515 replies to this topic

[Futtocks]

A UK squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and, as first aid was given to both men, the platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing idiot.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited l*sbian.

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."

[Number 16]

Heard a good one today...

They held a lookalike contest in China today.

But the thread was closed before the result was announced.

[amh]

But the thread was closed before the result was announced.

velly solly but there had been more grumbles about that thlead than even the Clusaders one

[Number 16]

velly solly but there had been more grumbles about that thlead than even the Clusaders one

Not funny.

Ham French accent would be much better. Like zees. Comrendeh.

Basic guideline to posting jokes on here - the butt of the joke must be a white male heterosexual protestant (all the better it's American - and extra 'right on' Brownie points). Any deviation from this shibboleth will result in the appearance of the self-righteous and an overload of political correctness on this board.

[Padge]

Not funny.

Ham French accent would be much better. Like zees. Comrendeh.

Basic guideline to posting jokes on here - the butt of the joke must be a white male heterosexual protestant (all the better it's American - and extra 'right on' Brownie points). Any deviation from this shibboleth will result in the appearance of the self-righteous and an overload of political correctness on this board.

Fek you ferret face,

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

[blackknight]

My Gran's going senile. she just stands and stares through the window all day.

Maybe I'll let her in one day

[voteronniegibbs]

If the 3 wise men had been women:

they would have phoned ahead and booked a room
they would have tidied the stable, fed the animals and rang for a midwife
they would have brought sensible,useful gifts
there would be peace on earth

[Exiled Townie]

Basic guideline to posting jokes on here - the butt of the joke must be a white male heterosexual protestant (all the better it's American - and extra 'right on' Brownie points). Any deviation from this shibboleth will result in the appearance of the self-righteous and an overload of political correctness on this board.

Aint that the truth. Anyway, back to the jokes -

I've heard a gypsy has just won the national lottery.
Apparently they are paying him in travellers cheques.


One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food. She went to pay for it and the cashier said that under the new health and safety rules he couldn't sell it to her unless she provided evidence she had a dog, so she trailed all the way home and brought in her dog and she got the dog food.
The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said that under the new health and safety rules he couldn't sell it to her unless she provided evidence she had a cat, so again she had to go all the way home and she brought in her cat and she got the cat food.
Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box. She told the cashier to put his hand in it, so he did, and when he pulled it out he shouted " Ahhhhh, it's ######"
Thats right said the old lady, a roll af Andrex please.


One Saturday afternoon, a man walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed." The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Rugby game on Sky and you'll see."
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.
The man said, "Watch. Whenever Whitehaven knock on, my dog does a back flip."
"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when Haven score a try?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for three years."

[Bleep1673]

One Saturday afternoon, a man walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed." The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Rugby game on Sky and you'll see."
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.
The man said, "Watch. Whenever Whitehaven knock on, my dog does a back flip."
"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when Haven score a try?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for three years."

He also does a back flip when someone from Workington marries someone from outside their own family, apparently.

I don't know why the Army are rebuilding the Bridge to re-link Workington, no-one has relatives on the other side of the Derwent, they wouldn't go that close to water.

[Exiled Townie]

He also does a back flip when someone from Workington marries someone from outside their own family, apparently.
I don't know why the Army are rebuilding the Bridge to re-link Workington, no-one has relatives on the other side of the Derwent, they wouldn't go that close to water.

Nurse, nurse, more stitches, my sides have just burst with laughing

[Bleep1673]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it

Whats the difference between a woman and a battery? A battery has a positive side

What are the 3 fastest means of communication? 1) Telephone, 2) Television 3) Telawoman

Why did God create Woman? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet

Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, shes been told twice already



















I'll get my coat then shall I?

[Saint Rich]

Why do women fake orgasms?

They don't.

[Exiled Townie]

[blackknight]

6 reasons why men prefer guns to women:

1. You can trade an old 45 for a 22.

2. You can admire a freind's gun and he'll let you try it.

3. Your gun stays with even if you're firing blanks.

4. Guns function normally every day.

5. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

and the best:

6. You can buy a silencer for a gun.

Edited by blackknight, 03 December 2009 - 12:19 AM.

[Exiled Townie]

Concerned about her upcoming marriage, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin, but I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband starts to 'do it', snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up on her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress - and just as hubby starts to 'do it', she snaps the elastic band.
The hubby screams, "What the hell was that?"
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

Edited by Exiled Townie, 04 December 2009 - 02:51 PM.

[l'angelo mysterioso]

Aint that the truth.

there must be loads
let's be hearing them

[Exiled Townie]

there must be loads
let's be hearing them

Ah yes, I see what you have done here, you don't agree with what I said so you are trying to prove your point by asking me about examples that you know quite well that I cannot give you as I am neither a moderator or the webmaster, and thereby don't have access to peoples emails. However, I am entitled to form opinions based on what I have read, and if the webmaster is to be believed, and I do believe him when he says "Probably the most complained about thread in the history of the forum.", (He doesn't however say " by hundreds of different people" - could it be the same individuals over and over again?) then I wonder why these punters continue to read it and complain, if they know they could get offended. Why don't they just do what has been advocated several times, that if there is a thread or poster they don't like, then use the ignore button?. Or don't come onto the joke thread at all.
I can't remember all the jokes on the old thread, but I know that ckn keeps a firm watch on these pages, and anything that gets too bad or downright offensive would, quite rightly, bring words of admonishment and be removed immediately. Why not just complain to the webby and let him take action (which he did).

Edited by Exiled Townie, 04 December 2009 - 08:13 PM.

[l'angelo mysterioso]

Ah yes, I see what you have done here, you don't agree with what I said so you are trying to prove your point by asking me about examples that you know quite well that I cannot give you as I am neither a moderator or the webmaster, and thereby don't have access to peoples emails. However, I am entitled to form opinions based on what I have read, and if the webmaster is to be believed, and I do believe him when he says "Probably the most complained about thread in the history of the forum.", (He doesn't however say " by hundreds of different people" - could it be the same individuals over and over again?) then I wonder why these punters continue to read it and complain, if they know they could get offended. Why don't they just do what has been advocated several times, that if there is a thread or poster they don't like, then use the ignore button?. Or don't come onto the joke thread at all.
I can't remember all the jokes on the old thread, but I know that ckn keeps a firm watch on these pages, and anything that gets too bad or downright offensive would, quite rightly, bring words of admonishment and be removed immediately. Why not just complain to the webby and let him take action (which he did).

just tell a load of jokes about white male heterosexual protestants. They're allowed on here apparently unlike jokes about other groups.

back up what you say.

[Exiled Townie]

just tell a load of jokes about white male heterosexual protestants. They're allowed on here apparently unlike jokes about other groups.
back up what you say.

What are you on about??? My remark refered to what N16 called "the appearance of the self-righteous posters".? Nothing to do with the jokes content.
(Definition - self righteous - a feeling of smug moral superiority derived from a sense that one's beliefs, actions, or affiliations are of greater virtue than those of the average person.) .
What I was asking, was why would someone would get his kicks from trying to prove his opinions on jokes are 'better' than someone else's on the joke section of a rugby league forum ?. Why not just complain to the webby and let him take action.
(I'm off to watch NCIS now. Be back tomorrow to carry on our little 'handbags').

Edited by Exiled Townie, 04 December 2009 - 08:55 PM.

[l'angelo mysterioso]

What are you on about??? My remark refered to what N16 called "the appearance of the self-righteous posters".? Nothing to do with the jokes content.
(Definition - self righteous - a feeling of smug moral superiority derived from a sense that one's beliefs, actions, or affiliations are of greater virtue than those of the average person.) .
What I was asking, was why would someone would get his kicks from trying to prove his opinions on jokes are 'better' than someone else's on the joke section of a rugby league forum ?. Why not just complain to the webby and let him take action.
(I'm off to watch NCIS now. Be back tomorrow to carry on our little 'handbags').

that wasn't what you quoted.
all I've done is ask you to tell these jokes