515 replies to this topic

[Derwent]

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, no expense spared, it was marvellous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there ?"

The Spaniard replied; "No."

[Bleep1673]

All the debate over whether there should be a new Royal Yacht should be ended.

Find the money, build it!

Then put the Captain of the Costa Concordia in charge when they are all on board.

[Bleep1673]

When I was growing up I used to be suffer from unwanted erections, mainly my Uncle Patricks

Poor old Bob Holness had only been at the Pearly Gates 5 minutes before Amy Winehouse came over and said "Can I have an E please, Bob?"


I was staring at a beautiful young girl on the train last night, she said "What are you looking at?" I said "6-8 years, depending on how hard you struggle"

[blackknight]

When I read that Stephen Hawking had reached 70 I thought "f##k me that's one powerful wheelchair".

Edited by blackknight, 20 January 2012 - 09:09 AM.

[Futtocks]

This email warning is currently doing the rounds.

************* Warning*************
Do not open an email saying you have won 2 free tickets for the next Nottingham Forest home match as it contains 2 free tickets for the next Nottingham Forest home match.

[steef]

"So, how's life in North Korea?"

"Well, I can't complain."

[Futtocks]

What do you call Peter Cushing in a disco?

Jive Tarkin.





So very, very sorry about that.

[Bleep1673]

A Salford fan walks past a new pub, when he sees a sign outside:

"Pies £2.50
W@nx £5"

So he decides to go in and investigate. He walks to the bar where there is stunning blonde, and he asks "Are you the one who gives the W@nx?
"Yeah I do", she replies in a sultry voice,
"Well wash your hands, I want a pie. " Says the Pinks Fan

[Bleep1673]

I saw a job being advertised for a fanny waxers assistant, job includes removing ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing, and then rub in oil after waxing, I asked about the job at the Job Centre, and was told to go to Cornwall, I asked "Is that where the job is?" And he said "No, thats where the back of the queue is"

[tonyXIII]

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, and when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

[Old Frightful]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London .

They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p". They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer—it's all the same."


"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired Lancastrians...they're waiting for Happy Hour..."

[Shadow]

Craig David has a place in the GB Olympic Archery squad.

He's the Bow selector.

[Bleep1673]

My mother-in-law had the operation I've wanting her to have for a long time yesterday, a post mortem

[Bleep1673]

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar in Hull for possible drink driving violations. At closing time, he saw a Hull KR player stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other players left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyser test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Mumby Magic]

Husband says to wife,
"My Olympic condoms have arrived... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

Wife replies,
"Why not wear Silver and come second for a change..."

.....................................................................

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

.................................................................


A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of celery up his nose and a carrot in his ear. The doctor takes one look at him and says,

"You're not eating right."

[Bleep1673]

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

People who post jokes as bad as that should be made to watch the London Broncos all season

[Mumby Magic]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I have no idea how they'd get in the lightbulb.

.....................................................................................

What do you call six ducks in a box???

A box of quackers...

......................................................................................

What do you do when a blond throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

[Shadow]

I don't know where I'd be without Satnav

[Futtocks]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian and a Norwegian walk into a restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d' after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."

[tonyXIII]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I have no idea how they'd get in the lightbulb.

I like that one.