515 replies to this topic

[shrek]

Three pages in must be time for some Tommy Cooper, yes yes, we all know them of by heart, there not that funny, but I for one can't help but raise a smile when revisiting them!

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. "

"Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant."

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin."

"'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'"

Edited by shrek, 07 December 2009 - 01:12 PM.

[RP London]

More from Tim Vine:

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely... It's a basic skill isn't it...."

"Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?." "I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

as much as i like tim vine the last two were nicked off tommy cooper.. (the last for sure and i am pretty sure the other one was too)

[l'angelo mysterioso]

Three pages in must be time for some Tommy Cooper, yes yes, we all know them of by heart, there not that funny, but I for one can't help but raise a smile when revisiting them!

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. "

"Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant."

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin."

"'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'"

damn fine

I wonder hoiw many of those were written by Barry Cryer? One of the funniest people ever.

[Bleep1673]

3 Lads were in a lap dancing club watching a very busty blonde gyrating on the pole, a lad from Wigan Stuck £20 on the girls right buttock, not to be outdone the lad from St. Helens put a £50 note on her left buttock, then the guy from Salford walked up, wiped his Visa card down the crack of her ar*e and took the £70 cashback.

"Dad", says the lad from Yorkshire, "What's a lap dancing club"?
"Ask your Mother where she works between 11pm & 3am, then ask her why we don't make much money. Fat Cow"

Edited by Bleep1673, 07 December 2009 - 05:59 PM.

[tim2]

damn fine

I wonder hoiw many of those were written by Barry Cryer? One of the funniest people ever.

Some of the famous one liners are probably Bob Monkhouse. Very funny but ruined his image with the slimy game show host persona.

[Alfies Thumb]

Ahem...

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=DBuwehUgnoc

[ckn]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[JohnM]

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm an accountant."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had an audit early in the morning.

She said, "Oh! You're an accountant?"

He said, "Why, yes I am!"

So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been an accountant for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

[voteronniegibbs]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[Jasper]

Yorkshire Medical Terms

Benign - What comes after eight.
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.
Barium - What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan - Searching for the cat.
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
Colic - A sheep dog.
Coma - A punctuation mark.
Dilate - To live longer than your kids do.
Enema - Not a friend.
Fester - Quicker than someone else.
Fibula - A small lie.
Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work.
Morbid - A higher offer than mine.
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
Node - I knew it.
Outpatient - A person who has fainted.
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative - A letter carrier.
Secretion - Hiding something.
Seizure - A Roman emperor.
Tablet - A small table to change babies on.
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
Varicose - Near by.

[ExiledChemic]

just tell a load of jokes about white male heterosexual protestants. They're allowed on here apparently unlike jokes about other groups.

back up what you say.

Maybe tell one yourself instead of being the butt of one??

[the punt]

I liked Justin's one liner on Celebrity last week, he said "I don't normally do double entendres in conversations, but I do slip one in every now and again"

[Futtocks]

Frankie Boyle on 'Buzzcocks' last night: "Carol Vorderman, who is brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall".

[Number 16]

I liked Justin's one liner on Celebrity last week, he said "I don't normally do double entendres in conversations, but I do slip one in every now and again"

A man walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre so the barmaid gave him one.

[amh]

Blond Password.

During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a blonde receptionist was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital

[l'angelo mysterioso]

Maybe tell one yourself instead of being the butt of one??

how many have you told?

[l'angelo mysterioso]

I've got a mate who's nickname is shagger.





she hates it.

[Riversiderontour]

A girl asks her Doctor "I'm about to have sex with my boyfriend and i'm a virgin, could you give me some information as i'm a bit nervous?"
and the Doctor says to ask him anything and he will keep it simple,

"What's the long thick main part of his thing called?" she says red-faced,
"That's the shaft of his Penis" replies the Doc.
"And it changes shape at the tip, what is that called?" she asks with a cheeky smile,
"That's the bell-end" says the Doc.
"And what are the 2 round things 17 inches behind the bell end?" she quizzes,

"Well i hope for your sake they're the cheeks of his ######!!" says Doctor.

[Exiled Townie]

A girl asks her Doctor "I'm about to have sex with my boyfriend and i'm a virgin, could you give me some information as i'm a bit nervous?"
and the Doctor says to ask him anything and he will keep it simple,

"What's the long thick main part of his thing called?" she says red-faced,
"That's the shaft of his Penis" replies the Doc.
"And it changes shape at the tip, what is that called?" she asks with a cheeky smile,
"That's the bell-end" says the Doc.
"And what are the 2 round things 17 inches behind the bell end?" she quizzes,

"Well i hope for your sake they're the cheeks of his ######!!" says Doctor.

Bloomin' brilliant ..... thats one to remember

[blackknight]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
As a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
Gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....