42 replies to this topic

[oldrover]

my aunty jean's just rung me. she said uncle tommy is in intensive care at leeds general infirmary. the doctors say he has got ghost train syndrome. i said, is it serious. she said "it can be, but the doctor said he's turned the corner and there's light at the end of the tunnel". scary or what.

[gettingold]

My wife won't talk to me anymore and blames me for her mother hanging herself on the washing line.

no way was i going outside in all that rain to bring her in

[gettingold]

Good 4 a laugh


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador" . "###### that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says what makes you think that He says I then says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Some one else please take over now put them all in a book sell them raise funds or may pay us not to.

[jamescolin]

Good 4 a laugh


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador" . "###### that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says what makes you think that He says I then says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Some one else please take over now put them all in a book sell them raise funds or may pay us not to.

My mate has a new pup. Its has struggled quite a bit. He feels it is improving. It is predominately brown and black with a touch of white. He has called it Bradford.

[Terry Mullaney]

An old pal of mine has worked for Tuckers on the fairgounds for the last 40 years and out of the blue they've sacked him for no apparent reason. He's absolutely devastated and his solicitors have advised him to sue for funfair dismissal.

[Ackydave]

Me and my flat chested wife went to the see a marriage counsellor today.
The counsellor asked us "what seems to be the problem?"
"Well!" I said; "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic.........."


My pet mouse called Elvis, died yesterday
He was caught in a trap......

[marklaspalmas]

Ive got Tom Jones Syndrome. I asked the doctor about it and he said "It's not unusual...".

[GAZ1983]

"doctor i keep thinking i'm Dorothy off Wizard of Oz!"......"why's that then???".........."because,because, because.because.becauseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

[Ponterover]

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"

[Maureen T-k]

Good to tell there's no Rugby

[jamescolin]

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"

Two fish in a tank. One of them asks the other if it is shouting him. The second one says 'Why is your name BOB?.

[Maureen T-k]

Bad news the jokes are getting worse!!!

[Terry Mullaney]

My mate Gavin died due to a severe attack of heart burn. On his head stone it simply said GAV IS GONE

[Andrew Vause]

Bloke rings work up. " I can't come in today, the car won't start".
Boss, "What about the bus"?
Bloke, " I ant got one".

[jamescolin]

A specialist in wasps went to hear a recording of some extraordinary wasp sounds. After listening for a while he approach the assistant from his booth and told her he could not undertand the buzzing noises and they were not really like wasp sounds at all. The assistant looked at the recording and apologised saying she had mistakenly played the 'b' side.

[gettingold]

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

[sidnee]

A blonde goes to the doctors complaining of severe chest pains and a shortness of breath.

He gives her a full examination and says to her 'you have acute angina'.

She replies 'thank you for noticing but what about the chest pains'!!

[gettingold]

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[Phil Stone]

Looks like someone has been reading the joke thread on the York forum.

[topchef]

Jayzus there's some awful jokes on here!

Here's another one........

Two Punks are wading through the pidgeons in Trafalger Square. One says to the other, 'What would you do if a bird ###### on ya head?' His mate replies, 'I wouldnt ask her out again.'

I'll get me coat!

Edited by topchef, 23 September 2012 - 08:00 AM.