42 replies to this topic

[rover n out]

2 irishmen doing a house clearance...one finds a mirror and looks at it and says...i know him ?

the other said give it here.....looks at his mate and says....its me ya daft sod !!

Edited by rover n out, 23 September 2012 - 08:44 AM.

[Phil Stone]

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.Talk about Dyson with death.

[oldrover]

had lunch at morrisons today. i had liver and onions followed by coffee an d biscuits. liver was offal, biscuits were nice.

[jamescolin]

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.Talk about Dyson with death.

If that is the spectre that came to see you that is on your site you should be pleased with her you could only be a gainer. You still haven't told us who it is.

[jamescolin]

Two blondes walk into a building. You'd have thought at least one of them would have seen it.

[Bob Crowther]

Good 4 a laugh


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador" . "###### that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says what makes you think that He says I then says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Some one else please take over now put them all in a book sell them raise funds or may pay us not to.

Flog em to Billy Pearce

[Ackydave]

My mates secretary is dyslexic

She gave him the best blow job ever this afternoon
He'd sent her an e-mail asking her to sack his cook....

[Ackydave]

Flog em to Billy Pearce

Where do you think we got 'em from Bob?

[gettingold]

A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."

[jamescolin]

I rang a number the other day the answer phone said'If you want marijuana press the hash key'

[jamescolin]

A man applies for a top sales job. His qualifications are superb but he has an afflication. He winks continually. The interviewer tells him that he would get the job if he didn't keep winking as it didn't go with the company standards of employees conduct. The man replied if he took two aspirins the winking stopped. That's great the interviewer replied, and asked the man to show him. He started emptying his pockets and took out loads of condoms and finally found the aspirin he was looking for. He took two and the winking stopped. The interviewer was inpressed but made the point that pockets of condums didn't go with the companies profile and customers would be upset at such a sexy man. The man explained he wasn't a philanderer and was happily married. He was then asked why he had so many condums in his pocket. With a sigh he blamed the chemists. He asked the interviewer what he thought would happen if when you went into the chemist you asked for some aspirin and winked!

[Ackydave]

My wife laughed when I told her I was going to make a car out of sphageti.

She wasn't laughing when I drove pasta.........

[gingerover]

two biscuits walking down the road, one says to other 'where you live then?' other replies 'i arent telling you, you will nick me washing'

Edit use of text speak

Edited by Maureen T-k, 02 October 2012 - 08:41 PM.

[Ricardo Taylor]

Went to the doctors this morning, told him i felt like a pair of curtains, well pull yourself together

[jamescolin]

A man applies for a top sales job. His qualifications are superb but he has an afflication. He winks continually. The interviewer tells him that he would get the job if he didn't keep winking as it didn't go with the company standards of employees conduct. The man replied if he took two aspirins the winking stopped. That's great the interviewer replied, and asked the man to show him. He started emptying his pockets and took out loads of condoms and finally found the aspirin he was looking for. He took two and the winking stopped. The interviewer was inpressed but made the point that pockets of condums didn't go with the companies profile and customers would be upset at such a sexy man. The man explained he wasn't a philanderer and was happily married. He was then asked why he had so many condums in his pocket. With a sigh he blamed the chemists. He asked the interviewer what he thought would happen if when you went into the chemist you asked for some aspirin and winked!

I have just noticed that under my name it says 'no warning points'. Does that mean I have been hit by a train? Or have I been crossing someone? Should I be carrying a notice 'Care here comes Colin Smith'
Explain please!

[Maureen T-k]

I have just noticed that under my name it says 'no warning points'. Does that mean I have been hit by a train? Or have I been crossing someone? Should I be carrying a notice 'Care here comes Colin Smith'
Explain please!

Just think yourself lucky

[gettingold]

Sorry folks pantomine cancelled no jack n beanstalk this year at bradford almbra the gaint says he can't smell the blood of an english man anymore.

[oldrover]

a report in todays mirror states that researchers have discovered that homosexual men have considerably larger willys than straight men.................OMG I'M GAY.

[Robin Evans]

aye - wi gathered wi them shoes ya wear!

[oldrover]

aye - wi gathered wi them shoes ya wear!

i asked for that dint a