A titter before christmas and the season
Posted 04 December 2012 - 07:45 PM
'Where ARE you' she demanded starting to get very upset.
'Darling' he replied. 'Do you remember that very expensive jewellers that had the emerald necklace which I wanted to buy you as an engagement present , but couldn't afford. all those years ago?'
Her eyes misted over as the memories flooded back. 'Of course I do darling she whispered I will never forget'
There was a slight hesitation on the other end of the line, and then.....
'Well I'm in the pub next door!'
Posted 09 December 2012 - 08:20 PM
Posted 10 December 2012 - 08:05 PM
Posted 12 December 2012 - 04:47 PM
Posted 13 December 2012 - 04:48 PM
'Would you believe' said the first old man 'When I was 18 I couldn't bend a certain part of my body at all'.
'When I was 50 I could bend it an inch'
'When Iwas 60 I could bend it three inches'
Now I am over 70 I can bend it in two'
'What's the point your making?' asked the second old man.
'Just wondering how strong i am going to finish up.'
Posted 13 December 2012 - 09:07 PM
If you can start the day without drinking caffeine
Cheeerfully ignore your aches and pains
If you can resist boring and complaining people who give your trouble
Eat the same food every day without complaining
Understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any love or time
If you take blame and crticism without resentment
Conquer tensions without tablets
If you can frelax without alcohol drinking
If you can sleep without taking drugs
The you probably are
THE FAMILY DOG
Posted 14 December 2012 - 05:40 PM
OK you park the bloody car.
Posted 16 December 2012 - 09:38 PM
Posted 17 December 2012 - 07:45 PM
Leviticus 20:13 says: If a man lays with another man he should be stoned.
Now I understand. We have been interpreting it wrongly. Just goes to show it is all a matter of proper reading of material.
Posted 18 December 2012 - 04:00 PM
The barman says anxiously 'What have you got'
'10p' he replied.
Posted 18 December 2012 - 04:31 PM
Posted 18 December 2012 - 11:31 PM
Next night the pub was heaving with customers. The bloke walked in again 'The drinks are on me' looking at the landord he said' Apart from you that is- you get bloody violent when you have had one'.
Posted 19 December 2012 - 12:11 AM
Posted 19 December 2012 - 07:39 PM
The wife looked at her husband and tenderly said 'I want to travel around the world with my dear husband.'
The fairy waved its wand and PING two world wide tour tickets appeared on the table.
The husband was deep in thought
'This is a chance of a lifetime' he said. 'Sorry love but my wish is to have a wife who is thirty years younger than me.'
The fairy waved its wand. The man waited expectantly. PING
He became 93.
Posted 20 December 2012 - 02:44 PM
The man replies thae he is looking at a photograph of his wife.
'When she starts to look good I know it is time to set off home'.
Posted 20 December 2012 - 02:56 PM
She turns her head. 'When we were young you used to hold my hand' He reached out with a yawn and briefly held her hand.'Then' she continued 'You used to kiss me' With a sigh the man rolled over and pecked her on the cheek. 'Then you used to bite my neck' The bloke let off a big sigh and threw off the bedclothes and stiffly clambered out of bed. 'Where are you going' she demanded.
'To fetch my teeth.'
Posted 20 December 2012 - 03:39 PM
Not saying Bob but I have a bit of pull. By the way did you know a nutty biscuit was crackers.
Wheres tha buy thi Christmas crackers from JC ?.
Posted 20 December 2012 - 09:32 PM
'That's not senile' he said 'Senile is when you forget to zip down'.'
Posted 21 December 2012 - 03:30 PM
The girl gets in bed first and lays under the covers shivering with excitement. The husband wondering what to do climbs in equally nervously and asks: 'Darling ask me to do anything and I will do it.' 'Anything' she asks. 'Anything you desire'
She during her conversations had overheard about this sexual thing and says 'Can you do a 69'. He looks totally confused and then tenderly leans over and whispers,
'Do you really want chicken and cauliflowers'