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A titter before christmas and the season


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#21 jamescolin

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 10:21 PM

A man sees a bottle coming in on the tide. Full of curiosity he picks it up. It has a cork in it. He pulls out the cork and a Genie appears. 'What is your wish oh master' 'What I would really like' says the man.'Is for my equipment to touch the ground.'
'To hear is to obey oh master'

His legs fell off.

#22 greydog

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Posted 22 December 2012 - 05:41 PM

A man kicks an old tin can ( after leaving the divorce court and being well and truly shafted ) , a genie appears , I will grant you 3 wishes he says , but what ever you wish for your wife gets double .
O K the man says give me 1 million pounds .
your wish is granted , but your wife gets 2 million pounds says the genie .
What is your second wish says the genie .
Give me a tropical island with a luxury mansion on it says the man .
O K says the genie but your wife gets 2 islands .
The genie asks what is your final wish .
The man replies beat me half to death.

#23 jamescolin

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Posted 22 December 2012 - 08:18 PM

Nice one. Ok another genie one. A bloke walks into a pub it is dead. He asks the landlord why. 'Our entertainer died last week and we have no one to play the piano' 'Leave it to me.'The man puts both finger in his mouth whistles and makes a sign in the sky. A small fgure emerges and immediately starts to play the piano in an absolutely marvellous manner. With in a few days the place is packed. The landlord is overwhelmed. ' He's magic, can I hire him on a permanent basis' he asks. 'Alas no, he has to stay with me, as he is magic' says the bloke. 'You see I was walking along a beach and a bottle came in on the tide. A genie was inside who told me to make a wish.Unfortunately he must have been hard of hearing. You see I finished up with a 12 inch pianist.'

#24 jamescolin

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Posted 22 December 2012 - 09:05 PM

I'M NOT A SKINFLINT BUT TIMES ARE HARD. I BOUGHT MY GRANDKIDS SOME BATTERIES LAST WEEK. GAMES NOT INCLUDED.

#25 jamescolin

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Posted 23 December 2012 - 04:27 PM

Ok I set out to cause a titter over the period leading up to the season and Christmas. I am away in the New Year, health permitting. So I will end my contribution with a few jokes which I hope cause a smile or two. Have a good Christmas and a Happy New Year Col.

1. An elderly lady walked into the recreation room of a nursing home with her fist clenched and held high. She shouted 'If any man can guess what I have in my clenched fist he can have sex with me.' A bored voice muttered 'An elephant' 'Near enough' she replied, dragging him off.

2.An old guy was fed up of his kids and grandkids not coming to see him at Christmas even though he always sent each one of them a large cheque. They didn't even say thank you. This year it was different. The house was full of children and grandchildren all clamouring around him. His wife asked how it had happened. 'Easy' he said 'I sent the cheques out as usual but I didn't sign them.'

3.A couple were sitting at their dining room table. 'Just fancy' the elderly woman said. 'We've been doing this for 50 years. 'Do you remember in the old days when we did it naked, I know let's do it again-NOW' They both undressed. The woman gasped ' Do you know my breasts are as hot for you as they were all those years ago!' 'I'm not surprised 'said the man ' You've got one in your coffee and the other in your soup.'

See you, Col.

#26 jamescolin

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Posted 26 December 2012 - 08:55 PM

Hope you had a good Christmas
Just one before I pack my bags.

Two old guys sat talking. First one: 'I ache all over I am really feeling old' Second old guy: Oh I feel like a new born baby' 'Really?
'Yes I have no hair, no teeth and I have just wet myself'.

#27 jamescolin

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Posted 28 December 2012 - 08:35 PM

Going tomorrow-Don't all shout hurrah!

A man has an appointment with a specialist
He walk into the consulting room and puts down a note. It reads:
'Can't speak please help'
The specialist considers for a moment and then tells the man to put his appendages on the table.
The man thinks this is strange but the doctor is a specialist. So he does so.
The doctor then picks up a large mallet and brings it down with all his force.
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA' shouts the man
'Very good' says the specialist. 'An excellent result. Come back tomorrow and we will try 'B',




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