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A joke or two


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#1 blackknight

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Posted 16 December 2012 - 01:40 PM

A SHORT... BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY


A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own damned blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.


The End

Edited by blackknight, 16 December 2012 - 01:42 PM.


#2 blackknight

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Posted 16 December 2012 - 05:43 PM

Do you work from home?

Enjoy an office Christmas party fling by having a w ank in the cupboard under the stairs.

#3 blackknight

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Posted 16 December 2012 - 05:50 PM

Women!

I spent £5000 on a boob job for the wife and she was delighted.
I spent another £3000 on a nose job for her and she was ecstatic.
I spent £2000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon.
I spent £50 on a blow job for myself and she went b loody mental.

#4 ala

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Posted 21 December 2012 - 09:01 AM

A boeing 747 has crashed into the top of a house near heathrow, apparently some one left a landing light on
Two fish in a tank one said to the other are you sure you no how to drive this thing ?
Father chrismas has been a little run down this year so he's so he's having two weeks at an elf farm
its chrismas eve and two blokes are loading boxes of gin, vodka, whisky,beer and larger into the boot of a car, and one says to the other if it wasn't for the kids i dont think i would bother.
(It's the way i tell em')
not bored i am not bored i am not ..........................................not long to go now folks

ala

#5 blackknight

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Posted 08 January 2013 - 06:14 PM

My brother took being sent to jail really badly.

He refused all food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near
and smeared the wall with his own faeces.

After that we never played Monopoly again.

#6 blackknight

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Posted 10 January 2013 - 05:08 PM

A woman wakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting
t the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought,
just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes
a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "
Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
... he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "
Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues...
"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

#7 blackknight

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Posted 11 January 2013 - 10:35 AM

I told my ex that I felt like killing her, she said I needed professional help.

So I hired a hitman.

#8 blackknight

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Posted 17 January 2013 - 08:33 AM

So hungry that you could eat a horse?
We've got you covered, TESCO every little helps.
There's also a vegetarian option they're putting uniQUORN in their veggie burgers.


TESCO are giving away all the burgers containing horse meat,
but hurry bcause they won't last furlong.


Following the problems with their range of burgers TESCO are keen to allay public fears
and are doing a special deal on their quarter pandas.


These TESCO horse burgers are jumping off the shelves.


Nevermind the burgers you should try the meatballs they're the dog's bol**ks.


Just been to TESCO cafe for a burger.
The girl said "would you like anything on it?"
I said "yes a fiver each way please?


Horsey Horsey don't you stop
or you'll end up in a TESCO shop
your tail goes swish
the wheels go round
giddy up you're a quarter pound

Edited by blackknight, 17 January 2013 - 08:34 AM.


#9 jayemm

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Posted 01 February 2013 - 12:33 PM

I took the wife to the doctors today to get her tourettes problem sorted out.
Turns out she has'ent got it.
She really thinks I'm a b*****d and she wants me to ###### off !

#10 blackknight

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Posted 16 February 2013 - 09:08 PM

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata.
It's a double dip recession.


Condoms don't guarantee safe sex!
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!

Edited by blackknight, 16 February 2013 - 09:09 PM.


#11 ANDYPK

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Posted 20 February 2013 - 11:09 PM

Have you heard about the Government's latest new 'modern benefit' for Gay Men looking for other Gay men ?.............

It's called 'Knobseekers allowance' just letting you know so you can claim your back payments !
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#12 ANDYPK

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Posted 20 February 2013 - 11:12 PM

Horsemeat found in Tesco Burgers, now would you believe it, cameltoes found in Primark leggings !
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#13 blackknight

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Posted 24 March 2013 - 10:26 AM

The body of a man wearing a Rangers shirt, stockings and suspenders, bra and panties and
red lipstick has been fished fro the river Clyde this morning.
Strathclyde police have removed the Rangers shirt to avoid any embarrassment to the family.

**

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his room, "please come quickly my wife and I
are having and she's threatening to jump out of the window."
The manager replied "I'm sorry sir but that's a personal matter."
"Like hell it is" repplied the man, "the window won't open so it's a maintenance issue."

Edited by blackknight, 24 March 2013 - 10:34 AM.


#14 ANDYPK

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Posted 24 March 2013 - 10:44 AM

Just been on a 1st date with my new girlfriend, she told me that I'd have to wait about 6 mths if I wanted a bl@@job, I said that was ok and I fully understand and that I would give her a ring nearer the time !

Edited by ANDYPK, 24 March 2013 - 10:45 AM.

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#15 kiln7

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Posted 24 March 2013 - 09:22 PM

Why do golfers where 2 pair of trousers in case he gets A HOLE IN ONE.

#16 ANDYPK

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Posted 04 April 2013 - 09:13 PM

Took the wife for a romantic meal the other night, playing footsie under table. I ordered lasagne She got toed in the hole.


Wife went to the doctors the other day to see what that spot is between her ti@@s, she returned home looking very relieved..................................apparently he told her not to worry its only her belly button.
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#17 blackknight

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Posted 18 April 2013 - 10:28 AM

In the wake of Margaret Thatcher's funeral the nation is once again divided.

Which is better Pippa Middleton's a**e or Amanda Thatcher's ti*s?






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