It has been confirmed today that MI5 are looking into allegations that the RFL want to ensure that Deluded Haven RLFC are relegated into the outer hemisphere of professional RL
Several weeks ago they received a complaint from an anonymous source (rumoured to be Alan Goodloss or Short Sirkett) which they decided to investigate.
Certain parts of the investigation have been leaked to the press and include:
Matt Thomason was kidknapped before todays game and the ref today wasin fact Paul Penrice in movie make up.
Jarrad Stack hasn't really left to join the police, he is a terminator model T1000, has killed Samir Tahouri and has taken his place in the haven squad to cause dissent within the ranks
Shaun Ainscough and Brett Seymour have been given free passes to Crosbys fish n chips and the name on the credit card is M Fryer.
Derwent park has pits dug which only town players can spot and avoid.
Dr Marwan Cotter is in fact a double agent and is still a 100% Townie.
Further evidence was collected today when Haven complained that the dugout was so small that only their head coach could fit in it.
Haven superstar winger Spongebob squarepants also confirmed that the pass for the winning NON try was 70 yards backwards which really does indicate that in fact Haven are correct and that everyone in the country is against them and it is a matter of National security that they are relegated a division, in fact the RFL invented the BP system just to ensure that this is so.
This has left many of the obese ones in utter confusion, after celebrating the NO try by soiling their tanga briefs they were brought to earth with a nasty bump when ref Paul Penrice blew for a forward pass, they were last see driving past the Travellers rest in the sunshine bus throwing faeces laden undercrackers at the Merry revellers basking in the glory of a town victory.
They now move on to Batley at home next week, but rumours from the haven fans say that Lord Lucan is playing stand off flying jimmy hoffa is playing on the wing for Batly because "assa t'RFL ev chenged rules eh marra like so that we gar doon like eh coz nee yan likes us eh"
Additionally Osama bin Laden is reffing the game as he is not really dead, apparently he has issued a fatwah against the town of whitehaven several years ago.
This is known to be true as I quote Charlo's knicker sniffer has been heard to mutter "them planes assa, wurnt ment to hit them twin toors eh assa, they wuz garn for T'beacon but them arabs assa cudnt hit a coooows arris wid a banjo"
I think we can all agree as Town fans that Haven have a valid point and that we should, in fact, hand them all our points gained so far this season as it is only fair.
I'm now off through the door at the back of my wardrobe to vist my best friend Aslan
(PS Did you know Phil Veivers was the second gunman on the grassy Knoll and Dave Bowdens name is a pseudonym, his real name is Elvis Aaron Presley)