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jamescolin

A titter before christmas and the season

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A man and his wife are out doing Christmas shopping. Suddenly she realises he is not there. She rings him on her mobile phone.

'Where ARE you' she demanded starting to get very upset.

'Darling' he replied. 'Do you remember that very expensive jewellers that had the emerald necklace which I wanted to buy you as an engagement present , but couldn't afford. all those years ago?'

Her eyes misted over as the memories flooded back. 'Of course I do darling she whispered I will never forget'

There was a slight hesitation on the other end of the line, and then.....

'Well I'm in the pub next door!'

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I don't want to worry you but do you realise that in 30 years time we will have old ladies running around with tattoos and that rap music will be the golden oldies? Mind you we will still have bikes with no brakes, lights or bells!

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Do you know why some blokes seem to be always fishing? Because that's the only time anybody says 'WOW! That's a big one'

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Two old guys sat in a pub drinking heavily. First guy 'Look at them two old sods over there, if we don't watch it in 10 years time we will look like them.' Second guy 'Daft burger you're looking in the mirror.'

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Two old men are sat in the park feeding the birds.

'Would you believe' said the first old man 'When I was 18 I couldn't bend a certain part of my body at all'.

'When I was 50 I could bend it an inch'

'When Iwas 60 I could bend it three inches'

Now I am over 70 I can bend it in two'

'What's the point your making?' asked the second old man.

'Just wondering how strong i am going to finish up.'

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INNER PEACE

If you can start the day without drinking caffeine

Cheeerfully ignore your aches and pains

If you can resist boring and complaining people who give your trouble

Eat the same food every day without complaining

Understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any love or time

If you take blame and crticism without resentment

Conquer tensions without tablets

If you can frelax without alcohol drinking

If you can sleep without taking drugs

The you probably are

THE FAMILY DOG

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He had a big smug smile on his face. He was in ecstasy. She went forward and back, up and down, in and out. Then her face set she went in out out in rapidly, back and forward, in out out in. Stopped and shuddered forward. Her heart was pounding faster and faster, her face was flushed and she looked as though she would explode. She moaned, softly at first and then with greater intensity, then louder and then she screamed and collapsed forward ina heap. Looking at him she screamed again

OK you park the bloody car.

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I don't know how true it is but I heard that the 50 metres swimming contest in the recent Olympics was cancelled due to dramatic circumstances. All the contestants were ready apart from the chap from Israel. Just as the race was about to start he appeared. However he was in running shoes and shorts. The pistol went off before the officals could intervene and the Isreali won it. It appears he didn't dive but jumped. Just as he was about to hit the water the 50 metres divided and he ran to an easy victory. Officals have cancelled but discussion still rages about if this was an act of God or not.

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As I understand it marijuana and Gay marriage were legitimised on the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 says: If a man lays with another man he should be stoned.

Now I understand. We have been interpreting it wrongly. Just goes to show it is all a matter of proper reading of material.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a triple brandy. He coughs twice and says 'I shouldn't be having this with what I've got.'

The barman says anxiously 'What have you got'

'10p' he replied.

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Must tell you this. For all you guys that have to make frequent visits to the toilet especially at night time when you have to get out of bed There's a new wine on the market to help you over Christmas. It will be on the shelves soon. The named is---Wait for it

PINO MORE

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A bloke walks into a bar and shouts 'The drinks are on me, including you landord a double if you want one!' Everybody rushes forward and gets what they want the landlord duly pours himself the double offered. 'Thank you very much Sir' he said. 'That'll be 57 pound and 75pence. ''OH!, I haven't any money' said the man. The landord exploded in anger. He grabbed the man by his collar and trousers rushed him to the door and threw him bodily out into the freezing night, right in a deep puddle.

Next night the pub was heaving with customers. The bloke walked in again 'The drinks are on me' looking at the landord he said' Apart from you that is- you get bloody violent when you have had one'.

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An old guy of eighty married a young girl of 18. They went on honeymoon. When they returned he was asked how his honeymoon went. 'Great' he replied 'We made love almost every night'. That's great was the reply. 'Yes' he said 'Almost on a Monday, almost on a Tuesday, almost on a Wednesday....'

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An old couple in their sixties were celebrating 35 years of marriage in a restaurent. Suddenly a fairy appeared on the table. 'Beacause you have been devoted to each other all this time you are each given a wish.'

The wife looked at her husband and tenderly said 'I want to travel around the world with my dear husband.'

The fairy waved its wand and PING two world wide tour tickets appeared on the table.

The husband was deep in thought

'This is a chance of a lifetime' he said. 'Sorry love but my wish is to have a wife who is thirty years younger than me.'

The fairy waved its wand. The man waited expectantly. PING

He became 93.

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A middle aged man walks into a bar and orders a double vodka. His knocks it back and then looks inside his jacket pocket, stares then orders another double vodka. He knocks that back and stares inside his jacket again. He orders a third double and knocks it back. The bartender, intrigued, asks him what he is doing.

The man replies thae he is looking at a photograph of his wife.

'When she starts to look good I know it is time to set off home'.

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A couple long married are laid in bed. The wife is feeling nostalgic. The husband wants to go to sleep.

She turns her head. 'When we were young you used to hold my hand' He reached out with a yawn and briefly held her hand.'Then' she continued 'You used to kiss me' With a sigh the man rolled over and pecked her on the cheek. 'Then you used to bite my neck' The bloke let off a big sigh and threw off the bedclothes and stiffly clambered out of bed. 'Where are you going' she demanded.

'To fetch my teeth.'

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Wheres tha buy thi Christmas crackers from JC ?.

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Wheres tha buy thi Christmas crackers from JC ?.

Not saying Bob but I have a bit of pull. By the way did you know a nutty biscuit was crackers.

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Went to the doctors recently. 'Doctor I think I may be coming senile. I keep forgetting to zip up.'

'That's not senile' he said 'Senile is when you forget to zip down'.'

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A young totally inexperienced couple get married. They are both virgins and know nothing about sex. The girl doesn't know about her husband's virginity and therefore is relying on him to make the first move. They both work as waiters in the same restaurant and meet lots of people to whom in the course of everyday events chat to them

The girl gets in bed first and lays under the covers shivering with excitement. The husband wondering what to do climbs in equally nervously and asks: 'Darling ask me to do anything and I will do it.' 'Anything' she asks. 'Anything you desire'

She during her conversations had overheard about this sexual thing and says 'Can you do a 69'. He looks totally confused and then tenderly leans over and whispers,

'Do you really want chicken and cauliflowers'

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A man sees a bottle coming in on the tide. Full of curiosity he picks it up. It has a cork in it. He pulls out the cork and a Genie appears. 'What is your wish oh master' 'What I would really like' says the man.'Is for my equipment to touch the ground.'

'To hear is to obey oh master'

His legs fell off.

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A man kicks an old tin can ( after leaving the divorce court and being well and truly shafted ) , a genie appears , I will grant you 3 wishes he says , but what ever you wish for your wife gets double .

O K the man says give me 1 million pounds .

your wish is granted , but your wife gets 2 million pounds says the genie .

What is your second wish says the genie .

Give me a tropical island with a luxury mansion on it says the man .

O K says the genie but your wife gets 2 islands .

The genie asks what is your final wish .

The man replies beat me half to death.

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Nice one. Ok another genie one. A bloke walks into a pub it is dead. He asks the landlord why. 'Our entertainer died last week and we have no one to play the piano' 'Leave it to me.'The man puts both finger in his mouth whistles and makes a sign in the sky. A small fgure emerges and immediately starts to play the piano in an absolutely marvellous manner. With in a few days the place is packed. The landlord is overwhelmed. ' He's magic, can I hire him on a permanent basis' he asks. 'Alas no, he has to stay with me, as he is magic' says the bloke. 'You see I was walking along a beach and a bottle came in on the tide. A genie was inside who told me to make a wish.Unfortunately he must have been hard of hearing. You see I finished up with a 12 inch pianist.'

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I'M NOT A SKINFLINT BUT TIMES ARE HARD. I BOUGHT MY GRANDKIDS SOME BATTERIES LAST WEEK. GAMES NOT INCLUDED.

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Ok I set out to cause a titter over the period leading up to the season and Christmas. I am away in the New Year, health permitting. So I will end my contribution with a few jokes which I hope cause a smile or two. Have a good Christmas and a Happy New Year Col.

1. An elderly lady walked into the recreation room of a nursing home with her fist clenched and held high. She shouted 'If any man can guess what I have in my clenched fist he can have sex with me.' A bored voice muttered 'An elephant' 'Near enough' she replied, dragging him off.

2.An old guy was fed up of his kids and grandkids not coming to see him at Christmas even though he always sent each one of them a large cheque. They didn't even say thank you. This year it was different. The house was full of children and grandchildren all clamouring around him. His wife asked how it had happened. 'Easy' he said 'I sent the cheques out as usual but I didn't sign them.'

3.A couple were sitting at their dining room table. 'Just fancy' the elderly woman said. 'We've been doing this for 50 years. 'Do you remember in the old days when we did it naked, I know let's do it again-NOW' They both undressed. The woman gasped ' Do you know my breasts are as hot for you as they were all those years ago!' 'I'm not surprised 'said the man ' You've got one in your coffee and the other in your soup.'

See you, Col.

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