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Bigal02

Festive Humour

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My 70+ year old auntie told me this joke years ago.  It still makes me laugh.

 

 

Santa emerged from a fireplace and in front of him was a beautiful young lady wearing only a short negligee.  She slipped it off one shoulder and said, "Won't you stay and keep me company on this cold Christmas eve"?

 

Santa replied "No, I can't. It's Christmas Eve and all the children who've been good are waiting for their presents".

 

The girl then slipped off the other shoulder and asked Santa again if he would stay with her.  Santa repeated that he couldn't, as all the children were waiting for him and he didn't want to disappoint them .

 

The girl then let the negligee fall to the floor and said, "Won't you stay now and keep me company"?

 

Santa looked at her and said, "I may as well, cos I won't be able to get back up the bloody chimney"!

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A man with a sore throat went to see his doctor. The doctor prodded and poked and finally said, “Your throat’s a bit swollen. Have you eaten anything unusual lately?”
The man said, “Well I know this sounds weird, but last night I ate all my Christmas decorations.”
“That’s it!” said the doctor. “You’ve contracted tinselitis.”

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I was at a traditional music thing last night, and between songs there was a bit og banter between the musicians...

Eddi Reader: Karen and I went shopping the other day and I bought a Christmas tree.

Phil Cunningham: Did you put it up yourself?

 

Eddi Reader: No, I put it up in my front room!

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A comedian said that he was doing a gig at the Dyslexic's Annual Christmas bash and he got there early.  He went to the bar to get a drink and while he was there, a guy came up and started to talk to him.

 

The guy asked what he did for a living and he said, "I'm a comedian".

 

The guy looked at him and said, "Go on then, change colour"!!

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How can you laugh at a time like this?

Yesterday my wife texted me 5 times " I'm in casualty."

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I watched three episodes but i never spotted her!

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Father Christmas got up on Christmas Eve and went straight to work.

The Reindeers had broken down the fence and were in the field next door so he had to fix that.

He put his feet into his willies and they were full of water as the roof was leaking so he had to fix that.

He went into the toy shop and all the elves were on strike as it was too cold to work. He promised them he would fix the central heating in the new year and give them a bonus if they would get back to work.

He filled the sack with toys but as he lifted it, the bottom fell out of the sack and all the toys fell into the snow.

He sewed it up and replaced the toys and threw the sack onto the sleigh, unfortunately over the summer the wood had rotted and the planks broke again the toys ended up in the snow.

He went into his workshop to get the tools but couldn't find his hammer.

He went and asked Mrs Claus if she had seen his hammer.

" where did you leave it?"

"On my bench, have you moved it?"

"No, I never touch your tools, you ought to be more careful"

"What am I going to do? It's getting late and I need to crack on"

"Have a look in that drawer"

Lo! There was the hammer.

" Why didn't you just say it was there in the first place ? Why did we have to go through that rigmarole about where did you leave it? Couldn't you have just told me. You know I'm busy"

"Well you ought to take more care of your tools. By the way my Mothers coming for dinner tomorrow and staying until New Year"

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa opened the door to find a fairy with a Christmas tree

"Merry Christmas! Father Christmas where do you want me to stick this tree?.................

And that's why there is always a Fairy on top of the Christmas Tree

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I've been doing the Grand Children's Nativity plays and regaling people with the stories.

They in turn have told me a couple of anecdotes.

The first Wise man says "I've brought gold"

No 2 says "I've brought Myrrh"

No 3 says " Frank sent this"

One of my patients also told me how she had taken her 4 year old Daughter to see Father Christmas in a local Department Store.

Afterwards as the waked down the street another Father Christmas asked the little girl

"And what do you want for Christmas?"

The sweet little thing answered "I've just bloody told you!"

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