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Futtocks

The cheesy B-Movie thread

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Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone. The first 3D movie I ever saw, starring Peter Strauss, Molly Ringwald (her second-ever big screen appearance), Michael Ironside and Ernie Hudson.

 

I was a little apprehensive, but it's actually very good fun even after all these years and the somewhat dated SFX. Strauss plays the Han Solo/Indiana Jones character, Ringwald the bratty kid he takes under his wing, Hudson as Strauss' untrustworthy former buddy and Ironside plays 'Overdog' - part man, part machine, all pervy scumbag.

 

SH_015.jpg

 

A not-very-guilty nostalgia rush. Like Mad Max in space crossed (towards the end) with 'The Crystal Maze' with a garnish of Duran Duran's 'Wild Boys' video. Oh, and there's some fat vampire things, too.

 

According to IMDB, Colin Mochrie (Whose Line is it anyway?) and Harold Ramis make uncredited appearances. Music by Elmer Bernstein, no less!

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Anyone remember Mystery Science Theatre 3000? A brilliantly simple idea; they showed an old sci-fi or horror B-movie (the shoddier the better), while a guy and two smart-alec robots made comments on what was happening on screen.

 

There seems to be quite a few episodes on YouTube, if you search MST3K and use search tools to filter out short-duration clips.

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Anyone remember Mystery Science Theatre 3000? A brilliantly simple idea; they showed an old sci-fi or horror B-movie (the shoddier the better), while a guy and two smart-alec robots made comments on what was happening on screen.

 

There seems to be quite a few episodes on YouTube, if you search MST3K and use search tools to filter out short-duration clips.

What are you classing as B movie. I hesitate to post. Currently i'm on the classic Hammer namely The Abominable Snowman and Quatermass. Lots of cheese but maybe not B enough.   

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What are you classing as B movie. I hesitate to post. Currently i'm on the classic Hammer namely The Abominable Snowman and Quatermass. Lots of cheese but maybe not B enough.   

B-Movie is a state of mind. It didn't have to be the 'B' feature in the cinema, but I think if there's ham with a side order of cheese, it qualifies.

 

If the star of the film is Bruce Campbell, it automatically qualifies. ;) 

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B-Movie is a state of mind. It didn't have to be the 'B' feature in the cinema, but I think if there's ham with a side order of cheese, it qualifies.

 

If the star of the film is Bruce Campbell, it automatically qualifies. ;)

When you combine the gravitas of British stage actors with the cheese laden storylines you will produce gold, hence my liking for earlier Hammer.

Bruce Campbell theme being pushed, one of the best B movies of modern times, Dog Soldiers. 

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B-Movie is a state of mind. It didn't have to be the 'B' feature in the cinema, but I think if there's ham with a side order of cheese, it qualifies.

 

If the star of the film is Bruce Campbell, it automatically qualifies. ;)

I always classed "B" Movies as second features.  In the heyday of the cinema, when the local fleapit would change the programme halfway through the week, if one of the films was fairly short, you'd get a second feature, the series that sticks in my mind is "Scotland Yard" with the creepy Edgar Lustgarten. Always black and white and always about some gruesome murder, so that, at the end Lustgaren could smack his lips in satisfaction in relating that the criminal had paid the ultimate penalty.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2UFo5fKCwk

Edited by Trojan

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When you combine the gravitas of British stage actors with the cheese laden storylines you will produce gold, hence my liking for earlier Hammer.

Bruce Campbell theme being pushed, one of the best B movies of modern times, Dog Soldiers. 

Bruce Campbell has written a couple of books. The autobiography 'If Chins could kill' is great fun and actually very interesting when it comes to the process of making a film.

 

His childhood with his best mate, a fellow tearaway called Sam Raimi, and how they later made 'Evil Dead' in a state of total ignorance about everything to do with the movie industry and learned by making almost every mistake possible. A really good read.

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Bruce Campbell has written a couple of books. The autobiography 'If Chins could kill' is great fun and actually very interesting when it comes to the process of making a film.

 

His childhood with his best mate, a fellow tearaway called Sam Raimi, and how they later made 'Evil Dead' in a state of total ignorance about everything to do with the movie industry and learned by making almost every mistake possible. A really good read.

He is a cult in himself.

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The flash gordon movie is a great B movie. Pla net terror is a good modern take on the genre. Any film on Syd channel is guaranteed to be so bad it's good.

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The flash gordon movie is a great B movie. Pla net terror is a good modern take on the genre. Any film on Syd channel is guaranteed to be so bad it's good.

'Flash Gordon' is a great example. Even though a lot of the people involved played it tongue in cheek, the sheer unrestrained goofiness of the whole thing means that it qualifies.

 

And it has got Ornella Muti in it, which is always a plus point. That's her in the middle, next to Marwan Koukash.

 

flash-gordon.jpg

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'Flash Gordon' is a great example. Even though a lot of the people involved played it tongue in cheek, the sheer unrestrained goofiness of the whole thing means that it qualifies.

 

And it has got Ornella Muti in it, which is always a plus point. That's her in the middle, next to Marwan Koukash.

 

flash-gordon.jpg

Ornella Muti is still a looker.

RL link in Flash Gordon as well! As exposed in the excellent commentary by Brian Blessed on the DVD silver edition.

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Ornella Muti is still a looker.

RL link in Flash Gordon as well! As exposed in the excellent commentary by Brian Blessed on the DVD silver edition.

Your Google image search results may vary based on settings, so I'll post a potential NSFW if you are looking for more about the lovely Ornella...

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Plan 9 from Outer Space.

 

Classic B movie stuff. Done on a budget of 4/11.  In old money - just in case young people don't recognize the format.

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Plan 9 from Outer Space.

 

Classic B movie stuff. Done on a budget of 4/11.  In old money - just in case young people don't recognize the format.

I love that film - so half-baked but made with genuine enthusiasm.

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On a MST3K jag, I just watched their take on 'Deathstalker and the Knights from Hell'. Great fun!

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Next on 'Mystery Science Theatre 3000' I watched Space Mutiny. Recorded in "Ultra Stereo" (no, me neither).

 

All spaceship sequences were from the original Battlestar Galactica. Not copies, but the actual footage, Cylon ships and everything. Did they get a visit from the copyright police when this was released?

 

There's a sort of psychic Kate Bush tribute act, a baddie who actually does the pantomime villain laugh (repeatedy), a female officer who gets killed but the continuity department lets her carry on at her desk in the next scene, a car chase in what appear to be origami models of the Sinclair C5 and plenty of sub-Tron computer graphics.

 

The acting is... exactly what you'd expect. Oh, and the female lead/love interest looks like Bonnie Langford. But isn't. Which might actually be worse, especially when she pretends to seduce a henchman who looks like Phil Collins.

 

Marvellous!

Edited by Futtocks

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Next on 'Mystery Science Theatre 3000' I watched Space Mutiny. Recorded in "Ultra Stereo" (no, me neither).

 

All spaceship sequences were from the original Battlestar Galactica. Not copies, but the actual footage, Cylon ships and everything. Did they get a visit from the copyright police when this was released?

 

There's a sort of psychic Kate Bush tribute act, a baddie who actually does the pantomime villain laugh (repeatedy), a female officer who gets killed but the continuity department lets her carry on at her desk in the next scene, a car chase in what appear to be origami models of the Sinclair C5 and plenty of sub-Tron computer graphics.

 

The acting is... exactly what you'd expect. Oh, and the female lead/love interest looks like Bonnie Langford. But isn't. Which might actually be worse, especially when she pretends to seduce a henchman who looks like Phil Collins.

 

Marvellous!

Oh, someone created a poster for the film, featuring the various names Mike and the robots came up with for the chunky-muscled leading man. :D 

 

B9mYnwlCUAAO8Yu.jpg

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Mystery Science theatre 3000 again, and the legend of Zap Rowsdower in 'The Final Sacrifice'. At last, a hero who rocks a comfortable-fit waistline.

Edited by Futtocks

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Mystery Science theatre 3000 again, and the legend of Zap Rowsdower in 'The Final Sacrifice'. At last, a hero who rocks a comfortable-fit waistline.

Okay so here's the nutshell: the location is Canada. A nerdy kid finds a mystery map in dead father's possessions. Immediately, a car full of machete-wielding chunky blokes in balaclavas chainsaw their way into his house, followed by their leader, described by one of the MST3K robots as 'Garth Vader'.

 

He escapes on his bicycle, staying ahead of the villains' car, then piles into the back of an unreliable pick-up truck driven by the bemulleted, boozing Zap Rowsdower, a drifter with a secret past and a less secret moustache.

 

After various chases, the pick-up breaks down in the exact location of the signs for the lost city and a cave full of inscriptions (and a handy translation guide), and also meet the nerdy kid's father's archaeologist ex-colleague, who puts in a performance of authentic frontier gibberish (see 'Blazing Saddles') to fill in the plot holes a bit with some semi-coherent exposition. He also warns the nerdy kid about Rowsdower's past. Yep, after fleeing from the black hats, they have found themselves exactly where the nerdy kid's dad was killed.

 

Then there's an odd episode where the bad guy does some pentagram stuff in daylight, while Rowsdower has a bad dream/flashback in the nighttime. Simultaneously. Bits of the map (remember the map?) turn black.

 

The nerdy kid gets captured - well WHAT a surprise - and Garth Vader plans to sacrifice him so his people can take over the world. They're an advanced race of aliens or Atlanteans or something, despite their uniform of wifebeater vests. Rowsdower runs up and down some hills and through some woods, beating up chunky gentlemen in balaclavas, before freeing the kid and setting up the climactic fight scene with Garth. Fire v grappling hook 'action' ensues, climaxing with bad guy's death. I think. 

 

Suddenly, it's night-time (eh?) and the chunky gents remove their facegear and walk off into a blue light. Meanwhile, a cardboard backdrop of the lost city rises from the ground. Rowsdower smiles for the first time, possibly in his entire life. Our heroes drive away. Roll credits.

 

In short, Stallone's got the USA covered, Ahnold Europe, Dolph looks after Scandinavia, but Canada's defender of all things right is ROWSDOWER! Sleep safely eh?

 

216333-zap-rowsdower.jpg

Edited by Futtocks

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I also watched 'Santa Claus conquers the Martians'. So you don't have to.

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Manos: The Hands of Fate.
Joe Schmoe, wife, whiney sprog and poodle are driving. And driving. And driving. And driving. And... you get the picture. This movie has the pacing of continental drift. At one point, an out-of-control singer comes on the radio, making things worse.

 

Searching for a Lodge where they were supposed to stay the night, they pass a young guy and gal in a parked sportscar, who are swigging liquor and sucking face. A building appears, with a small and peculiar man standing in front. Joe Schmoe expresses the sentiment that "maybe this would be a good place to stay the night". Joe has never ever seen a horror movie. And is a prize boofhead to boot.

 

The small and peculiar man is Torgo, acolyte of "The Master" and he is just a mass of physical and facial tics. He appears to have nicked Gandalf's staff and is very unwelcoming. The Schmoes still decide to stay the night.

 

Upon entering the house, they are confronted with what appears to be a portrait of the long-dead corpse of Arthur ('Allo 'Allo) Bostrom and a big scary dog. This is, apparently, the Master. The Schmoes still decide to stay the night.

 

The poodle escapes, and is found dead. Then Torgo makes a seriously weird pass at Mrs Schmoe who reacts in glacial time. Then the irritating sprog vanishes, only to appear with a big scary dog. The Schmoes still decide to stay the night.

 

Meanwhile, the kids in the sportscar are still exchanging saliva. Torgo, who intends Mrs Schoe to be the Master's next wife, clonks Joe on the noggin and ties him up. The Schmoes no longer have any choice in whether to stay the night.

 

After about an hour into the film, the Master finally wakes up in a dungeon with his first six wives. Will something exciting actually happen? Probably not. While performing 'The Hayne Plane', he recites a prayer to a statue of Manos, who looks like a bust of the Mekon. His wives all wake up and start complaining. Then, as the Master departs, they argue and all start beating each other up fairly randomly, to a John Coltrane-lite soundtrack.

 

The Master confronts Torgo and tells him that, although his wives were in suspended animation, they were aware of him creeping into the crypt and fondling them. Torgo tells the Master that he wants Mrs Schmoe for himself. A wife of the master finds Joe, snogs him, then starts hitting him. Meanwhile, some of the other wives are still fighting each other to the sound of frenetic Hard Bop. Coltrane must be tiring out some time about now.

 

Getting seriously miffed at all the domestic strife, the Master decides to sacrifice his tallest wife. And Torgo. Cue "liturgical dance" and two wives trying to slap Torgo to death. When that doesn't seem to be working fast enough, the Master burns off Torgo's hand and laughs. Then stops. Then starts again.

 

The Schmoes finally decide to leave. Then Joe shoots a rattlesnake and they decide to go back. I repeat, they decide to GO BACK! Yep, back to pervy Torgo, his satanic Master, the fighty wives and a hellhound. The cops hear the shots and decide to investigate. Then they decide not to. In the house, the Master confronts the Schmoes, now out of focus, but with his satanic pooch. He does 'The Hayne Plane' for the fiftieth time in this celluloid abortion. Joe Schmoe fires two shots. Black screen.

 

Then the movie appears to start AGAIN, as two entirely new characters drive through the desert for what seems like three hours. They pass the sportscar with the snogging kids, who are still at it (some kind of record attempt?) Arriving at the house, Joe Schmoe welcomes them as the new acolyte of the Master. Wifey and brat are now tied up in the dungeon, in a sort of undead state. Torgo, who ran off into the desert sans hand, is presumably now suing his agent.

 

In short, TripAdvisor, I give this hotel a solid three out of five.

Edited by Futtocks

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