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Robin Evans

Mortality

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A friend of mine from school... (I fancied her like owt)... has cancer..... she may be ok.

My best mate of 40 years is having a 5 heart valve bi-pass graft on Saturday.... pickfords plumbers don'thave that many valves ffs!

And a bloody good mate from Halifax who I met through this game of ours lost his wife today.

Bag o' sheeite.

Edited by Robin Evans
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11 minutes ago, Robin Evans said:

A friend of mine from school... (I fancied her like owt)... has cancer..... she may be ok.

My best mate of 40 years is having a 5 heart valve bi-pass graft on Saturday....

And a bloody good mate from Halifax who I met through this game of ours lost his wife today.

Bag o' sheeite.

it is mate, it really really is, - there seems to be lots more funerals than weddings as you get older, usually the  people you wouldn't expect or you think of as the best in the make up of society, have come to realise life is much too short and you have to live it while you can

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I was effectively brought up by my grandparents as my birth parents quite rightly decided they were too young and actually didn't like each other (I am very grateful to them for that decision!).  My grandmother has been my mum in all bar name.  We were told yesterday that she has between two weeks and three months to live, depending on how stubborn she is, that probably means she'll last five months then given her historical stubbornness.  I'm going up to see her next week for a few days.

So, that's something I have to work out over Christmas and it's definitely stopped Christmas as a thing to look forward to.

My dad isn't doing too well with it and I'm convinced he will have a breakdown when she dies, same with my aunt who has effectively been her full-time carer for the last couple of years.  The main worry for my dad is that he had a heart attack a couple of years ago and was back in hospital last week with water around the heart causing him problems.  He took my granddad dying in 1993 very hard and he still goes to the cemetery at least a couple of days a week to talk to him, he was mentioning that he'd updated his will and I know it's persistently worrying him that in April he'll be the same age as my granddad when he died (68).

Some of you may remember my posts about my wife being very ill.  Then another good friend tried to take his own life two years ago and is still very fragile.  Both of those scare me silly and really bring thoughts of mortality to the fore.

I'm tired of being the adult that people look to for a shoulder or support.  That looks harsh when written down but I really wouldn't mind a year or so of no major stresses that I have to manage.  The problem is that my family and friends just see the rough ex-squaddie who never shows stress, can get through any problem and is the go-to person for help; if they knew what went on in my head they might not think that for long!  It's good to come on here and let rip semi-anonymously.

I saw a Buzzfeed post yesterday "25 People Who Have Had A Worse Year Than You", I bet they f***ing haven't.

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From a really big family (16) and all the older brothers and sisters starting to go quick...when I was a kid it was great with all their weddings...now i'm the' go to' guy for pall bearer as I put them all in the hole for the final time...really starting to get to me but trying to remain positive.

Edited by Kayakman
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6 minutes ago, ckn said:

I was effectively brought up by my grandparents as my birth parents quite rightly decided they were too young and actually didn't like each other (I am very grateful to them for that decision!).  My grandmother has been my mum in all bar name.  We were told yesterday that she has between two weeks and three months to live, depending on how stubborn she is, that probably means she'll last five months then given her historical stubbornness.  I'm going up to see her next week for a few days.

So, that's something I have to work out over Christmas and it's definitely stopped Christmas as a thing to look forward to.

My dad isn't doing too well with it and I'm convinced he will have a breakdown when she dies, same with my aunt who has effectively been her full-time carer for the last couple of years.  The main worry for my dad is that he had a heart attack a couple of years ago and was back in hospital last week with water around the heart causing him problems.  He took my granddad dying in 1993 very hard and he still goes to the cemetery at least a couple of days a week to talk to him, he was mentioning that he'd updated his will and I know it's persistently worrying him that in April he'll be the same age as my granddad when he died (68).

Some of you may remember my posts about my wife being very ill.  Then another good friend tried to take his own life two years ago and is still very fragile.  Both of those scare me silly and really bring thoughts of mortality to the fore.

I'm tired of being the adult that people look to for a shoulder or support.  That looks harsh when written down but I really wouldn't mind a year or so of no major stresses that I have to manage.  The problem is that my family and friends just see the rough ex-squaddie who never shows stress, can get through any problem and is the go-to person for help; if they knew what went on in my head they might not think that for long!  It's good to come on here and let rip semi-anonymously.

I saw a Buzzfeed post yesterday "25 People Who Have Had A Worse Year Than You", I bet they f***ing haven't.

Infkndeed!

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Just now, graveyard johnny said:

this could become the 1st ever -get round the swearing filter thread- started by ckn!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes it's just needed...  I'll let people report it if they want and let John deal with it.

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why do people wish you "happy new year" as if it would stop any of the inevitable day to day,  month to month bundle of misery that the following year has in store - in fact as soon as jools  Holland starts the countdown this year ( the bar steward) am gonna shoot the telly - elvis style

Edited by graveyard johnny

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We all know there is one absolute certainty in life; death. Yet, it is only usually in our advancing years that we sense our mortality so vividly. Children are remarkable when confronting death. Life scars us in a way that makes it almost impossible to deal with death with the same resillience many young people do.

I always find it interesting that we spend our adult lives coming to terms with death, yet in many cases, it is often only in our final hours or days that humans become at ease with their destiny. 

I try not to dwell on the certainty of death. Let’s face it, it’s not always easy to predict how and when it will happen to us and our loved ones. We feel robbed of time and experiences with our loved ones when they die, but you may be like me; left feeling you could have made so much more of the times you had together.

With that in mind, I’d suggest that whilst you can’t control the certainty of death, you can fill your days with so much more if you can put a positive mindset on living for the day. It might be yours, or someone else’s last one. I’m thankful to wake up every morning.

Peace.

Edited by Northern Eel
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4 hours ago, Robin Evans said:

A friend of mine from school... (I fancied her like owt)... has cancer..... she may be ok.

My best mate of 40 years is having a 5 heart valve bi-pass graft on Saturday.... pickfords plumbers don'thave that many valves ffs!

And a bloody good mate from Halifax who I met through this game of ours lost his wife today.

Bag o' sheeite.

I'm 71. At the moment I'm ok.  My younger grand daughter has cerebral palsy.  She's four.  She can't speak, she can't walk. she can't talk, she's incontinent, she can see a little.  but she has a lovely smile, and she does smile.  Her mum, dad, sister uncle and us all love her like crazy.  Count your blessings.

Edited by Trojan
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There is no guarentees with life. Life seems to hurt more as we get older. Sometimes I lose it by the way things are and what me and many friends are going through.

So I try to look at it from another view. I think we are lucky though compared to say my Grandparents Generation. My Nans brother fought and died like many, on the Eastern Front. His body never recovered.My Dads father died before my Dad was even born. His plane went down and again no body was recovered.My Nan and family was bombed out of their home and most friends died a cruel death.

I guess what I am trying to say is that today even though life is fk hurtful and Hard, I am grateful for what we have.We live in a time, where life and dealing with illness, even when it results in death, have never usually had such good treatment. If we or family and friends die , we can have a proper Sending off even if it hurts. 

I have to live day for day and make the most of it. I dont find life easy and its Fk Hard most times. But for me I have to think from a different view or elsewhere I feel I cant have the strength to properly fight to live as long as I can. I hope what I put makes sense!

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I started to put a few lines down but, actually, I'm not in the mood for it. It's all quite grim at the minute but unless there's a stray bus waiting to pounce there's no one on the road to death.

This evening Tiny Ginger was in his school's Xmas Variety Show. He wrote a short scene for him and two mates to act and it went brilliantly. People laughed at the right times and not even out of sympathy.

Little things. 

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As you all know my daughter passed away in 2016 from a GBM and last week my mother with cancer.

Life is good but boy it can also be painful 

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I’ve just this week become reconciled with my father after we fell out badly some time ago.

We’re both pig headed and stubborn, in the end I made the first move and right now I’m bloody glad I did, life’s too short not to. 

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I know it's not on the same scale, but I've just come off the phone to the vets after booking one of the dogs (she is actually the Mrs grandmother's who lives across the road, but we do all the looking after) in for her final ever visit to them on Monday morning. She has bone cancer in one of her back legs and is beginning to show signs of suffering. 

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On 07/12/2017 at 10:27 PM, Phil said:

I’ve just this week become reconciled with my father after we fell out badly some time ago.

We’re both pig headed and stubborn, in the end I made the first move and right now I’m bloody glad I did, life’s too short not to. 

May I ask how it is with your father? Is there any "awkwardness"? My parents disowned me 18 years ago and we haven't spoke since as they didn't approve of my marriage to my wife and wanted me to choose between them and her. My mother passed away suddenly 8 years ago without me really getting to say goodbye and that really messed my head up. I was closer to her than my dad.

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7 minutes ago, Shadow45 said:

May I ask how it is with your father? Is there any "awkwardness"? My parents disowned me 18 years ago and we haven't spoke since as they didn't approve of my marriage to my wife and wanted me to choose between them and her. My mother passed away suddenly 8 years ago without me really getting to say goodbye and that really messed my head up. I was closer to her than my dad.

My dad was a sexist racist homophobe who's bigotry I abhorred. It may sound callous but I grew apart from him. If I'm brutally honest with myself I don't really miss him.

My mam I miss. Not the mam that died, ravaged by multi-infarct dementia..... but the mam that brought me up and mended me when I felt sheeite.

 

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47 minutes ago, Shadow45 said:

May I ask how it is with your father? Is there any "awkwardness"? My parents disowned me 18 years ago and we haven't spoke since as they didn't approve of my marriage to my wife and wanted me to choose between them and her. My mother passed away suddenly 8 years ago without me really getting to say goodbye and that really messed my head up. I was closer to her than my dad.

Yeah of course you can ask, my dad is old school, he was very much the disciplinarian when I was younger, he disapproved of my lifestyle, my friends, my political views and it was the same with my brothers but I took the brunt being the oldest and most rebellious.

I wasn’t innocent in the breakdown of our relationship, I can be a stubborn pig headed ###### but he’s old and frail now and life’s too short 

I’d say if you can, try to make peace but only you can decide that’s appropriate for your circumstances.

 

Edited by Phil
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22 minutes ago, Phil said:

Yeah of course you can ask, my dad is old school, he was very much the disciplinarian when I was younger, he disapproved of my lifestyle, my friends, my political views and it was the same with my brothers but I took the brunt being the oldest and most rebellious.

I wasn’t innocent in the breakdown of our relationship, I can be a stubborn pig headed ###### but he’s old and frail now and life’s too short 

What was the catalyst for your reconciliation? I was never really close to my dad, I was the middle child with an elder brother and younger sister,who I no longer have any contact with either. When my mother  literally dropped dead I held out the olive branch to my family, my mother wanted me to be a pall barer and help carry the coffin, which I did. But at the funeral I wasn't allowed to sit with the family and I was asked to sit with the family friends. After the funeral I was told there was to be no wake but later found out that all the family went round to my brothers. My  father asked if I wanted to go with them when they went to spread her ashes, which I said I would like to attend, again I found out that they'd done that without me. So as you can see I'm quite reluctant to contact my father, who is in his late 70's and as I don't want to be rejected again. Sorry for the long reply but as my counsellor says, it's good to talk about it

Edited by Shadow45

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On 07/12/2017 at 8:44 PM, Northern Eel said:

We all know there is one absolute certainty in life; death. Yet, it is only usually in our advancing years that we sense our mortality so vividly. Children are remarkable when confronting death. Life scars us in a way that makes it almost impossible to deal with death with the same resillience many young people do.

I always find it interesting that we spend our adult lives coming to terms with death, yet in many cases, it is often only in our final hours or days that humans become at ease with their destiny. 

I try not to dwell on the certainty of death. Let’s face it, it’s not always easy to predict how and when it will happen to us and our loved ones. We feel robbed of time and experiences with our loved ones when they die, but you may be like me; left feeling you could have made so much more of the times you had together.

With that in mind, I’d suggest that whilst you can’t control the certainty of death, you can fill your days with so much more if you can put a positive mindset on living for the day. It might be yours, or someone else’s last one. I’m thankful to wake up every morning.

Peace.

I enjoyed reading your post. I find it difficult explaining to children when someone has died. It is sad to see them upset and difficult to know what to say. As you say Children do cope with it remarkably.

 

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I've got nothing to actually contribute to this thread in terms of content, but I just wanted to say that I appreciate everyone here posting so candidly and giving someone young enough to have not had many of these experiences yet, something to think about. 

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