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Robin Evans

Mortality

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9 hours ago, Niels said:

I enjoyed reading your post. I find it difficult explaining to children when someone has died. It is sad to see them upset and difficult to know what to say. As you say Children do cope with it remarkably.

 

Being a Headteacher has its challenges, but dealing with the death of a pupil or their close relatives was one of the scariest things I could imagine. In reality, having experienced it a few times, it’s not as terrible as it might seem (although in extremely difficult circumstances) explaining to pupils that their friendl won’t be coming back or working with a child to help them over a bereavement. 

The fact is, without wishing to make it sound trivial, if you tell the truth and not wrap it up in cosy language (which later draws confusion and upset), most children are incredibly receptive to the finite reality of death. Sure, there’s tears and questions, but the key is to tell it as it is, in black and white.

The biggest things to avoid are phrases like, “He’s gone to sleep” where children can pick up ambiguity. It’s not true; dead people are not asleep in anything other than a metaphorical sense. Such phrases often lead children to be afraid of going to sleep, for example, in case they too die. Whilst the natural instinct might be to find the most vague and fuzzy language to dress up the difficult news, there's a danger this language is used for the benefit of the news breaker, rather than the receiver.

When kids ask about Heaven, God and Jesus, that gets really difficult, as, quite clearly, there's nothing black and white about faith and belief. 

Tough stuff to get right,

Edited by Northern Eel
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I tried to Quote Robins original post but stupid I pads playing up 

Being of the age we are , this is when things start to bite 

Only lost my grandmother 7 years ago at the age of 95 , since then the last 4 of her children have all passed away including my mother in May , lost my father in law in march 

In summer a former employee had a freak accident on holiday slipping on some steps and banging his head ( he had his hands in his pockets , and that cost him his life ) Ian was one of life's nice guys 

Eight weeks ago I undertook a job on somebody's conservatory roof from a recommend , during the job Graham informed us he had cancer aged 54 ( 2 years younger than myself ) and asked about other works needed on the property ( looking to get the house done for his wife ) , we did the job , this week Lynn his wife sent me text telling me he passed away peacefully sat in his new favourite room last Saturday 

My response for the last couple of years to the usual comment about the weather being poor has been quite simple , " it's a beautiful day , any day that I am part of is a beautiful day " 

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9 hours ago, Saint 1 said:

I've got nothing to actually contribute to this thread in terms of content, but I just wanted to say that I appreciate everyone here posting so candidly and giving someone young enough to have not had many of these experiences yet, something to think about. 

You could start by supporting Fev, that'd  give you some downers! ;)

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More bloody awful news. The husband of a long time friend of over 45 years lost his battle last night. My age....

2016 took it's toll on the famous.

2017 is hammering my cohort badly.

The grim reaper can fk right off.

Think I'll go see me granddaughter.....

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Reading this thread takes me back to 2002 to 2004, when I lost my mum and dad, my mother and father in law, and both my children had serious illness, one having seizures and one having SVT (heart), who also took an overdose at 15 because he couldn't deal with the first loss of a relative. It was a cry for help and he even got himself to hospital. I took it all so badly and had to have help from medication and time off work. 

A good friend made through this board shared a phrase he used -  S H 1 T magnet - I have used it ever since when I've found myself being the shoulder to cry on/listener for other friends and colleagues. 

I think everyone has their  horrible period  when you lose those close and have to deal with really tough situations. Just when you think nothing else bad can happen, something else does, even quite trivial things in comparison. Your washing machine packs up, your car breaks down, bills you weren't expecting, work becomes unbearably hard, all on top of the loss of your loved ones.

Hence the phrase S H 1 T magnet time...when the world seems to be raining down on those you love and yourself, and you feel you just can't cope. However, I am still here, I survived, my children are healthy and happy and all grown up. In all honesty i have never been happier. Now I Know that these times come, and I probably have more to come. But I draw comfort in knowing I got through before and that everyone has these times it's not just me. All we can do is support each other and try to ...cliche time .... live for today.

Thoughts with those of you who are going through it right now x

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I had probably my last chat with my gran today. She could go tonight, she could go in three months meaning I can’t just hang around waiting for her to die as my bank balance is getting scarily low now. She’s ill enough that one more thing will be the final straw. She’s signed a DNR and made it clear she’ll come back and haunt anyone who packs her into an ambulance. 

I’ve done some pretty tough things in my life including advancing into rifle fire but saying goodbye and walking out today was easily the toughest. 

It didn’t help with some of the family crossing red lines of acceptability today and going right into what I consider unforgivable behaviour.

Merry Christmas!

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17 minutes ago, ckn said:

I had probably my last chat with my gran today. She could go tonight, she could go in three months meaning I can’t just hang around waiting for her to die as my bank balance is getting scarily low now. She’s ill enough that one more thing will be the final straw. She’s signed a DNR and made it clear she’ll come back and haunt anyone who packs her into an ambulance. 

I’ve done some pretty tough things in my life including advancing into rifle fire but saying goodbye and walking out today was easily the toughest. 

It didn’t help with some of the family crossing red lines of acceptability today and going right into what I consider unforgivable behaviour.

Merry Christmas!

It’s tough, I don’t know your family set up but grief can make people act in what we may think of as strange ways. Let it all blow over before you deal with it, if indeed you feel you need to.

Cliche I know but remember the good times and the lady as she was. It’s raw now but in time you’ll be able to remember and smile. Make sure you take time for yourself in this difficult time. 

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1 hour ago, Phil said:

It’s tough, I don’t know your family set up but grief can make people act in what we may think of as strange ways. Let it all blow over before you deal with it, if indeed you feel you need to.

Cliche I know but remember the good times and the lady as she was. It’s raw now but in time you’ll be able to remember and smile. Make sure you take time for yourself in this difficult time. 

Thanks.  I normally can compartmentalise bad things to the next day to stop myself over-reacting, and give my subconscious time to process it, but today things went right over the red line into unforgivable, even given generous interpretations and leeway because of grief.  I won't go into it but it was nothing done to me, all to do with the treatment of my aunt by one of her brothers.  I can't see any other way it'll go but a permanent rift in the family, it really is that bad.

I don't have any problem thinking of my gran and smiling.  My biggest problem is the conflicting thoughts in my head over the unpredictability of WHEN she will go against the certainty that she WILL go.  My dad and my aunt are really not taking it well at all and I am very concerned about them both.

In a similar way to in amm's post above mine, it's a bit of a perfect storm just now with just everything happening at once.  Not even a proper rugby game on telly to lose the world to for a couple of hours!

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On 12/10/2017 at 1:51 AM, Saint 1 said:

I've got nothing to actually contribute to this thread in terms of content, but I just wanted to say that I appreciate everyone here posting so candidly and giving someone young enough to have not had many of these experiences yet, something to think about. 

don't know how old you are but I'm (just) 37. My mum died in Feb 2014 aged 62. Not nice. However, in the last 2 years, I've had 2 friends murdered (both by burglars), another's been in a coma since the Friday before Christmas having fallen over on the ice(!), and one killed in a car crash on the 23rd December on his way home from work.

All I can do is echo what everyone else has said, endorse the sentiment that life's far too short for arguments, and wish everyone a better 2018 than 2017 has been for me.

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I hit my allotted span yesterday. 3 score years and 10.

So everydays a bonus now... but in truth every day was before.

Don't put anything off. Do it NOW.

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Only three days into the new year and I've just found out a friend from a while back has died. He was only a couple of years older than me, but had been in poor health for a while. I hope this isn't a sign it's going to be "one of those years". :(

 

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On 02/01/2018 at 4:24 PM, Bearman said:

I hit my allotted span yesterday. 3 score years and 10.

So everydays a bonus now... but in truth every day was before.

Don't put anything off. Do it NOW.

You time is not yet up. A man aged 65 can now expect to live a further 18.5 years

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/lifeexpectancies/bulletins/nationallifetablesunitedkingdom/2014to2016

In our IAM group we've just had an 84 year old pass his Advanced Motorcyclist test and hes now bought CBR 500

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39 minutes ago, JohnM said:

You time is not yet up. A man aged 65 can now expect to live a further 18.5 years

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/lifeexpectancies/bulletins/nationallifetablesunitedkingdom/2014to2016

In our IAM group we've just had an 84 year old pass his Advanced Motorcyclist test and hes now bought CBR 500

Mid life crisis? ;)

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On ‎17‎/‎12‎/‎2017 at 9:41 PM, ckn said:

I had probably my last chat with my gran today.

I had my last meaningful chat with my Gran about 3 weeks before she past away, she had Alzheimer's and Me and my Mum were struggling. As we were struggling so much, I treated all of my family to an away match. We watched Swinton lose at Carlisle, but on the way back, on the M6, I was sitting with my Mum, and we saw something in the sky, we looked at each other, and both said "She's dead". We got home and rang Ladywell Hospital, and it was confirmed that at the time we saw something in the sky, she had passed away. I still think she looks over me, but can't help at the moment.

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I don't know where else to put this, but, over the last couple of months I've noticed a strange baldness.

I have noticed that the right hand side of my moustache is not growing, it is completely smooth, like a babys. 

That is the only bit of my scrappy beard that doesn't get like a scrubbing brush before I have to shave it off, because it becomes uncomfortable. Completely bald on one side of my upper lip. I look odd, my ex has asked me if I shave just that one side, and I do not. It is very odd.

someone even mentioned it to me in tonights AA meeting.

If anyone is, or knows a dermatologist, let me know if I should seek help. Well obviously, I should.

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10 hours ago, Bleep1673 said:

I don't know where else to put this, but, over the last couple of months I've noticed a strange baldness.

I have noticed that the right hand side of my moustache is not growing, it is completely smooth, like a babys. 

That is the only bit of my scrappy beard that doesn't get like a scrubbing brush before I have to shave it off, because it becomes uncomfortable. Completely bald on one side of my upper lip. I look odd, my ex has asked me if I shave just that one side, and I do not. It is very odd.

someone even mentioned it to me in tonights AA meeting.

If anyone is, or knows a dermatologist, let me know if I should seek help. Well obviously, I should.

http://beardcoach.com/2010/04/have-you-developed-a-beard-bald-patch/

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I was born on Smith street wombwell in 1960. My oldest mate was born a few weeks later across the road from.us.

I got news today his cancer has spread all over his body and is dying from associated complications. He is 57. 

I am reminded of scuffed knees and snotty noses. Scooters. Go-carts made from prams. Swings over the canal. Tadpoles. And playing out til it got dark.

Another part of my past fades away. This getting older lark..... proper sucks

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6 minutes ago, Robin Evans said:

This getting older lark..... proper sucks

Cheer up, its better than the alternative.

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Aye...... I've had a run of similar bad news of late.

Granddaughter to visit tomorrow to cheer me up.....

In the meantime I'm turning the amp up to 11.

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I don't think I thought too much about my own mortality until grandchild number 5 (of seven now) came along.  She has brought joy into my life every day for the last (almost) 6 years.  Myself, her and her mum have spent most of our waking/leisure time together since her birth and we've had such good times.  It was only when I sat having lunch alone in our local noodle bar I thought of the 18 year old Dani being in there with her friends laughing and having fun that I realised I may no longer be around when she is 18.  It dawned on me that I am not going to be there for her forever.  I spoke to a work colleague who is my age with grandchildren and she admitted she had also thought about this but tries not to dwell on it.  As Robin said getting old does suck :sad:

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On ‎17‎/‎12‎/‎2017 at 9:41 PM, ckn said:

I had probably my last chat with my gran today. She could go tonight, she could go in three months meaning I can’t just hang around waiting for her to die as my bank balance is getting scarily low now. She’s ill enough that one more thing will be the final straw. She’s signed a DNR and made it clear she’ll come back and haunt anyone who packs her into an ambulance. 

I’ve done some pretty tough things in my life including advancing into rifle fire but saying goodbye and walking out today was easily the toughest. 

It didn’t help with some of the family crossing red lines of acceptability today and going right into what I consider unforgivable behaviour.

Merry Christmas!

 

Last year we had a vry, very close friend in Christies dying from cancer, we went to see her the day before we were due to fly out to Greece on holiday, she was struggling, communicative but obviously not long left. As we left we said that we would see her when we got back (we knew this was unlikely), she thanked us for visiting and said enjoy your holiday.

We all knew, it was in the air, that this was goodbye.

Fortunately we had a remote villa for the holiday,  this was my wife's best mate we are talking about, so she was not going to be up for company. Ten days into the holiday we got the call from Cath's son.

There was some strange comfort we both felt in knowing that we had said our last goodbye, even though neither side said it both sides knew it.

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Every time I put my black tie away I wonder whom will be the next person I get it out for.

Sadly, it's getting far too much use.

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Just been to Siddal ARLFC today to let those of my dads old mates who don’t already know of his passing. Found it strangely cathartic in lots of ways and was good to hear stories of my dad from those who knew him as his contemporaries.

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