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Wiltshire Rhino

Let's try and make each other laugh!

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This thread is hopefully going to be an antidote to the Tory-this/Labour-that/Trump-this-and-that threads.

 

Your best, and worst, jokes! Let's laugh and smile folks! 

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A pervert was lying on his bed pulling off his boxers. His wife walked in on him and said

"You spoil those dogs"

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  • Haha 2

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I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

(nicked from Ken Dodd)

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This is my all time favourite joke...

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

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I opened my wardrobe this morning only to find a lion and a witch inside."what's going on in here "? I asked. "Narnia business " replied the witch!

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An insect flew into the bedroom the other night.It flew around for a bit and then it exploded.

It must have been a Jihadi Long Legs.

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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”

“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. ”

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon …. Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”

“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”

“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

“Pepe… Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”

“Luis, Luis MI amigo… What ees it? ”

“Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees a ham bush….”

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They are showing the World Origami Championships on tv tonight.

I cant watch it as its on paper view

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21 minutes ago, Bearman said:

They are showing the World Origami Championships on tv tonight.

I cant watch it as its on paper view

Brilliant, really creased me up that...

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I was sat next to my girlfriend on the tube when this incredibly beautiful Thai woman sat down opposite and started sucking on a lollipop.

I just kept repeating to myself "don't get an erection, don't get an erection"

But she did.

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When I see lovers names carved on a tree or a bench I don’t think it’s sweet I think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a first date 

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1 hour ago, Old Frightful said:

Brilliant, really creased me up that...

Meh, maybe A4 out of 10.

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4 minutes ago, Dave T said:

Meh, maybe A4 out of 10.

Oh dear! 

You can go into the corner and wear the foolscap for that.

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My sadly missed uncle uncle visited the doctors. He was getting the results of some tests for a very serious illness.

Doctor "Sorry but you have only three minutes to live"

Uncle "Oh my God, Doctor is there nothing you can do for me".

Doctor "A soft boiled egg"?

 

Edited by Padge

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A man walked into a pub carrying a duck and a biscuit tin. He put the biscuit tin down on the bar and asks the barman to put on some music. He then puts the duck down on the tin and it starts dancing.

Everyone gathers around to watch and they are all loving it and throwing money onto the bar. Halfway through the song the duck stops dancing and is just standing there on the tin and won't move at all.

Everyone starts shouting at the man to get duck dancing again. He takes the duck off the tin, opens it and looks inside then says

"Oh dear, the candle has run out."

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Bloke walks into a pub with a crocodile on a lead.

 

Barman says "you cant bring that thing in here, its dangerous"

 

bloke replied "its harmless, here i'll show you", and with that, whipped his knob out and stuck it in the crocodiles mouth, then smacked it hard on the head.

"See", said the bloke "harmless, now...anyone else want a go"

 

Little old woman at the back of the pub pipes up " I will, but don't hit me on the head so hard"

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Dyslexia sufferers are celebrating that a cure has been found, its music to their a r s e.

Edited by Derwent

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4 minutes ago, Derwent said:

Dyslexia sufferers are celebrating that a cure has been found, its music to their a r s e.

:laugh:

Go on then, tell us the reason for the edit.

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2 minutes ago, Derwent said:

Swear filter.

I guessed so but it seemed beautifully ironic after a dyslexia joke. 

Use the $ next time. :D

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Why can only one company produce Monopoly?

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Don't you find it annoying when someone answers their own question? I know I do.

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