Random internet link of the day

[ckn]

In today's shocking news: Thick people more likely to fall for "pseudo-profound bull****"

[Farmduck]

Autocompletion on Chinese search engine

 

One of my favourites in this vein comes from US search engines. In completing the half-query, "Why can't I ......?" one of the common ones used to be, "Why can't I own a Canadian?" It's an Old Testament thing.

[C H Calthrop]

This isn't that random but shows the perils of trying to live up to hygiene expectations. 

 

[Futtocks]

These modern-day "extreme sports" people are missing a trick...

 

 

[Futtocks]

[C H Calthrop]

This!

 

Women have a long history of painting themselves, it is understandable with them, but somewhere down the line this became an expression of something resembling masculinity. 

Edited December 23, 2015 by C H Calthrop

[Futtocks]

How the Sex Pistols saved Christmas.

[Futtocks]

The Osmonds' version of 'Star Wars'. Donny as Luke, Marie as Leia and Kris Kristofferson as Han Solo, plus the other Osmonds as dancing stormtroopers.

 

Oh, and it also includes a version of 'I want to take you higher' which replaces "Boom shaka-laka-laka" with (dear God!) "Chew bacca-bacca-bacca".

 

 

[Leeds Wire]

Bear grylls bear grills

 

Daft but I dare you not to chuckle and read it twice...

[Griff9of13]

A seasonal message for the data geeks:

 

[Farmduck]

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

[Farmduck]

These ads are for the NSW Govt's latest anti-marijuana campaign.

 

[Griff9of13]

Seasons greetings from: https://www.facebook.com/TheStokeInnPlymouth/posts/320571948144973?fref=nf&pnref=story

 

Please, please do not read this if you are easily offended, but we have a few rules this Christmas..........

XMAS AT THE STOKE INN, PLYMOUTH

It’s that festive time of year when decent, honest boozers are plagued by non-drinkers. And not real non-drinkers, not people who don’t ever drink, they’re fine. We’re talking about people who don’t go near a pub for 11 months out of the year, the kind of awful human beings who buy their beer from supermarkets with the weekly shop, people who consume such a laughable quantity of alcohol that they can only be designated as “non-drinkers”.
Whether it’s the Christmas Work’s Do or a Festive Drink With Friends, you are ruining pubs for the rest of us. Everyone hates you. Every actual drinker in the pub hates you and all the serving staff hate you. You’re awful. Here’s a guide on how to not be quite so awful

DO NOT APPROACH THE BAR UNTIL YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT

• The bar is an intricate machine full of separate-yet-interconnecting cogs. It is NOT the place to think or choose or decide. The engine only works if everyone knows their place and performs their function. Do you hear that collective groan as you ask the Bartender if they’ve got Cranberry Juice? Or as you turn around to ask Barbara what she wants to drink? That groan is you single-handedly sucking life away from your fellow drinkers. Make a decision first, then go to the bar and order what you’ve selected. Just like ANY OTHER FORM OF COMMERCE!

DON'T START DRINKING AT 4pm

• You’re NOT a drinker. We haven’t seen you all year. You’re an amateur, so don’t start out with a Marathon. You can’t just rock up to the Premier League one day saying “I’m Match Fit, lads!” This is why you’re puking and crying before nine o’clock at night.

YOU ARE IN A ROUND

• I don’t care who you’re with, how many of you there are or how well you know them. You are in a Round with all the people you came in with. That’s how it works. You see those twenty-five loud, burly, drunken Rugby Players on the other side of the pub? They are a pleasure to serve compared to you. They order eight pints of lager, eight pints of Guiness, six pints of bitter and three Jack Daniels, then they pay the bill in one fell swoop. Your group orders ten drinks one-at-a-time and then pays for them all one-at-a-time as the rest of pub creeps closer to Death’s eternal grasp waiting for you to finish, despite the fact nine of you are drinking the same ###### drink and the last person, THE LAST PERSON, wants a Guiness putting on. Every single person waiting to get served wants your group to die in a complicated house fire.

KNOW WHERE YOU ARE

• Look around you. What kind of drinking establishment are you in? Is it a pub or a bar? If there’s 85 lads watching football on the telly, stop trying to be a drunk, flirty attention-whore because it won’t work. If the walls are cluttered with offers of 6 Shots Of Neon Sourz For A Fiver, don’t try asking for that Single Malt whiskey you memorized from Mad Men. Equally, if it’s a pub adorned with wood furnishings and hand-pulls, stop trying to get the Landlord to make that ###### cocktail you saw on Sex And The City

HOT GIRLS GET SERVED FIRST

• Welcome to Western Civilization.

iPHONE ETTIQUETTE

• Okay, the music isn’t great. It’s nothing to write home about. But it’s been specifically selected to offend the least amount of people. It’s background music. If you want anything else, then you want to be at a club or a gig. If, however, you’ve decided to“do the pub a favour” by blaring out a playlist from your iPhone, then you are a . A prize, prize . Other expletives come to mind. Likewise don't get offended if the barman politely gives you a pound and rejects all six Abba songs you paid for.

ATTRACTING ATTENTION

• Newsflash: You are NOT next. You might have been in the bar queue longer than anybody else, but that doesn’t mean you’re next. Do you know why? Because there are no "Official Rules Of Queueing At The Bar." The Bartender is 100% in charge of who is next. So do not ###### them off. Yes, they can see you. You do not need to bang your change on the top of the bar. You do not need to wave your money around in the air, as if you’re the only person in the room with a tenner (unless it’s a Strip Club). You especially do not need to click your fingers like a Parisian Cafe ##### or whistle like a Shepherd herding his flock. These tactics will only achieve one outcome: no matter how long you’ve been waiting up until this point, you’ve just moved yourself to the back of the queue.

PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT

• If an old bloke sat at the bar gets served before you do, and the Bartender knows him by name and even seems to know what he’s drinking before he orders it, just shut the up. That’s Bob. Bob drinks here all the time. Bob drinks here five times a week, every week. Bob’s custom pays the bills. Bob and the other Regulars keep the pub open eleven months of the year whilst you’re having dinner parties and bulk-buying booze from the supermarket. Yes, they get preferential treatment. Accept it and shut the up.

TIME IS TIME (sometimes)

• Pubs don’t stop serving because they hate you (that’s a lie, sometimes they do) or because it’s funny or because they get bored of selling beer. It’s a legal requirement for them to stop serving at a designated time. Once Time is called, they are legally unable to sell anymore beer. You cannot cajole them into selling more, because it’s a legal requirement. You cannot bribe them into selling more, either with the promise of drinks or money, because it’s a legal requirement. You cannot reason or argue them into selling more, because it’s a legal ###### requirement. “Who’s gonna know? There’s nobody around, I won’t tell anyone.” THAT’S HOW THE HOLOCAUST STARTED!
See you in twelve months, you ###### pricks.

 

 

There should be a statutory requirement for every pub in the land to display this notice.

[WearyRhino]

Seasons greetings from: https://www.facebook.com/TheStokeInnPlymouth/posts/320571948144973?fref=nf&pnref=story

There should be a statutory requirement for every pub in the land to display this notice.

"Single malt whiskey"???

[Farmduck]

San Diego police search for 400-pound bearded woman suspected of stabbing man

[Old Frightful]

San Diego police search for 400-pound bearded woman suspected of stabbing man

 

"The suspect fled the scene, and is described by police as a white woman "with a beard", weighing approximately 400 pounds"

 

 

 

flee

 (fli) 

v. fled, flee•ing. v.i.

1. to run away, as from danger or pursuers; take flight.

2. to move or pass swiftly; fly; speed.

[Farmduck]

Meanwhile, in cricket world, Adam Voges' batting average against the Wests Indies stands at 542. 

 

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-12-27/voges-produces-obscene-numbers-as-australia-tramples-windies/7055846

[Farmduck]

Dyslexic donors turned away form sprem bnaks

[Farmduck]

Just another lazy Sunday afternoon in the Northern Territory

 

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-01-03/boost-to-croc-industry-as-croc-capture-numbers-released-nt/7065022

 

[Futtocks]

The new Vivaldi browser (from the original team behind Opera) has reached its first beta release. It isn't quite the finished item yet, but it is getting there.

[WearyRhino]

The new Vivaldi browser (from the original team behind Opera) has reached its first beta release. It isn't quite the finished item yet, but it is getting there.

 

I see it's major USP is that it is highly customisable. I find the problem with that approach on applications, is that I spend all my time customising the thing that customising becomes an end in itself. Maybe that's just me!

[Futtocks]

I see it's major USP is that it is highly customisable. I find the problem with that approach on applications, is that I spend all my time customising the thing that customising becomes an end in itself. Maybe that's just me!

It depends what you want in an application. Plenty of browsers cater to those who want simple minimalism, but people who used to love Opera are disappointed with that company's current direction towards a `me too` browser that's little different to Chrome.

[Futtocks]

Princess Leia and that bikini...

[Tiny Tim]

 

 

http://www.anglotopia.net/british-identity/humor/british-humour-the-definitive-stereotype-map-of-britain-and-ireland/

[Farmduck]

The 5 most searched words on Google. It's quite a bizarre mix