The cheesy B-Movie thread

[Futtocks]

Over-sexed Rugsucker from Mars (1989)

I had to see this, because Mark Kermode said it was the worst movie ever made. He's wrong, but he's close.

Claymation Martians visit earth to see what has become of their human experiment. The one thing that really annoys them is litter, so they decide to cross-breed humans with vacuum cleaners, to make a species that cleans up after itself. To do this, they induce Vern (a hobo) to copulate with Dusty (sorry, don't know the make or model).

However, this makes Dusty a sexual predator and when it goes off in search of more victims, Vern is left abandoned and lovelorn.

Our hero Tom, an onanistic voyeur, becomes the target of Dusty's affections, after the hoover has killed his wife. The object of the hero's pervy eye is Rena, who is getting sick of her new-age boyfriend's slack-jawed serenity. Rena dreams of being a rock star, which just gives one of the rotten bands who did the soundtrack to actually appear on-screen.

Then Dusty turns up at Rena's home, so now she has something in common with Tom, as they have both been molested by a dirty dustbuster. The cops get involved, which means that someone who neither sounds or looks like Humphrey Bogart gets to wheel out his Sam Spade impression. There's an identity parade of horrid henries, but Dusty's not one of them and is still on the loose. In fact, while this is happening, Dusty is in a toilet, taking a dump.

Then, just as heartbroken Vern (remember Vern?) is considering chucking himself off a bridge, Dusty comes back to him in the most heartwarming scene of the whole movie. There follows a montage of the two frolicking joyously in the park, on a pedalo, feeding the ducks, watching porn together, etc. Vern discovers that Dusty is male, but realises that true love conquers all.

But the incident with Dusty has got Rena pregnant, which finally jolts her boyfriend out of his nitwit complacency.

There's a chase on shopping trolleys between Bogus Bogart and Vern, while Dusty beats up the other cop, who is soon wrapped up in hoover-hose like Laocoon and thrown under a train. Vern hits a lamp post and is captured. 

Then Sham Spade has a voice-overed flashback to his wonderful relationship with Veronica (a sheep). Sample dialogue: "Death has a way of bringing us face to face with the bare ass of reality".

Vern is put on trial for having sexual relations with a household appliance. After giving evidence, Rena gives birth to a mini-hoover with a Cabbage Patch Doll head. In the confusion, her boyfriend is shot dead, while Vern does a runner with the vacusapien. He meets up with Dusty and they try to escape the fuzz.

A SWAT team is called in and surround the house where Vern, Dusty and Babyvac are holed up. Enraged by a gunshot graze to Vern's head, Dusty charges the waiting marksmen and is fatally riddled with bullets.

But wait! Here come the aliens! The human/hoover hybrid is beamed up into their spaceship, and the future of the new species is secured. Vern walks on the beach for a while, carrying Dusty's corpse, then just dumps it on the railroad tracks and walks away to kill himself.

Fin.

[Vichyssoise]

I don't know what is the most extraordinary. That someone came up with that story or that someone actually thought investing money in the project was actually a good idea.

[Futtocks]

38 minutes ago, Vichyssoise said:

I don't know what is the most extraordinary. That someone came up with that story or that someone actually thought investing money in the project was actually a good idea.

Let's just say they did't invest much money in it.

[Vichyssoise]

How do you manage to muster the strength & willpower to sit through these works of... art?

I find it amazing and admirable in a way. Watching the first 10 minutes of Plan 9 many moons ago killed any interest I might have had to further engage in that sort of entertainment.

I love your posts though.

[Futtocks]

9 hours ago, Vichyssoise said:

How do you manage to muster the strength & willpower to sit through these works of... art?

I find it amazing and admirable in a way. Watching the first 10 minutes of Plan 9 many moons ago killed any interest I might have had to further engage in that sort of entertainment.

I love your posts though.

There are two types of great bad films. They are either cheerfully bare-faced exploitation (Starcrash, Dolemite) or a work of utter commitment by a director who believes he's making the greatest movie of all time (The Room, Double Down).

Bad bad films are either corporate cynicism making product that they know will do well whether it is good or bad (anything by Michael Bay or Adam Sandler), or movies made deliberately cheesy and shoddy as a gimmick (Sharknado and other Asylum productions).

If you can't enjoy a great bad movie on its own, check out Mystery Science Theater 3000 (NetFlix or YouTube) or RiffTrax (Amazon video or via the RiffTrax website). They can help you through the pain.

Edited July 28, 2017 by Futtocks

[Futtocks]

You want an epic death scene? Fill yer boots with this!

 

[Exiled Townie]

Voted the greatest movie dialogue ... ever ...

 

[Futtocks]

The Order of the Black Eagle (1987)

This movie contains the following:

• James Bond-style gadgets
• A Scientist with a Space Laser
• A Polo Match
• A Baboon in a dinner-jacket who can fly a microlight and drive a miniature tank
• An eyepatch-wearing Orson Welles impersonator as a villain, who dies impaled upon a spear
• A diamond heist
• A laser grid
• Cryogenically-frozen Hitler, whose face melts off
• Bazookas
• A bus crash
• A speedboat chase, ending with an explosion
• A motorbike chase, ending with a piano-wire decapitation
• Some ancient and mysterious polystyrene ruins
• A polystyrene castle dungeon
• A Wild West shoot-out
• Ninjas
• A hot-air balloon

...and it's still terrible!

Edited August 2, 2017 by Futtocks

[Futtocks]

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991)

A dementedly OTT martial arts prison flick. I won't post my own review, as this one is good and fairly accurate.

However, a YouTube search for Riki-Oh will bring up an English-dubbed upload of the complete movie, in every shade of insanity you could desire. I won't post the actual link here, in case there are copyright problems.

[Futtocks]

Frankenstein Island (1981)

Jerry Warren, the writer/director of 'The Wild World of Batwoman', took a long break after that 1966 movie, only returning to filming 15 years later, with 'Frankenstein Island'. Whatever he was doing in the interim, it certainly wasn't Film Studies.

Several of the cast are varyingly familiar names from 'Mystery Science Theater 3000' episodes like Batwoman, Space Mutiny, Red Zone Cuba and The Giant Spider Invasion. 

However, John Carradine only appears as a disembodied head, delivering dialogue that may actually be from a completely different movie. Fellow B-Movie stalwart Cameron Mitchell appears to be channelling Edgar Allen Poe, in a performance that seems mostly a work of drunken improvisation, much like the plot.

Okay, the plot... erm... uh... well, it barely exists. Hot air balloonists, alien Amazons, zombies, a henchman who laughs before delivering every line, kung fu zombies, Sheila Frankenstein, a 200-year-old Professor Van Helsing (complete with a backup brain), telepathy-induced forearm spasms, vampire zombies, vampire Amazons, plus dialogue that sounds like it was written by a species that only communicates non-verbally. 

The titular monster does turn up... eventually. Over 70 minutes into the movie, in fact. He doesn't really do much, though, even in the final fight scene.

That scene sums up the movie, apart from the fact that there's some action in it. And here it is - five minutes and 10 seconds of "what the actual freshly-squeezed hell am I watching?"

 

 

[Futtocks]

Sorceress (1982)

Roger Corman in fine form, with a movie that contains approximately zero sorceresses. Plenty of male sorcerers, who don't look to me like sorceresses wearing fake beards, but I could be wrong...

However, it does feature the Harris twins, who had recently appeared as Playboy centerfolds. So we have frequent boobs. Unlike another contemporary sword'n'sorcery flick, 'Barbarians', whose starring twins were Peter and David Paul, the celluloid equivalent of Cheez Whiz... although I must say they have bigger chests than the Harris girls.

One of the heroes has a full-on Marjoe Gortner bubble perm (in mediaeval times), so he instantly cranks the trash-o-meter up several notches. There's a ginger Viking, much given to exclamations of "by the something of something!" Oh, and a satyr, who communicates in bleats and likes to spy on the twins (and their oft-exposed "twins").

But here's the twist; the gals have been brought up without realising that they are female, an don't understand there's a difference betwee the sexes. Cue a scene where they unleash the bewbs and say "What, these? Oh, we never really thought much about them." And they are also magically linked, so they experience the same things... cue a sex scene with one sister and perm guy, while the other girl embarrasses herself in front of her fellow heroes, due to sympathetic multiple orgasms.

Buckles are swashed, horses are galloped in random directions, breasts are exposed, bad exposition is, er, exposed. Repeat the above sequence 'til you've hit feature length. Oh, and Chewbacca's family seem to have been block-booked for mook duties.

Good guys'n'gals win, bad guys bite the dust - the end. A thoroughly Cormanesque boobsploitation flick. And why not? 

[Futtocks]

Having enjoyed a few Jim Wynorski titles, including the Wizards of the Lost Kingdom films given the MST3K treatment, I had a look on IMDB to see what else he'd directed. Here's a classy-sounding selection: 

• Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre 
• Scared Topless 
• Sexipede! 
• Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders 
• Camel Spiders 
• Busty Cops and the Jewel of Denial 
• The Hills Have Thighs 
• The Devil Wears Nada 
• The Breastford Wives 
• The Da Vinci Coed 
• Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade 
• The Bare Wench Project 
• Demolition High 
• Munchie Strikes Back 
• Scream Queen Hot Tub Party 
• Sorority House Massacre II 
• Chopping Mall

Wholesome family entertainment, I'm sure you'll agree.

[Futtocks]

The Psychotronic Man (1979)

Written by and starring Peter Spelson

Rocky Foscoe (really!) is a Chicago barber who looks a little bit like Dennis Farina. During an incredibly long, slow and dull drive home from work, he blacks out. Waking up again, he finds himself and his car hovering in mid-air. This may have something to do with the bottle he was swigging from, but maybe not, as he begins to manifest 'psychotronic' powers that make machinery go haywire. It also allows him to kill people with his mind, seemingly without motive. All he has to do is touch his quiff and folks pop their clogs.

His first victim is a friendly old geezer, whose only crime is excessive gurning and a hyperactive "old-time wisdom" gland. He then kills his doctor, who he actually went to for help. So far, so 'Scanners' (which it pre-dates), only with a hairdresser instead of Michael Ironside.

We cut, clumsily, to an extended scene in a shoebox-sized nightclub that was most likely included because one of the cast or crew had a mate who was in a band.

Made for peanuts, and not many of them at that, the outdoor scenes were shot without official permission or notification to the general public, including the chase/explosion/shoot-out sequences. You may recognise a couple of locations later used in 'The Blues Brothers'.

Most of the extras were locals with no acting experience. Telling them apart from the named cast is... not easy, because the actors are pretty awful too. Long, dull shots are sometimes made even longer and duller with random slow-motion sections and jazzed up not even slightly with Dutch angles.

The music choices are odd and often inappropriate, but at least the church bell 'bongs' signpost something's about to happen during the generous stretches where little is going on.

Psychotronic Man is eventually cornered and a SWAT team shoots him 'til he falls to his death from a tall building... or does he? The lack of a sequel suggests that nobody really cared either way.

[Futtocks]

Oblivion (1994)

1994, so... not the Tom Cruise film, then. This is cowboys versus aliens, except it isn't 'Cowboys & Aliens' either.

"Jim... Beam me up" (George Takei, addressing a bottle of whiskey)

So we know a sozzled Sulu is in this flick. He is joined by Meg Foster, Isaac Hayes, Carel Struycken aka Lurch, Andrew Divoff aka The Wishmaster and Julie Newmar aka Catwoman. The hero, however, is played by the bland Richard Joseph Paul aka "who?"

Struycken plays a psychic who always knows when someone is about to die. Julie Newmar plays the saloon proprietor Miss Kitty. Oh, and there are also claymation scorpions, a Josephine Baker lookalike, conjoined-twin cowboys, a camp tango dancer henchman, a malfunctioning cyborg deputy, a whip-wielding dominatrix, arm-wrestling to the death, a killer frog and a native American mystic. Standard stuff.

The story's a familiar one about a young man returning home to avenge his father's death and cop off with the only nice girl in town. Apart from the slow pacing and bad acting, this is good fun, with plenty of in-jokes referring back to the cast members' earlier, more famous roles. No scenery is left un-chewed, especially by Takei and Newmar. Struycken, however, is eerily effective in his role.

[Futtocks]

Hawkeye, aka Karate Cops (1988)

This pre-dates 'Samurai Cop' by a few years, but is cut from the same cloth. A shoddy buddy movie, with the hero's sidekick shamelessly trying to do an Eddie Murphy voice. Unlike 'Samurai Cop', this does actually feature some proper martial arts action, but the rest is enjoyably cheap, in acting, direction and humour. Watch for the boom mike making a couple of appearances - always a reliable sign of what Frank Zappa would call "cheepnis".

 

[Futtocks]

The Seventh Curse (1986)

A Hong Kong action flick, featuring Chow Yun Fat and Maggie Cheung. The hero, however, is played by Siu Ho Chin, who, whilst having the requisite Fu for the job, also looks just right for the fresh-faced, bookish character he plays. Think 'Indiana Potter and the Chamber of flesh-ripping Ghouls'.

The film starts with clearly affluent people enjoying a brandy in a living room. This has nothing to do with the plot. Nothing at all.

Due to a Thai tribe's curse, the hero suffers from bouts of bleeding, which will eventually drain his body if he cannot reverse it. The tribe worships a worm god, who punishes any doubters in pretty messy fashion. Not quite as gory or gonzo as the same director's 'Riki-Oh', but there's a still substantial fake blood budget.

The SFX are of mixed quality, but all done with proper Hong Kong Cinema gusto. You never have to wait too long for an action scene. Maggie Cheung, before she became the Grande Dame of Chinese cinema, is still in the same over-excited ditz mode as you may have seen her in some of Jackie Chan's most frantic movies.

There is some mild boobage, but this is more of a ketchup party than a sexploitation session. Wonderfully mangled 'English-ish' subtitles, too, in the version I watched, like "Listen to me or I'll spank you without pants!" or "I'll catcha you guys later".

Everyone hit with a shotgun shell flies back at least six feet - yep, it is one of those movies. The two male leads enter the tribe's camp unencumbered, yet still, when attacked, produce a full arsenal of firearms including (of course!) a bazooka.

Then they battle a bunch of monks before tearing the eyes out of a giant stone Buddha statue. Eating one of the eyes, helps combat the curse, apparently. Then back to the tribe's village to battle 'Old Ancestor'. He, in turn, is battled by 'Little Ghost', a carnivorous tadpole, before being given the coup de grace with the bazooka. Twice.

Then, as the credits roll, we rejoin the brandy-swillers from the opening scene, who still have nothing at all to do with the story.

[Futtocks]

Demonwarp (1988)

Another online reviewer summed it up, so I don't have to:
"Cyborg-vampire extraterrestrial overlords with giant scorpion stingers; shape-shifting Sasquatches on murder sprees; Zombie drones; Demonic cult sacrifices; and loads of totally unnecessary full frontal nudity... Demonwarp has a little something for everyone."

Does it live up to the poster? Is it quite obviously made on the cheap? Is it fun? Does George Kennedy mention this movie on his CV?

Nope, yep, yep, probably not.

 

Edited October 26, 2017 by Futtocks

[Vichyssoise]

On 10/15/2017 at 11:07 PM, Futtocks said:

The Seventh Curse (1986)

A Hong Kong action flick, featuring Chow Yun Fat and Maggie Cheung. The hero, however, is played by Siu Ho Chin, who, whilst having the requisite Fu for the job, also looks just right for the fresh-faced, bookish character he plays. Think 'Indiana Potter and the Chamber of flesh-ripping Ghouls'.

The film starts with clearly affluent people enjoying a brandy in a living room. This has nothing to do with the plot. Nothing at all.

Due to a Thai tribe's curse, the hero suffers from bouts of bleeding, which will eventually drain his body if he cannot reverse it. The tribe worships a worm god, who punishes any doubters in pretty messy fashion. Not quite as gory or gonzo as the same director's 'Riki-Oh', but there's a still substantial fake blood budget.

The SFX are of mixed quality, but all done with proper Hong Kong Cinema gusto. You never have to wait too long for an action scene. Maggie Cheung, before she became the Grande Dame of Chinese cinema, is still in the same over-excited ditz mode as you may have seen her in some of Jackie Chan's most frantic movies.

There is some mild boobage, but this is more of a ketchup party than a sexploitation session. Wonderfully mangled 'English-ish' subtitles, too, in the version I watched, like "Listen to me or I'll spank you without pants!" or "I'll catcha you guys later".

Everyone hit with a shotgun shell flies back at least six feet - yep, it is one of those movies. The two male leads enter the tribe's camp unencumbered, yet still, when attacked, produce a full arsenal of firearms including (of course!) a bazooka.

Then they battle a bunch of monks before tearing the eyes out of a giant stone Buddha statue. Eating one of the eyes, helps combat the curse, apparently. Then back to the tribe's village to battle 'Old Ancestor'. He, in turn, is battled by 'Little Ghost', a carnivorous tadpole, before being given the coup de grace with the bazooka. Twice.

Then, as the credits roll, we rejoin the brandy-swillers from the opening scene, who still have nothing at all to do with the story.

Looks like a must-see movie, especially if it stars Chow Yun Fat.

[Futtocks]

Talking Pictures TV has just started showing 'Gonks go Beat' - one of those shoddy teen-beat knock-offs that appeared in the wake of 'A Hard Day's Night'. One of the first scenes has a teacher telling off the Graham Bond Organisation (including Jack Bruce and Ginger Baker) for not playing loudly enough.

Kenneth Connor plays an alien, tasked with  bringing peace to the warring islands of Beatland and Balladisle. Basically, it is just an excuse to get a bunch of popular musical acts to play their current hit and link them with what could only very charitably be called a plot.

You can see the cheapness in every shot and line of dialogue. Also in the film are Frank Thornton, Terry Scott, Arthur Mullard and Reginald Beckwith.

The Bands:
The Graham Bond Organisation
Elain and Derek
Ray Lewis and the Trekkers
The Long and the Short
Lulu and the Lovers
The Nashville Teens
The Trolls
The Vacqueros

[Futtocks]

Dracula the Dirty Old Man (1969)

This is a bit of an oddity; a mildly sleazy, cheap-as-dirt vampire flick which, after shooting, proved to have serious sound quality issues. So the director re-dubbed the whole film with his own voice, but only after deciding to play the whole thing for laughs instead of the original horror concept.

Much of this is done in voiceover, but when you can see the actors' lips move, the dialogue clearly doesn't match what they read from the original script. You can also clearly see the wires and sticks operating the 'bats'.

However, playing the dialogue for laughs certainly saves what would otherwise be an utterly forgettable movie. Not exactly 'What's up, Tiger Lily?', but a similar concept.

You can watch it here (a fair bit of nudity, by the way):

 

 

Edited October 30, 2017 by Futtocks

[Futtocks]

Awesome Lotus (1983), aka Enter the Bassett
"A Dilettante Production"? You don't say...

Found on Amazon Prime, this is a very shoddy martial arts comedy. A karate assassin (Loraine Masterson as the titular character) comes out of from retirement to save the silk industry from an evil organisation promoting the use of Rayon.

The pacing is slow, the humour lumbers, the slapstick's clumsy and the limited amount of kung is faux. There are indigestible chunks of exposition, delivered in stilted fashion and with bad accents. The comedy is worse than the action. Clichés? Oh, more than enough to go around.

Remarkably, some of the cast have more than one film on their CV. Not the irredeemably blank leading lady, though.

This isn't an enjoyably bad movie; it is just lazy, badly-executed crud. Was this an attempt to apply the 'Airplane!' spoof formula to the martial arts genre? If the makers of this movie had actually cared about their work, maybe we would have a more definitive answer. This is really an early forerunner to the lazy 'Scary Movie' and 'Meet the Spartans' formula.

You can make a decent movie, or at least an entertainingly bad one, on a shoestring budget. Or you can make this sort of lousy tripe.

Avoid.

[Futtocks]

Who'd have expected the poster for Texas Chainsaw Massacre II to be a tribute to the most famous 'Brat Pack' movie of all?

[Futtocks]

 

[Futtocks]

Yes!  Announced very late last night - NetFlix have green-lighted a new series of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

[Futtocks]

Tupac Shakur's big-screen debut wasn't some gritty tale of life in the 'hood. It was in the unhinged, directionless and very silly Dan Ayckroyd turkey Nothing but Trouble.

He and the Digital Underground jam with Dan, who is playing a mad old judge with a penis for a nose. Later, Tupac and the lads play at the wedding of Chevy Chase and John Candy, while Demi Moore tries to escape a giant melon-slicer.

In the words of the late, great Anna Russell, "I'm not making this up, you know!"