The cheesy B-Movie thread

[Futtocks]

Incubus (1966)
A black'n'white horror movie...

...starring a pre-Star Trek William Shatner...

...and the dialogue is entirely in Esperanto!

You're welcome

 

[Futtocks]

On 24/12/2020 at 21:13, Futtocks said:

Incubus (1966)
A black'n'white horror movie...

...starring a pre-Star Trek William Shatner...

...and the dialogue is entirely in Esperanto!

You're welcome

 

Having watched this, I am genuinely surprised and very intrigued. Shatner's very good, the story is interesting and the whole thing has a strange other-worldly feel, heightened by the Esperanto dialogue. It has a rather Scandinavian feel overall.

But why B&W in the Sixties? And why Esperanto? Plus the IMDB trivia is unsettling too. "Just one year after this film came out, as its prints were being destroyed, William Shatner was cast in Star Trek (1966), cinematographer Conrad L. Hall got his first Academy Award nomination, actor Milos Milos murdered Carolyn Mitchell (estranged wife of Mickey Rooney) and then killed himself, and actress Ann Atmar committed suicide."

[Futtocks]

Director's Cut (2016)
Currently available on Amazon Prime.

This is a bizarre flick, starring Penn Jillette (Penn & Teller), Missi Pyle (Galaxy Quest) and Harry Hamlin (Clash of the Titans).

Part "making of", part DVD commentary in style, this is a movie about a movie. Jillette plays Herbie Blount, a crowdfunder of the film who is obsessed with the leading lady (Pyle). 

The movie-within-the-movie is about the hunt for a copycat serial killer, but that all gets left in the background as Herbie's activities equally disrupt filming and creep out Pyle.

Herbie obviously gained control of filming, as he presents it with his voiceover about how great Missi is and what lousy hacks the director and the rest of the cast are. He also cuts in backstage footage, mainly of the crew complaining about him.

Then things go a little too far...

Deliberately cheap and shoddy in style, this doesn't hit every target it aims for, but is still an intriguing and entertaining oddity. It also features a speaking cameo from Jillette's partner-in-magic, Teller.

[Futtocks]

Portal to Hell!!! (2015)
An H.P.Lovecraft-inspired short (only 12 minutes) starring "Rowdy" Roddy Piper (They Live, Hell comes to Frogtown), who died the same year.
This is fun and smarter than you'd expect from a film starring a pro wrestler, although you can see the ragged edges of the budget almost everywhere. I believe this was crowdfunded.
Anyway, Piper plays a janitor who comes across a cult in the basement of his building who are opening a demonic portal and, well, clean-ups are part of his job description after all.
Watch it here.

 

[Futtocks]

Psycho Goreman (2020)

Remember E.T., when some children discover an alien on Earth? Well, in this movie, some children also discover an alien on Earth. Only the alien is an imprisoned Galaxy-terrorising tyrant and the little girl who finds she can control him is a smart-talking sociopath.

So we have a fish-out-of-water splatter comedy, as the little girl gets to play dress-up with the alien, make him play drums in her band, and generally tyrannise everyone she doesn't like. And she doesn't like anyone much.

It is pretty good at hiding the budgetary limitations most of the time, and while it is played for laughs, there's also an extravagant amount of blood spilt. Spilt, sprayed, smeared, everything.

The style is reminiscent of 'Turbo Kid', although not quite as cleverly written. Still, a fun waste of time and plenty of laughs.

 

[Futtocks]

I just watched a movie with a cast including Robert Patrick (Terminator II), Alyssa Milano (Melrose Place), Michael Berryman (The Hills have Eyes), comedian Andy Dick and George Hamilton (playing himself).
The bad guy's henchmen are called Huey and Lewis and the closing credits play out to the tune of 'All together now' by The Farm.

[Futtocks]

Big T!ts Zombie (2010) aka Big T!ts Dragon

Look... it is what it is, okay?
More splatter than boobage, but exactly as nuts as a Japanese movie about strippers fighting the undead is supposed to be.
And the "dragon" in the alternate title is because one of our protagonists shoots fire, albeit not from her mouth.

[Futtocks]

Remo: Unarmed and dangerous, aka Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985)

Fred Ward (Kevin Bacon's pal from 'Tremors') plays a cop who is apparently killed in action, but who wakes up with a new identity, a position in a secretive intelligence agency and an aged Korean martial arts mentor.

The Korean chap is played by Joel Grey, best known for 'Cabaret' and not noticeably Oriental in any way. This casting would probably not go down well today, but his character (and his insults) are pretty good fun.

Kate Mulgrew (Star Trek: Voyager) plays an army officer who suspects corruption in the awarding of a major contract. Obviously, this is pure fiction and would never happen in a modern democracy, but that's not for now.

Ward plays his usual bluff, gnarled everybloke role well, and much fun is had with increasingly bizarre training routines and situations of peril.

I first saw this on VHS at school in the late Eighties, in a secret video club, where the act of opening the door to the room automatically switched the feed to the TV from video to worthy green-on-black computer code. Other movies seen this way include Gymkata and C.H.U.D.

[Futtocks]

Furious (1984)
Currently available on Tubi.tv (this currently requires a VPN for non-USA viewers)

Okay, stop. Deep shallow breaths. Try to figure something/anything out about this movie. Fail.

This is mostly a martial arts film. This is also an intermittent comedy film. Stop thinking of Jackie Chan before he got old and went to Hollywood. Stop even thinking of Jackie Chan after he got old and went to Hollywood. This movie makes no sense whatsoever, and is made by people who had (quite possibly) never seen a movie before. The lack of any logical sense at times induces a fugue state normally experienced while watching something by Neil Breen or late-period Donald G.Jackson.

Let's just say that the baddie's chief henchman can either turn people into chickens, or fire chickens at people. It isn't entirely clear, but then he gets turned into a piglet and plays no further part in the plot after his post-porcine exposition dump.

This is basically insanity on celluloid. What were they thinking? What were they smoking? What... the actual heck?

[Futtocks]

Chopping Mall, aka Killbots (1986)
Dir: Jim Wynorski

Proper Eighties horror fun! The day a shopping mall introduces three robots designed to immobilise thieves and clamp down on crime in general, two things happen. 1.There's a lightning strike, which turns the robots not just evil, but lethal. Don't try to explain it, this is the Eighties. 2.A bunch of employees decide to stay behind overnight and do that there sex with each other. 

Guess what happens? Oh, you got it already. Yes, there's an exploding head. Then the survivors of the initial attack have to, er, survive 'til the automatic security doors re-open in the morning. Or destroy the robots.

The cast includes John Terlesky (Deathstalker 2), Barbara Crampton (Re-Animator), Dick Miller (The 'Burbs), Angus Scrimm (Phantasm), plus a cameo by Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov from 'Eating Raoul', who were supposed to have more of a part in this, but got cut from the cinematic release.

Definitely recommended. There is a scene with spiders and snakes, in case either is a problem for you.

This is currently available to watch on Amazon (UK) Prime.

Edited April 5, 2021 by Futtocks

[Futtocks]

Wild excitement and divers alarums on the internet today, as Joel Hodgson announced a new Kickstarter for Mystery Science Theater 3000.
This time, he's not pitching it to a network, but the new episodes will be available on the show's own dedicated platform, which will also host live shows, specials, shorts and other goodies.
The campaign's been going less than three hours and has already raised over $800,000 in pledges towards the initial goal of $2,000,000.

 

[Futtocks]

Forbidden World (1982)

When asked if this was just a sleazy Alien rip-off, one of the people involved informed the journalist that this was the greatest sleazy Alien rip-off ever. I'll call it a game attempt.

For the final release, producer Roger Corman chopped it around a bit, and removed some of the director's intentional comedy bits. He never got round to editing out Dawn Dunlap's scenes - I can't think why...

[Futtocks]

Faust: Love of the Damned (2000)
Dir: Brian Yuzna

It isn't that I've stopped watching glorious glorious trash - I'm just bone idle with write-ups. So let's get back on the horse...

'Faust' is based on a comic, apparently, and the movie is a messy pleasure. Lots of blood, sex, ectoplasm and OTT acting.

Mark Frost (Poldark, Corrie) stars as artist John Jaspers*, who loses his faith after gangsters murder his girlfriend. He is about to jump off a bridge, when a strange character, calling himself 'M' offers his the chance of revenge. After signing a contract with his own blood (I think we've all guessed what M stands for by now), Jaspers develops supernatural abilities and a set of Wolverine-style retractable claws.

Revenge taken, and bad guys sliced'n'diced, Jaspers then finds out about the small print of his contract. He has to go on killing for M, but suffers a mental breakdown and is committed to an asylum.

Here he meets Jade, a shrink who tries to bring him out of his shell with music therapy, but his treatment is cut short when Jaspers is transferred by people who don't appear to be public health professionals. These turn out to be M's people, who have been searching for our hero inside the asylum, who bury Jaspers alive for not being the obedient assassin he signed up to be.

Jade is suspicious and investigates, with the help of Dan, a loose-cannon cop played by Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator). M's people come after her, but she is saved by what appears to be a demon, who eviscerates most of them and disappears. Yes, this is Jaspers/Faust, fresh from the grave, whose performance suddenly kicks up a gear into full-on manic glee.

Meanwhile, M and his nymphomaniac sidekick Blue, are carrying on taking over the city. At one point, M disciplines Blue for relying on sex for power, in a scene that you have to see to believe. In one online review, the term "puddle o'boobs" is used.

There's a bit of cat & mouse, as the authorities try to capture Jade, with Faust trying to rescue her. It all ends up in a black mass, Jade's daddy issues, and special effects that, while you can see the budgetary limitations, are as stomach-churningly imaginative as you'd expect from the director of 'Society'.

*an in-joke for the arty crowd.

[Futtocks]

RiffTrax have made their treatment of Miami Connection available free on their YouTube channel. Highly recommended!

 

[Futtocks]

The Island of Dr Moreau (1996)

I couldn't get through this without RiffTrax. Marlon Brando doing a rotten British-ish accent with an ice bucket on his head, Val Kilmer chewing the scenery and an (apparently) heavily-sedated David Thewlis. Incoherent, self-indulgent gibberish of the very worst kind.

[Futtocks]

The Match-Stick Flame (2020)

Written by Craig Robert Bruss. Directed by Craig Robert Bruss. Produced by Craig Robert Bruss. Starring Craig Robert Bruss. Casting by Craig Robert Bruss. Location co-ordination by Craig Robert Bruss. Costume & Wardrobe by Craig Robert Bruss.

Yes, it's one of those glorious ego-trip movies, made by someone (Craig Robert Bruss) who'd watched the Godfather trilogy and reckoned he (Craig Robert Bruss) would like a piece of that.

Dalton (played by Craig Robert Bruss) is an angry cop. Possibly the angriest cop ever captured on film. He is recruited into a Magnum Force-type operation of cops that don't play by the rules, maaan.

What the police don't know is that Dalton (played by Craig Robert Bruss)'s father is a mob godfather who's just got out of prison and is looking to take back Los Angeles from the gangs who have thrived in his absence.

Cue many scenes of Dalton (played by Craig Robert Bruss) going around, punching first and asking questions later. His fury is not slaked by the violence; if anything, he (played by Craig Robert Bruss) gets angrier. His police chief shouts a lot, as they always do. All the oriental characters know kung fu. Many wigs are magnificent, especially the mob boss, who appears to be sporting a capybara. Dalton (played by Craig Robert Bruss)'s girlfriend is kidnapped and murdered. The ratio of punches and kicks to foley effects occasionally approaches 1:1.

Every scene looks like it was lit by someone different and shot on a different camera. Some of it is almost competent, some is appalling, most is somewhere in between. Everything is exactly the right type of wrong, and great fun!

Thank you, Craig Robert Bruss (played by Craig Robert Bruss).

Edited September 1, 2021 by Futtocks

[Futtocks]

Intruder (1989)
Directed by Scott Spiegel

A supermarket-based slasher that takes an absolute age to get going, then hits the afterburners all at once and goes howlingly insane.

Starring Elizabeth Ross, the Raimi brothers (Sam & Ted), Renee Estevez (yes, another one from that family), with a brief cameo by (of course) Bruce Campbell.

Some very inventive camerawork throughout and lots of squishy, creative kills towards the end make it worth the wait, if you can find the uncut version. The setting provides enough different rooms for variety and humour, while still giving the feeling of the protagonists being trapped.

[Futtocks]

John Kincaid Unleashed (2017)

Neil Breen doesn't make martial arts movies, but if he did...

A baffling tale of secret agent David Lee, haunted both by the loss of his wife, and the presence of a villainous maniac, John Kincaid. Lee is played by “J.J.Stomp”, and the actor/director/writer has made sure that his own character is beloved by the children, an all-round saint, brave, charming and the studliest fighter that ever pulled on the obligatory black tank-top.

As for the acting, Lee is wooden, but tries hard, while his nemesis (yes, he sports a ponytail) is an eye-rolling, tongue-slobbering pantomime goon. There's a little girl, aged about five, who acts both of them off the screen whenever she appears. 

The editing appears to have been done blindfolded, and some scenes seem equally random in themselves. A ginger bloke appears partway through, simply to breakdance for a few painful minutes before having his neck snapped. He has no connection to any of the other characters, or to the plot. A girl half Lee's age appears to wander in from another movie, just so she can fall in love with him, which also has nothing to do with the story.

Several times, the pace is killed stone dead by a montage, backed with a rotten ballad that was probably scraped from some copyright-free collection.

In the fight scenes, Kincaid's henchmen wait politely so he can fight them one at a time, almost like the deli counter ticket gag in Loaded Weapon.

Anyway, the good guy wins, the bad guy loses.

Marvellously bad, permanently confused, adorably incompetent. Many thanks to Len Kabasinski's "Forgotten Movie Den" podcast, which alerted me to this movie.

[Futtocks]

Prey of the Jaguar (1996)

For all that it's not very good, you can tell that some effort was made on this sorta-superhero movie.

Our hero Derek (Maxwell Caulfield) is a former secret agent, now raising a family in the witness protection scheme. The drug dealer he jailed escapes and comes looking for revenge. Despite the baddie's name being Bandera, he's played by a one-note mockney dolt, who drags the movie down every time he opens his mouth. Derek is warned of this by the commander (Stacy Keach), but doesn't think he'll be found.

Anyhoo, baddie and henchman kill our hero's wife and son, and leave Derek for dead, because killers never check if their target is still breathing in these films. Linda Blair plays one of the cops who find him and rush him to hospital.

When recovered, Derek goes to see his old colleagues to get information on Bandera. He is not made welcome. Then he goes to live with his old martial arts instructor, who sharpens up Derek's rusty technique so he can take revenge. Cue training montage.

Now for the movie's gimmick! Derek's son, before he was killed, invented an imaginary superhero called the Jaguar, who uses his training and equipment to fight crime, not having superpowers. Derek decides to become the Jaguar and take down Bandera, tribute-style. Just so the viewer knows he's deadly serious, he shaves off his moustache.

For the gear he needs, he visits the Toymaker (Paul Bartel), whose shop is a front for the agency's weapons store. Derek equips himself with a dart gun, a crossbow and some Bibleman-style armour. At this point, all his weapons are tranquilliser-based, because he wants ANSWERS, DAMMIT!

Anyhoo, he's soon cutting a swathe through the city's drugs trade, while the cops can't agree if this is a good or a bad thing.

Of course, things escalate and there are many, many punchy-kicky scenes, before the grand finale. As I said at the start, while being strictly B-movie schlock, this is a much better-made film than these sort of stories usually get. Neither Stacy Keach or Linda Blair look like they're phoning it in, and Paul Bartel is Paul Bartel, which is just fine. Care appears to have been taken, within the bounds of the budget. The main henchman's demise is a bit perfunctory, though, and more could have been made of that scene.

[Futtocks]

Pieces (1982)

An Italo-American slasher flick. Lots of ketchup, fairly boobular, and an ending that MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!

Also, the “bad Chop Suey” scene that could only have come about because a Bruce Lee clone was at a loose end that evening, and needed the money. It has nothing to do with the story and has no effect on it.

Recommended by the ‘Stevie’s Brain Rot’ podcast, and currently available on Tubi TV.

[Futtocks]

Time for some Rudy Ray Moore!

 

[Futtocks]

Flesh + Blood (1985)
Imagine if Paul Verhoeven did a remake of The Vikings, only with Rutger Hauer as a Landsknecht mercenary in plague-infested continental Europe instead of Kirk Douglas as a Viking in Scandinavia. Oh, and the creepy guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark as a much creepier guy?
Well, that’s what happened!
Violent, bawdy, gory, morally ambiguous, etc. Worth a watch.

[Futtocks]

The line-up of movies to be riffed in Series 13 of Mystery Science Theater 3000, coming out next year.

1. The Treasure of Dracula (1969). An El Santo movie, so Mexican wrestling versus Vampires.
2. Robot Wars (1993). Big robots roam the wasteland and fight each other.
3. Beyond Atlantis (1973). A treasure hunt movie, featuring Sid Haig and Vic Diaz.
4. Munchie (1992). The sequel to 'Munchies', thus flipping the 'Alien' franchise naming convention upside-down.
5. Doctor Mordrid (1992). B-movie stalwart Jeffrey Combs plays the title character who, for legal reasons, can't be called Dr Strange, even though that's clearly what this is.
6. Demon Squad (2019). The chickenfeed-budget story of a paranormal investigator.
7. Gamera versus Jiger (1970). One of the Gamera movies that the original MST3K never got round to.
8. The Batwoman (1968). Another luchador movie, only this Mexican grappler spends much of the time in a Batkini.
9. The Million Eyes of Sumuru (1967). Revisiting a film originally riffed in the KTMA days, sometimes known as MST3K Season Zero.
10. The Shape of things to come (1979). Sci-Fi schlock with Jack Palance as the bad guy.
11. The Mask (1961). Not the Jim Carrey hit, but a 3D horror film from Canada.
12. The Bubble (1966). Another 3D movie, about a mysterious town where the locals behave like automata.
13. The Christmas Dragon (2014). A bunch of orphans save Christmas. Aww.

[Futtocks]

The movie I'm currently watching has this scene in it. No further comment.

 

[Futtocks]

Well, Mystery Science Theater 3000 returned for a new series this weekend. First episode/experiment - Santo in the Treasure of Dracula. A Mexican "masked wrestler versus vampire" flick that eventually got going, after some technical issues and the inadvertent canonisation of "White Dot" as a new official character. 
The riffing was top notch, the movie was incoherent and stupid, and the whole thing had a celebratory feel, as the show cast off the shackles of having to pander to companies like Netflix or the Sci-Fi Channel, and struck out to live or die on its own merits.
It was well past 4am when the post-show chat finished, so I'm glad I didn't have any plans for today.