Daft conversations

[Bearman]

A friend of mine realised he had lost his phone in the bus. He had it when he got on and then found it missing, so he phoned the lost property department of the bus company

My Mate (MM) " Hello I wonder if you can help me, I've left my phone on one of your buses"

Bus Company (BC) "which one'"

MM " the number 17 from the hospital"

BC "what colour was it"?

MM " Black"

BC " we haven't got any black buses"

And the guy was serious!

Anyone else got any examples?

[JohnM]

Many years ago my car was broken into in an overnight car park. The question on the insurance claim form asked "what happened". I wrote in " I don't know..I wasn't there."  The claim was paid.

[Derwent]

I once heard a conversation in a tough pub in Workington which still makes me chuckle 20 odd years later...

Bloke : somebody burgled my flat last night when I was in here

His mate : that's terrible mate, did they get away with anything ?

Bloke : no, I've nothing worth taking. But I'd just made a big pan of tatie hash and the dirty b'stards took a dump in it

Mate : oh that's horrible mate

Bloke : I know, I had to throw half of it away.....

[C H Calthrop]

Way back when one of the office bods said she was to going for a weekends backpacking with her new boyfriend but was completely out of her depth when it came to being away from clubs, hotels and restaurants. She asked if I could show her how to use a compass and map, just so she would seem a bit clued up. So the day after I brought in a compass and OS map and said we should go outside to take a bearing. She replied to this " yes you are right it won't know which way to point without the seeing the sun". 

[Wolford6]

There was once a quiz team  that played out of a really rough pub in Bradford ... the Cock and Bottle. The captain of their team was atypical of the pub regulars; he was academic and not much interested in sport.

One season, we had to play there on a night when the England football team were playing in a World Cup qualifier. Our game finished just as the football finished We walked out of the back room into the main bar ...just as a couple of blokes came in in their overalls straight after finishing their shift.

 

One of these spoke to the quiz captain:

Shift worker:What was the score?

Quiz captain (something like): We lost 36-34

Shift Worker (excitedly): God, I bet that was a good game!

[Padge]

Old Frightfull (Sat in the Anvil before Wigan Hull game) "What time do you leave to go to the game"

 

Padge (3:00PM Kick Off) Twenty to 3:00

 

Later that day.

 

Old Frightfull "We missed the fekin kick off, missed the first try, you said it took twenty minutes to get to the ground"

 

Padge "No, you asked what time do we leave, we always leave twenty minutes before kick off, and miss the kick off, next time ask the right question".

 

 

Slightly paraphrased.

[Old Frightful]

I carried out the electrical installations in 95 new houses in Coventry back in 1989. A lady had moved into one of the semi detached two storey houses and her mother had moved into one of the bungalows opposite. I was called to the bungalow a few days after the mother had moved in where it was said she had a complaint about the electrics. When I arrived she invited me in and asked me why the consumer unit had been installed at high level in the entrance hall. I explained I was governed by where the meter cupboard was located on the exterior of the bungalow as I could only run the meter tails a short distance and this location had been agreed by the main contractor. She looked at me and said...

 

"Well, in my daughter's house it's under the stairs".

[Old Frightful]

Old Frightfull (Sat in the Anvil before Wigan Hull game) "What time do you leave to go to the game"

 

Padge (3:00PM Kick Off) Twenty to 3:00

 

Later that day.

 

Old Frightfull "We missed the fekin kick off, missed the first try, you said it took twenty minutes to get to the ground"

 

Padge "No, you asked what time do we leave, we always leave twenty minutes before kick off, and miss the kick off, next time ask the right question".

 

 

Slightly paraphrased.

That's not quite how I remember it.

[Futtocks]

Just been reading 'Aussie English' by John O'Grady, aka Nino Culotta, and the last section is verbatim conversations, usually overheard in pubs. They ALL belong in this thread!

[Bearman]

and then found it missing,

Im just as daft.. I have just realised what I wrote in my OP.

[Padge]

That's not quite how I remember it.

 

Considering your alcohol intake that day I'm not surprised.

[Bearman]

A mate used to keep a book of daft things that the lads at work had said. Amongst the crackers were

" it was brilliant in Belgium. All English beer, Heineken, Stella. Carlsberg"

" it was that cold my windscreen was just like a sheet of glass"

"The water was lying on the field like a sponge"

My contribution was.

Me.. " I'm going canoeing at the weekend"

Mate " where? "

Me " Hay on Wye"

Mate " what rivers that on"

Me thinking quickly " must be on the Severn" doh

[Old Frightful]

I phoned Roy Boy on his mobile phone a year or two back to ask him what time he was gonna make it to the pub pre match one Friday. He replied "I'm just leaving the office so should be there by half five". I then started to discuss the inevitability of another home defeat whilst he was leaving his office and we were deep in discussion when he said "Just a minute". After listening to him grumble and cuss along the lines of "Where the ###### is it" to himself for a short while, he eventually came back on the phone laughing to himself. I asked him what was going on and he said "I've just been looking for my f***ing phone!"

[Andrew Vause]

A couple I heard from kids;

Last year I saw a student's dad walking their dig near school.

I said 'C I saw your dad walking the dog near school last night.'

' yeah he's just had his balls chopped off' was her reply.

Another time, different kid. ( We are in Wakefield).

' Are you doing Owt for your birthday S?'

' yeah me mam and dad are taking me to the Macdonalds at Bristol'

I thought that the 400 mile round trip was a bit excessive for a Burger. Turns out he meant Birstall.

And finally my Dad was a deputy at the Prince of Wales pit in Pontefract. He was filling the shift log in at the end of the nightshift when one of his crew said 'Albert, how do you spell whistle?'

My dad spelt the word for him but couldn't for the life of him think why he needed to use the word whistle.

' Harry why do you need to use the word whistle' ( Harry was filling in his own personal log)

' Albert the chiller unit is running low on Anti-Freeze and whistle (sic) need some more on the day shift'.

[Derwent]

After Elvis died they released Way Down and it came on the radio. My mam said "who's that ?" I said it was Elvis to which she replied "oh, he must have recorded it before he died".

Many years ago when I was a junior member of staff in a large company I was the last one in the office and my bosses phone rang. I answered it and it was the CEO who was a Sir and quite an important fellow. He said he needed some information urgently and I told him there was nobody here to do it and I was just about to leave. He told me I would have to do it but I said I cant I have to leave now. He got angry and after a rant said "Do you know who I am ?" "Yes Sir, but do you know who I am ? " "No I havent a clue who you are" he said. "Well" said I "in that case go and ###### yourself". I had my coat on and out of there in record time !

[Derwent]

I also heard a classic in a supermarket once. An older lady and a younger lady (mother and daughter I presume) were looking at, ahem, tampons etc and the younger one was obviously going to buy some of the more expensive ones. The older lady said "what do you want to pay that much for them for ? Why are they that expensive ?" The younger one said "they're a new kind, they've got wings". "Aye" said the old one "well so did Paul McCartney and he was bloody rubbish".

[bowes]

Two of mine from the late 90s that seem so much dafter with hindsight

First one was after one of the school computer geeks (not a term used as often by the younger generations) was showing me about the internet and my response was 'this is rubbish. What is the point of it when Teletext and libraries can already do all this'

My second was as follows

My dad: Dave has got the internet now

Me: what a pervert, he's clearly only got it for porn

[ckn]

The one I often think about is a guy who relocated to take up his new job back in 2000 or 2001.  He sold his old mortgage-free house, stuck the money in a savings account and rented a house, he said "house prices are just stupid now, I'm holding on until the price crash then I'll make a killing".  A couple of years later, still in the rented house, property prices had gone up by about 30% in that time where he was living.

 

As others have gone slightly off, here's one that made me really chuckle at the time.  Two and a half weeks into a three week army live-fire exercise at that lovely place called Otterburn, silly dark hours of the morning, radio silence.

 

Unknown voice on the regimental radio net in a Mr Bean/Kermit hybrid voice: "Is there anybody out there?"

Unknown: "I know you're out there, why won't you play with me?"

0 (0 is the radio controller for that net):  "Hello unknown broadcaster this is 0, respect radio silence, out"

Unknown: "Ooooh, someone's being antisocial"

Unknown: "I bet you're having a night-time five finger shuffle and just don't want to be disturbed"

0: "Hello unknown, orders from 0A (zero alpha is the commander in charge of that network, this time the regiment's CO), respect radio silence, out"

Unknown: "That's it, I know now, you're sucking him off and he wants an undisturbed vinegar shot".

0A: "This is 0A. Get off this radio net now or else I'll see you in jail.  OUT!"

Unknown:  "Someone's an unhappy teddy bear.  Did I cause him to go limp?"

0A: "This is 0A, identify yourself now"  (all pretense of radio protocol has gone out the window now)

Unknown:  "Why would I do that when I'm having this much fun"

(cue the CO having a frothy mouthed fit over the radio and the RSM then organising a radio check in for everyone with a radio or access to one in the morning so the CO could do a voice check.)

[bowes]

Actually a classic today, me and one of the women were blaming each other for her time sheet being messed up so jokingly she said 'You'll be over my knee'. But managed to say it so loud some of the law firm we share a building with heard and burst out laughing.

 

Me:' You need to redo you time sheet for February it's got deleted'

Her: ' Didn't you do it? So it's your fault. I'll put you over my knee'

Lawyer guy: 'that's abuse'

One of the women at the law centre: 'You just want to join in'

[Stan Doffarf]

Years ago I asked my sister in law if she'd seen Rita, Sue and Bob Too. She replied that she hadn't seen Rita, Sue and Bob One yet.

[hindle xiii]

I work in constructional steel and terms become everyday vernacular, even if to me they're funny.

Our draughtsman took half a breath in the wrong place when he asked our site manager "do you have an erection.. pack?"

It made me laugh but it took them a second or two.

[WearyRhino]

The conversation was a bit one sided, due to me being dumbfounded, but....

 

When I was about 8 or 9, I was kicking a soccer ball on the road and up against the wall of our house in a quiet suburban cul de sac on the edge of Harrogate waiting for friends to join me. Cars were few and far between: there weren't as many cars around in the mid 70s and it was, as I say, a quiet road. Hence, we were usually able to play freely and safely on the road. I then became aware that a very very large American 'automobile' was approaching. The sort that you only saw on Kojak, that could comfortably house a family of 5 and would drain a UK petrol station of its entire stock in one visit. The window was wound down and a large (inevitably) American gentleman beckoned me over and asked me the directions to "Hadrian's Wall".

[Andrew Vause]

Being about 7 years old and not really aware of homophones, (the relevance to this was that my Dad was a collier.)

I was in The Kiosk newsagents in Pontefract, with my mam.

My eyes caught sight of the sign covering up the top shelf girlie mags.

'Not for the sale to minors'

I pointed to the sign and said ' Mam does that mean my dad can't buy those?'