Joke thread

[Bearman 4,093]

 Yesterday I had to use my supermarket discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen. Unfortunately it only took 20% off.

[Bearman 4,093]

 Save a fortune in presents this Christmas by falling out with friends and family. Lay the groundwork now so that it does not look like it’s about presents.

[Bearman 4,093]

WARNING!!!!
Female aliens are kidnapping men with big cokcs this Christmas.
Obviously you're not in danger but I texting to tell you that this spaceship is flipping awesome!

[Bearman 4,093]

Serious Offers Only
My mate has a ticket for the Champions League final..includes travel/hotel and seat in box with complimentary champagne.Then he realised it clashes with his wedding day...so he cant go.If you can take his place be at St Peters church in Bolton at 11.00...her name is Susan...she'll be the one in white;-)

[Bearman 4,093]

Have you got Alexa?

If so say “ Alexa what is one hundred one hundred one hundred in Welsh”!

[Segovia Carpet 154]

London Zoo found that their collection of chimpanzees was too large and offered some to any zoo that may be interested.

 

Chester Zoo said they would take a dozen and a couple of days later the animals were loaded into a truck for the journey.

 

All went well up the M1 and M6 but shortly after leaving the latter motorway and with only 30 minutes or so to go, the truck broke down near to the Smoker Inn @ Plumley.

 

The driver pulled into a lay-by and phoned for a recovery vehicle but was told there would be a wait of a few hours as all patrol vehicles were busy.

 

Desperate to deliver the monkeys the driver flagged down another truck. “Have you got a load on mate?”

 

With negative for an answer the Zoo man said “If I give you £100, will you take these chimpanzees to Chester Zoo.

 

” Yes, came the reply and after a struggle and much alarm the chimps were transferred to the empty truck, and the driver departed.

 

The London Zoo man then settled down to wait for the recovery van.

 

About three hours later the driver looked up the road and there coming back from Chester was the same truck. There were chimps swinging from the wing mirrors and sitting in and on the cab roof.

 

Horrified the Zoo man waved the truck into his lay-by. “What the hell is going on?” He asked “I gave you 100 quid to take them to Chester Zoo”.

 

“Yes” said your man “I did that, and they had such a good time, so with £50 left over I’m going to take them to Alton Towers.

 

[ckn 15,581]

A posh Londoner, James, moved to a rural cottage in deepest Cumbria.  His first day there, there was a knock on the door, an old, scruffy man with a strong local accent:

"I'm your neighbour Bert, I'm here to invite you to a party to welcome you to the area"

James: "That's lovely, thank you!"

Bert: "I have to warn you, there'll be drinkin'..."

James: "I like a few drinks now and again!"

Bert: "There'll be dancin'..."

James: "I'm not much of a dancer, but, I'll have a go!"

Bert: "There'll be rough words said and maybe a bit of fightin'..."

James: "OK... I'm no soft type, I'll mind myself"

Bert: "There'll be lots of rough sex!"

James: "Just who's coming to this party?!"

Bert: "Just you and me".

[Bleep1673 1,705]

Two morticians were talking.

"That corpse of that young woman over there has a prawn between her legs".

"What do you mean, show me".

So the first mortician walked over to the corpse, pulled her legs apart and pointed. "There, a prawn".

"that's not a prawn you idiot, it's her clitoris".

"Well it tastes like a prawn"!

For the Yorkshiremen on this board who do not know what, or how to find a clitoris, it's just off the A58, West of Halifax

[Boomer Bang Wool 114]

A man was lying naked at a nudist beach with only a hat to cover his groin area. A naked old woman walks up to him and says “If you are a real man, you’d lift the hat.” He replies “If you were younger, the hat would lift itself.” 

[Old Frightful 6,215]

I had a mate at school that was caught masturbating in the showers.

They stopped doing trips to Auschwitz after that.

[Mumby Magic 746]

What's a gangster rappers favourite medical procedure?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hip Op

[The Hallucinating Goose 2,438]

A man is driving along a long, empty road when he sees a beautiful young woman at the side of the road flagging him down. She asks if he can give her a lift up the road and he lets her in.

As he drives on he turns to her and asks, "aren't you afraid I might be a serial killer?" 

The young woman simply smiles at him and says, "what are the chances of two serial killers being in the same car?" 

Edited November 1, 2019 by The Hallucinating Goose

[DavidM 10,125]

On 31/10/2019 at 18:39, ckn said:

A posh Londoner, James, moved to a rural cottage in deepest Cumbria.  His first day there, there was a knock on the door, an old, scruffy man with a strong local accent:

"I'm your neighbour Bert, I'm here to invite you to a party to welcome you to the area"

James: "That's lovely, thank you!"

Bert: "I have to warn you, there'll be drinkin'..."

James: "I like a few drinks now and again!"

Bert: "There'll be dancin'..."

James: "I'm not much of a dancer, but, I'll have a go!"

Bert: "There'll be rough words said and maybe a bit of fightin'..."

James: "OK... I'm no soft type, I'll mind myself"

Bert: "There'll be lots of rough sex!"

James: "Just who's coming to this party?!"

Bert: "Just you and me".

We change that one to the Outer Hebrides and going to a ceilidh

[ckn 15,581]

1 minute ago, DavidM said:

We change that one to the Outer Hebrides and going to a ceilidh

That’d work. Big Hamish with a strong islander accent.  

[DavidM 10,125]

Husband and wife hit big financial problems so they have a meeting to decide what to do ... the wife says ‘ well I could take up prostitution ‘ . The husband isn’t sure but says ‘ ok , desperate times and all that . ‘
 

Next morning the wife gets on her shortest skirt , skimpiest top and sexiest long boots and off she goes . In the evening she comes back , and the husband says ‘ how much did you make ? ‘ . 
‘Well’  ,  she says ‘ ‘ £26.50 ‘.

’ Jesus ‘ says the husband  ‘ who gave you fifty pence ? ‘
To which the wife replied ‘ err , all of them ‘

 

[Exiled Townie 308]

Two couples travel up from London to Cumbria for a long weekend.  They found a local pub and got chatting to the barman.  'See that old blind man over there' says the barman 'He's famous around here, he can tell you the history of any piece of wood just by smelling it.' Intrigued, they go over to the old man and buy him a pint, get chatting and indeed he does say he can tell you about any wood.  They decide to test him and one of them hands him a hand carved wooden cigarette case. The old blind man sniffs it and says 'Polynesian hard wood, 35 years old, tree chopped down at 3.30pm on June the 9th.' Thats amazing says the tourist, I know the history of this and he's exactly right.'  They decide to test him again and this time hand him a small wooden snuff box.  He sniffs it and says ' Mahogany from Cuba. Cut down on the west side of the island in 1899, by a left handed lumberjack, probably  Pablo Gonzales.'  

The tourists were amazed, and after buying him another pint, hatch a plan.  One of the wives climbs on to the table in front of the blind man, bends over in front of him and takes off her knickers.  The old man bends forward and sniffs. A frown appears, he sniffs again, he thinks for a while then says 'Well you have me here, the nearest thing I can come up with is a sh!thouse door made out of fish boxes.'

[DavidM 10,125]

Man on trial in the high court ...

judge solemnly says ‘ you are charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer ‘

Suddenly a voice from the back of the public gallery shouts ‘ you utter £#@&£#£ ‘

’ Silence ! ‘ says the judge ‘ I won’t tolerate public outbursts like that ... Now , you are also charged with battering your daughter to death with a hammer ‘

Again the same voice shouts out ‘ you total &£#@&& ‘

’ Quiet !’ roars the judge ‘ any more of this and you’ll be held in contempt ... Now , you are also charged with battering your mother in law to death with a hammer ‘

And now the voice in the public gallery roars out a full on foul mouthed rant at the accused ...

Well the judge has had enough ..’ Come forward ‘ he says .

A little man gets up and strides down to the front of the court .

’ Now ‘ says the judge ‘ I know these are very emotional matters but this won’t do , tell me what is all this disturbance about ? ‘
To which the man replies ‘ well your honour , it’s like this see . I lived next to this scrote for ten year and every time I popped round to borrow a hammer he said he didn’t have one ‘

[Jasper 125]

[Liverpool Rover 564]

Two nuns are in a car and the one who is driving has to brake suddenly when a vampire jumps out in front of them.

One says to the other "Quick! Show him your cross".

The other one puts her head out of the window and shouts "GET OUT OF THE F****** WAY!"

Edited November 1, 2019 by Liverpool Rover

[Bleep1673 1,705]

A mother doing her ironing sees her son on the stairs, he eats an M & M, picks up the cat, licks it, and bumps down a stair, then he does the same thing again. After the third time she asks him what he is doing and he says he's practising for when he is grown up, popping pill, eating pussy, and moving on.

[Bedfordshire Bronco 1,713]

On 29/10/2019 at 17:02, Bearman said:

 Save a fortune in presents this Christmas by falling out with friends and family. Lay the groundwork now so that it does not look like it’s about presents.

A Viz one surely? 

I still buy it once a year at 40! Just the Xmas one 

[Bearman 4,093]

6 minutes ago, Bedfordshire Bronco said:

A Viz one surely? 

I still buy it once a year at 40! Just the Xmas one 

Here are couple more of theirs.

The bible says it easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God...... That's Clff Richard fcuked then!

 

When someone dies they show all of their films on television. I hope Sly Stallone dies 'cos I really like him.

[The Hallucinating Goose 2,438]

A bus load of nuns are killed in a crash. 

When they awaken they see the gates to heaven and a queue forming and so join the back of it. At the front is an angel and a font. Each person that reaches the front washes a different part of their body before entering heaven. 

When the first nun reaches the front, the angel says, "if you have ever been with a man you must wash away your sins and then you can enter". The nun replies with, "i once poked a man". The angel says, "then you must wash your finger" the nun does as asked and enters heaven. 

The second nun walks up to the font and says, "i once stroked a man's leg" and washes her hand before entering heaven. 

The third nun says, "i once kissed a man" and washes her lips before entering heaven. 

Suddenly there is a disturbance further down the queue and one nun comes frantically running down the line. She dunks her head in the font and takes a mouthful of water before swilling her mouth out and spitting out the water. The angel asks, "what are you doing child?" and the nun replies, "i aren't putting any of that water in my mouth after Sally down there has had her bumhole in it!" 

Edited November 4, 2019 by The Hallucinating Goose

[graveyard johnny 2,220]

I looked out of the bedroom window today to see the wife staggering round the garden clutching her chest in obvious pain and distress, I thought "I need to act fast" so I re loaded the gun.

[The Hallucinating Goose 2,438]

3 hours ago, graveyard johnny said:

I looked out of the bedroom window today to see the wife staggering round the garden clutching her chest in obvious pain and distress, I thought "I need to act fast" so I re loaded the gun.

Similar to this one. 

A man was digging a hole in the garden when he came across an old chest. He got the chest out which was incredibly heavy and managed to break off the rusted padlock. Inside he found it was filled with gold. So excited he ran into the house to tell his wife, then remembered why he had been digging the hole.