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From Emo Philips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

 

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down and screaming. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I have had that piping hot pot of coffee. Oh I have tried other enemas.

 Some of my classmates would copulate with anything that moved. But I never saw any reason to limit myself.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.Stuff like being caned by a middle aged woman. Stuff you have to pay good money for when you are older.

 

 

Edited by Bearman
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Ron Banks

Bears and Barrow

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47 minutes ago, Bearman said:

Sad news about Prince Andrews car crash next month.

I hope his insurance is up-to-date.


Rethymno Rugby League Appreciation Society

Founder (and, so far, only) member.

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The other day the Mrs asked me to pass her the lip balm. I passed the super glue by mistake...she's still not talking to me

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18 hours ago, kiggy said:

The other day the Mrs asked me to pass her the lip balm. I passed the super glue by mistake...she's still not talking to me

This is the joke thread not the helpful tips thread 😉

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On 04/11/2019 at 18:57, graveyard johnny said:

I looked out of the bedroom window today to see the wife staggering round the garden clutching her chest in obvious pain and distress, I thought "I need to act fast" so I re loaded the gun.

I looked out of the bedroom window this morning to see the wife lying on the lawn. Flamin' foxes had dug her up again. 

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It was Christmas Eve morning.

 Father Christmas went down to breakfast and Mrs Claus said we have run out of milk. So he had no cereal or milk in his tea,

He went to put his Wellingtons on only to find that over the summer his roof had leaked and his boots were full of water.


He went out to get the reindeer in and over the summer they had escaped into the next field. Eventually he rounded them up only to find one was pregnant so he had to go and find another one.

As he was fitting them into the harness  he found that over the summer some of the leather had rotted so he went and found his needle and thread to sew it up.

He went into the workshop only to find the Elves were on strike “ Too cold to work” he was told.

“Oh come on lads, it’s Christmas and the children are waiting for their pressies. Look, I promise I will fix the central heating and give you a bonus, what do you say?”

 They went to work and he grabbed a bag of toys only to find that the bag had rotted and the toys spilled onto the snow. 
 Once again he has to get out the needle etc.

He threw the bag of toys into the sled only to find that over the summer the wood has perished and again the toys hit the snow. He found some nails and planks but he could not find his hammer.

“ Have you seen my hammer”he asked Mrs C. “ where did you leave it?”..

”on my bench “

” That’s where it will be then”

” it’s not there, have you tidied it up?”

” No, I wouldn’t touch your tools, you need to look after them better. Have a look in that drawer “

There it was “ why you just say it was there, you know I am busy. Why did we have all that where did you leave it nonsense. You could have just told me”.

“ Well you should look after your stuff. oh by the way my mother is coming to spend the holiday with us.

 Just then the door bell rang and there was a fairy with a Christmas tree standing there.

“ Merry Christmas Father Christmas. Where would you like me to stuff this tree?...........

And that’s why from that day on there has always been a fairy on top of the Christmas tree

 


Ron Banks

Bears and Barrow

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Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper? 

He sold his soul to Santa. 

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On 23/11/2019 at 11:14, tonyXIII said:

I hope his insurance is up-to-date.

I hope his date is up to insurance.

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Under Scrutiny by the Right-On Thought Police

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BREAKING NEWS

Police in Salford last night pulled over a local lad & were amazed to find his car taxed, insured and with a valid MOT. It wasn't stolen, there were no drugs, and the driver was sober with a full licence & no points.

GMP Spokesman said they had no choice but to fine him £80 for wasting Police time.

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RESURGAM

Non solum autem Leones

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A man walks into a bar with a bucket of tarmac.

He says to the barman "I'll have a drink for me now and one for the road".

 

A girl says to her gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits ?"

He says "How flexible are you ?"

She replies "I can make Tuesday mornings if that's OK with you."

Edited by RL does what Sky says

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On 30/12/2019 at 20:07, Exiled Townie said:

244.jpg

How did you know?

 

😂😂


"Freedom without socialism is privilege and injustice, socialism without freedom is slavery and brutality" - Mikhail Bakunin

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A redhead walks into a doctor's surgery.

"Doctor" she says "when I press on my leg, it hurts, when I press on my head, it hurts, when I press on my foot, it hurts, have you any idea what it is?"

The doctor says "You're not really a redhead are you?"

The lady says "No, I was a natural blonde"

The doctor says "You've broken your finger".

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It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joe came running in to the room with tears streaming down his face and shouting " It's a boy, its a boy!  " 

We never went back to Thailand.

 

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Ron Banks

Bears and Barrow

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Why do seagulls have wings?

So they can get to the Tip before the gypsies.

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"Australia is a spoiled nation. They can expect my revenge. I'm not crazy when I say this, they are the crazy ones who give you hot sausages before the match when it's 40 degrees celsius outside."

--------------------------

"Shifty Matty Petersen trying to get in there with a little five-fingered discount." Franklin Field, Philadelphia, 30/11/2004

--------------------------

FourthThird Second Best Statement Ever: Student Ram 02/06/2004 (Without a trace of irony): "... because, when you think about it, really... Wakefield is kind of the centre of the universe. You know, both ways, you've got..."

Followed by a half a minute justification of this point of view.

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Just now, Cas Vegas said:

Why do seagulls have wings?

So they can get to the Tip before the gypsies.

And I'm allowed to do that joke. BTW, before anyone kicks off. And if you do kick off I've got dozens of kids that'll foight yer forra fiver. On the cobbles, of course.


"Australia is a spoiled nation. They can expect my revenge. I'm not crazy when I say this, they are the crazy ones who give you hot sausages before the match when it's 40 degrees celsius outside."

--------------------------

"Shifty Matty Petersen trying to get in there with a little five-fingered discount." Franklin Field, Philadelphia, 30/11/2004

--------------------------

FourthThird Second Best Statement Ever: Student Ram 02/06/2004 (Without a trace of irony): "... because, when you think about it, really... Wakefield is kind of the centre of the universe. You know, both ways, you've got..."

Followed by a half a minute justification of this point of view.

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"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," says the bartender.

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We zap and maim With the bravery of being out of range We strafe the train With the bravery of being out of range

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Nicked from fb...

Me : I want to divorce my wife.

Lawyer : On what grounds?

Me : She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar.

Lawyer :  Are you saying she's an alcoholic or that she's cheating on you?

Me : Neither, she's looking for me.

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                                                                        RADFORD OUT!

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