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23 hours ago, Futtocks said:

What with new vaccines being tested and (hopefully) approved soon, and government policy twisting with whatever wind seems favourable on any given day/hour/minute, any and all predictions you can find will be subject to change.

I checked my own estimated place in the queue on a government site and it said probably some time in June. You'd almost certainly be ahead of me, if your self-description is honest and accurate. But that was a few weeks ago, and I didn't believe it then anyway, let alone now.

You are right to be skeptical.

"You clearly have never met Bob8 then, he's like a veritable Bryan Ferry of RL." - Johnoco 19 Jul 2014

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After having dug to a depth of 10  feet last year, Canadian scientists found  Traces of copper wire dating  back 200 years and came to the conclusion that  Their ancestors already  had a telephone

A horse is in the pub having a few drinks when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he nips over to have a natter The donkey asks "What do you do for a living?" The horse replies " I run on the fl

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On 07/01/2021 at 20:02, Futtocks said:

But that was a few weeks ago, and I didn't believe it then anyway, let alone now.

True & accurate. I am not Donald Trump distributing fake news.

Where were you last Thursday?

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5 hours ago, JohnM said:

Someone has stolen some road signs from the M62 in West Yorkshire.

The police are looking for Leeds.

They can't find their own backsides, so I doubt they could find anything.

Where were you last Thursday?

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I was riding my horse through the desert when I saw him: Pancho Villa. From a mile away I knew him. He wore a pair of leather chaparejos on his legs. On his head he wore a sombrero big enough to stretch from Oaxaca to Aguascalientes and back. But what caught my eye most of all is what he had in his hands: the big guns, both of them pointing right at me.

Pancho Villa called out to me. "Señor!" he called out. "Come down from your horse!"

I looked him in the eye and replied, "I come down from my horse for no man."

But what could I do? What could I say? When he had the big guns. So I came down from my horse.

Then Pancho Villa said to me: "Now, señor, drop the pantalones."

I said to him, "I drop the pantalones for no man."

But what could I do? What could I say? He had the big guns. So I dropped the pantalones.

Then Pancho Villa say to me, "Now, señor, you make a poop."

I say, "I make a poop for no man." But what could I do? What could I say? He had the big guns. So I made a poop like Pancho Villa said.

Then Pancho Villa said to me, "Now, señor, you will eat your poop." I answered, "I eat my poop for no man." But what could I do? What could I say? He had the big guns. So I began to eat my poop.

Then Pancho Villa let out a very big laugh. He let out a laugh so big and so loud that he frightened his horse. The horse reared up on two legs and Pancho Villa dropped the big guns. I ran to grab them, and suddenly I was the one who had the big guns.

For a long moment, Pancho Villa and I stared at one another, saying not a word.

Then I called out to Pancho Villa. "Pancho Villa!" I called out. "You come down from your horse!"

Pancho Villa gave me a stare that was colder than the snows of Orizaba. In a voice that was slow but determined, he snarled, "I come down from my horse for no man."

But what could he do? What could he say? I had the big guns. So Pancho Villa came down from his horse.

Then I said to him, "Pancho Villa, drop the pantalones."

He gave me a menacing look and said, "I drop the pantalones for no man." But what could he do? What could he say? when I had the big guns. So he dropped his pantalones.

Then I said to Pancho Villa, "Pancho Villa, now make a poop." He said, "I make a poop for no man." But what could he do? What could he say? I had the big guns. So Pancho Villa squatted down to make a poop.

"Now, Pancho Villa," I said to him, "You eat your poop." He replied, "I eat my poop for no man." But what could he do? What could he say? I had the big guns. So Pancho Villa ate his poop.

So, my friend. You ask me, have I met Pancho Villa? Yes, one time we had lunch together.

Four legs good - two legs bad

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.
It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
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I am so bored. I changed the wrappers around on the sweets in a box of ‘Celebrations’. Wife’s not happy, she got her Snickers in a Twix.

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Four legs good - two legs bad

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Just heard this exchange on Radio 4's 'More or less'.
Presenter "I wanted to call my child Zod, but my wife vetoed it."
Co-presenter "I would have thought you'd have gone for a name like Neil, before Zod."

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"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Why I Like Retirement!
 

Question:     How many days in a week?
Answer:     6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
 

Question:     When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer:     Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.
 

Question:     How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer:         Only one, but it might take all day.
 
 
Question:     What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:     There is not enough time to get everything done.
 

Question:     Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:     The term comes with a 10% discount.
 
 
Question:     Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer:     Tied shoes.
 
Question:     Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:     They are the only ones who have the time.
 
 
Question:     What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:     NUTS!
 

Question:     Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:     They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
 

Question:     What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:     Normal.
 
 
Question:     What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer:     The never-ending Coffee Break.
 
 
Question:     What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:     If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
And, my very favorite....

QUESTION:     What do you do all week?
Answer:     Monday through Friday, NOTHING.  Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
  
SERENITY
 

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'  '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?'  the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.
 
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.  I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts.  Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.  Have lost all my friends.
But, thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.  But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER:    

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune
to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
 
'*********
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with
5 or 6, maybe 10 others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can
remember who they are!

Always Remember This:    
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,    
You grow old because you stop laughing!
 

Ron Banks

Bears and Barrow

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7 minutes ago, Moose said:

image.jpeg.1f4b8fbb0c58d7a990419996057e3172.jpeg

you need to inset the words "self assembly" to make that joke work

did the bloke who invented the phrase "one hit wonder" invent anything else?

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1 minute ago, graveyard johnny said:

you need to inset the words "self assembly" to make that joke work

I realise it’s a step up for you from Benny Hill type jokes but isn’t it obvious.

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26 minutes ago, Moose said:

I realise it’s a step up for you from Benny Hill type jokes but isn’t it obvious.

not really- it says you bought a log cabin and the pic shows a pile of logs which could mean an array of things such as the cabin came assembled and collapsed or that is how the assembled log cabin was delivered- wording and timing means everything in comedy as the great Benny Hill would tell you if he was still here 

did the bloke who invented the phrase "one hit wonder" invent anything else?

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North Korea have announced they have developed a nuclear missile that can reach New York- which is scary because "if it can make it there , it can make it anywhere"

did the bloke who invented the phrase "one hit wonder" invent anything else?

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3 hours ago, graveyard johnny said:

not really- it says you bought a log cabin and the pic shows a pile of logs which could mean an array of things such as the cabin came assembled and collapsed or that is how the assembled log cabin was delivered- wording and timing means everything in comedy as the great Benny Hill would tell you if he was still here 

I bet you're a riot at parties, aren't you? 😉

Rethymno Rugby League Appreciation Society

Founder (and, so far, only) member.

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2 minutes ago, tonyXIII said:

I bet you're a riot at parties, aren't you? 😉

these days? cant remember the last time i was involved in either- a party or a riot - if restrictions are not lifted soon it may be the latter

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did the bloke who invented the phrase "one hit wonder" invent anything else?

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"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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"Watched a bit of the women's golf on the telly last night...same old story...useless at driving but fantastic with an iron..."

(Shamelessly pinched from fb...)

                                    "It started out in innocence, the way that most things do,
                                     a thousand people crammed in one place, but the only face was you"

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No description available.

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                                    "It started out in innocence, the way that most things do,
                                     a thousand people crammed in one place, but the only face was you"

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