Another Joke Thread

[graveyard johnny]

On 24/09/2025 at 16:55, The Hallucinating Goose said:

What is a Bee called in America?

A USB!

put the crackers on the floor in front of you and steadily walk towards us with your hands raised 

[The Hallucinating Goose]

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in one of the cages.

I asked the zookeeper why it was there and he replied simply, "its bread in captivity". 

[Yorks Tim]

An Egyptian phones a restaurant and asks to reserve a table for the Pharaoh Sakrakhotep I.

The woman at the restaurant says, “Could you spell it out, please?”

The Egyptian says, “Of course: bird, two triangles, wavy line, bird again, jackal’s head, and a scarab.”

[The Hallucinating Goose]

For her birthday, I took my wife to an Orchard where we sat and looked at the trees for half an hour.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

[JohnM]

Shamelessly stolen from Facebook

"A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f—king widow."

[Adelaide Tiger]

A young 14 year old lad starts his first day at the undertakers.  The boss says to him 'You will need to get used to seeing dead bodies. So, in that room there is the body of a middle aged woman who died a few days ago.  Go in there and remove her clothing and dress her in the clothes that her family wants her to be buried in'.

The young lad went into the room and emerged ten minutes later.  He went over to the boss and said with a blushing face 'Excuse me.  I took all her clothes off and she has a prawn between her legs'.  The boss sighed as he looked at the young lad and said 'Dear boy, that is not a prawn, that is her clitoris'.  The boy replied 'Well it tasted like a prawn!'.

Many thanks Jethro.

 

[Futtocks]

A pupil told me he was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school.

I asked “what's that?”

He said “it's a big building with lots of children, but that's not important right now.”

Edited November 5 by Futtocks

[The Hallucinating Goose]

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

[redsi42]

My friend failed his aboriginal music test. I asked him did you redo it?

[Futtocks]