I am f****** stupid!!!

[The Hallucinating Goose]

I just put my wallet, complete with all cards and cash, through the washing machine and tumble dryer. 

I checked every pocket in my trousers apart from the one halfway up the leg which had my f****** wallet in it.

I have just legged it to the closest cash machine. Thankfully my bank cards are still working. I don't know about other cards cos they are warped and ruined.

I am a f****** idiot.

Edited November 9 by The Hallucinating Goose

[Yorks Tim]

Left the restaurant last Saturday without my hat, which I'd forgotten to pick up before getting in the taxi.

This week, when leaving the bar after the Test match, hat (different one) was nowhere to be seen.

I'm not short of baseball caps yet but soon will be.

Quote

I am a f****** idiot.

 

 

 

  

[hindle xiii]

Good test for the newer plastic bank notes. How were they?

[Futtocks]

I remember finding someone in my seat on a train journey, who appeared to have a duplicate reservation. He was absolutely fine with moving seats, as the carriage wasn't crowded.

So I travelled all the way from Kings Cross to York, sitting comfortably in the seat I had rightfully reserved... for the next day.

[Gerrumonside ref]

7 minutes ago, Futtocks said:

I remember finding someone in my seat on a train journey, who appeared to have a duplicate reservation. He was absolutely fine with moving seats, as the carriage wasn't crowded.

So I travelled all the way from Kings Cross to York, sitting comfortably in the seat I had rightfully reserved... for the next day.

Reminds me of the time many years ago I panicked upon waking up, thinking I was late for a newish job, I skipped a shower and breakfast and dashed to the car.  Drove quite a distance to the office in Preston…which was closed…and dark.

It was Sunday not Monday…thought the roads had been quiet!

Edited November 9 by Gerrumonside ref

[HawkMan]

About 40 years ago something happened to me that still haunts me today. I'll never forget it. 

I was in the Essex countryside on a summers afternoon about 5 miles outside London. I arrived at a bus stop to find out that I had just missed a bus that runs only every 90 minutes. So I sat down on the grass for a long wait. I had a transistor radio with me and listened to the test match cricket.

Then I noticed some barbed wire fencing that had been dumped by the roadside. For some unknown reason,  possibly due to complete boredom I dragged the fencing over to me and then bizarrely proceeded to tie one of my shoelaces to the fence. (I suspect  I was going to try dragging the fencing as a test of strength). Then I noticed something extraordinary,  I was eating tic-tac mints and accidentally dropped one on the grass some time previously. Ants had swarmed around the mint and were carrying it away. It was fascinating as obviously they mistook it for an egg. I dropped another mint deliberately   and watched as more ants appeared and started carting off this mint too.

Then.....BEEP BEEP BEEP.

The bus had arrived  I hadn't noticed,  and leapt up and ran towards it....dragging barbed wire fencing by my shoelace as the bus passengers looked on bemused. 

I untangled myself and sheepishly boarded the bus, totally humiliated and avoided looking at anyone for the trip home.

Edited November 9 by HawkMan

[The Hallucinating Goose]

2 hours ago, hindle xiii said:

Good test for the newer plastic bank notes. How were they?

Not too bad actually, a lot crinklier and misshapen, didn't want to flatten at all round the edges, and I think the colour might have run slightly, again round the edges a little bit, but I'm sure the shops will accept them. 

In terms of my cards, the bank cards are fine, no damage at all apart from it washing my signature off the back. All other cards were damaged though; warped and curled up a bit, and the colour has massively run on them. This isn't a massive problem cos theres only one of those cards that gets swiped or scanned or whatever and its not one I use very often.

[Futtocks]

10 minutes ago, The Hallucinating Goose said:

Not too bad actually, a lot crinklier and misshapen, didn't want to flatten at all round the edges, and I think the colour might have run slightly, again round the edges a little bit, but I'm sure the shops will accept them. 

In terms of my cards, the bank cards are fine, no damage at all apart from it washing my signature off the back. All other cards were damaged though; warped and curled up a bit, and the colour has massively run on them. This isn't a massive problem cos theres only one of those cards that gets swiped or scanned or whatever and its not one I use very often.

A lot of cards with QR or bar codes can be scanned or loaded onto a mobile phone with apps like Google wallet. Worth having as backup in case you, well, put your real wallet through a full wash cycle.

[The Hallucinating Goose]

11 minutes ago, Futtocks said:

A lot of cards with QR or bar codes can be scanned or loaded onto a mobile phone with apps like Google wallet. Worth having as backup in case you, well, put your real wallet through a full wash cycle.

Nah, that's far too modern technology for me, mate. Think about it, the main area of social media I engage with is a RL forum that was around during the days of dial up Internet and Halifax Blue Sox.

[Old Frightful]

Not quite the same but I arrived at the MKM Stadium a couple of years back and wandered to the automated turnstile armed with my match ticket. The barcode scanner appeared not to work at first and I started to feel unease. Then I heard a mechanical click so assumed I could  proceed, however, the turnstile itself was still unresponsive. I then realised that the mechanical click I heard was the adjacent turnstile. In that brief period of time, the chap behind me had approached the turnstile scanner that had refused me and presented his ticket which then opened the previously unresponsive turnstile. I thought "how marvellous", and wandered through feeling somewhat relieved as it locked behind me. As I climbed the stairs, I furtively glanced back to see my unwitting partner in crime remonstrating with the stewards as to why he couldn't get in.

I thought to myself, "I must try that again sometime "...

[St Reatham]

4 hours ago, The Hallucinating Goose said:

I just put my wallet, complete with all cards and cash, through the washing machine and tumble dryer. 

I checked every pocket in my trousers apart from the one halfway up the leg which had my f****** wallet in it.

I have just legged it to the closest cash machine. Thankfully my bank cards are still working. I don't know about other cards cos they are warped and ruined.

I am a f****** idiot.

It’s an easy enough thing to do. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

[graveyard johnny]

6 hours ago, The Hallucinating Goose said:

I just put my wallet, complete with all cards and cash, through the washing machine and tumble dryer. 

I checked every pocket in my trousers apart from the one halfway up the leg which had my f****** wallet in it.

I have just legged it to the closest cash machine. Thankfully my bank cards are still working. I don't know about other cards cos they are warped and ruined.

I am a f****** idiot.

you know money laundering is against the law?

[Maximus Decimus]

Reminds me of a time as a young man when my mum put my passport through the wash. I used to carry it on a night out for ID and left it in my back pocket.

When it came out, it was a bit crinkled but basically fine. I had a holiday booked with the lads and my mum kept mithering me saying she didn't think they would accept it which I of course thought was nonsense. I eventually relented and called them a week before the holiday for them to clearly state that it wouldn't be accepted and that there was no way that I would be able to get a new one in time.

I don't know if they were new or what, but they had neglected the fact that I could go down and get one on the day. Relief all round as I got to go to Tenerife after all! 

[Maximus Decimus]

4 hours ago, HawkMan said:

About 40 years ago something happened to me that still haunts me today. I'll never forget it. 

I was in the Essex countryside on a summers afternoon about 5 miles outside London. I arrived at a bus stop to find out that I had just missed a bus that runs only every 90 minutes. So I sat down on the grass for a long wait. I had a transistor radio with me and listened to the test match cricket.

Then I noticed some barbed wire fencing that had been dumped by the roadside. For some unknown reason,  possibly due to complete boredom I dragged the fencing over to me and then bizarrely proceeded to tie one of my shoelaces to the fence. (I suspect  I was going to try dragging the fencing as a test of strength). Then I noticed something extraordinary,  I was eating tic-tac mints and accidentally dropped one on the grass some time previously. Ants had swarmed around the mint and were carrying it away. It was fascinating as obviously they mistook it for an egg. I dropped another mint deliberately   and watched as more ants appeared and started carting off this mint too.

Then.....BEEP BEEP BEEP.

The bus had arrived  I hadn't noticed,  and leapt up and ran towards it....dragging barbed wire fencing by my shoelace as the bus passengers looked on bemused. 

I untangled myself and sheepishly boarded the bus, totally humiliated and avoided looking at anyone for the trip home.

As for utterly stupid and nonsensical decisions, I have one from around the same time as my passport fiasco.

I was in a band that had just finished the biggest gig we ever had supporting a big pop act at the time. It had gone really well, I was on a bit of a high and the band in question were sound. It was earlyish days of commenting on the internet, and I went onto the local newspaper of the gig to put a comment saying who I was and that I'd had a great time. I just happened to mention that I was a bit surprised that the act had mimed on some of their songs.

Cue forward a day later and I kept getting called while I was at the cinema. I figured it was something serious, so I went outside and took the call only for it to be a furious manager saying that they were they were now threatening to blackball us as a band and that he couldn't believe how stupid I'd been.

Needless to say, I was able to undo the damage and it all blew over and it didn't ruin our potential career. That instead came not much later with the all too predictable inner-band tension and overinflated-egos doing it instead! 

[Old Frightful]

48 minutes ago, Maximus Decimus said:

As for utterly stupid and nonsensical decisions, I have one from around the same time as my passport fiasco.

I was in a band that had just finished the biggest gig we ever had supporting a big pop act at the time. It had gone really well, I was on a bit of a high and the band in question were sound. It was earlyish days of commenting on the internet, and I went onto the local newspaper of the gig to put a comment saying who I was and that I'd had a great time. I just happened to mention that I was a bit surprised that the act had mimed on some of their songs.

Cue forward a day later and I kept getting called while I was at the cinema. I figured it was something serious, so I went outside and took the call only for it to be a furious manager saying that they were they were now threatening to blackball us as a band and that he couldn't believe how stupid I'd been.

Needless to say, I was able to undo the damage and it all blew over and it didn't ruin our potential career. That instead came not much later with the all too predictable inner-band tension and overinflated-egos doing it instead! 

Oooh...I rather think you should give us a clue as to who the cheapskate mimers were...

[The Hallucinating Goose]

2 hours ago, graveyard johnny said:

you know money laundering is against the law?

Well done!

[Adelaide Tiger]

40 odd years ago - on a Thursday - as a 19 year old I went on the Works Christmas booze up at the Stanley Ferry pub near Wakefield.  Started drinking at 11am, by 5pm I was well blatherated and got a lift home.  Got home around 5.45 and went straight to bed and fell into a deep stupefied sleep.

As usual, my Mother woke me up - as she did every work day morning - by shouting upstairs 'Are you getting up it's half past six'. So still very wobbly on my feet, and feeling sick, I got up, dragged myself to the bathroom, had a wash, put my trousers, shirt and tie on, and went downstairs for my breakfast.  My mother, as usual shouted from the kitchen 'Sit down, I'll bring you something to eat'.  Bless her. So I sat down and started watching the BBC morning news with one eye closed.

My mother walked in carrying a tray. I thought 'Bl00dy hell, she's done me a fry up'.  But as she put the tray on my lap, I noticed that the plate was filled with mashed potato, veg, meat and gravy.  With my head spinning I said 'Mam, I can't eat this for breakfast'. She replied 'What do you mean, it's your tea'.  I said 'What day is it?'  She said 'Thursday'.  I looked at the clock and said 'I've only been in bed half an hour'.  She replied 'I know, but I thought you might be hungry!'.  Mothers hey, you have to love them.

[Maximus Decimus]

14 hours ago, Old Frightful said:

Oooh...I rather think you should give us a clue as to who the cheapskate mimers were...

Haha no chance.

I will say that they featured on a very very recent BBC documentary series linked to pop music....

[Padge]

Stupid is not a nice name to give to your partner, even if you are f****** her.

[sam4731]

On 09/11/2025 at 18:14, Old Frightful said:

Not quite the same but I arrived at the MKM Stadium a couple of years back and wandered to the automated turnstile armed with my match ticket. The barcode scanner appeared not to work at first and I started to feel unease. Then I heard a mechanical click so assumed I could  proceed, however, the turnstile itself was still unresponsive. I then realised that the mechanical click I heard was the adjacent turnstile. In that brief period of time, the chap behind me had approached the turnstile scanner that had refused me and presented his ticket which then opened the previously unresponsive turnstile. I thought "how marvellous", and wandered through feeling somewhat relieved as it locked behind me. As I climbed the stairs, I furtively glanced back to see my unwitting partner in crime remonstrating with the stewards as to why he couldn't get in.

I thought to myself, "I must try that again sometime "...

First game of the season a few years ago. Marched up to the turnstile brimming with anticipation only to find that I'd brought the previous season's season ticket. The worrying thing is that my wife did the same and hers worked.

[Bearman]

As I walked into work in the inspection department at Rolls Royce Aero Engines I suddenly realised that I had odd shoes on.... Easy done?

Well one was brown and the other was black.

Not only that but one was a slip on, the other was laced.

A shop full of Aero Engine inspectors and no one noticed.

One of the longest days of my life. But I got away with it.

Edited November 16 by Bearman

[Adelaide Tiger]

On Sunday I went to my daughters house as she wanted me to fix a small solar panel above the garage door and run a thin cable from the solar panel to the back of her 'Ring' door bell to keep the bell charged.  So, I unscrewed the ring door bell from the side wall, connected a new backing plate giving room for the cable to slide behind.

Then, I hopped up the ladders and started to drill a couple of holes just above the right hand side of the garage door to attach the small solar panel.  My daughter came out to see how I was getting on.  She said 'Dad, can you put the solar panel above the middle of the garage door so it's closer to the sun.'. I just replied 'The sun is about 93 million miles away.  I don't think being two yards closer will make much difference!' 

[Derwent]

Man boasted about having £30,000 he stole from ex's new partner then left it in taxi | Chronicle Live

[The Hallucinating Goose]

So, the latest thing I have done; I am a caretaker of a gym. One of the tasks I carry out is cleaning out the shower drains. This is a horrible job at the best of times.

Yesterday, I went into one of the showers to carry this task out, and as I am an old man in his 30s, I leant on the wall to make it easier to get down on my hands and knees. However I did not lean on the wall. I leant on the button that turns the shower on and so got absolutely drenched... 

[graveyard johnny]

during the summer  I said to one of the roughneck scaffolders on site (who also runs and owns a boxing gym) "you must be a big fan of Tina Turner " as I  admired the full face tattoo on the whole of his back - how was I  supposed to know it was Bob  Marley? 

Edited November 18 by graveyard johnny