HawkMan

Carrot is alone in the kitchen reading a book when Sam comes up behind him. S " hello Carrot" Carrot jumps up in surprise and reaches out and gently touches Sam on the arm. C " you're real." S " of course I'm real!" C " you're not a ghost?" S " don't be daft." C " I thought you were dead!" ( points to shoes on table) S " what...oh you've been up there have you? Do you reckon your Dad will have me back?" C " yeah of course he will" S " where is he?" C " oh crumbs!" George, shotgun crooked over arm approaches caravan about to go in when the car pulling it starts up, Fitton is at the wheel. G " just a minute" Fitton winds down the car window, F " if you're another of Sam Woodyard's lunatics, tell him one was enough." G " what did you say?!" F " this whole venture was doomed, I can see that now. One of Fitton's failures, but that's how we learn. Oh well....onwards" Fitton drives off leaving George perplexed. Back at Castle Saburac Catweazle sits , turns to Touchwood, CW "oh Touchwood wouldst that he wound me back to our own time." Catweazle looks at piece of recording tape he still has, CW " but I still have thee O foolish Sam. I command thee...speak....no..what was it the sorcerer said?" Catweazle places tape on his forehead, CW " passed the head, ( moves tape across his forehead)....passed the head....nothing. (Frustrated).Nothing works!" Cast; Catweazle.....Geoffrey Bayldon Carrot....Robin Davies George....Charlie Tingwell Sam......Neil Mccarthy Fitton.....Bernard Hepton

George Bennett is on the phone again trying to replace Sam. G " is he on the phone Bob? Oh he wouldn't be....oh you have....hang on ( opening notepad)...yeah...18 Rabbit Lane, that's off Bridge Street isn't it? Thanks Bob, anyone else?" Carrot runs into house, C" DAD DAD" G " on the phone." Carrot runs into hallway up to Dad, G " what's the matter?" C " Sam has been murdered! ( holding shoes) look at these" G " for heavens sake Carrot." C" I found them, they're his." G " I'm on the phone." C ( shouts) " he's buried in the woods." G ( phone) " I'm sorry what were you saying." C " YOU'VE JUST GOT TO BELIEVE ME!" G " please Carrot." C " SAM'S DEAD I TELL YOU." G " sorry I'll phone you back" George ends call, C " it's true I found his shoes in the caravan." G " what caravan?" C " you just gotta phone the police." G " hold it Carrot calm down" They go into living room. G " sit down Carrot, now suppose you tell me the whole thing from the beginning." C " well there was this caravan" G " where?" C " in the woods near Kingfisher lake, we...I went in and found these, and I know they're Sam's, and he's been murdered, and the man buried him." G " what man?" C (excitedly) "some sort of spy, and the place is full of radio equipment, there's a map on the wall with flags and things. Sam must have found out, that's why he left us, to run away and they've got him." G " is that it, are you finished?" C "yes Dad, you don't believe me do you?" G " no I'm not saying that, just that before we call the police I better take a look myself." Carrot gets a shotgun from a cupboard, George takes it. G " he's trespassing anyhow in that wood. You stay here, that's an order." Meanwhile Sam has finished digging the badger hide, and camouflaged it with twigs and leaves. He sits in hole, arms crossed fed up. Meanwhile Fitton is carefully explaining the tape recording machine to Catweazle. F " you see the tape goes around the head, and then when you want to wind back..." CW ( excitedly) " wind back?" F " that's all there is to it you see, shall we get on?" CW " wind back!? Will thoust wind me back?" F " as soon as we've finished." Fitton turns machine on and Sam's voice is heard. S " Hello this is Sam Woodyard speaking." Catweazle thumps machine, CW " where art thou?" F " he's on there" ( the recorder) CW " is he?" F "now for heavens sake, sit down and I'll put you on there" Catweazle leaps up in terror, CW " aaarrghhh...." Catweazle grabs tape from spool and pulls and rips tape out of machine. F " WALLY STOP IT!" Catweazle then accidentally bashes into another player, the Screech Owl is heard. CW "AAARRRGGGGHH" Catweazle runs out of caravan dragging tape with him, unravelling from the spool on Fitton's machine. F "WALLY....COME BACK...YOU LUNATIC"

In the woods Sam has a dug a hole, Fitton sits on rock reading, and then passes comment, F " needs a bit of camouflaging. I'll get the equipment, shan't be long." Fitton walks off, Sam doesn't look happy, this is no better than working at the farm. Meanwhile Carrot and Catweazle arrive at the caravan. C " what's it doing here? Are you sure it was Sam." CW " I know the clod" C " door's open....come on" CW " nay, tis a trap." C " alright I'll go" Carrot goes in as Catweazle keeps watch outside. Carrot sees the recording equipment, a map of The U.K. on the wall with red pins attached to it marking various places, and then SAM'S SHOES on the bed. C " CATWEAZLE!" Catweazle runs in holding stick, C " look they're Sams...but..but IT CAN'T BE!" They see Fitton returning through window, Carrot grabs Sam's shoes and scarpers. Catweazle not so quick, he hides in cupboard as Fitton enters. Unfortunately Touchwood starts croaking, Fitton hears this and looks around to see where the noise is coming from. More croaking as Catweazle desperately mouths at Touchwood to keep quiet. But the cupboard door is opened as Fitton stares astonished at his visitor. F " what an earth are you doing here? Come out" CW ( pleads)" spare me!" F " you haven't taken anything have you?" CW " nay" Fitton points to his beloved equipment, F "or touched any of this?" CW " nay." F " well come on man, what are you doing here?" CW ( terrified) " S..S...Sam" F ( happy) " oh, you're Wally, you've come to record, good. Come and sit down." Fitton leads Catweazle to a stool, F " your courage failed you did it? Never mind, it's quite painless." Fitton grabs a notepad, F " first I'll take a few details....now Mister...er....Mister....what's your name?" CW " Catweazle." F " Oh right, Wally Catweazle, how old are you?" Catweazle looks non plussed. F " oh you've forgotten have you, never mind. Now just tell me all about yourself." Catweazle places microphone in front of Catweazle. F " just pretends it's not there, it won't bite you." Fitton presses button on tape machine and the Screech Owl is heard. Catweazle screams, CW " aaarrghhh, will thou murder me?" F " of course not. Listen old fellow, I want to record you, don't you understand?" Catweazle shakes head, F " for posterity, you are part of an England that is gone." CW " aye tis true, long gone." F " that's better, you see I want you to take me back into the past." CW " nay Master I have tried and tried in vain."

Catweazle still fretting and agitated climbs into his water tank home, Castle Saburac, Carrot is there. CW " O Master, Master save me save me, the woods, a sorcerer, killing murdering." C " eh?" CW " fiend, terrible horrible." Catweazle kneeling and wailing, C " get up" CW " gab gabba agabba" C " calm down" CW " thy Sam is no more" C ( alarmed)" what!?" CW " the vile fiend has devoured him." Back at the farm George Bennett is on the phone, G " so I've got to find a replacement immediately Tom, any ideas?" Carrot has poured Catweazle a mug of water from the bottled supply he gives him. C " here, now tell me what happened " CW ( calmer)" a demon his house on wheels." C " house on wheels, you don't mean a caravan?" CW " then thy Sam cometh." C " go on" CW " ask me not brother " C " go on" CW " then he goeth in, and then, then" C " and then yes?" CW " the sceams brother, the dreadful screams." C " you're imagining things, who'd want to kill Sam?" In Fitton's caravan , a tape recording is playing, of bird song. F " it's all done by having patience, bags of endless patience, ( plane noise on tape). ( Shouts) AEROPLANES AEROPLANES!!" S "what?" F " I'm sorry, you see the fact is, I can't stand them. They ruined my only recording of the yellow bellied supsucker." S ( humouring)" did they?" F " I tell you what, we'll build a hide then they won't know where we are." S " what, the aeroplanes?" F " of course not, the badgers" S " but I haven't brought my boots" F " that's alright you can have Jasper's" Fitton takes a pair of boots from a cupboard, Sam takes them. F " go on, let's see if they fit." Sam puts them on, S " yes I think so." F " good, forward " Fitton thrusts a spade in Sam's hand and leaves caravan, Sam looking a bit down follows. S " more blooming digging." Back at Castle Saburac, C " just show me where it is then." CW " nay, he will kill us" C " bet you've got it all wrong anyway, you usually have....come on. Look Catweazle two magicians should be able to fix him eh?" CW " mayhap" Catweazle crouches down, CW " first, widdershins." C" eh?" CW " widdershins brother widdershins." C " what are you babbling about." CW " we need protection, has thou never heard of widdershins?" Carrot shakes head, CW "tis beyond belief." Catweazle turns anti clockwise in a circle while crouching, round and round, faster with each completed circle. This water tank they're in is not particularly stable, and as Catweazle goes round and round the whole tank shakes. Carrot clings on to support as the vibrations reach a frightening level. Thankfully Catweazle stops and falls on his back exhausted. CW " round and round the spell is wound. Now I am ready" C ( laughing) " oh yeah, you look it!" CW ( to toad)" come Touchwood my brave warrior, into battle." C " a bit small for battle isn't he?" CW " he may be small but he has a heart of a lion." # widdershins- old Scottish anticlockwise or counter to the sun's movement.

Fitton meanwhile has arrived at his caravan parked deep in the woods. He enters, not realising that Catweazle has followed. Catweazle ,tries to peer in through window, when he hears footsteps nearing. He hides at back of caravan as Sam comes up to door and knocks, Fitton replies. F " come in" Sam enters, Fitton is sitting at a worktop, the whole place is full of expensive looking machines, including recording devices, all part of Fitton's work as a naturalist and author, he's a sort of cut price David Attenborough. Fitton turns on a tape player and a loud piercing scream is heard. Catweazle outside hearing this is terrified, and runs off, CW " aaarrghhh." Inside Fitton turns off player, F " startling isn't it, that's a screech owl of course, got that in the Orkneys, took me a month, I ended up in hospital with exposure and malnutrition. Would you like to hear it again?" S " er...no I don't think so thank you Mr Fitton. I got those batteries you wanted." F " oh good good" S " I gave up my job at the farm" F " you won't regret it." S " I hope not." F " you'll love Iceland, I was there in the spring with my last assistant. That was an unfortunate business." S " what was?" F " well we were recording in a volcano, poor Jasper, I have the recording somewhere." S " I don't think I want to hear it" F "no of course not, it's not as if you even knew him." Fitton connects a microphone to his recorder and puts it in front of Sam. F " say something." S ( quietly) " hello" F " louder" S ( shouts) " HELLO" Fitton pulls off his headphones grimacing. S " sorry." F " go on" S " this is Sam Woodyard speaking." Fitton turns off tape machine, F " fine, have you found anyone for Vanishing Britain?" S " oh yeah, I had a word down the pub the other night. Old Wally said he might come up." F " is he an Octogenarian?" S " er..no I think he's a methodist." F " no no" S " he knows lots of songs and jokes though" F " oh no, it's folk lore I'm after." S " is it?" F " yes, you see many old people are positive treasure houses of folk material." S " are they?" F " yes, never mind, anyway where did you say those badgers were?"

S1 E10 - HOUSE OF THE SORCERER Catweazle is in the woods near his Castle Saburac water tank home. He is looking for Touchwood his toad, when he sees a strange sight, strange to him. Naturalist Professor Fitton is crouching down in the woods, tape recorder slung over his shoulder, and a high tech ( for 1970) microphone attached. In front of him on the ground is Touchwood, and Fitton is attempting to record croaking. Unfortunately Touchwood is not obliging and silently sits there. Catweazle moves closer and sees this , he is anguished, what is happening to Touchwood? C( whispers) " Touchwood " Fitton can't hear as he is wearing headphones, and realising that the toad isn't playing ball ,he walks off. Catweazle picks up Touchwood, strokes it, agitated at whatever Fitton was doing. He decides to follow Fitton through the woods. Meanwhile at Hexwood Farm, Sam the hired hand is having an awkward conversation with George Bennett, the boss. G "but why Sam?" S " I need a change I reckon." G " a change? You've been with me for 12 years" S " I know boss, I think that's the trouble." G "I thought you liked working here." S " I do, at least I did, you see Mr Bennett I've never done anything, been anywhere." G " why suddenly now?" S " well, I ain't never really been cut out for farming." G " I've never heard anything so stupid." S " what d'you mean stupid?" G " you've been in farming all your life " S ( raising voice) " I'm stupid am I?!" G " I didn't say that." The shouting starts from both of them. S " YES YOU DID I HEARD YOU" G " I ONLY MEANT" S " I WOULD BE STUPID IF I STOPPED HERE, BECAUSE THERE'S NO FUTURE IN IT." G " ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RUN THIS FARM!" S " I DIDN'T SAY THAT" G " WHEN I WANT YOUR OPINION..." S " YOU DON'T EVER PAY ATTENTION" G " CONTROL YOURSELF " S " DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" G " ALRIGHT WOODYARD YOU'RE FIRED" S " NO I'M NOT I'M GIVING IN MY NOTICE" Carrot has heard all this and is staring dumbfounded at this. S " goodbye Carrot." Sam storms out, C " Dad, what happened?" G " KEEP OUT OF THIS." Carrot turns to his tortoise Beelzeebub, C" what's got into them Be-elzy."

Coote shows Carrot and George in, G " thank you Miss Coote" The music blares out, Up " George, Edward, good of you to come. Wheeler's out" G " out?" Up " in there, out cold, very good year the 59." G "it must be" C " can I see the monkey then?" Up " he's in there as well, still if you creep in I don't suppose Wheeler will wake up." Carrot goes into conservatory and into cage looking for monkey, he then hears snoring, turns to see Catweazle. C " Catweazle? What are you doing here?" Catweazle awakes , sees Carrot inside cage, CW ( delighted) " thou has changed, thou has changed!" C ( looking down at his suit) I thought I better change. Why are you dressed like that for?" CW " ask me not." C " where's the monkey?" CW " thou mean the sorcerer?" C " you haven't let it out have you, he'll murder you." CW " MURDER?!" Carrot unhooks the hanger with the robe on it and hands it to Catweazle. C " you better get going quickly" Carrot bundles him out pronto. Upshaw to George, Up " want to see Wheeler?" G " yes okay." They go in , see Carrot, but no Catweazle or monkey in cage. Up " where's Wheeler, where's Boy?" The phone rings, Upshaw answers it, Up " Upshaw here, what..( doorbell rings) COOTE!......I see...I understand yes..goodbye. ( puts down phone) That was Wheeler, can't come, lost in Guildford" G " then who was?..." Up " no idea old chap." Sam comes in holding Boy, S " here we are Sir" Up " Boy!" S " he was sitting on your gatepost, little blighter bit my ear." Up " Edward, want to hold him?" C " yes please " Carrot takes hold of Boy, as it climbs onto his shoulder, everyone laughs. Back at Castle Saburac Carrot is tieing up the clothes Catweazle had on at Upshaw's into a bundle. C " I'll leave them at the doorstep" CW ( sorrowful) " I will never seek other magicians" C " he's bound to find them there." CW " I will not enchant thee again, or steal thy hens." C ( laughing) " and no more monkey business." Cast; Catweazle.....Geoffrey Bayldon Carrot......Robin Davies George.....Charles Tingwell Sam......Neil McCarthy Upshaw.....Peter Butterworth Coote......Dorothy Frere

At Hexwood Carrot is showing his Dad his collection of Nathaniel Wheeler books. C " then he walked across the Gobi Desert, that's this one , Round In Circles." George looks at book, G " fantastic " C" the only one I haven't got is Drums Across Africa, but that's out of print." G " I had no idea you were such a fan" C " it's good isn't it, you can borrow it if you like." The phone rings, George goes into hallway to answer it. G " Hexwood Farm, George Bennett here." Up " George call off the hunt, Boy's back....no I didn't find him Wheeler did, extraordinary chap quite different to what I imagined. See you later George. " Upshaw returns to dining room, Catweazle has armed himself with a knife in one hand and a silver soup tureen lid in the other. CW " GAB GABBA AGABBA." Up " what's that?" Catweazle leaps nimbly onto table, CW " SHEMPAMPERASH!" He bangs knife against lid, as if they are sword and shield. Up " I'm afraid I only speak Swahili old chap. CW ( jumping off table) " release boy" Up " that's enough, Boy's alright where he is." CW " RELEASE HIM! " Up " a joke's a joke, put that thing down my dear fellow." CW " thou sorcerer thou pig's bladder." Catweazle looks pretty fierce as he advances towards Upshaw who backs away panicking and shouting, Up " COOTE COOTE! WHEELER'S RUN AMOK" CW " call the witch, thou has no power over me" Up " you've been pushing the boat out a little far old man" Coote runs in, Up " TACKLE HIM COOTE, BRING HIM DOWN!" Catweazle turns to face her, then drunkenly sways, CW " the walls spin ! I am bewitched" He collapses across settee out to the world. At Hexwood Carrot is dressed in a suit as is George, G" 6 o'clock, ready? Got your autograph book?" C " yes" Sam comes in, S " ready Mr Bennett " G " thank you Sam." Catweazle is asleep in the conservatory, Coote creeps in holding his robe on a hanger, she looks for somewhere to hang the smelly thing, goes to cage, and foolishly opens door slightly to hook hanger over door frame, she leaves, and Boy gets out again and scampers off. Coote goes back to Upshaw, Ct " he's still sleeping." Up " just as well, kept going on about wanting to shoot Boy, couldn't make it out Coote." Ct " seems very unbalanced to me." Up " Africa does that to a man you know." The doorbell rings, Coote runs off, and Upshaw apparently not affected by Africa, or so he'd say, turns on his turntable to listen to marching music, then proceeds to march around the room saluting to no one in particular.

Upshaw goes into conservatory, by the window is a tap, he attaches hosepipe to it, picks up yellow bucket, turns tap on, water running into bucket, and carefully goes over to one of his many beloved plants. Up " there you are ladies, here's your drink my dears." Catweazle climbs through window into conservatory, holding box containing Boy. He sees tap, and thinks, what does this do? He turns tap off, in turn Upshaw at plants is puzzled, where's the water gone. He stares down barrel of hose to see if its blocked, unfortunately Catweazle turns tap back on. Up ( getting drenched) " COOTE! COOTE! STOP IT." Upshaw runs to tap and turns it off spraying water everywhere, including drenching Catweazle. Up " what an earth d'you think you're doing?" CW " I am Catweazle." Upshaw wiping his face with a hanky not really listening, Up " you're Nat Wheeler, my dear chap, you're soaking absolutely soaking. Didn't know it was you, no idea, don't look like your photograph. Wasn't expecting you till later. ( bellows) COOTE COOTE, must find you something to change into." CW " change into!?" Coote runs in and gasps at the sight of Catweazle, Up " ah Coote lay another place, Mr Wheeler has arrived." At the dining table at Hexwood, C " please Dad" G " alright you can come, we'll you've done a pretty good job at cleaning the place up." C " have you read any of his books?" G " whose books?" C " Nathaniel Wheeler." Carrot gets a book from the sideboard and shows George who reads the title. G " Up The Congo" At Upshaw's, Colonel Upshaw is leading Catweazle into dining room, Catweazle wearing white shirt and trousers and a black jacket. Up " this way, yes as I was saying , an extraordinary thing, the next day the chief ate him for breakfast." Coote has laid out table for lunch, Up " ah good, by golly I'm hungry." Catweazle presents Upshaw with his cardboard box. Up " for me? You shouldn't have." CW " take him" Up " him?" Upshaw looks in box, then absolutely ecstatic, Up " IT'S BOY! IT'S BOY" CW " tis the boy indeed" Up " how did you find him?" CW " with a mandrake root." Up " a mandrake? I always use bananas" CW " end his misery" Up" eh?" Upshaw picks up Boy and puts him in cage, the monkey starts scampering about cage. CW " I know thou canst, thou has the power. ( points to shotgun propped against wall) boom boom." Up " there's absolutely nothing wrong with him" Catweazle stares in at cage, sad as Boy leaps around, poor Carrot! Up " what makes you think he's not feeling himself? Well come along sit down old chap. Well this is a happy occasion, now to the business of the day." Catweazle sits at table Upshaw pours two glasses of wine, Up " there you are, you'll enjoy this, won't we all, well skin off your nose." Catweazle touches his nose, satisfied no skin has fallen off, Upshaw sniffs at wine in glass. Up " Château Margot '59" CW " Château Margot '59" Up " yes indeed" Upshaw sips at his, Catweazle downs his in one go, then offers glass indicating he'd like some more. Up " er yes, I can see you appreciate it." Upshaw pours another glass, Catweazle downs this too, and wants a third glass, Upshaw reluctantly pours, Up ( not too pleased) " make yourself at home." Catweazle downs this too, Up ( to himself) " been abroad a long time."

In Castle Saburac Catweazle is busy drawing a pentagram on a large piece of paper. He senses something wrong, he turns and sees the monkey! At first afraid, CW " SHEMPAMPERASH! AVORT THY GOBLIN! What kind of devil art thou?" The monkey, Boy, picks up one of Catweazle's bananas and unpeels it, CW ( realising) " art thou....art thou...Touchwood see how strong was my spell, it is our brother!" Catweazle picks up Boy, laughing now, CW "aha aha, canst thou speak? ,I warned thee of my power you disbelieving driblet. Thou are a strange beast, but thy still has thy old look, you are but half changed, a demi devil." Catweazle lets Boy clamber onto his shoulder. CW " mock me now thy hairy thing, haha, be good to me and I'll change thee back." Carrot meanwhile is doing a good job at clearing the kitchen mess. Catweazle is once again at his fire, holding the mandrake root, now unwinding the witchladder reed saying, CW " as these knots now thee unbind be now once more humankind. Change now thy shape." He looks at monkey, no change of course. CW " change thy shape " Still nothing, Catweazle picks up Boy, CW ( desperately) " change thy shape...nothing works.!" Carrot has just about finished, the kitchen and dining room looks clean and tidy. Catweazle has placed Boy in a cardboard box and tied it with string. CW " canst thou breathe my brother? Fear not thou will be changed, come, guard well Touchwood, I take thee to a great magician, he makes thunder with a magic stick, he will change thee." Upshaw arrives home, a mansion, he enters the drawing room, next to which is a conservatory full of tall potted plants, mostly exotic. The walls dotted with heads of stuffed animals, beasts, the treasures of a big game African hunter/explorer now retired. Up ( bellows) " COOTE...COOTE....COOTE. " A middle-aged lady runs in, the housekeeper, rather timid. Ct " Colonel?" Up " where's my lunch?" Ct " been arranging the flowers for our visitor" Up " can't eat flowers Coote." Ct " well I thought..." Up " ah don't think Coote, mustn't think, lunch at thirteen hundred hours, now ten past." Ct " oh dear, I'll bring it directly." Up " AT THE DOUBLE COOTE!!" Upshaw used to barking out orders military style and Coote meekly accepts this. Perhaps he pays her well !! Coote brings in lunch on a tray, passing the cage where Boy usually is kept. The cage is large, so the monkey has a good run to play in, about 6 feet square. Ct" oh, you didn't find him?" Up " no Boy's gone this time, no sign of the little chap" Ct " he's answered the call of the wild Colonel." Up " call of the wild? Don't be ridiculous, he was born in Harrods. Oh by the way I've asked Bennett to bring his youngster over this evening thought he'd like to meet Wheeler." Ct ( smiles)" oh well, I'll make some cakes." Upshaw looks towards plants in conservatory, Up " Coote have you watered?" Ct " oh no.." Up "not good enough Coote not good enough. Watering twelve thirty hundred hours, look at Fagus Sylvatica, parched positively parched Coote" Ct " shall I?" Up " no no fall out! I'll do it take my mind off Boy".

Back at Hexwood Sam and George still washing up, S " I think he gets a bit bored on these long holidays, he'll be alright when he gets back to school." G "it's time he started pulling his weight" Sam holds a dried plate, S " where shall I put.....( then drops it, smashing it). G " just dry them Sam, I'll put them away. S " all the same, I reckon he's a bit lonely." G " that's his fault, doesn't have to spend all this time alone." Colonel Upshaw enters, still carrying shotgun. Up " George" G " morning Sir" Up" Woodyard" S " morning Colonel Upshaw." Up " awfully sorry to burst in like this, bit of a crisis what." G " what's wrong?" Up " dusting my rhinoceros when it happened." S " eh?!" Up " quick as a flash, must find him." S " who?" Up " boy" G " boy?" Up " Boy, my monkey." In Castle Saburac Catweazle is by a fire, reading from his magic spells book, CW " take thee a mandrake, bind the root with a witchladder" He picks up a mandrake root, and a witchladder , a long thin plant reed, and twists reed around mandrake root. CW ( reading) " saying the while....Rapkyn thy writing is a poor scrawl....saying the while, a hog, a dog, a bat, a cat, a mole, a vole, a pig and a rat, as these knots bind thee tight, be thy now the one I spite. Change thou thy shape." Outside in the woods nearby is Colonel Upshaw's lost monkey, Boy, eating a banana skin that Catweazle discarded. The monkey is dressed in a blue top and blue jeans! Oh dear... Colonel Upshaw has been served tea by George, he chats with Sam too as he drinks. S " you don't suppose that fox could have got him?" Up "no, too quick, runs like a monkey, ha ha, is a monkey. I thought he might have come down this way you see. Little beggar always running off, dashed annoying." G " yes it is isn't it" Up " would have to happen when I've got Wheeler coming down" G " Wheeler?" Up " Wheeler, Nathaniel Wheeler, you know the explorer chap. Funny thing, All those years in Africa and our paths never crossed. Mind you big place." G " yes it is" Up " what is?" G "Africa, big place" Up " you don't have to tell me that George I know, good heavens. Wheeler and I wrote for many years, I'm a great admirer, never thought he'd come down to see me. Where was I?" G " your monkey " Up " my monkey? What are you on about, oh my monkey! By George you're right, hang on a minute." Upshaw takes three bananas out of his raincoat pocket, hands one each to George and Sam, Up " bait". Carrot walks in from kitchen back door, Up " have you seen him?" C ," who?" Up " my monkey." C "no" G " come here, where have you been?" Carrot slinks over to George, Upshaw goes to leave, Up " oh George don't be late tonight, by the way bring Edward " G " I don't think...." Up " yes of course, Nathaniel Wheeler's coming Edward." Up " ready Woodyard?" S " yes Sir" Up " come along then." Upshaw and Sam armed with bananas look for Boy. C ( excitedly) " Nathaniel Wheeler fantastic." G " listen Carrot " C " he's the explorer I've read all his..." G ( sternly) " I know who he is, I also know you are becoming bone idle. Sam and I can't be expected to do all the housework, get this place cleaned up." C " can't I come and look for the monkey?" G " NO" George leaves ,Carrot dejectedly goes over to the sink to clear up.

In Castle Saburac Carrot awaits Catweazle's return, he looks annoyed, checking his watch, he turns to Touchwood the toad. C" what's he playing at Touchwood?" A couple of chickens are here in the water tank too. A noise, Catweazle climbs down into tank, sees Carrot and starts climbing back up. C" come here....come on. Where have you been?" CW " thou are a prying ferret." C " and you're a thieving layabout, what about these chickens" CW " er....I found them" C" don't you understand about stealing Catweazle, you'd pinch one of our cows if you could get it up here." Catweazle goes up to chickens, CW " idle birds make me an egg." C "I help you as much as I can, look at all the bananas you've had" CW " tis true, tis true, but what of thy magic?" C" how many times do I have to tell you, it's not magic, it's science " CW ( angry) " men fly through the air and tis not magic!? Thou think me a fool. I WANT THE ELECTRICKERY!" C" well you can't have it" CW " I will blast thee" C( in yokel accent) " go on, blast away." CW " I WILL TURN YOU INTO A SLUG!" C " oh don't start" Carrot starts climbing up ladder and out. CW " oh you shall SUFFER" C " so will you if I catch you pinching again, I'll turn you in" CW " into what?" C" not into anything, just in." Carrot goes as Catweazle shouts after him, CW " SPIDER'S SPITTLE, I will confound thee."

S1 E9 - THE DEMI DEVIL Catweazle is in the woods hiding behind a tree, spying a strange sight. A middle-aged man, in a raincoat carrying a shotgun stops in a clearing, checks that nobody is around, then fires into the air. The man, Colonel Upshaw, then walks off, leaving Catweazle clutching his ears, and wailing, he's gone temporarily deaf, the result of the loud gunshot, panicking he runs off. Meantime at Hexwood farm, George Bennett enters kitchen, G " Carrot?" He goes into dining room to see breakfast crockery and cereal box still on table, in kitchen the sink is piled high with dirty plates and cups. G " Carrot?" Sam comes in, S " you called Boss?" G " seen Carrot?" S " no" G " look at this, he hasn't even cleared the breakfast things away." S " ought to wash up as you go, my mother says." G ( sigh) " does she?" S " afraid that clutch has had it Mr Bennett, I can't get the parts till tomorrow." G " I'm supposed to drive over to see the Colonel this evening." S " tell you what I could take you in my car" G " well...er thank you Sam" Riding in Sam's old banger not filling George with enthusiasm. He throws a tea towel in Sam's direction. G" here you dry I'll wash." They start the washing up. S " that fox is around, taken another couple of chickens."

Sam and George arrive back at the shop, jeep parked outside shop. Inside Catweazle is in his onesie staring at the mirror. Carrot sees the others coming in and quickly opens an empty basket. C " get in quick" Catweazle climbs in as George and Sam enter, G " there you are" S " hello Carrot" C " Dad , Sam" G " weren't you supposed to be numbering all the seats?" C " I'm minding the phone for Mr Milton" G " well where's he gone? They're screaming for the rest of the costumes" Sam tries to pick up the basket with Catweazle inside it. S " I think they got suits of armour in this one" George points to another basket, G " yes, well let's get this one out of the way first." S " right" They lift the basket and carry it out to vehicle. Carrot opens basket, C " out you come " CW " nay" C " you've got to, they'll be back in a second they'll take this." CW " I care not" C " well I do" Carrot heaves him out, CW " where is Adamcos?" Carrot opens the sarcophagus and pushes Catweazle inside, as George and Sam return. Sam goes over to the basket Catweazle just got out of expecting it to be heavy. S " ready boss?" G " yes, ....lift" The basket, light as anything almost hurtles out of their hands. George opens it, G " it's empty!" S " b..b..but" George points to one remaining basket, G " just this one then." Sam still puzzled at what just happened picks up his end and they carry it out. G " now when Mr Milton gets back Carrot you come over to Westbourne House." C " yes Dad." After they've gone Carrot goes up to Sarcophagus, C " you can come out now" CW ( faint from inside) " I can't" C " well push you idiot " CW " I am pushing." C " you have to speak up" CW " I'm pushing Nettleface, it will not open" C" hang on" CW " it will not open bugweed" Catweazle pushes more and the whole sarcophagus topples over onto its back. At that point Mr Milton comes back in M " what's been happening?" Carrot sees what's around his neck, C" ADAMCOS " M " come again?" Behind Carrot the sarcophagus lid opens with a creak, Catweazle steps out in his white onesie like a mummy, Milton faints. Carrot takes Adamcos from around his neck as he lies on shop floor. C" YOU'RE SAVED YOU'RE SAVED! CW ( jubilant) " ADAMCOS ADAMCOS HA HA" Catweazle collects his robe and runs out into street. Milton comes round, M " did you see it?" C " what?" M " the thing, the thing from the tomb" C " I think you've been overworking Mr Milton." Milton stares shocked but otherwise okay. Back at Castle Saburac Catweazle and Carrot by a fire as night falls. CW " I do thank thee my brother" C " that's alright I said we'd get it back." CW " nay it is not Adamcos I thank thee for, but my new raiment , the...er...johns" C " well I said you needed something warm." CW " truly thy are my brother in magic" C ( gushing) " ah..shut up, have a banana." Carrot takes two bananas out of his pocket and hands one to Catweazle, merrily they eat. Cast; Catweazle.....Geoffrey Bayldon Carrot.....Robin Davies George......Bud Tingwell Sam.....Neil McCarthy Milton.....Aubrey Morris

In Westbourne George has arrived at Leslie Milton antiques shop. As George enters Milton is on phone, he is responsible for the costumes for the pageant. M ( phone) " no love, I'm in a terrible tizz, it's the dress rehearsal for Robin......Hood you fool, look I can't sit here chatting any longer I'll see you next Tuesday, bye" Milton can be described as " artistic", "flowery" or in other words effeminate. M ( to George) " and I said last year I'd never do it again. 45 costumes Mr Bennett, well it's ludicrous isn't it. Have you been up there yet?" G " just dropped Sam and the others, I must say it looks pretty chaotic, but I'm sure they'll sort it out eventually. How are you getting on?" M " I finished the last one at 3 o'clock this morning, except for bits and bobs and poppers...I'm dead." Milton picks up a costume, a dress and holds it against George's front. M " hold this a sec" There's a free standing wooden framed mirror in the shop, they both look at George's reflection, holding the dress. M " what d'you think?" G " who's this for?" M " Mrs Thomas....Maid Marion, she's got a nerve, she had 8 fittings, I thought I'd go berserk." G " Sam is wearing his already." M " well I told the soldiers to come dressed, I mean 30 men dressing in that tent would be like the black hole of Calcutta." G " very wise" M ( laughing) " hey, do you remember last year, Carmen, I didn't know where to look." George laughs and brings out of his pocket Adamcos. G " got something to show you" M " oh yes, where d'you get that?" G " found it, is it worth anything d'you think?" M " I wouldn't know, I'm more China and glass, shouldn't think so, why d'you want to sell it?" G " erm..no you can have it" M "oh how kind" G " it's just that I wouldn't want Carrot to get hold of a thing like that." M " oh, I've still got that decanter you wanted" G " well I can't really afford it right now." M " never mind , ( points) I'll keep it hidden behind there. Milton is pointing to an Egyptian sarcophagus standing upright in the shop. M " bought it in a moment of madness, never be able to get rid of it, gives me the creeps." The phone rings, M " yes....I sent one lot up an hour ago...no Friar Tuck's got his own sandals...yes as soon as I can, bye. Are you busy Mr B?" G " well I...." M " be ever so grateful if you could give me a hand packing these." There's a huge pile of costumes ready to go into wicker baskets, George starts putting them in. Carrot and Catweazle after failing to get a lift in a car, Catweazle standing with Carrot thumbing a lift put drivers off, the two slowly walk down a country lane towards Westbourne. C" Dad must have taken it there, Mr Milton is the antique dealer, it's the obvious place" CW " I die if we find it not." C " I'll never forgive you if you do." Back at the shop, another basket ready full of costumes. M "there, that's another one ready to go." G ( checking watch) " so must I " M " oo, I'm awful aren't I, have I held you up?" G " no, but I think I better get back to see if the Chairman's arrived, cheerio Leslie " M " cheerio Mr B, thanks for the old dagger." George leaves, Milton a puzzled look as he scans shop, M " now where did I put that wimple?" George drives off and Catweazle and Carrot watch him go then walk to shop door, and see a " closed" sign. C " it's closed." CW " Adamcos lies within?" C " if Dad's sold it , it must be" CW ( points at sign) " tis a spell?" C " no it just means that we can't get in." CW " mayhap a word of power?" C " what we need is a key." CW ( raises arms) " o door, yield unto me" C ( laughing) " fine burglar you'd make." CW " taunt me not Nettleface." C " look Catweazle don't you understand....." Carrot leans on door, it opens, C " how did you do that!?" Catweazle just grins, they enter shop. C " now whatever you do, keep quiet." Catweazle follows Carrot into shop full of antiques and other oddments, he is alarmed at seeing a large stuffed Heron, he backs away and almost knocks a vase over. C " don't break anything" Footsteps are heard, Carrot quickly hides Catweazle, has him crouching down behind one of the wicker baskets. Mr Milton comes in from back room, clutching a ledger to his chest. M " hello there Carrot." C " hello Mr Milton." M " you just missed your Dad." C " I thought you were closed." M " I put the sign up to discourage customers, I've been so busy with all this you see. Would you like to help?" C " er yes" M " ever so grateful if you could stay and mind the phone. I've got one go out and get a few bits " C " yes I'd be glad to." M " thanks ever so much, back soon." Milton leaves shop, now carries his ledger under arm, revealing Adamcos, around his neck. Catweazle comes put of hiding, CW " where is Adamcos?" C " give us a chance" Catweazle suddenly sees himself in mirror , CW" my death draweth near, see" C" no you fool, it's you, it's a mirror." CW " I?" Catweazle studies his reflection, curious, touches mirror, pulls a face, looks behind mirror puzzled, he can't understand it, then drops to his knees. C " what's the matter?" CW " I tell you there's ice in my bones" C" don't be beaten, we've hours to find Adamcos." Carrot picks up a white onesie type undergarment on sale here, C" here, this will take the ice out of your bones." CW " aaarrghhh, a skin man" C " what, with buttons? It's okay Mr Milton won't mind, I'll pay for it later."

Carrot and Catweazle run into house into kitchen. Catweazle looks in sink. C " it won't be there" They go into sitting room and start searching, on the mantelpiece, on the settee, Carrot runs out into hall. Catweazle takes Touchwood out of his pocket. CW "come Touchwood lead me to Adamcos." Catweazle turns in a circle , suddenly Touchwood starts croaking, CW " ah, thou noble beast." More croaking, and it's getting louder as Catweazle moved towards sideboard, and louder still as Catweazle reaches sideboard. On top of sideboard is an ornament, a bronze toad! CW " thou lovesick loon!" Carrot comes back in, C" no its nowhere out there." Catweazle falls to his knees, CW "oh what is to become of me" C " don't start that again, you only think you're ill." CW " maggot!" C " there's nothing wrong with you, GET UP!" CW " already my blood turns to ice." C" have some brandy." Carrot gets a bottle out of cupboard and pours a full glass for Catweazle. CW " tis a magic potion?" C " oh yes...drink it down fast, it'll warm you up" Catweazle downs it, then grasps his neck, CW " aaarrghhh.....ooohhh.." C " don't make such a fuss." CW " I BURN I BURN." C " told you it'd do the trick." CW " thou white legged worm" C " that's more like it " CW " bow legged beetle." C " anything else?" CW " thou trash mongering double tongued swaggering hoofsnuff " C( laughing) " ten out of ten, feeling better now?" Catweazle still anguished, CW " where is Adamcos?" C " wish I knew" CW " I am doomed." C" have some more brandy." CW " you are a demon sent from hell to plague me" C ( a bit hurt) " no I'm not, look can't you see I'm only trying to help you. Can't you see that?" Catweazle acknowledges it with a nod, C " we'll get Adamcos back I promise." CW " before sunset?" C " oh where's he put it? C'mon Catweazle you're meant to be the magician." CW " I know not" C " maybe we're wasting our time." CW " what sayest thou? C " maybe it isn't here at all." CW " NOT HERE!?" C "perhaps Dad's taken it with him to Westbourne." CW " then we must follow him." C " but he wouldn't do that unless...." CW " unless?" C " unless he's going to sell it!"

Carrot arrives at Castle Saburac and sees Catweazle climbing down into it. Catweazle inside takes telephone receiver from robe pocket, CW " cursed telling bone thou has brought Normans to torment me." He throws receiver away in disgust, then hears Carrot climbing up ladder, CW " someone comes, tis the boy, hurry Nettleface lest the Normans see thee " Carrot is puzzled as he climbs into tank. C" what d'you say?" CW " they are all around us " C " who are?" CW " the Normans, thy telling bone has conjured them." C " don't start that again, listen Catweazle for once and for all, you're in the 20th century." CW " but I saw Normans I swear it." C " you couldn't have" CW " I swear it by Adamcos." Catweazle reaches for his knife, but it's gone. He wails and simpers, C " what's wrong?" CW " Adamcos it's gone!!" C " you probably dropped it somewhere." CW ( anguished) "does thou not know, does thou not understand, without Adamcos I shall die!" C " what?!" CW " it holds the power of life, already my blood turns cold." C" that's because you haven't enough on." CW " by sunset I shall be no more." C "never heard anything so daft. Where did you have it last?" CW " where I saw Normans." C " alright c'mon let's go and find it." CW " what about the Normans?" C " if you say that word once more I'll crown you." CW ( amused) " crown me?" Carrot climbs up ladder to hatch, C "come on." Sam and his mates have given up on the car. S " let's get her off the road, c'mon push." Carrot and Catweazle are searching the woods where Catweazle thinks he dropped Adamcos. C " sure it's here?" CW " aye brother." They hear voices and run towards them, and see Sam and mates pushing car. C" they're not Normans, can't you see, look it's Sam. They're rehearsing for the show." CW " show?" C" Westbourne Through The Ages, it's an historical pageant, they do it every year for the hospital. Dad's on the committee and..." Carrot suddenly sees Adamcos lying on the grass, they move towards it, but then see George Bennett, Carrot's dad walking on the path towards them, they hide behind bushes. George stops, sees knife and picks it up and heads towards Sam. CW " Adamcos, I shall die." C " sssshhhh" CW " I'm cold, I am undone." Sam sees George, S "hello Boss." G " I thought it was you, what's the trouble?" S " she's packed up altogether, don't know what's the matter with her." G " died of old age probably." Andrew and Frank giggle, G " you better walk back to the farm with me and I'll run you into Westbourne." S " thanks very much." G " Carrot's supposed to go and number all the seats. You haven't seen him I suppose?" S " no I haven't." George takes Adamcos out of his pocket, G " oh does this belong to any of you?" S " not mine." G " I found it on the path, wonder how it got there. Funny looking thing, you know that might be quite valuable." Carrot and Catweazle come out of the bushes and quietly follow everyone back to the farm. At the farm yard Sam, Andrew and Frank all in Norman armour get in the jeep. George quickly goes into the house. Carrot and Catweazle hide behind barn, C " soon as they've gone we'll pop in and get it, said it'll be easy." George comes out, G " well he's not in the house, never known such a boy for disappearing." S " he might be already there." G " that'll be too much to hope for." George gets behind wheel, and the jeep drives off.

S1 E8- THE POWER OF ADAMCOS Catweazle is in the woods, crouching down sharpening his knife Adamcos on a stone,satisfied he stands. CW " now Adamcos even thistledown will fall to thy blade." He puts blade back in its sheath around his neck. Then picks up a telephone receiver he acquired recently at the local vicarage (ep 7), he cut the cable not of course understanding how it works. CW " oh great Mother Tannit, I invoke thee, come magic telling bone summon the voices" He puts receiver up to ear. CW " are you there spirits, are you there. Nothing works.....spirits I charge thee, speak to Catweazle Master of the secret path." Suddenly he hears a male voice, Voice "thou shall die Norman dog." Catweazle spins round, the voice is coming from a little way away in the woods. He runs and stops in amazement , two armoured soldiers are sword fighting, an ancient Brit and a Norman. Catweazle flees in terror, not noticing Adamcos has fallen from his neck. The soldiers stop, Andrew, " easy Fred you almost had my fingers then." F " I'm sorry." A few yards behind them is Hexwood farmhand Sam at his vintage car. S " stop fooling around, come over here and give us a hand." A " what's wrong then?" S " can't work it out" F " we're going to be late for the rehearsal." Catweazle has arrived back in the clearing where his water tank home Castle Saburac is located. CW (anguished) " my brain burns! Where am I? The past and present are one " Andrew is using the crank handle trying to get Sam's vintage car going, S " no I reckon she's had it." A " what are we going to do?" S " walk I suppose." A " what! Five miles!"

Hope you read the thread and enjoy it, 7 episodes down 19 to go. I love it, obviously not for the same reason as when I first watched it, but because of the writing and humour, and the way our complicated tech is described by Catweazle in his own terms.

Carrot hides Catweazle on floor of car at the back covered with a blanket. Ct " stay there, and stay quiet " Sam returns, S " where's mother?" Ct " she woke up and wanted to know where you were" S " what did you tell her?" Ct " the vicarage " S " why did you want to tell her that for" Ct " sounds better than the pub" Mrs Woodyard returns, Mrs W " what have you been up to?" S " nothing mother " Mrs W " somebody is telling lies, I haven't got to the bottom of it yet but I will." Carrot knows his father will be here soon so, Ct " can we go back a different way?" S " good idea Carrot, fingers crossed " Ct " they're crossed " The car starts up okay. A few minutes after they've gone, George Bennett arrives in his jeep, Potts returns to front door puzzled, no Mrs Woodyard, and no Catweazle inside either. George comes up path. VP " he's gone" G " the man you phoned me about " VP " oh you're Bennett, yes, he just vanished, do come in" They go into main room, G " what was he like?" VP " peculiar very peculiar, quite mad, mad as a march hare. I wonder if this woman was part of a plot to get me out of the vicarage...( shocked)....the monthly offering " G " vicar if you could explain what you're on about " VP " of course that's why she came, to give him an opportunity to make his getaway " Potts opens the safe, even more puzzled, VP " no...everything seems to be intact...we must call the police " He goes to pick up phone, no receiver, just the cord. VP " he's taken it with him" Sam's car didn't make it back , it's broken down, Sam is underneath making repairs, Mrs Woodyard asleep again, Carrot opens door quietly and ushers Catweazle out. Catweazle runs off into woods. S( voice from under car) " this run seems to have done you some good Carrot " Ct " it has?" S " you seem back to your old self" Catweazle arrives at a clearing in woods, takes out phone receiver and stares in wonder, then off to home, up ladder and climbs down into Castle Saburac his water tank home, he sits contemplating recent events, Touchwood his toad next to him on a crate. C " ah Touchwood it's hard to learn all the mysteries, I went sideways not back....mayhap one day we shall return to our own time " He takes telephone receiver, places it on ear. C " come telling bone whisper to me all the magic of this strange time. Are you there spirits....are you there?" THE END

Sam and Carrot arrive at the church, Mrs Woodyard still asleep. Sam and Carrot talk quietly, S " how long you going to be Carrot?" Ct " about ten minutes, why don't you go to the pub" S " sounds like a good idea, I'll see you back here" Sam leaves, Carrot sees the gardener Wilkins. Ct " which way to the vicarage?" W " straight up the path to your right" Ct " thanks " Carrot runs up path to vicarage, then decides to quietly sneak around to side of house, spying through a window he sees Catweazle and Potts ( vicar) in animated conversation. Carrot runs back to car and wakes up Mrs Woodyard. Ct " Mrs Woodyard Mrs Woodyard" Mrs W ( wakes) " what's the matter " Ct " where's Sam?" Mrs W " why, isn't he with you" Ct " I thought he'd be back by now" Mrs W " why , where's he gone" Ct " the vicarage " Mrs W " what's he gone there for?" Ct " don't know...said he had to see the vicar to arrange things " Mrs W " WHAT...MY SAM..did he have a young woman with him?" Ct " don't know, didn't see one" Mrs W " I'll put a stop to this " Mrs Woodyard marches determinedly up to vicarage, Carrot waits then runs back to side of house to see Catweazle and Potts arguing. C " give me the secret of the telling bone thy simpering sagpot " VP " you're getting worked up again " C " thy black beehive!" The doorbell rings, Potts quickly runs out locking Catweazle in. Catweazle alone now picks up telephone receiver, C " now the telling bone is mine" With his witch knife he cuts cord and hides receiver in robe. Potts opens front door to see Mrs Woodyard VP " hello " Mrs W " vicar, where is Sam" VP " oh that's his name, in my study getting very excited you know " Mrs W " is he indeed" VP " I've had a terrible time with him" Mrs W " he didn't tell me he was going to do it" VP " they never do you know, not when they really mean it " Mrs W " but he could have told me, I would have understood, I am his mother " VP " yes....WHAT!!" Carrot goes over to the window and raps on the glass, Catweazle comes over. Ct (points) " lift it up, the window,...there " Catweazle hasn't a clue, Carrot makes a lifting gesture with hands, Catweazle flaps arms. Ct " no..no..hold that sill ....now lift up" Catweazle does this the window raises, Catweazle climbs out. Ct " come on.." Meanwhile, Mrs W " he's mad you say" VP " great scott....." Mrs W " what's the matter?" VP " I've locked him in there with Shirley Temple " The vicar runs back in, Mrs Woodyard can't make head nor tail of this and heads back to car

A little while later Sam stops at a cottage, his home, his mother opens front door. Mrs W" where are you off to?" S " Bandon mother" Mrs W " what for?" S " taking Mr Bennett's boy to look at the church " Mrs W " I'll get my coat" S ( desperately ) " you don't have to come mother " Sam gets out muttering, S " can't do a thing with her, she always has to come" Mrs Woodyard walks up path to car. Mrs W " time you weeded this path" S " yes Mother " Sam tries to help her into car, she brushes him away, Mrs W " I ain't one of your fancy girls, hello Edward " Ct "hello Mrs Woodyard " , and then Carrot pulls a face behind her back. S " keep your fingers crossed " Ct " fingers crossed " The car starts fine, Mrs W " not too fast Sam" S " no mother " Hazel Croppen is Mrs Woodyard. At the vicarage Catweazle is putting the phone receiver up to his ear, V " oh do stop playing with the telephone " C " I hear no voices....tis electrickery?" V " course it is now put it down" C " O great magician summon more voices with thy telling bone " The vicar places receiver back on cradle, much to Catweazle's annoyance. Meanwhile Sam, Carrot and Mrs Woodyard are heading towards Bandon. S " look Carrot, nearly 35" Ct " can you get any more out of it?" Sam sees his mother asleep in the passenger seat, he nods to Carrot and the car goes a little faster , spluttering as it does so. Catweazle is not happy, C ( angry) " thy lying false sorcerer, conjure more voices " V " don't get excited again " C " conjure more voices " V " keep calm, it's only the phone I tell you" C " thou will not share thy knowledge, the young wizard at Hexwood is my true brother" V " listen old chap, all I want to do is help you, I've phoned up Hexwood and your friend is coming to take you home " C " thou speakest truly, I see him" The vicar looks out the window , V " oh...I can't " C " no..( points to own forehead) I see him here" V " oh..er...quite so"

V ( looking at book) " ah here it is, Hexwood Farm, George Bennett 5839" At Hexwood the phone in the hall rings, Carrot answers it. Ct " hello" V ( phone) " hello " Catweazle assumes he is being spoken to, C " hello" V ( to catw) " sshh..( phone) ..who is that speaking?" C " tis I " Ct " ( phone)" Hexwood Farm " V " could I speak to Mr Bennett " C " I know not " V ( to catw) "ssshh.( phone)..my name is Potts" C " ssshhh..my name is Catweazle " V " will you be quiet!..( phone) ..sorry I didn't mean you, I'm the vicar at Bandon " C " and I am Catweazle " Ct " hold on a minute..( calling)..Dad." V ( to catw) " he's gone to get him" Catweazle approaches cautiously he is beginning to realise he's not being addressed . At Hexwood George takes phone, Carrot listening. G " George Bennett here" V " ah hello Mr Bennett, this is the vicar at Bandon I wonder if you could help me" No, Catweazle hasn't quite realised yet, and chimes in , C " ask me anything my brother " V ( phone) "I've got a man here with me, he's out of his mind" Catweazle spins around, he can't see anyone !! G ( phone) " what's that, you'll have to speak up" V " it's very difficult he's here in the room with me" Catweazle gets his witch knife out, C " oh invisible demon, I bid thee appear " V " put that knife away " G " is he attacking you!?" V " no no I think he's harmless " C " oh if he's a friendly demon all is well" G " who is he?" V " well he is an old man" G " what old man" V " is there a village or hamlet near you called Castle Saburac?" G ( puzzled) " Castle Saburac?" Carrot smiles.. G " not round here" V " are you sure, he says he comes from near your farm, I was hoping you could identify him" Catweazle at last twigs, C " why speakest thou to that bone?" V " phone not bone" G ( to Carrot) " I think they're both mad " V " the man needs help" Catweazle grabs phone, C( phone) " if thou art a demon I will destroy thee" Vicar grabs phone back, V " sorry about that " G " look vicar, we'll soon get this sorted out, Bandon you say" V " that's right thank you " The barmy phone call ends, George turns to Carrot. G " he says there's an old chap who knows me or something and that he's gone potty. I suppose I better go round and see what it's all about" Ct ( enthusiastically) " now?" G " well hold on, I can't go in my work clothes, I'll get changed " George goes upstairs. Sam finally gets the car going, Carrot runs out shouting as Sam starts to drive off. Ct " SAM...SAM.." S " see got her started" Ct " what about the spin?". S " now?" Ct " yes now " S " alright you're on, get in, where do you want to go?" Ct " Bandon....Bandon church" The car just about goes away down the lane, spluttering and smoking as it chugs away.

At Hexwood, G " if you want to get going Sam" S " thanks boss " George walks off, Sam tries to start motor, it won't start , S " you would wouldn't you " Sam gets out carrying starting handle when Carrot turns up on bike, he is looking glum. Ct " trouble Sam?" S " no no she's running perfect, just a bit cold that's all" Ct " won't she start?" S " no!" Ct " need a push?" S " no thanks Carrot, she ought to start on her own, can't keep pushing her. Where have you been anyway, your Dad's been after you, been to the woods again?" Ct " yeah" S " still playing at your magic" Ct ( sadly) " no Sam not anymore " S " never mind, cheer up old son, give me a hand here " Ct " will it take long?" S " no, only a couple of minutes " Ct " alright " At the vicarage Catweazle is shown in and offered seat by vicar. V " come in, sit down, ah...not there that's Shirley Temple's, don't know where she's got to, went out half an hour ago with Spencer Tracey....ah talk of the devil" C " which devil?! The vicar points to a tabby cat on armchair, he picks it up. V( strokes cat) " puss puss puss ...there's Laurel and Hardy over there ( points to more cats sitting on a foot rest)" C " what is this place?" V " my Bishop calls it Hollywood. Not really a cats home, they just sort of gravitate to the vicarage like magic" C " cats bring magic" V " and they're so glamorous aren't they, hence the names. Do sit down " Catweazle sits opposite the Vicar. V " now let's hear all about your troubles " C " I too have a familiar spirit, ( takes out toad) see." V " I say a splendid chap isn't he, how long have you had him?" C " 900 years, I invoked the spirits " V " er...did you " C " but it was in vain, I flew not back in time, but sideways to thy tower" V ( humouring) " what a disappointment for you. Where did this journey begin?" C " by the farm at Hexwood " V " ah Hexwood by Westbourne, do you work there?" C "no I work at Castle Saburac " V " Castle Saburac? I thought I knew all the villages round here, (looks through telephone book) I really must find out who you belong to" Back at Hexwood Sam is on his back underneath the car, Carrot looks on, S " three quarter inch spanner" Carrot hands spanner, S " not that one, the ring spanner. A pity I was going to take you for a spin this afternoon. How about it eh? When I get her going" Ct " sure, I better go tell Dad I'm back"

A crowd has gathered below in the churchyard, the vicar turns up. V " stand back..he might be going to jump" Wilkins the vicarage gardener is at the head of the crowd. W " he's not going to jump, it's one of those publicity stunts if you ask me" V ( curtly) " Wilkins?! W " next thing one of them helicopters will come and drop down packets of cornflakes " V " that's enough, I'm going up , get a ladder" W " I'll get the police " V " you'll do no such thing, the man is on my spire, I shall deal with it. ( shouting up)..don't do anything foolish, we can talk this over. I'm coming up, whatever you do don't jump" Brian Wilde is the vicar, Harry Hutchinson is Wilkins. At Hexwood George takes a quizzical look at Sam's new car, a vintage banger parked in the yard. G " are you sure that things legal?" S " I paid £100 for her" G " they must have seen you coming " S " she's a jolly good little runner. She'll do 40 down Longview Hill" G " you can do 40 down Longview Hill in a wheelbarrow " At the church the Vicar and Wilkins are on the roof, a ladder up against the spire, the Vicar halfway up it, Wilkins holding it...sort of. V " is it trouble with the police? Or financial difficulties?" Catweazle shakes head, V " whatever the problem is it can be solved " The ladder wobbles, V ( to Wilkins) " hold it firm you fool" W " it's no good trying to shift him Vicar, he's made up his mind to be awkward " C ( shouts) "salmy dalmy adonay let me fly let me fly" V " I really would advise against any attempt to fly" C " viniti vinitus spiritus " V " oh..ve vimus ve vimus...I mean where there's life there's hope old chap. If you would come down onto terra firma things may look different, I mean nil desperandum old chap " Catweazle perks up hearing Latin, C " does thou follow the path?" V " well I try to, narrow though it is " C " I have failed " V " oh we all do, sometimes though it can be a blessing in disguise. ( to Wilkins) keep it still it's wobbling " C " art thou my brother?" V " oh yes of course " C " will thou show me thy book?" V " gladly, I'll give you a copy" C " then I will descend " V " thank goodness for that "