goldcard

You know, as 50 approaches, and passes, I'm getting a bit refelective, looking back, where I flucked up, where it all went wrong.

Being told by workmates that they no-one with worse luck than me, being where I am, existing rather than settling down towards retirement.

Since my mum died, I miss her more than ever, I really need to talk to her and can't, and with my little 1/2 brother being taken early, step-dad being overwhelmed by cancer, and big sister suddenly dying last summer, add my health issues and my own mortality is in focus.

Still, I keep going, try to keep a smile and maybe bring one to others, and shut out the manure my life seems to have become.

A lot of my humour hides a lot inside, though, it's a barrier, try to be a clown/idiot rather than let the real tortured me emerge.

You'll have had a reason to check my profile, maybe read this bit, and maybe this helps you explain/understand a bit.

Of course, this could be unread for the next 3 years or so, who knows.....(or cares..)

Bit of an ego boost being headhunted back into my old job, and somehow deemed medically fit.

2011 could be the year things really turn the right way for me, here's hoping......