HawkMan

An officer approaches Templar, Off " Mr Templar sir , a part load of plutonium was stolen 18 months ago going between the research station at Harwell and the nuclear station at Winscale. The driver of vehicle that was stolen was thought to be complicit but nothing was ever proved" T " driver's name and address " Off " name Carter, we have the address " T " good man" In the operations room Denning receives a phone call. D " Denning....yes Prime Minister.." Later Templar is on his car telephone to Scotland Yard. T " we were too late on that plutonium theft. The driver Carter died 6 months ago ,they suspected would you believe radiation poisoning , what about those physicists " Loader ( phone)" the computer has come up with six names all rejected by me on the basis of incipient paranoia " T " where are they now" Denning ( phone)" one committed suicide, three are working in African countries, one we can't trace ,and the other is teaching in a crammer in Chelsea " T " that's ridiculous, man of his qualifications trying to get dull pupils through their exams " Ld " report I had to make on him is like an albatross around a man's neck, it's with him wherever he goes " D " his name is Parkinson, we've been to the school but he's not there, off sick " T " his address?" D " 66 Leinster Square W2" Templar with Lynn sitting beside him spins the car round and drives off to Parkinson's. On the radio there is the usual news, nothing about the bomb, the bomber listens, puts a cassette in his machine and records another message. Bomber " there was nothing in the news again. You're still not taking me seriously. Now people will start getting hurt" He opens his remote control device. It has seven buttons in a line , numbered 1 to 7 , 1 to 6 are white, button 7 is red. He presses button 3. Boom!! An explosion takes place at the Old Bailey courthouse, in the street outside. Denning and Loader at Scotland Yard, D " never be long enough to trace" Ld " and you can't argue with a recording, that's why he does it that way " Parkinson is at home, sitting in an armchair listening to the radio, specifically the police radio band. There's a knock on the door, P " clear off" Voice on radio " whoever planted this was out to cripple people...over.." Parkinson giggles, another knock on door. P " I told you, clear off" Templar breaks the door down and marches in.

Professor Loader marches into the operations room at Scotland Yard and up to Denning. Ld " this had better be good I was enjoying my holiday " Commander Denning fills him in, D " he's given us a simple choice, London or the girl" Templar and Lynn arrive; Loader arms outstretched greets them, Ld " Lynn what are you doing here?" D " she's the girl " Ld " she also happens to be my daughter " D " Jackson?" L " it's my married name" Another bomb goes off ar 10 o'clock. Police and ambulance arrive at Westminster Pier, the device strapped to the walkway of the wooden pier. An officer on the scene contacts Denning. " yes sir, it was definitely bigger than the first" The phone rings in Scotland Yard, an officer transfers call to speakerphone, everyone listens. Bomber " you better believe me, it going to get worse. That's 2 down and 5 to go, and number 7 is the big one ". Templar Lynn and Loader are walking along a corridor within Scotland Yard. T " you are the psychologist responsible for rejecting unstable scientists for government posts?" Ld " yes" T " so someone you rejected is hitting back at you through your daughter. Is that a hypothesis you'd accept " Ld " yes I would " T " but why do it this way, why not simply kill you, or your daughter. Is there some sort of psychological pattern to all this" Ld " yes, it's the classic imaginative paranoid, he wouldn't want to kill me that'll be too painless for me , what he wants is my suffering through the death of Lynn " T " what about the way he wants her to die " Ld " Templar please..." L " daddy tell him" T " it's very important we know everything about this man, is the way he wants her to die a part of this pattern?" Ld " yes it's part of a paranoid fantasy the man's been building up for years. He wants it ritualistic, formalized, in the presence of millions, and with his hatred of humanity he wants it on the conscience of millions. They save themselves by a sacrifice " T " how many physicists have you rejected on the basis of incipient paranoia " Ld " can't be many, half a dozen perhaps " T " can you recall them?" Ld " not offhand I've interviewed hundreds of scientists. I could go through my files " T " no time, anyway that kind of information will be in the government data banks" At the end of the corridor is a uniformed officer. T " officer, take Professor Loader down to the government data banks. Authority of Commander Denning " Off " sir" T " and Professor let's have those names as soon as the computer spits them out" Frank Gatliff is Loader.

In the underground car park under Templar's home, Fred the garage man whose job includes looking after the residents vehicles, enters his office at the far end of the car park, switches the kettle on to start another shift, when suddenly a car horn blares out, non stop, Fred rushes out and runs over to Templar's car, Simon is slumped over the wheel asleep, resting on the horn button. F " mr Templar sir, are you alright " T ( awakes) " what the hell....what's going on" F " easy does it Mr Templar " Templar staggers out of the car, T " god I feel odd.....maybe that lobster I had last night " In Fred' s office Simon sips tea. T " I had this dream Fred, a nightmare " F " never known a nightmare that could stand up to a cup of my tea" T " hope you're right, there was this maniac" Simon notices a card sticking out of his jacket top pocket, it reads, ' tell your friends in high places I wasn't bluffing. I get what I want or London blows up" At New Scotland Yard Commander Denning, head police officer of London is in his office with Simon. D " our card came this morning first thing, you know what I usually think of you and Special Branch business, but I need every man I can get, you're in" T " there was no way to keep me out" D " I've seen some sick messages from terrorists but this is the sickest" T" what does he want?" A police officer pops his head into Denning's office, "There's no one in the office at Harwell sir, too early " D " well dig them out at home" Templar and Denning go into the main operations room. Denning shows Simon a photo. D " he wants that girl executed! He wants it done publicly in Hyde Park, he wants it on tv and radio, and if it isn't done he'll explode the bomb remotely " T " I'll say he's sick, we can always put blanks in the guns" D " he's thought of that, that's how he wants it done" Denning shows Simon a drawing the bomber has done ....of a guillotine D " try faking that. This lot landed on the Prime Minister's desk at 7 this morning. The bomber has given us until 3 this afternoon to set up the execution. Until we broadcast his demands on tv and radio he'll set off various explosive devices around the city on the hour every hour. What's more each one will be bigger than the last. It's so sick it could just be a hoax" T " it's no hoax, that bomb was real" D " why should he show you?" T " perhaps he knows all about me, knows I have a physics degree, and more importantly I have a lot of influential friends " The phone rings Denning picks it up and listens, and puts phone down. D " small explosion on Admiralty Arch, nobody hurt" The clock reads 9 am, T " right on the button " Another phone rings, a police officer picks it up, listens and places receiver in speakerphone device, the bomber's voice is heard. The bomber, identity unknown is holding a telephone receiver up to his tape recorder, a precorded message again in the phoney German accent. Bomber " that's the first, you've got six hours left" Donald Houston is Cmmdr Denning; Templar " any plutonium missing?" Denning " we're checking with Winscale and Harwell" T " what about unstable physicists" D " we're getting in Professor Loader, chief scientific screening officer to the government. He knows more about nutty scientists than anyone in the country " An officer comes up to Denning, D " well?" Off " a helicopter has just picked up Professor Loader sir, he was on holiday in Cornwall " T " our only other lead is the girl. Who is she?" D " young sculptress , gifted, name of Lynn Jackson " In Lynn Jackson's sculpture studio she is at work, using an oxy Acetylene torch on a metal figure she's constructing. Templar tells her the bad news. L " HE'S GOING TO WHAT!!!" T " sorry there's no other way of telling you other than straight " L " who is he, what is he" T" we were hoping you could tell us" L " I don't know any crazy physicists " T " no rejected suitors?" L " there isn't anybody. My husband died last year and since then I've put all my energy into my work" T " no enemies at all?" L " well my father wasn't best pleased I gave up finishing school and the debutante circuit and married a man who worked with his hands. ( smiles) but he forgave me when I became mildly famous . It's a nightmare isn't it " T " it's a nightmare, well if anything does crop up let us know" L " hang on...you're not leaving me to bite my fingers down to the knuckles...it's my head on the block if you pardon the expression, and where you go I go" Anouska Hempel is Lynn Jackson.

10. The Armaggedon Alternative ( in depth) It's 6am as play boy and crime fighter Simon Templar drives his Jaguar XJS into the underground car park under his London mews house. He parks it and walks towards the lift to get to street level. Standing waiting at the lift door Simon reflects on a successful evening out with a beautiful model. The lift door opens, standing in the lift is a man wearing a hideous looking mask, a Halloween horror mask , holding a gas canister. The gas pours out and Templar collapses. Templar awakes, sitting in the passenger seat of his car, blindfolded and his hands tied. T " what is this, mystery tour economy class " The unseen driver places a cassette tape in the car player and a ridiculous almost comic Germanic voice is heard , obviously phoney. Man " I mean you no harm I want to show you something " T " it had better be good " Man " and now a little music" The driver switches the car radio on, Templar puzzled can hear something odd, the driver is sniffing a lot, and there's a smell! A little later the car pulls into a normal suburban street and into a driveway of a semi detached house and into a garage. Templar hears the car door open, the driver gets out and then opens the passenger door. Man " please get out of the car, don't try anything I have a gun" Templar steps out , the blindfold removed. T " I think I prefer the blindfold on" Templar not impressed by the ugly mask. The man has a tape recorder strapped over his shoulder, he presses a button on it, again we hear the fake accent. Man " walk forward, through that door " Templar does as instructed and into a chamber, bare except for a large metal construction. Six foot high, long and three foot in depth. The metal box like container has a window in it. Templar looks through it, and sees a small rectangular box with wires and tubes and flickering lights in it. Next to it is a metal cylinder, the whole container/ construct is lead lined. T " my god!" M ( taped voice)" that's right it's an atom bomb, big enough to blow London into ashes. The cylinder contains the plutonium with which I shall arm the bomb, one half in the cylinder, other half in the device already. Kept apart they are harmless, but brought together they achieve critical mass and the result is all the horror of a nuclear explosion. " The bomber picks up a remote control device, about the size of a tv device, opens it to reveal buttons. Bomber " with this device I can detonate the bomb from up to a hundred miles away, the explosive lenses drive the plutonium halves together and the city is destroyed by hell on Earth. And that is precisely what will happen unless my demands are met " T " what demands " Bomber " you'll be notified shortly Mister Templar, but now sleep " The bomber sprays more gas from the cylinder he picks up from a table , and Simon collapses. Ian Ogilvy is Templar.

7. YESTERDAY'S HERO Roy Gates released from jail in Germany after serving 10 years for terrorism is determined to see his estranged son against the wishes of his ex wife. Templar and Gates were on an unofficial mission for the British government trying to free a diplomat from Yemeni terrorists way back. The mission failed , Gates was captured by the Yemenis, Templar escaped, then years later Gates presumed by all to be dead was part of the Beider Meinhoff terror group committing crimes. Gates claimed that after being abandoned by the British government he was rescued by an East German from the Yemenis but the price was to train the German terrorists. Now 10 years later he's back in England and determined to avenge himself and kill the person responsible for the original mission failure, that cost him 10 years and an arm. Ian Hendry, Annette Andre and Gerald Flood in this episode. 8. THE POPPY CHAIN The sister of a friend of Templar's dies after a heroin fix, the heroin itself has been poisoned. The girl's father, an ex General from WW2 is determined to track down the pusher. General Platt tracks the pusher to his home, forces him to reveal the whereabouts of the drug gang smuggling in the heroin, but is then bashed on the head by the pusher's wife. Reluctantly from his hospital bed Platt hands over what he has learned to Simon, who picks up the trail and infiltrates the gang and heads for Marsielle to face the drug Baron responsible for this poisonous heroin. Platt determined to help Templar releases himself from hospital and goes to France to face Scorbesi the Baron and an ex WW2 colleague, now though on opposite sides. In a farm outside Marsielle Templar and Platt meet , Templar under cover as Frank Rickman, the London drug dealer who buys the heroin, and together he and Platt have a fight on their hands to overcome this gang that the French police haven't been able to touch in 20 years. With "Magpie" presenter Jenny Hanley, who is pretty good in this. 9. THE ARRANGEMENT Lady Greer Stevens is the wife of an MP ,Sir Trevor Stevens, she is cold vindictive and possibly insane, a recent patient at a clinic after a nervous breakdown, the latest in a number of such traumas. On a plane travelling with a female author, a feminist Sheila Northcott, Greer proposes they kill each others husbands, both wanting their own dead and having no motive to kill each others, a perfect crime. Sheila angry at her TV presenter husband and his feminist bashing comments on his show, agrees with Greer to the arrangement. But Sheila momentarily angered was joking, Greer certainly wasn't, and after killing Guy Northcott puts pressure on Sheila to carry out her side of the bargain. Templar a friend of Sheila gets involved when Greer kidnaps Sheila's sister to force her to kill her husband. Sir Trevor besotted by Greer continues to refuse to believe his wife wants him dead and doesn't help matters by giving Greer alibis, false ones to cover up her wrong doing. A tricky situation for Simon to unravel. Caroline Seymour excels as the dangerously loopy Greer. My second favourite episode.

4. ONE BLACK SEPTEMBER Israeli Mossad agents hire Templar to track down a Black September terrorist in London who is on the run from his old comrades. Three Black September commandos arrive to track down Hakim before the Israelis get him. Hakim has a girlfriend who he wants to marry and she persuades her father to help them with money to get forged passports to help them escape. Prunella Gee as the Israeli colonel assigned to work with Templar to track Hakim. After losing track of Hakim the terrorists kidnap the colonel Leyla and propose an exchange, Hakim for Leyla or she dies. 5. THE VILLAGE THAT SOLD ITS SOUL Atmospheric episode with almost a feel of The Prisoner about it. Templar witnesses a woman being thrown into a quarry to her death and goes to nearby Santa Maria here in Borgia country in Italy. There he is confronted by police, the mayor, the villagers all involved in covering up the murder, but why ? The local priest is apparently on the list for the next one to die. Delores Strasser the victim was a whore and not popular but as Templar says it's hardly a reason for the whole village to engage in a cover up. The village patron Prince Lorenzo and his recently murdered son Enrique hold the key to why the priest and Delores are targets. 6. ASSAULT FORCE Templar rescues a lady in distress at Heathrow Airport, she was about to be attacked by an Oriental gentleman. It transpires she has come to England to campaign to free a group of nuns in her country who are to be executed by the despotic government in the Far East. Templar decides to help, but gets no joy from his government friends at the F.O. Surinet a top government official from the country in question is arriving in England for talks and Templar puts together a team of hand picked men to raid the airport where Surinet is arriving, kidnap him and exchange him for the nun's lives. But things go wrong after a couple of traitors in the assault force Templar has put together hand over Surinet to the embassy of the country to be smuggled back home to face trial. Templar has made a huge error, Surinet was in England to engage the British government to help overthrow the dictatorship run by Mattiah back home, and Simon has inadvertently handed Surinet to Mattiah's secret police. His rag tag assault team now have to rescue Surinet from the embassy or Templar is facing jail.

3. DUEL IN VENICE Beautifully shot in Venice, this episode sees Templar in a race against time to save a teenager kidnapped by a murderous lunatic with a grudge. Linda is the daughter of a friend of Simon and while Templar is distracted by a bogus message that he has a phone call, she is spirited away from a riverside cafe and onto a gondola by Jed Blackett. Blackett is a mercenary, and blames Templar for leaving him for dead in Angola, and has given Simon 6 hours to find them before he kills the girl. A speedboat taxi driver named Claudia helps Simon track down Linda by following various clues Blackett has left dotted around Venice. Ultimately Blackett wants Templar to reach them as he has prepared a horrible death for Templar and Linda, a funeral pyre which he intends placing Linda on ...while still alive. Maurice Colbourne excels as the deranged Blackett.

2. THE NIGHTMARE MAN Templar passes a hotel room in Paris while a lady screams after waking from a nightmare. She tells Simon her dream, her husband will be assassinated by a blonde haired hitman in London. This seems a harmless dream until it's revealed the lady is the wife of the new Italian ambassador. Templar tells Scotland Yard and Templar and the police become anxious when it's learnt that a blonde hitman has left Ecuador after killing police officers. Gunter is the man , a killer with a reputation for never missing, and the story has a twist when Templar sees the ambassador at the Italian embassy and discovers the wife is NOT the woman in the hotel. Who is she, why did she lie, why tell Templar, and Gunter is a reality so what's going on? Templar deduces that the woman could have been an actress, after checking through an actors directory the woman is located and she leads them to an ex Central American dictator in a wheelchair. Joss Ackland is great as Gunter.

RETURN OF THE SAINT This IMO is a very underrated show, made after the grittier The Sweeney and The Professionals , so perhaps seen as a throwback to more straightforward series. ITC's last show of this type, Ian Ogilvy excels in the role made famous by Roger Moore, this remake has plenty of gorgeous location work in Italy and France and I recommend it thoroughly. 1. THE JUDAS GAME A spectacular opening episode with great location shooting and a movie type plot. Templar is hired by MI6 to go into Albania to rescue Selma , an agent kidnapped by the Albanian state. Templar is hired because of his mountaineering skills as Selma is being held in a mountain fortress. Twists and turns abound as first we discover Selma played by Judy Geeson is actually a volunteer defector, who is training terrorists. Templar forcibly rescues and removes her from the Albanian soldiers and with the help of two local resistance fighters flees to the border to a waiting boat and MI6 friends. But a MI6 traitor has blown the location of the boat.

72. M Corp. The crew discovers that their computer system has been taken over by the rapacious M-Corp software group with the result that Lister cannot see anything not produced by them - including his crew-mates. Kryten must devise a way to reboot the system and Lister himself for a return to normality 73. Skipper. After a collision Red Dwarf is afflicted by a lesion in time and, as a result, every decision the crew makes is replaced by its alternative. Kryten realizes that to rectify things a quantum skipper must be activated . Rimmer uses this piece of tech to jump between parallel dimensions in the hope he can find one he can settle down in, one where he isn't such a loser. Will the infinite possible dimensions be a big enough number to find Rimmer a satisfactory existence or will he have to slink back to the Dwarfers and admit infinity wasn't big enough? I think we know the answer. Beyond Series 12 The future of Red Dwarf is likely to be one off specials. One has been made so far, with more promised. 74. 90 minute special- The Promised Land. A fleet of warships are helmed by the 'felis sapiens', under the tyrannical rule of Rodon, the ruthless feral cat leader who has vowed to wipe out all cats who worship anyone but him. Three cat clerics are to be executed for this crime, but manage to escape. They steal a shuttle and set course for their 'birthplace' to find their god. Meanwhile, Lister has spent weeks going through the areas of the ship that he has not investigated since he left stasis, including the cargo bays where amongst other things he finds the reboot-disc for Holly, the ship's computer who was lost years earlier. Booting it up, they discover that Holly has been restored from his original startup file, and fails to recognise the crew. After discovering that the ship is all but abandoned and serves no logistical purpose, Holly follows his pre-programmed instructions to dispose of the ship by destroying it. Unable to convince him otherwise, Lister, Kryten, Rimmer and Cat all flee in Starbug to find a new ship. The three cat clerics meet the Dwarfers, including their God, Lister and the battle against Rodon is fought. THE END.......FOR NOW?

70. Timewave. The crew find themselves on the 'Enconium', a ship where criticism is illegal and all ineptitude must be tolerated. When they protest they are arrested and threatened with draining of all critical thoughts. However Rimmer's bitterness about his childhood comes in handy in beating the draining machine, his inner critic and the system, at least for a while. 71. Mechocracy Red Dwarf receives a distress call which turns out to be a computer virus, shutting down all its systems and leading Rimmer to order evacuation. However he refuses to take the ship's machines with the crew and when the virus is removed they go on strike. Kryten breaks the strike and, supported by Lister, puts himself forward as the machines' president but Rimmer blackmails Cat into backing him as a rival. Now only the talking toaster can prevent Rimmer from succeeding in his mendacious bid for power.

Series 12. 68. Cured. Crash-landing on a foreign planet the crew shelter from a sand-storm in what turns out to be a rehabilitation unit. Here Professor Shaul Telford has cryogenically preserved Hitler, Stalin, Messalina and Vlad the Impaler, having cured them of their evil tendencies. Cat is annoyed that he cannot tempt Messalina whilst Lister angers Rimmer by jamming with a very camp Hitler but when all the Red Dwarf crew discover that someone is trying to murder them they wonder how successful the experiment has been - and whether Cat can be trusted not to side with the psychopathic killer. 69. Siliconia. Red Dwarf is captured by the Mechanoid Intergalactic Liberation Front, a group of automata out to free androids being used as slaves and who turn Kryten's crew-mates into a robotic work-force. Rimmer enjoys his new carefree life but Lister resists and only a cleaning duel between him and Kryten can determine all their fates.

..oops sorry wrong thread

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66. Krysis. Kryten has a mid-life crisis as he is half-way through his life cycle and consoles himself with a new crimson shell complete with sub-woofers. To cheer him up the crew decides to introduce him to Butler, a supposedly less intelligent mech but he is extremely sophisticated, making Kryten feel worse. Salvation arrives when Kryten realizes that the very universe itself is also subject to a mid-life crisis and he can help it. 67. Can Of Worms. Cat panics when he hears the Red Dwarf may be encountering vampires who only kill virgins so he is relieved and delighted when the crew liberates a glamorous female cat from her abductor. However she is actually a malicious shape shifter who uses Cat as a host for her clones, leading to a stand-off between the crew and their look- alikes before Cat saves the day.

64. Give And Take. The team encounters deranged robot Asclepius which knocks out Lister and Cat. Rimmer disables Asclepius and the crew escapes, only to find that the mad droid removed Lister's kidneys. The only suitable donor is Cat and the medi-bot charged with performing the operation turns out to be the snack dispenser. Fortunately Kryten discovers that time travel may be the answer to saving Lister's life. 65. Officer Rimmer. When the crew comes across an explorer ship Rimmer saves the life of its captain, Edmund Herring, who has had trouble with his bio-copier machine and who promoters Rimmer out of gratitude. Rimmer consequently opens an officers' club, filling it with cloned versions of himself via the bio-copier to the annoyance of the others. However a snarl-up in the machine produces a mutant monster Rimmer who must be destroyed at all costs.

Series 11. 62. Twentica Forced to relinquish the Casket of Chronos, which allows time travel into the past to alter the future, to the Exponoids the crew pursue them to 1950s America, where technology is banned, thus allowing the Exponoids world domination without any challenge. A dying dissident directs them to Harmony De Gaultier, whose speak-easy is frequented by underground scientists, including Einstein Dave, who helps them redress the balance and regain their ship. 63. Samsara. After receiving a mysterious message the Red Dwarf investigates the Samsara, a spaceship stuck on the ocean bed and full of the skeletons of its crew. With the power out they believe they are stranded until Kryten realizes that the ship carries a Karma Drive, which punishes bad behaviour but rewards virtuous acts. Somehow the machine must have had its programme reversed as Cat and Lister discover when they try to be nice to each other. Nastiness now seems to be the key to survival.

Hmm...yeah, tactical nuance is a better term than intrigue.

Apologies for being pedantic, but I know football fans in Nottingham are really touchy about this; it's Nottm Forest and Notts County. Captain's call in NRL adds a bit an of extra layer of intrigue to the game, so thumbs up from me.

60. Dear Dave. Lister finds himself in a bizarre love triangle with two talking vending machines - sweet-voiced coffee maker number 23 and the more vengeful chocolate bar dispenser number 34 - and ends up literally getting his leg over with 34. The mail arrives from earth and Lister gets a letter from a pregnant ex-lover of whose child he may be the father. He and Rimmer hunt through piles of old mail for proof but ultimately Lister is disappointed to learn that he is not the one. 61. The Beginning. The Red Dwarf is surrounded by hostile Annihilators and a Simulant death ship,with only two forks and a pencil sharpener for weapons. The crew flee in the shuttle and hide in an asteroid where Rimmer plays a hologram of his father,only to learn he was not his father after all. Free of paternal scorn at last he concocts a clever plan,which destroys the enemies and Red Dwarf lives to see another day.

58. Lemons. Whilst attempting to construct a Swedish flat-pack rejuvenation shower the crew accidentally transport themselves back to the year A.D. 23. In order to power their returner remote they need lemons to make a battery and ,in a Middle Eastern market,meet a friendly young man called Jesus. When Jesus complains of demons on his back the crew successfully teleport him and themselves back to 'Red Dwarf'. On board Jesus accidently reads about how his life will dramatically change and the religion he creates. Jesus returns to Earth and behaves in a very unchristian manner. The team go after him and learn that Jesus is a commoner name than they had thought. 59. Entangled. Whilst Cat and Kryten find themselves doing everything in unison due to 'quantum entanglement' Lister loses the shuttle craft 'Starbug' and Rimmer to a group of hairy genetically engineered life forms in a poker game. To ensure he keeps his side of the bargain within twenty-four hours they have attached an explosive device to his groin due to go off when the time is up. Having unsuccessfully tried to bargain with them with the 'spoon of destiny' the crew have to locate Professor Edgington,the inventor of the groinal exploder,to save the day - which she does,though Rimmer's chances of romance are cruelly dashed.

Series 10. 56. Trojan. The crew discover the pristine,empty spaceship Trojan and use it to travel to the aid of Columbus III,to answer a distress call from Rimmer's brother Howard,who used to bully him. However Rimmer is too proud to help until he can equal Howard in rank and become an officer. He thus has fifteen hours to sit the Astro-Nav promotion exam which he has failed on ten previous occasions. The others work out that Rimmer's head is too full of past resentment to clear a space for exam data but when the Trojan eventually rides to the rescue Rimmer discovers that Howard is not what he claims to be. 57. Fathers And Suns. Whilst Lister writes himself a father's day card the others give Pree,the ship's computer,a glamorous upgrade. However she is soon putting the ship in danger and setting it on a collision course with the sun while it fills with laughing gas. Her excuse is that Rimmer has programmed her to imitate his own incompetence. Fortunately Lister takes advantage of the fact that he is his own father and,in that capacity, not a crew member to shut down Pree and save the day.

1. Why would anyone interested in good music tape the top 40....and 2. What's taping ?

Ten years after series 8, channel DAVE stepped in and produced/backed this three part story, after the BBC showed no interest in making more Red Dwarf. Series 9. 53/54/55. Back To Earth (parts 1,2,+3) "Part One" begins on Red Dwarf nine years after the events of Series 8, Kochanski is apparently dead, and Holly is out of commission because Lister left a bath running in the officers' quarters for nearly nine years and the Skutters still have not finished drying him out. The original hologram Rimmer has re-joined the crew after temporarily leaving to become the new Ace Rimmer in series 7 with no explanation of what became of the Series 8 human Rimmer. This has become in running in- joke for series 10 onwards, how did the non hologram Rimmer in series 8 save the day, or did he die and is the Rimmer here a hologram of that Rimmer, with the original still out there somewhere dimension hopping. The crew have noted water supplies are low, and discover the cause—a giant squid in their water tank—after they go to investigate. After they barely escape from the encounter with their lives, the squid proceeds to vanish, and Katerina Bartikovsky a former Red Dwarf science officer, materialises. Informing Rimmer he is to be switched off in twenty-four hours, she uses the ship's equipment to analyse the leviathan's DNA and manages to turn a mining laser into a dimension cutter, in the hope of opening up a portal so that Lister can find a mate and restart the human race. "Part Two" begins with the discovery that the Red Dwarf crew inhabit an "invalid dimension". Zeroing in on the nearest valid reality, the portal sucks the crew to Earth in 2009, only to find that in this world, their adventures have been turned into a fictional television show called Red Dwarf. As a result of the discovery they quickly accept that they themselves are merely fictional characters, and find a DVD of the "Back To Earth" special. They are alarmed to discover that they are to die at the end of the final part. They resolve to track down their creators and plead for more life. While on a bus, Lister meets two kids who are fans of the show and who reassure him that, despite all of his faults, he is a heroic and cool character to them. They also share a theory about Kochanski's fate - since Kryten was the only person who actually witnessed her supposed 'death', it seems likely that Kochanski simply tired of Lister and left Red Dwarf with Kryten telling Lister she had died to spare his feelings. Lister later confronts Kryten about this and Kryten admits that the children are correct. Bartikovsky informs Rimmer that it is not wrong to kill a hologram, so he pushes her under a bus. In "Part Three", the crew track down actor Craig Charles on the set of CORONATION STREET ask him to reveal the location of their creator. After they locate him, the Creator reveals that he intends to kill off the crew, having tired of them, but he is himself killed by a now-keen-to-remain-alive Lister. Shortly afterwards, the crew discover that they are in a shared hallucination caused by a female relative of the despair squid seen in s05e06 ,that uses joy, rather than despair, to subdue victims. Kochanski appears before Lister, tempting him to remain behind, but having discovered his Kochanski may still be alive in his own reality, he chooses to wake up and return with the others. As the crew head back to their sleeping quarters, Cat admits that he brought the female despair squid to Red Dwarf with the intention of eating it, and they reflect on the ridiculous idea that anyone could consider them fictional characters. Lister meets er..Craig Charles on the CORONATION STREET set. The creator of Red Dwarf tires of his creation and decides " it's time to die fellas" DAVE the satellite channel have continued to make Red Dwarf, series 10 onwards.