Futtocks

Pumaman A new kind of superhero - a terrible one. The Black Hat in this particular stinker is Donald Pleasance. Not some random Don Pleasance from Mudflaps, Nebraska, but the actual one. Sporting what looks like a suit made from black binbags, he hypnotises blonde stunna Sydne Rome with the aid of a mysterious mask. The fool doesn't even get her to undress, just demands eternal loyalty to his cause. Meanwhile, our somewhat greasy hero is thrown out of a window by Cholo from 'FitzCarraldo', who is actually on his side in this movie. At the Dutch Embassy (this is never explained), henchmen in bow-ties and DJs attack the nascent Pumaman (or 'Poomaman', depending on which actor is trying to do the Basil Exposition). It's like watching a middle-aged Il Divo getting beaten up, which is a positive. Our hero escapes to the roof, where Cholo chucks him a magic belt. A few seconds of laughable SFX later, HE IS POOMAMAN (or PUMAMAN), in his mystical attire of black satin top, crimson cape and, er, beige slacks and cuban heels. But sometimes the cape is black, because that's magic, that is. Pumaman can now fly! Sort of. Sometimes he even points in roughly the right direction. Even Captain Kremmen looks more convincing while airborne. Il Divo corner him in a construction site and shoot randomly while Pumaman (POOMAMAN!) jumps around a bit, then picks up a henchman and flies just like a Puma (POOMA!). He then drops him, catches him, drops him again and catches him again. This is to get information about where the mask is. Cholo takes his new buddy to his Fortress of Solitude - okay, a dusty warehouse - for some quasi-mystical exposition. "Become part of the cosmos. Have you done this? You must take the great trip" yada yada yada. Poomaman walks through a wall and it's back to MST3K Mike and the bots taking a halftime break from the movie. Ah, walking through the wall was the beginning of a mystical journey where he goes semi-transparent and wobbles about in front of the Houses of Parliament, for some reason. Then he comes back. Cholo does a "Mongo only pawn in great game of life" speech. Pumaman zaps into a cockernee mate's fire engine and borrows a transmitter/receiver, which all firemen carry as a matter of course. Then the fire engine crashes for some reason. Poomaman laughs, the callous swine. Poomaman rescues Cholo with some very bad combat skills, before more Il Divo members arrive for Fighty Bit II. He trashes two very nice cars, because pumas feel no solidarity with Jaguars, evidently. Cut to: nice country pile, and our heroes have tracked the lovely Sydne there with the transmitter/receiver. Pleasance (now in a gold lamé dressing gown) has invited a bunch of high-zoot military/political types for a meeting. Naturally, he hypnomatises them with the mask and judicious use of wobble-cam. Donald then reveals the world-domination plot in classic style and instructs Sydne to kill Pumaman. Poomaman attacks Don P and Sydne fails to shoot him (the full 'Point Break/Hot Fuzz' shooting in the air thing), but Pleasance is protected by a bell tent of doom. Or electricity or something. Pumaman flies away, then goes into reverse as our villain uses the mask to try and control him. The forces of the cosmo (not cosmos) belong to Dr Evil now. Cholo and Pumaman have a bonding session with mantras and cuddling. Poomaman somehow shrugs off the hypnotic command to commit suicide, by making himself dead for ten minutes. Henchmen find him apparently dead and ask Pleasance if they should make sure with a bullet. Guess what the reply is? Yup. Upon coming back to life, our hero gets his nose wiped by faithful Cholo, who is practically wagging his tail, but has lost his Poomamanliness. Cholo decides on the suicide-bomber route. He gets captured, naturally, because he's not Caucasian or the hero. Pleasance, back in the binbag suit, uses the mask in a battle of wills with Cholo and the camera shakes a lot. Pumaman's powers return because Sydne smashes a plaster replica of him, and laughable hand-to-hand combat ensues. Cholo uses Aztec Fu plus being big and scary, while Poomaman bounces up and down a lot. Donald Pleasance escapes in a helicopter. Following a Pumaman intervention, a model helicopter crashes. It's all over, and they repair to a Stonehenge-type place (very Aztec) with Sydne (hey a Pooma's got needs and urges, right?). A Christmas Tree bauble appears, piloted by the gods/aliens responsible for Pooma-Powers. They nick the mask and sod off. Cholo disappears too. Pumaman and Sydne plan to have mid-air sex because "that's how you make little Poomamen" (genuine dialogue).

Planning a holiday? People of a certain generation may remember this...

Manos: The Hands of Fate. Joe Schmoe, wife, whiney sprog and poodle are driving. And driving. And driving. And driving. And... you get the picture. This movie has the pacing of continental drift. At one point, an out-of-control singer comes on the radio, making things worse. Searching for a Lodge where they were supposed to stay the night, they pass a young guy and gal in a parked sportscar, who are swigging liquor and sucking face. A building appears, with a small and peculiar man standing in front. Joe Schmoe expresses the sentiment that "maybe this would be a good place to stay the night". Joe has never ever seen a horror movie. And is a prize boofhead to boot. The small and peculiar man is Torgo, acolyte of "The Master" and he is just a mass of physical and facial tics. He appears to have nicked Gandalf's staff and is very unwelcoming. The Schmoes still decide to stay the night. Upon entering the house, they are confronted with what appears to be a portrait of the long-dead corpse of Arthur ('Allo 'Allo) Bostrom and a big scary dog. This is, apparently, the Master. The Schmoes still decide to stay the night. The poodle escapes, and is found dead. Then Torgo makes a seriously weird pass at Mrs Schmoe who reacts in glacial time. Then the irritating sprog vanishes, only to appear with a big scary dog. The Schmoes still decide to stay the night. Meanwhile, the kids in the sportscar are still exchanging saliva. Torgo, who intends Mrs Schoe to be the Master's next wife, clonks Joe on the noggin and ties him up. The Schmoes no longer have any choice in whether to stay the night. After about an hour into the film, the Master finally wakes up in a dungeon with his first six wives. Will something exciting actually happen? Probably not. While performing 'The Hayne Plane', he recites a prayer to a statue of Manos, who looks like a bust of the Mekon. His wives all wake up and start complaining. Then, as the Master departs, they argue and all start beating each other up fairly randomly, to a John Coltrane-lite soundtrack. The Master confronts Torgo and tells him that, although his wives were in suspended animation, they were aware of him creeping into the crypt and fondling them. Torgo tells the Master that he wants Mrs Schmoe for himself. A wife of the master finds Joe, snogs him, then starts hitting him. Meanwhile, some of the other wives are still fighting each other to the sound of frenetic Hard Bop. Coltrane must be tiring out some time about now. Getting seriously miffed at all the domestic strife, the Master decides to sacrifice his tallest wife. And Torgo. Cue "liturgical dance" and two wives trying to slap Torgo to death. When that doesn't seem to be working fast enough, the Master burns off Torgo's hand and laughs. Then stops. Then starts again. The Schmoes finally decide to leave. Then Joe shoots a rattlesnake and they decide to go back. I repeat, they decide to GO BACK! Yep, back to pervy Torgo, his satanic Master, the fighty wives and a hellhound. The cops hear the shots and decide to investigate. Then they decide not to. In the house, the Master confronts the Schmoes, now out of focus, but with his satanic pooch. He does 'The Hayne Plane' for the fiftieth time in this celluloid abortion. Joe Schmoe fires two shots. Black screen. Then the movie appears to start AGAIN, as two entirely new characters drive through the desert for what seems like three hours. They pass the sportscar with the snogging kids, who are still at it (some kind of record attempt?) Arriving at the house, Joe Schmoe welcomes them as the new acolyte of the Master. Wifey and brat are now tied up in the dungeon, in a sort of undead state. Torgo, who ran off into the desert sans hand, is presumably now suing his agent. In short, TripAdvisor, I give this hotel a solid three out of five.

I also watched 'Santa Claus conquers the Martians'. So you don't have to.

Okay so here's the nutshell: the location is Canada. A nerdy kid finds a mystery map in dead father's possessions. Immediately, a car full of machete-wielding chunky blokes in balaclavas chainsaw their way into his house, followed by their leader, described by one of the MST3K robots as 'Garth Vader'. He escapes on his bicycle, staying ahead of the villains' car, then piles into the back of an unreliable pick-up truck driven by the bemulleted, boozing Zap Rowsdower, a drifter with a secret past and a less secret moustache. After various chases, the pick-up breaks down in the exact location of the signs for the lost city and a cave full of inscriptions (and a handy translation guide), and also meet the nerdy kid's father's archaeologist ex-colleague, who puts in a performance of authentic frontier gibberish (see 'Blazing Saddles') to fill in the plot holes a bit with some semi-coherent exposition. He also warns the nerdy kid about Rowsdower's past. Yep, after fleeing from the black hats, they have found themselves exactly where the nerdy kid's dad was killed. Then there's an odd episode where the bad guy does some pentagram stuff in daylight, while Rowsdower has a bad dream/flashback in the nighttime. Simultaneously. Bits of the map (remember the map?) turn black. The nerdy kid gets captured - well WHAT a surprise - and Garth Vader plans to sacrifice him so his people can take over the world. They're an advanced race of aliens or Atlanteans or something, despite their uniform of wifebeater vests. Rowsdower runs up and down some hills and through some woods, beating up chunky gentlemen in balaclavas, before freeing the kid and setting up the climactic fight scene with Garth. Fire v grappling hook 'action' ensues, climaxing with bad guy's death. I think. Suddenly, it's night-time (eh?) and the chunky gents remove their facegear and walk off into a blue light. Meanwhile, a cardboard backdrop of the lost city rises from the ground. Rowsdower smiles for the first time, possibly in his entire life. Our heroes drive away. Roll credits. In short, Stallone's got the USA covered, Ahnold Europe, Dolph looks after Scandinavia, but Canada's defender of all things right is ROWSDOWER! Sleep safely eh?

Mystery Science theatre 3000 again, and the legend of Zap Rowsdower in 'The Final Sacrifice'. At last, a hero who rocks a comfortable-fit waistline.

I have just finished Mansour Bahrami's autobiography 'The Court Jester'. A fascinating life, and magnificently indiscreet about his fellow tennis stars. Like French Rugby League players of the past, he was also the victim of a state-backed sporting ban. If you don't know who he is, this might give you the beginning of a clue.

Just back from the excellent Alan's Records in East Finchley, bearing treasure: Candi Staton - Young Hearts run free Dave Edmunds & Love Sculpture - Singles 'A's & 'B's Donald Byrd - The Best of Donald Byrd Gary Clail & On-U Sound System - Emotional Hooligan Gary Lucas & Gods and Monsters - The Ordeal of Civility Gil Scott-Heron & Brian Jackson - 1980 Jimmy Webb - Land's End

Oh, someone created a poster for the film, featuring the various names Mike and the robots came up with for the chunky-muscled leading man.

Next on 'Mystery Science Theatre 3000' I watched Space Mutiny. Recorded in "Ultra Stereo" (no, me neither). All spaceship sequences were from the original Battlestar Galactica. Not copies, but the actual footage, Cylon ships and everything. Did they get a visit from the copyright police when this was released? There's a sort of psychic Kate Bush tribute act, a baddie who actually does the pantomime villain laugh (repeatedy), a female officer who gets killed but the continuity department lets her carry on at her desk in the next scene, a car chase in what appear to be origami models of the Sinclair C5 and plenty of sub-Tron computer graphics. The acting is... exactly what you'd expect. Oh, and the female lead/love interest looks like Bonnie Langford. But isn't. Which might actually be worse, especially when she pretends to seduce a henchman who looks like Phil Collins. Marvellous!

Cretan budgie-smugglers use a lot more cloth than most...

This was written as a sketch, but is probably approaching reality...

I see there are plans for Friday evening Premier League matches - seems like Thursday fixtures were the thin end of the wedge for RL.

If the bubble ever bursts, it would be financial carnage.

Mine is mainly used for opening packages and letters. Oh, and sharpening the occasional pencil. What it also is, though, is a beautiful thing that is a pleasure to own and use, and sometimes beauty is its own reward. More outdoors-oriented people than me might have more use for a knife.

It's Thuya burl - apparently part of the Cypress family.

Currently listening to a lengthy Radio 5 interview with Marky Ramone.

There are some other things that she has appeared in, some of which are <ahem> quite revealing...

Exactly. The thing is, compared to the average branded single malt, it is a one third saving, which is pretty significant.

Sainsbury's own label Highland - nice, but nothing special.

Bloody hell, it makes Eurovision look understated! Shiny women in insanely mutated national costumes screech their names and countries, while an out-of-tune salsa track bongos along dementedly in the background. Meanwhile, an audience of suspicious-looking swarthy types try to 'parTAY'. Where's Eric Morley? Now they are taking turns to tell the world, sorry universe, that they want to bring about world peace and work with children and fluffy animals.

Remember the launch of LondonLive TV? No, of course you don't. Anyhoo, it was supposed to be the painfully hip televisual face of the urban cutting edge. In other words, they were skint and it all looked like the work of unpaid media studies interns. Right now on that channel, less than a year later? 'Miss World 2014' is finishing, to be followed by 'Miss Universe 2014'.