They Don't Make TV Series For Kids Nowadays Like This/ 1.The Feathered Serpent/2. Catweazle/3.Ace Of Wands/4.THE GHOSTS OF MOTLEY HALL/ 5. TIMESLIP

[HawkMan]

Inside Oscar is viewing Touchwood under a magnifying glass, with the toad on the worktop. Catweazle peers through glass to see a huge vision of his toad.
C " ahh..what has thou done"
He grabs glass off Professor Habbleman and looks through it, Oscar grabs it back.
Osc " do you mind"

Osc " you say he will not eat"
CD " that's right, what's wrong with him?"
Osc " patience my boy patience "
More studying under magnifying glass, then Oscar puts both hands up to his head excitedly.
Osc " no! It cannot be, it cannot be"

At Otto's, Otto rings Oscar hoping for better luck this time.
At Oscar's phone rings,
Osc " hello"
Otto " hello Oscar "
Osc " Otto just a minute "
Oscar rushes back to study Touchwood leaving Otto puzzled.
Otto ( phone)" Oscar ? Oscar?... hello, hello..." (hangs up)
Oscar runs back excitedly to phone.
Osc ( phone)" Otto, I have a very wonderful thing to tell you...Otto..Otto...he hung up, then why did he ring?"
Oscar grabs large, very old book, and says , while patting book a few Latin words, the title of the book.
Osc "de ratione ranarum rubetarum "
Catweazle thinks it's some magic incantation and replies with,
C " Shempamparash "
Osc " indeed so, published in 1637, in 1637!"
He hands book open to Cedric.
Osc " hold it open please Ceedric "
CD " Cedric "
Osc (Checking book, then toad, then book)" yes ....yes...no doubt at all. How long have you had this toad?"
C " 900..."
Cedric promptly interjects,
CD " quite a long time haven't you"
C " aye..900 years "
Osc " yes, it must be or even longer. Tell me where did you find him?"
C " in the great forest "
Osc " forest...can you take me there"
C " nay"
Osc " but you must, to find the others "
CD " others.....is it infectious "
Osc " this toad is extinct like the dinosaur, look at the length of the femur. Impossible but true, a new toad, a new species, this is a red letter in my life. My brother will go crazy, together we will fly to Heidelberg "
C " can thou fly, have thou the 13 signs"
Oscar puts Touchwood in an opaque specimen box.
Osc " we will address the zoological conference. Such a discovery how can I thank you."
Catweazle alarmed as the lid of box is shut with Touchwood inside it.
C " Touchwood !!"
Osc " do not worry my friend, my brother and I will take good care of him. Him ! I must phone him"
CD " but..Professor Habbleman "
Osc " no please, everything is wonderful "

Oscar puts his coat on,
Osc " I will drop you off on the way to Otto's".
Catweazle slyly moves to the specimen box but Cedric pushes him gently away and whispers,
Cd " I'll get Touchwood after you've gone"
Catweazle nods and reluctantly leaves.
Oscar on phone,
Osc " Otto?...well get him Hanna get him...( under his breath)..stupid woman "
Otto ( phone)" hello"
Osc " Otto is that you, Otto I have found a toad extinct like the dinosaur"
Otto " please do not pull the leg Oscar"
Osc " no, but it's true I have examined it, it's the most exciting day of my life . Think what it'll mean Otto"
Otto " this is wonderful Oscar, I'm coming round"
Osc " of course "
Otto " see you"
Osc " see you too"
Cedric is about to open specimen box but Oscar is too quick and comes back into lab.
Osc " where is your friend?"
CD " he had to go"
Osc " strange man, very strange "
They leave lab, 5 seconds later Oscar returns to pick up specimen box he forgot.
Osc ( to himself) " dummpkof "
After they've gone Catweazle comes back in via back entrance .
C " Touchwood?...where art thou?
But of Touchwood there is no sign of course.

Edited March 21 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

Cedric and Oscar arrive at King's Farthing and enter hallway. Lord Collingford doesn't exactly look overjoyed at seeing this eccentric German absent minded professor.
Osc " Lord Collingford what a pleasure to see you again"
LC " Professor Habbleman what are you up to"
Osc ( points to box)" he has found it, such a clever little boy"
LC " what is it?"
CD " just a toad"
Osc " just a toad!! He is so modest your Ceedric "
LC " Cedric "
Osc " this is THE toad"
LC "is it really, I didn't think Cedric was interested in that sort of thing"
Lord Collingford peeks inside box, Touchwood heard croaking, Habbleman closes box.
Osc " I'm going to show it to Otto, he will go crazy"
LC " er.....will he?"
Being polite Charles offers Oscar a drink, hoping he'll say no.
LC " that must mean you have not time to stay for a drink"
Osc " why not, why not, you're very kind"
LC " oh...good, what about your brother "
Osc " may I telephone him"
LC " yes of course "
The two of them go into drawing room, Cedric moves towards specimen box, but in comes an agitated Oscar , forgotten it again, he picks it up.
Osc " dummkopf"
Moray Watson is Lord Collingford ( Charles).

Catweazle is at Oscar's, on his hands and knees crawling around,
C " Touchwood, Touchwood, come my pretty boy (whistles)"
He sees glass case with toad in it.
C " ah..Touchwood...( crestfallen) nay thou are not Touchwood . Where art thou"
Otto comes in , the identical twin, looks more dapper and smartly suited than his scruffy looking brother.
Otto " Oscar....who are you?"
C " has thou forgotten I am Catweazle "
Otto " I'm sorry I do not think I've had the pleasure "
C " I bought thee Touchwood "
Otto " Touchwood?..er my brother?"
C " aye"
Otto " where is he?"
C "I cannot find him"
Otto " perhaps he is upstairs "
C " thou will make him well again?"
Otto " why what is wrong with him?"
C " thou does not know!!"
Otto " he was full of beans a little while ago "
C " full of beans?"
Otto " yes, he was bubbling over "
C ( anguished) " bubbling over !! Then he is doomed "

Otto " what are you saying, what are you trying to tell me...( looking worried)...Oscar ...Oscar. ( running upstairs)...Oscar."

Edited March 21 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

Back at King's Farthing,
Osc " just imagine it, an extinct species, I don't know if I told you but I have measured the femur"
LC " er..yes.. here's your drink"
Osc ( holding wine glass) " cheers, can I phone Otto now?"
LC " yes of course please do"
Oscar goes to window sill where phone is.
Charles gives Cedric a withering look.
LC " what the hell is all this about Cedric "
CD " erm...toads"
Hanna receives phone call at the country house.
H " is that you Otto"
Osc " no no it's Oscar. Can I speak to Otto"
H " isn't he with you"
Osc " if he was I wouldn't be ringing him up would I Hanna"
H " but he went to see you"
Osc " no no I'm coming to see him "
H " he should be there by now"
Osc " perhaps, but I am not there Hanna"
Oscar puts phone down,
Osc " my sister in law, no good on the phone"
LC " I see"
Osc " perhaps I should ring my home, but why is Otto there?"

 

 

At Oscar's the phone rings, Catweazle alone in the lab, recognizes it is a " telling bone" , he encountered it on his first journey to 1970( series1). This is an old fashioned ' retro ' phone.

C " a trumpet telling bone...stop thy noise"
He knocks the receiver off with a swipe of his hand, then replaces it.
At King's Farthing,
Osc " he hung up, on my own phone he hung up".
at Oscar's house
Oscar rings again, Catweazle answers phone and holds mouthpiece about a foot away from mouth.
C " O great spirit of the telling bone where is my familiar?"
Otto returns and gawps perplexed at Catweazle.
C " I charge thee telling bone, lead me to him"
at King's Farthing
Osc " I can hardly hear you Otto I will dial again " He hangs up and redials.

 

at Oscar's
Otto tries to grab receiver off Catweazle.
Otto " give it to me"
C " nay I will speak to the spirits "
The two of them wrestle for receiver.
at King's Farthing
Oscar gets an engaged signal.
Osc " now it's engaged!! He hangs up on me, not once, or twice but three times, now he is talking to someone else"
Lord Collingford doesn't know what to say.
LC " erm..oh dear"

at Oscar's
Otto has got receiver.
Otto " hello, hello..( replaces receiver)..what do you think you're doing?"
C ( shouts) " where is Touchwood!"
Otto " who is Touchwood?"
C " my familiar I brought him to thee"
Otto " I keep telling you I've never seen you before"
C " THOU HAS THOU HAS!!
Otto " let us not lose our patience. Are you working for my brother?"
C " thou has said I am your brother "
Otto " no no, I am not your brother "
C " so be it, I am not thy brother either"
Otto( smiling) " ah wait a moment I think I understand. You have mixed us up"
C " mixed up?"
Otto " yes, don't you see , there are two of us"
C " aye that is so"
Otto " no, not me and you, but me and him"

Edited March 21 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

The phone rings, Otto picks it up.
Otto " Oscar?"
H " Otto "
Otto " Hanna I am here "
H " listen Otto I'm very worried about Oscar, he called me, where is he?"
Catweazle shouts into phone,
C " where is Touchwood?"
H " he's with you then?"
Otto ( to Catweazle) " will you go away"
H " what was that Otto"
Catweazle tries to grab receiver,
Otto " will you go away"
H (angry) " oh very well then" ( slams down phone).
Otto " no Hanna not you!"

Otto " she's hung up, now listen, I am Otto Habbleman my brother is Oscar Habbleman, who are you"
C " I am Catweazle "
Otto " Catweazle?"
C " aye, now where is Touchwood?"
Otto " let's not start that business again "
Phone rings, Otto grabs it,
Otto " Oscar ?...where are you"
Osc " didn't Hanna tell you, I'm at King's Farthing. Now listen Otto whatever you do stay where you are"
Oscar turns to Charles,
Osc " I must go immediately "
LC " of course "
CD " Professor Habbleman don't forget this",( handing over specimen box).
Osc " my dear boy how can I ever thank you "
LC " I'm so glad he's been of help"
Osc " help?...today we have made natural history "
Oscar leaves, Lord Collingford and Cedric exchange weary glances.

At Oscar's, Otto points to picture of toad on lab wall.
Otto " beautiful animals, so you see Mr Catweazle you have nothing to worry about, your wonderful toad will be perfectly safe with us. It is after all our field"
C " thy field?"
Otto " yes, we are experts "
On a table books are stacked high, Otto grabs one and shows Catweazle cover.
Otto " you see, ' Toads For The Layman ' by Otto and Oscar Habbleman "

 

On the bottom of the front cover is a green logo, a scorpion.
C " the sign of the scorpion "
Otto " that's right, scorpion books, take one, take several if you wish"
Catweazle takes book, looks in awe at scorpion logo.
C ( holding book aloft) " O mighty scorpion, thou that will help me fly, bring back my minion".
Oscar enters lab, Catweazle sees both of them he looks anguished, fearful.
Otto " at last, I can't take much more, you know this man?"
C " thou art bewitched "
Otto " he has been here for ages and will not go away "
C " shempamparash "
Otto " see what I mean"
Osc "and what can I do for you this time my friend "
C " I fear thee not, thou or thy shadow , where is Touchwood "
Otto " please Mr Catweazle be reasonable, I don't understand I really don't "
Osc " ah....Touchwood.....your toad "
C " aye"
Osc " that is what he is worried about Otto. There is no need to worry he is quite safe."

C " thou lie, thou double headed double dealer"
Osc " please calm down "
Otto " yes let us all calm down a little bit"
Osc " look Mr Catweazle I shall show you"
Oscar opens specimen box,
Otto " but Oscar the box is empty"
Catweazle smiles, quietly saying to himself,
C " I thank thee Owlface "
The two Habblemans stare at each other dumbfounded.

At Duck Halt in the waiting room of the disused railway station.
CD " it was easy, he was on the phone most of the time, so I just put Touchwood in my pocket "
C " truly Owlface thou art my brother "
CD " is he going to be alright"
C " by Hecate, I hope so"
Catweazle looks into Wellington boot, Touchwood is inside out of sight.
C " thou shall have woodlice, I will find them for thee. Maybe a beetle or a worm, wouldst thou have a worm? Or an earwig"
Touchwood crawls out of the boot, looking well, a shiny green moist skin.
C " he has shed his skin!"
CD " so that's what was wrong with him "
C ( smiling)" a new skin, and a new toad. And look Touchwood a new sign"
Catweazle holds up book for Touchwood to see, gives him another smile and a lovely wink.

 

Edited March 21 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

S2 E9 - THE GHOST HUNTERS 
Cedric and Catweazle are in Duck Halt, the disused railway station that is home to Catweazle. Cedric is teaching him to read, he is standing by a blackboard on which he has written all the letters of the alphabet.
Cd ( points with stick) " A"
C " A for Adamcos"
Cd " B"
C " B...er.."
Cd " B for banana "
C " nay Owlface b is for honey "
Cd " I don't think you've quite got the right idea....C...C..come on you should get this one"
C " ah...C for Catweazle "
Gary Warren is Cedric.

Lord and Lady Collingford are in the bathroom at King's Farthing, their ancestral home, Lord Collingford, Charles is shaving but Dotty is worried about...
LyC " and sometimes I hear a strange noise"
LC " what sort of noise Dotty"
LyC " sort of hissing noise....ttss.....ttss.."
She's obviously heard Catweazle on one of his walkabouts in King's Farthing.

Meanwhile back in Duck Halt.
Cd " D"
C " demons"
Cd " E"
C " electrickery "
Cd " F"
C ( points to Touchwood his toad) " Familiar"

Meanwhile,
LC " that's the central heating, been like that for years"
LyC " no it's not the central heating. I thought at first it was my imagination, but it's more serious than that I know it is"
LC " Dotty darling what are you talking about"
LyC " I don't know how to tell you this but someone's coming to stay"
L " who?"
LyC " Hector Kenley "
L " who?!"
LyC " the Pike's have had him, and last year he did Slope Castle. He found four there apparently "
LC ( humouring) " oh really....four what?"
LyC " ghosts!"
Moray Watson and Elspet Gray are the Collingfords.

Edited March 22 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

Lesson time over at Duck Halt,
Cd " Z"
C " zodiac "
Cd " great you got them all right "
Catweazle pleased with himself laughs, Cedric opens the pages of a children's Ladybird reading book.

Cd " I am a little dog"
C " art thou Owlface?"
Cd " no..that's what is says here...see...I am a little dog"
C ( shakes head) " nay, I will never read thy magic "
Cd " course you will, you're just a late starter"
C " first I must find the 12 signs of the zodiac so that I may fly. Sagittarius the sign of the bowman, where shall I find him?"
Cd " how should I know, it's just a waste of time"
C " flying by magic a waste of time!? Trouble me not thy buzzing gnat"
Cd ( raised voice) " trouble you not, I like that, what about all the trouble I've gone to for you. The jams I've got you out of"
C " huh?"
Cd " difficulties I mean, you get everything handed to you on a plate, and a fat lot of thanks I get"
C ( puzzled) " fat thanks on a plate?"
Cd " oh you know what I mean. You've never done anything for me. What about the treasure?"
Catweazle picks up his magic book in a bit of a huff, ignores Cedric.
Cd " you said there was masses in that book about lost treasure, you have never offered to help have you?"
C " go away thy itching earwig "
Cd " alright I will, bet you can't find it, bet you get the spell wrong. ( shouts) That's it isn't it, too difficult for you. Don't expect me to help you anymore, I've wasted enough of my holiday as it is. I'll find the treasure myself "
Cedric storms out, Catweazle offended that his magician's credentials questioned.
C " thy chattering chaffinch, thy four eyed ferret, no spell shall daunt Catweazle "
Thumbing through book he comes to correct page.
C " ah..treasure, ( reading)..if thou should seek out gold, search not for it by day, for gold is the metal of the sun. Therefore do thy magic in the dark"
Geoffrey Bayldon is Catweazle.

 

[HawkMan]

Dusk is falling, at King's Farthing Charles, Dotty, and Cedric are in the hall as Hector Kenley paces the room, humming.
Cd " but we haven't got any ghosts "
LyC " that's what Mr Kenley is here to find out"
K " mmmmmm.......oh yes definitely vibrations"
LyC ( to Charles) " I told you so "
K " Hackforth, the tuning fork please "
Kenley's assistant Hackforth provides the fork. Kenley goes over to a wall, bangs fork on wall and listens intently as does Hackforth.
K" oh yes...definitely "
H " I agree Hector "
K" have you any idea who it might be Lady Collingford ?"
LyC " oh yes..Lord Alfred"
LC " my great grandfather, why would he come and haunt us?"
LyC " because of the treasure "
Kenley smiles,  " treasure?!"
LyC " yes, he's supposed to have hidden it in the house, maybe he wants to tell us where it is "
Kenley and Hackforth look at each other knowingly, as if to say, this is going to be an interesting job.
Dudley Foster and David Cook are Kenley and Hackforth.

At Duck Halt Catweazle is sitting by a brazier, fire roaring, he pleads with the spirits.
C " Algaram, Tetragram, O spirits I charge thee, lead me to the treasure "

Kenley back in King's Farthing is on his knees, having just laid a trip wire across an upstairs corridor, about 6 inches off the ground. Lord Collingford in his dressing gown looks puzzled at it.
LC " won't someone trip over this wire?"
K " not if they're a ghost "
LC " then why put it there?"
K " erm...just leave it to us Lord Collingford we know what we're doing "
Hackforth comes along corridor and promptly trips over wire, falling flat on his face.
LC ( trying not to laugh) " oh well..goodnight"
H " sorry Hector "

K " where have you been?"
H " sprinkling the doorknobs with talcum powder "
K " but you've been hours"
H " there's 184 doorknobs. Hector, why do I do it?"
K " what?"
H " sprinkle the doorknobs with talcum powder?"
K " no idea, looks impressive though "
H( standing) " do you think we'll be here long?"
K " we might be able to stretch it out till we get to Smallwood Towers, that'll take us up to Christmas "
Oh....they're not genuine!

Edited March 22 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

Cedric in his dressing gown says goodnight to Dotty.
LyC " goodnight darling "
Cd " goodnight mother "
LyC " don't forget to put the top on the toothpaste "
Cd " I won't "
Dotty goes into the bedroom, located next to bathroom, Cedric enters bathroom.
Dotty gets into bed,
LyC " I do hope it's going to be alright "
LC " course it is Dotty darling, now let's get some sleep "

Cedric is at the airing cupboard in the bathroom and pulls out a white sheet, he's going to have a bit of fun tonight.

Hackforth is reeling out a cable along one of the upstairs corridors , the other end leads to a speaker hidden behind a pillar, when Kenley turns up.
K " tuck it under the carpet you fool, we don't want anyone finding that speaker "
H " yes Hector "
K " right, everything is rigged up I think I'll turn in"
Kenley opens door of bedroom and crashes onto floor.
K " Hackforth you idiot, why put a trip wire outside our door, who's going to trip over that "
H " erm....sorry Hector "

Cedric leaves bathroom with a sheet over his head, meanwhile Catweazle has found an open window and climbs in, and straight into a chair in the darkness, knocking a book resting on the arm of the chair onto the floor.
Cedric hears this and runs to top of stairs and looks down at Catweazle as he comes into hall.
Cd " Catweazle?"
C " ssshh"
Cedric runs downstairs,
Cd " what are you doing here?"
C " I have come to find thy treasure "
Cd " not now!"
C " why art thou dressed like that?"
Cd " I'm a ghost "
Catweazle gives him a playful slap,
C " bah..thou art no ghost "
Cd " I'm playing a joke on the ghost hunters. They're here tonight hunting real ghosts "

Catweazle all excited,
C " real ghosts...where?"
Cd " ah...thought that would make you think....all over the house"
C " wondrous wondrous "
Cd " what?"
C " ghosts know where gold is hid, did thou not know, they will lead me to the treasure "
Cd " it's no good Catweazle they're aren't really any ghosts in King's Farthing "
C " no?"
Cd " sorry..no..you better go back to Duck Halt....come on ...and ssshh"

Kenley in his bedroom, lying on the bed sipping wine, Hackforth standing by a tape machine.
K " let's start shall we"
Hackforth presses a button on tape player, a loud deep male groan is heard.
Outside in corridor Cedric and Catweazle jump in surprise.
C " a ghost !"
Cd " crumbs!"

Edited March 22 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

Catweazle wants to stay now, to find the ghosts, he and Cedric creep upstairs.
In the ghost hunters' room.
K " better give them another moan"
Hackforth obliges, another ghostly moan is heard together now with clanking chains, and then a scream echoing through the house. Catweazle lets out a little yelp.
K " was that you Hackforth?"
H " no Hector "
Kenley gets off the bed places his wine glass down, looking a bit worried.
K " that last scream definitely wasn't one of ours"

Dotty has woken up looking worried.
In corridor,
Cd " I suppose you know what you're doing?"
C " salmy dalmy adonay "
In Kenley's room,
K " what was that?"
H " it sounded like, Sunday all day agony"
K " yes it did didn't it...come on"
They open door and walk out, falling over trip wire, flat on their faces. Cedric pokes head around corner and smiles, the wire his doing.
Meanwhile,
LyC " Charles wake up"
LC" what's up"
LyC " I heard a crashing noise"
LC " it's probably Kenley or that other lunatic "
LyC " he might have hurt himself "
LC " I hope he's broken his neck!"
LyC " oh Charles...do go and see..please "
Charles gets out of bed, not in the best of moods.
LC " oh alright "

Kenley gets to his feet rubbing a sore knee.
H " you don't actually think there could be a ghost Hector "
K " course not....pull yourself together man"

Cedric and Catweazle creep away along corridor, Catweazle has to quickly hide behind pillar as Charles turns up.
LC " was that you Cedric?"
Cd " ...er yes"
LC " well get to bed"
Charles returns to bedroom,
LyC " well what was it?"
LC " Cedric tripping over one of those wires. Now for heavens sake let's get some sleep "

Edited March 22 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

Cedric and Catweazle lurking in the darkness,
Cd " can't we forget about the treasure Catweazle, I'm sorry I mentioned it now"
C " trouble not Owlface I will find it for thee"
Catweazle sets off Cedric following ,
C " yessss...yessssss..they are near "
Dotty again turns light on,
LyC " Charles did you hear that? A hissing noise....tttsss..ttss.."
LC ( rapidly losing temper) " Dotty it's gone two in the morning "
LyC" I'm locking the door"
Dotty locks door and puts key on bedside table.
Meanwhile,
K" do you know what I think Hackforth, it's that boy trying to make fools of us"
H " do you think so Hector "
K " yes he's probably out there now pretending to be a ghost. Well two can play at that game."
Kenley starts removing the white bed sheets off the bed.
Cedric and Catweazle are outside Kenley's room, suddenly the door opens, they both quickly hide in adjacent room. The ghost hunters come out dressed as ghosts ! They head off in opposite directions.

Cedric peers out of door, they've gone, he puts sheet over his head and enters their room and sits on bed, waiting to pull off his joke. A few minutes pass, the door opens, one of the ghost hunters is back ,it's Kenley, he goes over to a duffle bag and rummages around and pulls out a thermos and sits next to Cedric, who he thinks is Hackforth, but hang on, there's three of them sitting there, Hackforth came in while Kenley was rummaging in bag.

K " I thought so boy"
Cedric runs out and shuts door, Kenley in pursuit, he opens door and there framed in door is Catweazle! He quickly slams door shut.
K ( terrified) " you're right there is a ghost"
H " it's mad Lord Alfred "

Dotty reaches for the light on the bedside table,accidentally knocks door key onto floor.
LyC " Charles! Charles!.."
LC " now what?"
LyC " listen"
Catweazle's voice can be heard,
C " spirits I charge thee open to me"

L( getting out of bed) " I've just about had enough of this"
Charles goes to door, it's locked,
LC " Dotty we're locked in!"

Edited March 22 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

Catweazle opens door of ghost hunters' room and enters, Kenley looks petrified.
C " salmy dalmy adonay, I bid thee welcome"
H " speak to it Hector "
K ( gibbering) " de....de....de..."
C " where is the gold"
H " he thinks we've found the treasure "
Kenley has composed himself, sort of.
K ( making a cross sign) " depart...depart in peace "
C " fear me not O spirits "
Catweazle arms outstretched moves towards them.

K " AAARRGGHH LET'S GET OUT OF HERE"
Kenley and Hackforth run down corridor passing Cedric,
K " there's a ghost in our room, we'll send His Lordship the bill in the morning "
They scarper, meanwhile Dotty has found the key on the carpet, Charles opens door and runs out yelling,
LC " Kenley what the hell is going on "
Cedric turns to Catweazle,
Cd " Dad's on the warpath get going"
Catweazle runs off, Cedric enters ghost hunter's room and sees tape machine, ghostly moans are still echoing through house. Charles enters,
Cd " Father look"
LC " so much for ghosts"
Charles runs out, Cedric turns off machine.

Catweazle is lost, he's outside the master bedroom, the door opens and he quickly runs into adjacent room, the bathroom. Dotty comes out of bedroom,
LyC " Charles what's happening?"
LC " they're fraudsters, it's all on tape, I'm going after them "
Cd " it's too late you'll never catch them"
LC " we'll see....better check all the doors anyway "
Charles goes off,
LyC " well I'll never believe in ghosts after this , come on Cedric bed, it's all over now"
Cedric goes off to his bedroom. Catweazle meanwhile is in bathroom, he notices on the floor a bathmat with a pattern woven into it,
C " the bowman!"

 

He picks up mat with an archer pattern designed in the centre of it, but slowly the bathroom door opens.
Catweazle jumps into shower unit, closing frosted glass door as Dotty enters.

Dotty at bathroom cabinet mirror, cotton wool ball in her hand, opens cabinet and removes bottle of facial cleansing milk and starts dabbing her face.

Catweazle is trapped, he accidentally leans against shower tap, its a lever tap, he inadvertently pushes it down, the water comes out of shower head all over him.
LyC " oh Charles it's you, you made me jump, are you still angry with me?"
Catweazle desperately tries to stay quiet as he gets drenched, a bottle of shower gel is knocked over, the gel mixes with the water and bubbles fill the enclosed shower unit, Catweazle is panicking...silently.
LyC " I know I was very silly but I really thought I was beginning to see things".
Catweazle can't stay silent any more, he cries out.
LyC " Charles...is that you...."
She nervously opens shower door to see Catweazle up to his neck in foamy water, and of course she faints.

 

Catweazle runs out , and into Cedric,
Cd " quick hide "
He pushes him behind plant on display around corner of adjacent corridor as Charles runs up.
Cd ( points to bathroom) " in there "
Charles runs in, Cedric grabs Catweazle and takes bathmat off him.
C " the sign of the bowman "
Cd " very well take it....now go !....down there turn left down stairs and out"
Catweazle runs off with mat. Charles is cradling Dotty now recovered on floor of bathroom,
LC " Dotty what happened?"
LyC ( mumbling ) " bubbles....bubbles...ghost.."
LC " funny time of the night to take a shower"

Back at Duck Halt Catweazle sits and shakes his head, turns to his toad,
C " I tell you truly Touchwood, magic rain, rising falling foaming and bubbling. It's a strange world where it rains inside houses, in little patches "
Poor Catweazle, it's all beyond him, but he smiles as he examines his latest acquisition, the bathmat.
C " Sagittarius...another sign"
THE END

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 22 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

S2 E10 THE WALKING TREES 

Cedric is on the platform of Duck Halt, the disused railway station that is home to Catweazle. He is about to enter waiting room when he hears shouts from inside. He opens the door ajar and peers in. Catweazle is in a rage, throwing things across the room, kicking stuff around, in a foul temper.
C "MALEDICTIONES SPIRITUUM MALEDICTIONES ZODIACI"
Cd " Catweazle?"
C ( shouts) " curses blind me, curse the zodiac."
Cd " Catweazle stop it"
C " I CANNOT FIND IT, WHY CAN I NOT FIND IT? I have looked everywhere, raised spirits raised demons, NOTHING WORKS "
Cd " don't be so childish "
C " Cross me NOT!"
Cd " behave yourself Catweazle "
C " STINKWEED"
Cd " it's not my fault you can't find Capricorn "
C " the sign of the goat thy itch"
Cd " alright then the sign of the goat. It's silly to give up now. And it's no good losing your temper is it?"
C " I'll never fly because I'll never find the 13 signs, it is all folly."
Catweazle finally calms down and sits.
Cd " you were doing so well"
C ( sighs) " oh that I had the divine egg"
Cd " divine egg?"
C " aye, the philosopher's stone the source of all power. Then I shall fly, find thy treasure, make gold and understand all things"
Cd " sounds pretty useful "
C " we of the secret path have searched for it since time was a baby"
Cd " no luck?"
C " trees will walk before it is found "
Cd " oh well, I'd look for the other signs if I were you "
C " thou art right Owlface "
Cd " feeling better?"
C " aye"
Cd " good, I've really come to warn you, don't go rummaging in the woods today, lie low"
C ( puzzled) " lie low?"
Cd " it's very complicated, they call it military exercises , with soldiers, keep out of sight"
C " aye my brother "
Cd " I'll see you tomorrow, good hunting "
Gary Warren is Cedric, Geoffrey Bayldon is Catweazle.

Edited March 23 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

At King's Farthing, home of the Collingfords, Cedric's dad, Lord Collingford and handyman Groome are both in military uniform in a room temporarily used as HQ for war games taking place in the woods. Both Charles and Groome are reservists.
The door of the room, usually the drawing room, opens and in walks Colonel Dickenson.
Col " hello Charles, everything ready?"
LC " yes I think so, have a look at the map. "
On the table is a huge map, of the woods, model soldiers on the map, model tanks, guns etc. Ready for War Games. Dickenson notices Groome.

Col " great scott, Groome isn't it?"
G " yes sir"
Col " at ease, with me in the desert weren't you, mentioned in despatches eh?"
G " er..yes sir"
Col " works for you does he Charles?"
LC " yes, runs the place, don't you Groome?"
G ( smiles) " yes my Lord "
An army field telephone rings, Charles answers.
LC " blue demon 1, valentine....good lad "
Lots of code spoken during these exercises.
LC " the umpires are ready Arnold"
Col " good I'll just pop down to see Jones. Better synchronise our watches "
All three, Groome too, checks watches.
Col " oh...darned thing has stopped , Groome are you Green or Blue Demon?"
Groome points to armband on his uniform sleeve, a green logo of a goat on a white background.
G " green demon sir "
Col " good man, come on"
Moray Watson is Lord Collingford , Peter Butterworth is Groome and John Welsh is Col Arnold Dickenson.

In the woods a company of soldiers is set up, jeeps, lots of boxes of ammo, a temporary wooden hut is green demon Command Post.
Inside hut at desk Sergeant Jones on field phone.
J " green demon command Sergeant Jones. ..what's that....sea platoon..code name..(looks in codebook)..cat dog tortoise "
Colonel Dickenson enters, Jones stands to attention.
Col " sit down Sergeant Jones relax. Now then Jones for the purpose of exercise Capricorn I'm promoting you"
J " me sir?"
Col " yes, what d'you want to be? Make you a major I suppose, got to encourage the part time soldier"
J " thank you sir"
Col " right you're in command here, let's synchronise watches ( checks watch)....darn things stopped again "
Tony Selby is Jones.

Edited March 23 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

Catweazle is in the woods looking for berries, when suddenly he gasps in astonishment, trees are walking!
Three trees, about 7 feet tall are slowly walking through the woods, one behind each other, but of course Catweazle can't see the small hole on the front side of each tree, air and viewing hole, for the soldiers inside these camouflage " tree" suits.

C " trees will walk and it be found! The stone, the philosopher's stone tis near"
Catweazle turns to tree next to him, a real tree naturally.
C " come O tree let us follow thy brothers "
Tree stubbornly remains still as Catweazle moves off!
C " art thou tired? Has thou come far ? Right, remain here, I will go"
Catweazle follows the three moving " trees".

At HQ at King's Farthing, Dickenson and Charles sit at opposite ends of map table, both with field telephones at the ready, controlling the exercise.
LC ( phone) " map reference oblique 6 yes, 294, blue demon 1 to blue demon 6, code badger ferret water rat"
Col ( phone) " green demon 1...well pull them out Jones pull them out..code beaver rabbit ferret "
Both make adjustments on the map, moving the model soldiers accordingly.
Col " we've just wiped out blue demon sea patrol "
LC " we'll we've just taken the sewage farm"
Col " going jolly well you know Charles"

Catweazle continues to follow trees through woods, keeping a distance, but in awe.
C " wondrous wondrous "
Sergeant, now Major Jones addresses men outside hut.
J " I want you to keep your eyes peeled for any suspicious looking civilians they could be blue demon spies intent on causing chaos and confusion. Right I'm issuing you lot with dummy grenades "
Jones opens box of grenades, views them puzzled,
J " wait a minute...wait a minute..who signed for these APB's...where's that docket "
Jones checks paper,
J " Mullery.....MULLERY!!"
M " sir"
J " you horrible man, you were told dummy grenades, ( shouts) THIS STUFF'S LIVE. The object of this exercise is not to kill people Mullery, BUT TO PRACTICE KILLING PEOPLE!"

Edited March 23 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

Dickenson and Charles study the map intently back at HQ.
Col ".......then I'll take out your forward positions"
LC " but you'll never cross the river, I'll blow up the bridge...boom"
Cedric enters with tray of sandwiches.
Col " ah good lad "
He places tray on table.
LC " not there Cedric that's no man's land"
Cd " sorry "

Cedric places tray on sideboard and comes over to look at map, Dickenson isn't too pleased,
Col " Charles?"
LC " erm..Cedric...coffee please "
Cedric reluctantly leaves,
Col " I suppose you'll be bringing up anti tank weapons "
LC " I might, if I've got any"
Col " have you "
LC " I might have, if you've got any tanks"
Col " alright I've got three tanks"
LC " I've got three anti tank guns"
Col ( sighs) " I wonder what idiot at HQ thought that one up......Charles?"
LC " yes Arnold?"
Col " HQ tell me you're using spies"
LC " yes that's right...one spy"
Col " so have we, I wonder what yours looks like"

Catweazle hidden behind tree spies the green demon Command Post in the woods, the fake trees he has followed have arrived, Groome is on guard as they enter encampment.
G " well done lads " as the trees pass him.
Catweazle takes toad out of pocket.
C " see Touchwood, it's a great magician's castle, one stands on guard "
Catweazle moves surreptitiously forward looking for a way passed Groome. Around the back of the hut that is HQ the three soldiers climb out of their camouflage tree suits, they leave the suits propped up on outside of hut and join other men in woods. Catweazle peers round corner of hut, creeps up to fake trees.
C " where is thy master ? Speak I command thee"
Suddenly a soldier grabs him from behind, and drags him into hut, Catweazle is thrown onto floor, Jones looks at him and smiles.
J " there what did I tell you, a blue demon spy if ever I saw one!"

Edited March 23 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

Colonel Dickenson on phone,
Col " excellent Jones, report in when you've questioned him. ( to Charles) got your spy Charles, fellow was creeping around green demon command post"

Jones has Catweazle sat opposite him for debriefing,
J " right then are you a blue demon?"
C " nay O great one"
J " you address me as Major. Well are you a green demon, one of us?"
C " aye tis so I am"
J " give the password...the word?..come on"
C " Shempamparash "
J " wrong it's Lucifer "
C ( awe) " Lucifer?!"
J " that makes you a blue demon. Name rank number. Let's start at the beginning, name?"
C " Catweazle "
J " no your real name you idiot"
The phone rings, Catweazle looks in wonder.
C " you have three telling bones"
J ( phone) " I am not interested in the frogmen I'm with a spy "
C " frogmen?"
J " now where were we"
C " has thou great powers "
J " I'm in charge of this command post if that's what you mean. Now for the last time what is your name?"
C " I am thy brother "
J " I suppose this is your idea of causing chaos and confusion. Right ( shouts) NUMBER RANK NAME"
C " what sayest thou?"
J " look I know you're supposed to be difficult but you've got to play fair. Number?"
C " nine "
J ( writes) " 9 good.....well..go on!"
C " tis the magic number "
Jones rapidly losing cool and becoming agitated.
J " alright what is your rank. You've got to tell me that "
C ( puzzled) " what are thou asking me?"
J " you go on like this and I'll call an umpire"
C " a demon?"
Jones is letting this get on top of him, head in hands, can't take much more of this.
J " no an umpire, YOU'RE A DEMON "
C " nay"
J " look are you an officer, warrant officer sergeant or what?"
C " can thoust fly?"
J " THIS IS THE ARMY, NOT THE BLOOMING AIR FORCE "
Jones tries to calm down, and writes on paper,
J " right, number 9, rank, refused to answer. Now then name?
C " Catweazle "

At HQ in King's Farthing Dickenson on phone to Jones.
Col " cat...weasel....that's code Jones "
J " yes sir but it don't make sense"
Cedric pouring coffee at sideboard reacts to hearing this, he quietly leaves room.

Catweazle offers Jones a banana.
J " I don't eat bananas "
Col " I don't eat bananas, okay Jones I'll work that code out "
J " no sir, I was talking to him. Do you think he's trying to confuse us?"
Col " more than likely Jones keep at him"
Colonel Dickenson looks through code book as does Charles,
Col " cat...advance "
LC " weasel...retreat "

Back at the command post,
J " it's only an exercise, you're not a real spy. I've got to put something on the report sheet"
C " thou has all thirteen signs "
J " of what?..hey I'm perfectly alright you'll never wear me down "
C " why art thou so angry"
J ( ballistic) " WHO ARE YOU!?"
C " Catweazle "
J " STAND UP, STAND UP, empty your pockets, come on empty them NOW"
Catweazle empties pockets of robe placing objects on table in front of Jones. Toothpaste, harmonica, rabbit bone, chalk and banana.
J ( perplexed) " no map, no compass"
C " tis all....bar Touchwood, you will not harm him? Tis my familiar, where is thine"
Catweazle places Touchwood on table.

Edited March 23 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

Cedric running through woods arrives at Command Post, Groome is on guard.
G " what are you doing here? This is a military zone"
Cd " where's the command centre"
G " can't tell you that "
Cd " you must it's a matter of life and death "
G " look we're in the middle of a war"
Cd " but there's been a terrible mistake "
G " sorry Cedric you gotta stay here with me"

Back at King's Farthing,
Col " you'll have to surrender Charles "
LC " rubbish "
Col " but you're surrounded "
LC " nonsense "
Col " face the facts man.( phone rings)...green demon 1"
J " Major Jones sir, I'm beginning to think we've made a bit of an error sir"
Col " what d'you mean Jones "
J " I'm beginning to think we picked up a real civilian by mistake sir , could be rather dangerous "
Col " don't be ridiculous Jones of course he's a blue demon "
J" but he's got a toad in his pocket sir and a tube of toothpaste "
Col " alright Jones I'm coming over. ( phone down)..Jones has cracked, battle fatigue"

Catweazle has opened up a box, curiosity again, it contains grenades, he picks one up. Jones puts phone down and sees this,
J." AAARRGGHH "
C " the divine egg, I knew you had it"
J ( desperately) " put it down "
C " but thou has many"
Catweazle tosses grenade from hand to hand.
C " now I shall fly"
Jones dives for cover under table.

C " why does thy hide?"
J " go away, go away"
C " then I may keep thy might stone of power"
J " look mate if you want to blow yourself up go outside and do it"
C " yes, blow up, into the skies"

 

Colonel Dickenson arrives at Command Post,
Soldier " Halt who goes there "
Col " Green demon 1"
Colonel enters and sees Jones cowering under desk,
Col " don't worry Jones it's all over as far as you're concerned "
J ( points to Cw) " sir..it's live and he's as mad as a hatter "
Dickenson turns to see Catweazle, the pin of the grenade looped over his thumb.

Col " give me that grenade "
C " tis mine, there's more for thee in box"
Col " come on there's a good chap"
C " I shall become invisible I shall fly"
J " we'll all fly if he pulls that pin out "
Col " shut up Jones "
C " pin? It is the divine egg, the philosopher's stone, farewell."
Catweazle runs out, soldiers see him with grenade and turn and run pronto.
C " truly I have the power "
Dickenson grabs phone,
Col " Green demon 1 to all posts a madman is in the woods, he's carrying a live grenade and intends blowing himself up. Come on Jones"

Edited March 23 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

Catweazle stands on a concrete bunker in the woods, holding grenade, looking skywards.
C " salmy dalmy adonay....Shempamparash "
Dickenson, Jones and couple of men look on from a safe distance.
Col " I'll do this, you stay here"
J " but sir"
Col " that's an order Jones, probably my last"
He walks up to Catweazle, looks up at him and smiles politely.
Col " don't do anything silly will you, not without asking me first."
C " who art thou"
Col " Lieutenant Colonel Dickenson "
C " where's the magician?"
Col " magician, no idea, be sensible old chap"
Catweazle notices the armband Dickenson is wearing, a green goat logo on it.
C " the sign of the goat"
Col " oh..do you want it?"
C " aye"
Dickenson is carrying a shooting stick , he takes off the armband, places it over the end of the stick and holds it up so Catweazle can reach the armband.
C " truly I have all the powers "
Col " can we have our bomb back"
C " nay"
Col " don't pull the pin out "
C ( pulls pin out) " what this?"
Col ( shouting ) " THROW IT THROW IT MAN, IT'S DANGEROUS GET RID OF IT DROP IT DROP IT"
Even Catweazle senses danger now, he drops it at Dickenson's feet, who using his shooting stick smashes grenade into the air, and straight into a well, where it explodes harmlessly.

J " are you alright sir "
Col " well my handicap is improving, hole in one eh?"
They look up at bunker roof, Catweazle is gone.

At Duck Halt Catweazle ponders on what happened. Cedric there too.
C " for a moment it was mine, the philosopher's stone, then it was gone"
Cd " it was a grenade Catweazle, a bomb, you could have got yourself killed"
C " but the trees walked"
Cd " er...never mind, you got the goat , thats the main thing"
C " the way is long, so many signs, so many spells, but one day it will be found "
Cd " the philosopher's stone you mean"
C aye, my brother....mayhap...mayhap "
THE END

Edited March 23 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

S2 E11 THE BATTLE OF THE GIANTS

In the disused railway station Duck Halt, home of Catweazle, he is not feeling too well. Huddled around a bubbling cauldron and sniffing, poor Catweazle has a cold.
Cedric, son of Lord and Lady Collingford is there , on the floor in a circle are ten objects , examples of ten of the signs of the zodiac that Catweazle has collected. Catweazle believes if he collects all 12 then the mysterious 13th sign he will fly like a bird. He believes this because of the " flying spell" that he translated, written on a wall of a priest hole at King's Farthing, home of the Collingfords, accessed through Cedric's bedroom ,written by Cedric's great grandfather in an ancient language. Cedric recites it,
Cd" twelve are they that circle round, if power you seek they must be found, look for where the Thirteenth lies, mount aloft the one who flies. Where will you find aquarius Catweazle?"
C ( sniffing)" Owlface, hold thou the open book"
Cedric picks up a book,
Cd " any ideas on the thirteenth sign?"
Catweazle shakes his head as he tries to read the book Cedric is holding up for him.
C " turn it, it is upside down "
Cd " sorry"
Gary Warren is Cedric

The book full of symbols in an ancient language is Catweazle's spells book , he studies a page and like following a recipe has a collection of ingredients in his hand.
Catweazle places objects into the cauldron as he names them;
C " toadflax, garlic, rue and yarrow, warm me to the very marrow "
Cd " you're not going to drink that!?"
C " cobwebs, soot and three small stones, (plopping in three stones), take this fever from my bones"
Cd " I'll get you proper medicine if you like "
C " nay it is done"

 

Catweazle picks up a wooden stirrer saying ,
C " yan, tan tethera "
Cd " what are you doing?"
C " I must stir the potion "
Cd " for how long?"
C " 9000 times.....widdershins *"
Cd " you'll never do it"
C " I must or it will not be fit to drink"
Cd " you'll be stirring for days, and you ought to be in bed"
C " aye"
Cd " wait , there's something in the house that can do that much quicker, a sort of magic stirrer "
C " electrickery?"
Cedric nods and smiles.
* counterclockwise
Geoffrey Bayldon is Catweazle.

Edited March 24 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

Lord and Lady Collingford are in their greenhouse tending the plants. Lord Collingford is more interested in a marrow that he has grown, he looks at it longingly, then measures it with a tape measure. A furrow crosses his brow, he's concerned with a marrow his gardener and handyman Groome is growing too.
LC " I think it must be that special fertiliser he's using, I'm worried Dotty"
LyC " fancy getting up at 3 in the morning to wrap the wretched thing in plastic "
LC " mine is pretty big though "
LyC " this horticultural war between you and Groome is becoming ridiculous "
* note- this episode could be subtitled ' spot the double entendres '
Moray Watson is Lord Collingford ( Charles). Elspet Gray is Lady Collingford (Dotty)

In the kitchen at King's Farthing, Groome the handyman is at the sink with a black bucket of dark liquid, his special fertiliser. Mavis Gowdy the housekeeper is there too preparing food for the Elderford garden fete, to be held in the grounds of King's Farthing.
MG " Mr Groome will you please take that horrible stuff outside "
Gr " what d'you mean horrible stuff, this is my special marrow fertiliser, won me first prize last year......don't suppose you'd be interested in my marrow Mavis, would you?"
MG " I thought you were supposed to be setting up the marquee"
Gr " it's up, anyway I'm going to win first prize this year. Mavis you wait until you see it, it's really beautiful, every inch a champion. His Lordship doesn't stand a chance"
Peter Butterworth is Groome, Gwen Nelson is Mavis Gowdy.

Back in the greenhouse,
LC " colour is very good"
LyC " anyone would think the entire Elderford show revolves around the marrow competition "
LC " no blemishes anywhere "
LyC " thank heavens it'll be decided one way or the other today"
LC (lifting up marrow) " I wonder how much mine weighs "
Dotty rolls her eyes up and leaves Charles to his silly marrow obsession.

Edited March 24 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

In the kitchen Groome is in the pantry secretly eating one of Mrs Gowdy's scones when in creeps Cedric, black bucket in hand with Catweazle's potion in it. He puts bucket on worktop and picks up electric cake mixer. Groome sneaks up behind him.

Gr " here, what are you up to?"
Cd " I'm mixing something "
Gr " you shouldn't be using that mixer "
Cd " only for a minute "
Gr " what is it?"
Cd " erm...an experiment "
Gr " not fertiliser is it"
Cd " oh no."
Gr " how's his Lordship's marrow?"
Cd " it's enormous, how's yours "
Gr " bigger than his"
Cedric starts mixing, then horror, footsteps are heard, Cedric passes the mixer to Groome just as Mrs Gowdy returns.
MG ( shouts) " Mr Groome HOW DARE YOU. My cake mixer covered in fertiliser, GET OUT of my kitchen and take this with you."
She hands Groome a bucket.
MG " and you too Cedric "
Cedric and Groome leave pronto.
MG " marrows indeed, they're all marrow mad"

Edited March 24 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

Catweazle is on the ground sitting by a tree about 200 yards from the mansion, Cedric arrives with the bucket.
C " has thou brought the magic stirrer"
Cd " don't be silly, where would I plug it in"
C " plug it in!?"
Cd " I've mixed the potion for you"

Catweazle has a red mug , he helps himself to some potion , meanwhile Groome is in his own small greenhouse holding a sponge that he dips into his bucket and then wrings it out onto his marrow. He sniffs, and smells the bucket something is wrong.
Catweazle spits out the potion in disgust.
C " thou four eyed ferret "
Cd " I knew it would taste bad, look at all the stuff you put in it "
C ( angry)" WHERE IS MY POTION?"
Cd " here"
C " thou noseless fox, can thou not smell"
Cedric sniffs bucket.
Cd " crumbs, we've got the wrong bucket!!...come on.."
They run to Groome's greenhouse. Groome has gone, they enter greenhouse. Cedric stares at marrow, it's grown, its FOUR feet long. Catweazle sees his bucket and dips his red mug into potion and drinks.
C " ah...tis good"
Cd " look Catweazle, the marrow, what's happened, it was big this morning but not this big"
C " it is a potent potion indeed"
Cd " but not on marrows surely "
C " toadflax, garlic rue and yarrow warm me to the very marrow, remember "
Cd " it's crazy, this isn't bone marrow it's vegetable marrow "
C " perhaps, but magic is magic "
Cd " listen Catweazle there's only one thing we can do, balance things up, put some of this on Dad's."
They leave greenhouse, moments later Groome returns and enters. He stares at marrow, rubs his eyes, and stares again.
Gr (shouts in panic) " MAVIS.....MAVIS" , and runs out.

In the grounds of King's Farthing everything is ready for the fete, tents are up, stalls are laid out, food and games stalls, everything for a fun afternoon at a country village fete. Catweazle is puzzled by a table with food on it , the food on plates are hot dogs. Catweazle picks one up, and then reads the sign pinned to the table. Cedric has taught him rudimentary reading. Cedric arrives.
C " Owlface....it says hot dogs!?"
Cd " yes that's right well done "
C " hot dogs?!!"
Cd " to eat.."
C " urgh!!" Catweazle throws hot dog away.

In kitchen Groome runs in,
Gr" Mavis..my marrow.....it's four feet long , FOUR feet I tell you I've been singled out"
MG " yes, of course it is ...er sit down Henry I'll make you a nice cup of tea"

Gr " never seen anything like it , must be the biggest in the world. ( shouts) AND IT'S MINE, ALL MINE. Must go and see if it's okay"
Groome runs out arms waving shouting.
Gr " four foot long , four foot long"
MG ( scoffing) " ha ! four feet long indeed"

Edited March 24 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

In the main greenhouse Cedric is ready to pour potion on his father's marrow.
Cd " sure you can spare it"
C " take it my brother I am well again. It is a good potion, I have made it many times "
Cd " when?"
C " 900 years ago "
Cd " erm..yes I know, okay here goes"
Cedric starts pouring,
Cd " keep your fingers crossed "

Dotty and Charles meet near the marquee
LC " I think I'll leave mine to the last minute until cutting it, they can grow even on the last day"
Dotty is not really listening but looking at a clipboard making sure everything is ready for the fete.

LyC " yes dear..very interesting.....when is Archie coming to judge the vegetables?"
LC " five"
LyC " hang on, he's doing the tomatoes at four thirty. Really Charles there are other things besides marrows "

 

Groome has arrived back at his greenhouse,
Gr "....four foot long....four foot long"
But it isn't anymore, it's BIGGER and smashing it's way out of the greenhouse.

Lord Collingford arrives at his greenhouse, the same thing, he stares at his marrow it's 6 feet long.

Groome runs into kitchen.
Gr " 6 feet long Mavis, it's 6 feet long"
MG " you said four"
Gr " that was an hour ago!"
Groome looks distressed ,it's getting a bit too much to take in.
MG " pull yourself together Henry, you're letting this marrow thing get on top of you"
Gr " it's a judgement from on high, that's what it is , ( blubbering) where will it end "

Groome leaves muttering to himself as Dotty enters.
LyC " what's the matter with Groome "
MG " it's his marrow m' lady "
LyC " is that all"
MG " it's very serious, he's obsessed with the idea it's 6 feet long, and he believes it "
LyC " it's utterly ridiculous, they've got marrows on the brain"
Charles enters looking anxious,
LC " Dotty darling, can I have a word in private. It's about my marrow "

Edited March 24 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

Back at Lord Collingford's greenhouse the marrow like Groome's has smashed a window as it grows. Cedric and Catweazle look on.

Cd " you've got to stop it!"
C " stop it?!"
Cd " how big is it going to get?"
C " nay brother I know not"
Cd " it's running amok, Catweazle you've got to do something!"
C " aye Owlface, I must make more potion "
Cd " what d'you want more potion for"
C " can thou not guess"
Cd " no"
C " the food I love most "
Cd " not bananas?!"
C ( joyfully)" YES BANANAS, MIGHTY BANANAS"
Catweazle runs off,
C " great bananas.....bananas..."

At the fete a van parks on the field near the marquee, the sign on the side of the van says GOODWINS NURSERIES, proprietor Archie Goodwin. Archie gets out, opens the back of his van and takes out a wooden crate full of vegetables , he sees Cedric.
Ar " hello Cedric old boy, where's your dad, don't tell me , I expect he's busy."
Cd " yes Mr Goodwin "
Ar " take these in the kitchen dear boy, and mind the marrow"
There's a marrow among Archie's vegetables that he has grown.
Ar " bet you won't see one like that this afternoon "
Cedric leaves and Lord Collingford greets Archie.
LC " glad you could make it Archie"
Ar " I always do don't I , how's your marrow?"
LC " dreadful "
Ar " sorry to hear that, so you won't enter it then?"
LC " enter it?"
Ar " for the competition "
LC " no I can't, it's far too big"
Ar " too big!?"
LC " 10 feet long and 4 feet thick!"
Arthur Lovegrove is Archie Goodwin.

At Duck Halt, Catweazle has brewed up another cauldron of potion, he has a bunch of bananas tied to a pole, he dips them in saying.
C " bananas bananas...grow mighty bananas "
Groome turns up at the fete, looking concerned as Archie approaches him still chuckling from his encounter with Charles
Ar " good afternoon Mr Groome how's YOUR marrow?"
Gr " you wouldn't believe me"
Ar ( laughing) " you can't catch me with that one, it's 10 feet long and coming out of the greenhouse"

Edited March 24 by HawkMan

[HawkMan]

Lord Collingford and Groome meet halfway between their greenhouses.
Gr " I have something to tell you your Lordship "
LC " go ahead Groome "
Gr " it's about my marrow "
LC " go on"
Gr" it's 10 feet long"
LC " so is mine!!"
They march off to Groome's greenhouse.

The marrow doesn't seem to have grown any more.
Gr " I think it's stopped growing "
LC " thank heaven for that, hopefully mine has too."
Gr " on the other hand it might just be resting "
LC " we can't risk it Groome, we must be ruthless"
Gr " ruthless my Lord?"
LC " we must chop them up and throw them in the moat "
Gr " if you say so my Lord "
Suddenly they hear a bubbling burbling noise, the marrow has shrunk to half it's size. Groome runs into the greenhouse and picks up a knife.
Gr " ten minutes to judging time "
LC " what are you doing?"
Gr " cutting the root, might stop it shrinking "
LC " what about mine"
Gr " you better get back to your own one my Lord , competition isn't over yet"
LC ( shaking fist)" GROOME ...why you...."

In the main marquee Archie is judging the tomatoes, holding a tomato in each hand, he addresses the winner of this particular competition, an old lady.
Ar " a very high standard , you obviously buy your tomato plants at Goodwin's Nurseries "
Lady Collingford, Cedric and Mrs Gowdy watch on among the audience who applaud the proceedings.
LyC ( to Cedric) " if your father doesn't hurry up it'll be over before he gets here "

Ar " and now the marrows "
Archie moves over to a table full of marrows, he pats his own one proudly, the largest one on the table. Cedric jaw drops in surprise as he notices what the winner of this competition gets. It's a porcelain statue, about two foot high, he runs out of the marquee.
Meanwhile Charles has arrived at his greenhouse, his marrow is much smaller now too.
LC " great scott, mine has shrunk more than his"
He gets a knife and starts cutting the root.

Back at Duck Halt in the waiting room that is his home Catweazle removes the bananas from the cauldron, they haven't grown. Sadly he addresses Touchwood his toad.
C " nay Touchwood, I have not the spirit of electrickery , the magic wand to stir 9000 times. No great bananas, twas but another dream. Nothing works, nothing works doth it Touchwood"

Edited March 24 by HawkMan