The Conservative Party have made the brave and selfless decision to save money by not providing free school lunches to children. They have been severely criticised by, among others, Jamie Oliver, who seems to think food and education should just be handed out willy-nilly to any child who says, “Please sir, can I have some more, sir?”
Here’s why I think the Tories were 100% RIGHT to scrap free school lunches:
1. Wages are currently growing at 2.1% per annum; inflation is running at 2.6%. Therefore, it is extremely unlikely that when today’s children reach adulthood they will be able to afford to eat more than once a month, so it’s essential that they start practicing now. This one time I saw a David Attenborough programme about a snake that only eats every six weeks so children could do it if they really wanted to.
2. Tackling childhood obesity. In Ethiopia, there is very little childhood obesity. Why? They know how to starve children properly. Even foreigners get some things right.
3. Smaller children will be able to fit up chimneys and down mines more easily. A tiny child can easily crawl beneath a cotton loom to unpick the fibres with their nimble little fingers, but some fat porker whose ribs can’t even be seen will just get lodged down there and have to be hacked out with a machete, and the blood and screams will only distract others from their labour. Therefore, smaller children will benefit the economy enormously as they can do the jobs that are too dangerous for grown-ups, animals or robots.
4. Less food wasted on children means more elaborate feasts for me. I'm 59 years old and I've never even eaten a swan stuffed with a pheasant and then a goose and then a duck and then a mallard and then a guinea fowl and then a chicken and then a pheasant again and then a partridge and then maybe a pigeon and then a quail. I am embarrassed.
5. Food helps children learn. Educated children will question the status quo and wonder why some people are allowed to have thousands of millions of pounds sitting in foreign bank accounts doing nothing while the people who helped create that wealth must rely on food banks and hand-outs to survive. I'm not rich, but who knows, one day I might somehow become a billionaire because I invented a time travel app or something. Stunting the brains of a few kids I don't know is a price I'm willing to pay to keep the remote possibility of future massive tax avoidance alive.
6. Children contribute nothing to the economy, why should they receive anything? Government is for hard-working families, not tiny sponges. SpongeBob Squarepants has turned a whole generation of children into soaker-uppers of wealth and resources, it has to stop NOW!
7. When children are severely malnourished, their abdomens may become distended as their liver swells, as part of a condition called kwashiorkor. Don’t tell me that isn’t totally adorable! The British people are being denied the pleasure of seeing incredibly cute children with big bulging eyes staggering through our city centres begging for food or selling their bodies in exchange for half a Kit Kat.
8. We only have the sixth biggest economy in the world. Only the top 2 or 3 richest countries can afford to feed their children.