Futtocks

The UK sneaked onto the left hand column of the jury votes, then got sweet FA in the public vote (the only contestant to do so). The UK gave Israel the maximum 12 points in the public vote because, as the majority of the gutter press will tell you, we're living in a viciously brown anti-Semitic caliphate.

Sweden: Marcus & Martinus are a simultaneously childlike and gnarled pair of twins. The song is Unforgettable. The song is forgettable. Hosting Eurovision is expensive. Ukraine: rated as a good chance of doing well, Jerry Heil flubs a few high notes, but then settles into something that probably translates as "Putin has a very small winkie" while being windswept atop the world's largest doorstop. Alyona Alyona provides the rap which would actually sound decent if I knew what she was saying. Germany: Isaak sits by a brazier like he's waiting for Arthur Scargill to turn up and provide a blistering solo on the euphemism. The song sounds a lot like they recycled a few successful songs from the last couple of years of Eurovision. Luxembourg: I liked them in the semi-final. Bouncy, danceable, jazzy fun. Plus she she can actually hit a high note unlike some of the more painful diva-esque ululaters. Rubbish graphics, mind. Netherlands: a tumbleweed rolls across the stage. Israel: Lots of dramatic dry ice for this power ballad. Given the pressure this teenage singer's under just because of her nationality, her performance is nervelessy immaculate. Politics aside, a trouper. Lithuania: first really silly trousers of the evening klaxon! One for the dance floors of Summer 2024. The nose jewellery does make me think of Robbie Fowler, though. Spain: Oh joy, a Keytar! This is very 'Eurotrash' in a good way, and she's got the crowd chanting along, which is a great sign. Chunky male dancers in thongs doing somersaults and the splits is extremely on-message. Estonia: I still haven't forgiven them for not sending Winny Puuh to Eurovision a few years ago with "Meiecundimees üks Korsakov läks eile Lätti". This year's offering is a bit laddish and they all look like hired goons from an ultra-cheap Stephen Seagal inaction flick shot in Eastern Europe for tax reasons. Ireland: I called Bambie Thug "Full Metal Lene Lovich" at the semi-finals and I stand by this assessment. Latvia: An AI construct called "Dons" stands in a toilet roll sporting a blue breastplate/chinos combo. A good rendition of a song that's a bit too safe. Age him twenty years, and he'll look like one of those slightly mad managers from the African Cup of Nations, throbbing forehead vein and all. Greece: Purple lamé Depends are "a look", I suppose. She's playing up the folky accents on a very electronic track and the performance has got tons of energy, but the song's lacking a really good hook. United Kingdom: This is all very well-meaning, but it sounds like it was written by someone who owed Louis Walsh money. His wispy little voice isn't selling it much either. The staging's certainly eye-catching. A mid-table finish would be a good result. Norway: If they don't win, will this be a scandal called Gåtegate? Someone's playing an instrument that's a bit hurdy-gurdyish, but it's more of a stadium rock track for moody people who only wear black clothes but get very snippy when you call them Goths. Italy: Angelino Mango with a fruity little number. Did you see what I did there? Oh, suit yourself. Seriously, this does have high-finishing potential. It grabs you while it's on, although it doesn't last long after. Serbia: This doomy ballad didn't get to me in the semi-final. Nothing has changed since Tuesday evening. Finland: Oh no! it's the Zany Funsters! Portugal: Masked dancers again (which was the fashion of the time). Another song that's hard to really criticise but also hard to remember. Armenia: Where everyone is called Ian. The group is named after a budget Eastern European off-road vehicle. This is one of those bouncy folk-pop numbers that could be enhanced by some top-heavy Polish milk-churners. Yes, you know exactly what I'm referring to, you dirty beggar. Cyprus: Australia didn't make it through the semis, but the singer here's an Aussie, so expect plenty of votes from the convicts when we tot up later. The song itself is a cookie-cutter Euro-banger, but that's not important right now. Switzerland: He's wearing a skirt, so he's every Express/Mail reader's confirmation that the barbarians are at the gates and we'll all be murdered in our beds or something. A heavy favourite for everyone else. Slovenia: Raiven looks like an incidental character from "The Lexx" and there's a bit of sub-Ken Russell writhing going on with the scantily-clad young men of the dance troupe. I doubt this would have happened with the Lionel Blair Dancers. Ooh, I dunno though, thinking about it. Croatia: Here's the favourite and you can see why. It gets the crowd up on its feet. Shameless and all the better for it. Georgia: A songa love? Maybe, but the singer's Nutsa! Actually quite an intense performance and I think it will finish in the left hand column by the end of the show. France: it's Bailar Crais from Farscape* in a wafty cheesecloth blouse and a big wibbly-wobbly stadium ballad. Repetitive, but it seems to be going down well in the venue. *references, as always, strictly for the teenagers. Austria: I'm running short of Bacofoil too. Must add that to the shopping list. The song's not great, but at least it's finishing off this first part of the show on a high energy spike, which is absolutely appropriate.

Bambie Thug said in a post to Instagram that they have raised "multiple complaints" to Eurovision organisers over "instances" they have experienced this week. Bambie claimed that the Eurovision Broadcasting Union (EBU) earlier confirmed to their delegation that Israeli broadcaster Kan had "broken the rules of conduct during the Eurovision semi-final 1". This might match with rumours from Friday of a group claiming to be from the Israeli media trying to provoke people backstage during the rehearsals.

Kevin Keegan, God bless him, once came up with "He's using his strength and that is his strength, his strength."

Johnstone, to quote David Coleman (probably), "opens his legs and shows us his class".

I think they have talented players, but there were some very tentative strokes played. I hope they can make this a good close series.

Leeds are still very much in this. Mind you, that's the same as Huddersfield were in the first half earlier today.

It'll find its level, given time. Which will probably be pretty much was it was in the past - an occasional attempt to second-guess the opposition.

Pakistan 110 all out. A mixture of loose shots in some cases and good bowling/fielding in others.

Pakistan are chasing 164, so somebody evidently got their on with business while I was watching Huddersfield v Wigan. Pakistan are currently 66 for 3 on 7.4 overs.

Bad half time talk for the Giants? They were far better in the first half.

Possibly forward, but a cute and effective flick.

Lovely hands there for Marshall's hat-trick!

French in again.

Nice second try for Marshall.