The cheesy B-Movie thread

[Futtocks]

Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death (1989)
Starring Shannon Tweed, the iron horse of Skinemax, you might expect this to be another softcore flick, but apart from the opening scene, clothes are in evidence throughout, although some might find Bill Maher dressed only in purple underpants too much.
An adventure comedy that references 'Heart of Darkness' with a touch of 'Indiana Jones'.

Apart from Tweed and Maher, the other main characters are Bunny (played with great gusto by Karen Waldron) and Kurtz (played by Adrienne Barbeau, who's been in everything from 'Grease' to 'The Fog' to 'Sons of Anarchy').

Based on this evidence, Shannon Tweed might have done quite well with more comedic roles, as she plays an uptight, doctrinaire feminist that could have easily stepped over the line into haranguing harridan, but doesn't. In a way, she reminds me of Sandahl Bergman's wonderfully awkward turn in 'Hell comes to Frogtown'. Maher is the Incompetent Indy, a lecherous and clumsy chauvinist who has a past with Tweed's professor lady. Bunny starts off as the archetypal airhead and... doesn't progress a lot from there, but just enough to advance the plot.

The plot, you say? Oh, if you must. The US military ask Tweed to travel into the "Uncharted Avocado Jungle" of California, to try and make a deal with the cannibalistic Piranha Women, whose activities are damaging the nation's output of a dull but inexplicably fashionable foodstuff. The previous expedition, led by fellow Women's Studies professor Kurtz (geddit!?!) never returned... and all that was left of a rescue mission troop of marines were a pile of dogtags smeared with guacamole.

So the professor and the guide bicker, Bunny (who is quite adorable, if a little too eager to reveal details of her personal life) tags along and eventually they meet a tribe of wimpy men, called the Donahues. Maher teaches them to drink beer and make sexist remarks, which leads to another row with Tweed. The Donahues are never mentioned again. Then the intrepid trio get captured by the Piranha Women and it turns out that Professor Kurtz has (surprise, surprise) become their leader.

Tweed escapes and falls into the company of the barracuda Women, who are the sworn enemies of the Piranha Women. Tweed thinks this is because they are anti-cannibalism, but it turns out that the deadly enmity is down to a difference of opinions about which dip to serve with their freshly-cooked male. A bit like the war between Lilliput and Blefuscu in its satirical pettiness. Still, they have an army and they get into the Piranha Women's temple, so Tweed and Barbeau can duel to the death in one of the worst fencing matches in cinematic history.

Tweed wins, the three adventurers head home, Bunny marries Bill and Tweed has brought a jungle hunk of her own home to enrol into gender relationship studies. Actual college studies, not a euphonium for shagging. No, really!

Edited November 30, 2019 by Futtocks

[Futtocks]

I just watched Robo Vampire (1988) from beginning to end. But ask me what it was about, and I'd have to admit defeat. There are wierd movies, Godfrey Ho movies... then there are Godfrey Ho movies that even he thinks are a bit nuts.
There's a lady ghost whose see-through blouse is countered by her having the face of Tony Curtis in Some like it hot. There are plenty of Chinese hopping vampires, but one of them is wearing a gorilla costume. There's two different storylines, and the actors from #1 never appear in the same scenes as those from #2. The same characters get killed more than once. There are, you'll be relieved to know, no robo vampires in Robo Vampire. But things go bang a lot, which is nice.
In the end, I think the good guys won, but I wouldn't wager a rusty piastre on it.

[Futtocks]

Twin Dragon Encounter (1986)

Ahhh, the sweet maple-syrupy stench of Canucksploitation! Twin martial artists who look a bit like Graeme Souness. Only without the nuanced thespian chops.

Leaden, clichéd, preposterous, witless, but lots of kicky fighting. Like a lot of movie-makers who have genuine martial arts skill, they think that'll carry the movie on its own. Happily, it does not. Neither do the downright peculiar sound effects.

Our heroes, delivering their lines with all the animation of a voice synthesiser, head out to the woods with their laydeez for a week's holiday. Right at the start, they have a run-in with a bunch of militaristic gun-nuts, who vow revenge. Despite this, the brothers ignore the repeated threats, the nearby gunshots and the fact that they know the baddies are aware of the location of the holiday cabin, and go off in a canoe for a spot of fishing.

So the ladies are kidnapped, and I'm sure you are as shocked as I was that this happened. 

Cue threats, revenge, Rambo*-style ambushes in the woods and many appearances of rockin' action choons. Glorious!

*more like 'Deadly Prey' than 'Rambo', to be honest.

 

[Futtocks]

Well, Wakaliwood were generous enough to release their latest action epic "Bad Black" on YouTube... and promptly got their Twitter account closed down (possibly because of the title?). Given some of the vile ###### that Twitter seems to think is perfectly okay, this decision sucks some ugly dog balls.

Here's the movie, complete with voiceover by the wonderful VJ Emmie.

 

[Futtocks]

Think Big (1989)

The same two steroid casualties that lit up the screen in The Barbarians had another inexplicable celluloid vehicle with this tale of two mulleted meat-heid truckers, who... oh, who cares. They're trying to be funny in this movie, a bad decision that is first evident in their (very long) rap theme tune.

Stap me, this is dumb. If the dialogue was any more intelligent, it would go "buhhh?" These are the dopes who thought slapping their hands together and barking like seals was a great social ice-breaker in their other film. 

Here are our two heroes, the Paul brothers. Got the picture?

While the other cast members aren't as musclebound, you get an appearance phoned in by David "wankstrangle" Carradine, Jean-Claude van Damme...'s wife, Michael Winslow from Police Academy, Claudia Christian from Babylon 5, a German talk-show host, Richard Kiel from Eegah and some Bond flicks, and OMG David Bowie! Oh, sorry, David Bowe. He was in PEN15 and one episode of The Larry Sanders Show, you know. Also Martin Mull and Richard Moll. Or was it Richard Mull and Martin Moll?

The story begins with the two lumpy oafs transporting toxic waste from Montana to Los Angeles, when an escaped teenage genius stows away on their rig. This girl has a McGuffin that can remotely control any electronic device. Wacky shenanigans ensue! Urghhh.

"If you think we are just two big dumb guys, you're wrong. We are two huge dumb guys!" 

 

 

[Futtocks]

Breaking news! From a week or so ago! @Wakaliwood have had their Twitter account re-instated. Yay! Then one of the first things they did was report a Tweet from Twitter themselves, so we'll wait and see how long the detente lasts.

Back to the matter of the moment

Dellamorte Dellamore (1994) aka Cemetery Man
Currently available on Amazon Prime.

Oddball horror comedy set in Italy, starring Rupert Everett* and Anna Falchi.

Everett's character works in an Italian cemetery, where the dead come back to life after seven days. His job, along with his giant idiot assistant Gnaghi, is to make sure nobody finds out and to administer the standard zombie-stopping head-shot before re-inhuming the evidence.

He falls for a beautiful young widow and they do energetic and symbolic sex, before her rotting ex-husband comes back and kills her. Or does he? Anyhoo, boobs, blood and internal monologues ensue. His character's supposed to be impotent, but Anna doesn't seem to have much trouble filling that plot hole.

Then things get complicated, as Gnaghi falls for the remains of the mayor's daughter. A lot of zombie boy scouts get shot through the noggin at this point too. Always a plus.

Then we're in psychological thriller territory, where Everett considers the benefits of shooting people in the head before they are dead. His best friend, however, insists on taking credit for the murders, and Anna Falchi (who has something of a Sophia Loren vibe) returns in two different roles as the cemetery man's temptress. There are conversations with the Reaper at a couple of points. The whole thing does get artily confused and loses focus at times towards the end, but this is still an enjoyably offbeat piece of work mos of the time.

*in my father's teaching days, he encountered "The Ev" and he was a thoroughly poisonous brat. Dad once ground an apple core into his head for being obnoxious during class. Everett's early acting career showed similar unlikeable qualities, but he seems to have got his act together and is now a popular guy, as far as I can tell.

[Futtocks]

Lockdown is biting hard - I'm watching Ishtar.

Actually (so far, at least) it isn't all that terrible.

[Futtocks]

Recently, I watched Freaked (1993), but didn't post about it.
Randy Quaid (wait, come back! he's good in this!) plays the owner of a freak show. Alex Winter (Bill & Ted) plays a washed out actor looking for a quick buck.

Alex is offered serious money to be the face of a toxic chemical that is banned in the USA and Europe. He's desperate, so he agrees. On a PR tour, he meets Julie, an environmental campaigner and, despite their differences, they end up in the same car with Alex's dopey friend. Spotting the freak show, they go to have a look, and Quaid captures them.

He uses (surprise!) the toxic chemical to turn Julie and idiot pal into a conjoined body. Alex is turned into Beast Boy. They meet the other freaks, including Mr T as the bearded lady, Bobcat Goldthwaite as sock-head and an uncredited Keanu Reeves as the dog-boy. Together they plot escape and revenge. All the time, they are aided and annoyed in equal amounts by an obsessive little fan-kid.

This has the same manic and chaotic energy as 'Nothing but Trouble', but a more coherent plot. Some of the effects are silly, squishy, gross and imaginative, and Brooke Shields puts in a good turn as the movie's book-ending chat show host.

I wasn't surprised to see the Chiodo brothers credited as part of the production, as some of the humour and visual style is reminiscent of the excellent 'Killer Klowns from Outer Space'.

Definitely worth a watch, if you can track down a copy.

[Futtocks]

On 16/05/2020 at 13:06, Futtocks said:

Lockdown is biting hard - I'm watching Ishtar.

Actually (so far, at least) it isn't all that terrible.

Update: it sagged horribly in the middle, then picked up to come to an okay finish.

So then I watched The Salute of the Jugger (1989) aka The Blood of Heroes

This is an Australian post-apocalyptic movie which isn't 'Mad Max'. Rutger Hauer is the leader of a band of wandering "Juggers", who are players of a violent game that combines American Football and gladiatorial combat. They wander the wasteland from village to village, challenging local teams for small rewards and hospitality. Players too injured to remain in the team are abandoned in the desert.

Joan Chen plays a young village girl with dreams of playing in the big city league, so she follows Hauer's troupe and is eventually given a trial match. Then it is revealed that Hauer used to play in the big league, but was disgraced and cast out of the subterranean city. There's plenty of cliched sports movie about this, just transposed to the future, but the cast lift it a bit. Hauer and Chen are joined in the cast by Delroy Lindo, Vincent d'Onofrio, and several other good character actors. Unfortunately, Hugh Keays-Byrne (aka the Toecutter) is badly wasted playing an insipid villain.

The game is short on flashy moves but has lots of grunty violence; you win by ramming a dog's skull onto a wooden stake to win. Every player is physically and psychologically scarred, and you know this is a short and brutal career. Absolutely everyone gets the #### beaten out of them at least once, and give it right back. At the start, Chen's character only wants to play in the big league and sleep under silk sheets, but she comes to realise that there's more to playing the game than personal gain.

Not great, but better than your average post-apocalyptic actioner - worth a watch, if you're in the mood.

Edited May 17, 2020 by Futtocks

[Futtocks]

Solarbabies (1986)

In a post-apocalyptic future, the population is under the thumb of a nasty bunch who control the water supply. Okay, not original, but a tried and tested set-up.

It starts in a child labour camp for orphans, where the main recreation is a sport that is played on rollerskates and is sorta hockey, sorta lacrosse. Rollerball for the kiddies, in other words.

The main Black Hat is played by the underrated Richard Jordan, who has his pet team of future goons, The Scorpions. Their captain is the Billy Zabka of the movie, a classic villain's second banana in training.
 
Trouble is, they keep getting beaten by the Solarbabies, the popular underdogs and the heroes of the story. There's the obvious leading man, the big tough guy, the cute girl (what a crush I had on teenage Jami Gertz when I originally saw this), the black kid (yes, he does some body-popping) and the sceptical brain guy (yes, he wears glasses). There is also a mystical loner, in the then-fashionable Native American style, which everyone was doing back then. He has a pet owl.

Then there's their mascot, a deaf little boy who discovers a glowing sphere in a tunnel, which restores his hearing.

Mascot takes the sphere back to their prison compound, where it demonstrates powers and stuff. Mystical loner steals the sphere and escapes. In the confusion, mascot escapes too. The Solarbabies then escape to rescue mascot.

Mystical loner finds his tribe, but it is attacked and his owl is killed. Jami Gertz finds her tribe, but they all decide to go back and rescue the sphere, as much to shut the mascot up as anything.

You can pretty much write the rest yourself. Vaguely eco-oriented escapism for all the family, apart from when Richard Jordan gets mangled by a robot.

As well as Gertz, the cast contains a bunch of future sorta-stars, like Adrian Pasdar, Lukas Haas and Jason Patric. Alexei Sayle appears as a bounty hunter, by the way.

Theme tune by Smokey Robinson? I don't remember that!

[Futtocks]

Gyo: Tokyo Fish Attack (2012)
Okay, this is an odd one. And I mean an odd one, even by Japanese anime standards. Three girls (the tarty one, the bookworm and the obvious heroine) go on holiday, just as Japan is attacked by fish on weird scuttling segmented legs. 

As well as the larger fish and sharks physically attacking people, they also spread a disease that makes people bloat up, turn green and emit noxious gases. There used to be a kebab shop down the road from me that could do that.

Kaori, the heroine, hooks up with Shirakawa, a photographer to, try and find her fiance in Tokyo. Meanwhile, it gets really ugly between the other two girls, as the trampy one gets infected and the Velma tries to escape from her.

Soon, infected humans are taken over by whatever was controlling the fish and running wild on their insectoid legs. There's tentacles and body-horror stuff. Kaori and Shirakawa discover that her fiance's scientist father claims to have created the leg-things, using the bacteria to render the host bodies passive, apart from expelling gas. Cats and dogs are taken over by the smaller machines.

There isn't a happy ending.

Edited May 23, 2020 by Futtocks

[Futtocks]

This evening at 7pm (UK time), the latest Wakaliwood movie premieres, and it can be watched free here, courtesy of the 'We are One' film festival.

 

[Futtocks]

The Banana Splits Movie (2019)

A comedy horror, based on the stars of beloved children's TV show gone insane and malevolent. No, not a Noel Edmonds biopic, but the story of an obsessive kid fan who gets mixed up in what happens when a long-lasting institution gets cancelled by a slimy Alpha Fail on a power trip.

A bit clunky, but good messy fun.

[Futtocks]

Twisted Pair (2018)

Directed by Neil Breen. If you know Neil Breen's past output, all I have to say is that this latest movie ramps up the Breeniness to another level.

If you don't, this is the story of twins who were abducted by aliens and given AI/cybernetic enhancements. One is a failure, and becomes a vigilante outcast. The other becomes a secret agent, dedicated to saving the human race. They are both played by writer/producer/director/editor/caterer/everything else Neil Breen, but you can tell them apart because one of them wears an hilariously fake beard/moustache combo where you can see the glue holding it on.

The main bad guy is called Cuzzx. He likes to fondle fake diamonds and talk like his voice has been fed through a cheap filter effect. 

If I told you any more, I'd have to kill you.

[Copa]

I watched Disco Godfather (1979) the other day and enjoyed it immensely. Very cheesy and the disco scenes and music is wonderful.

The trailer:

From Wikipedia:

Commonly considered a blaxploitation film, the plot centers on Moore's character, a retired cop who owns and operates a disco and tries to shut down the local angel dust (PCP) dealer after his nephew (Julius Carry) gets "whacked out" on the drug. Another PCP user's claim to have served her own baby as Easter dinner constitutes a version of the urban legendknown as "The Baby-Roast."

The Disco Godfather's trademark phrase is his encouragement of the disco patrons to "Put your weight on it, put your weight on it, put your weight on it!".

The film also served as the debut of Keith David, who has an unbilled bit part as a patron in the nightclub.

Edited June 15, 2020 by Copa

[Futtocks]

6 hours ago, Copa said:

I watched Disco Godfather (1979) the other day and enjoyed it immensely. Very cheesy and the disco scenes and music is wonderful.

The trailer:

From Wikipedia:

Commonly considered a blaxploitation film, the plot centers on Moore's character, a retired cop who owns and operates a disco and tries to shut down the local angel dust (PCP) dealer after his nephew (Julius Carry) gets "whacked out" on the drug. Another PCP user's claim to have served her own baby as Easter dinner constitutes a version of the urban legendknown as "The Baby-Roast."

The Disco Godfather's trademark phrase is his encouragement of the disco patrons to "Put your weight on it, put your weight on it, put your weight on it!".

The film also served as the debut of Keith David, who has an unbilled bit part as a patron in the nightclub.

Rudy Ray Moore was quite a character. Eddie Murphy plays him in the excellent 2019 Netflix biopic Dolemite is my Name.

[Futtocks]

Cast a deadly Spell (1991)

A HBO TV movie, starring Fred Ward, Julianne Moore and David Warner. Imagine 'Who framed Roger Rabbit', only the lead character hates magic instead of cartoons. Sort of. A bit.

Ward plays a classic private investigator H.P."Phil" Lovecraft, who sticks to the old-fashioned ways, while everyone else uses magic. He finds himself hunting for the Necronomicon at the same time as a crooked businessman and his henchmen.

This isn't bad at all, and probably would have done quite well as a properly-promoted theatrical release. Ward's as good as you'd expect as a hard-boiled, crumpled wise-cracker. Moore is the femme fatale nightclub singer who's as devious as you might expect.

You get double-crosses, jazz, sharp suits and Cthulhu-summoning, mixed up with humour and movie references, such as the Buster Keaton tribute by the zombie builders. Occasionally you see the limitations, especially in the special effects, but I'd certainly watch this again.

[Futtocks]

Light Blast (1985)

Less than two years after CHiPs ended, and Erik 'Ponch' Estrada was already reduced to this. A fairly routine actioner about a mad scientist holding the USA to ransom with a secret weapon. He wants <gasp> $5 million! Insert your own Austin Powers joke here.

Lots of explosions, car chases, weaponised poultry, face-meltings and not a lot else. Er, face meltings? When the secret weapon is fired, everything in the immediate vicinity heats up and melts, including humans. But it is explained that it only works when fired at LED displays, despite the final denouement featuring a LCD display instead.

[Futtocks]

Onna Batoru Koppu (1990) aka Lady Battle Cop
Here's a cash-in on the success of Robocop, but with a twist; it ain't all that bad!

Admittedly, this isn't a masterpiece, and completely swerves the satirical wickedness of the source material, but this was a movie where people made an effort, and it shows.

Compared to the wretchedly slapdash effort in Robo Vampire, the armour in this is pretty damn good - sleek and with moving panels in some scenes. The addition of an earring is a little odd, though.

Anyway, Azusa Nakamura is a lot prettier than Peter Weller. The baddies are few in number, which does show up the budget a bit, but this was made with care and attention, unlike a lazy Asylum rip-off.

To sum up - far better than it needed to be. Currently available on YouTube.

 

[Futtocks]

Night Shift (1982)

A comedy about two morgue attendants who take over the management of a dead pimp's girls. Plenty of very dated things about this movie, but the cast make it work well enough to enjoy.

Henry Winkler plays the timid, strait-laced long-time employee Chuck, whose new work partner Bill (Michael Keaton) is a very Eighties kind of wild'n'crazy guy. Winkler's neighbour is a prostitute called Belinda (Shelley Long) whose pimp gets killed.

After Belinda, now working alone, gets beaten up by a client, the guys take over management of the pimp's girls, offering them a larger share of earnings and investing their money for them. Chuck and Belinda fall in love, but the guys have forgotten to pay off the people who were taking protection money from their predecessor. 

It is a sort of buddy movie/kooky romance mixture and nothing really unexpected happens, but the cast are good enough to make it work. Fun.

[Futtocks]

Eating Raoul (1982)
Directed by and starring Paul Bartel. You may not know the name, but he has been in quite a lot of movies, and is a familiar face. You'd probably recognise him from something.

Bartel plays Paul Bland, a strait-laced wine buff, who wants to open his own restaurant. His wife Mary (played by Mary Woronov) is a nurse, and the bills are mounting up faster than their limited income can handle. In addition, a neighbour in their apartment block keeps holding swingers parties', which they detest. Paul goes to complain about the latest noisy orgy, and is humiliated by a dominatrix.

The neighbour takes this opportunity to make rather more than a pass at Mary, and a furious Paul kills him with a frying pan. They dispose of the body, but the germ of an idea has begun to appear in their minds.

When she applies for a loan, Mary is sexually assaulted by their bank manager (Buck Henry), who denies everything. Meanwhile Paul has been robbed. Then one of Mary's patients come round to their house, thinking she's a S&M prostitute. Mary wields the frying pan this time. Looking through the now ex-patient's wallet, they realise that the city is teeming with rich perverts, who they can fleece and kill.

Then Commander Chakotay from 'Star Trek: Voyager' turns up! Yes, this was one of Robert Beltran's first roles, playing the eponymous Raoul, a locksmith who is also a burglar. The Blands surprise him as he sneaks into their house and are prepared to silence him skillet-style, but he offers them a mutually-profitable deal. They go into business; they rob the johns, while Raoul sells the corpses to a pet food manufacturer.

All goes well at first, but this was never going be a smooth operation...

This is a broad black comedy, which has a few slow passages but is, overall, quite marvellously depraved. Ed Begley Jr makes a small appearance, as does an actor credited with the frankly outstanding name of Beans Morocco. There's also a tiny cameo by Robert Barron, who played Abraham Lincoln in 'Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure'.

Edited September 9, 2020 by Futtocks

[Futtocks]

Golden Temple Amazons (1986)
Not much to report on this movie - this is basically Little Miss Tarzan and the Lost City of Nipples. Oh and with a bit of casual racism and stock footage thrown in. What larks!

[Futtocks]

Just stumbled upon this documentary: Survival of the Film Freaks (2018). Much more concise, this is an excellent tribute/introduction to cult movies. Joe Bob Briggs is in it, too! Also Lloyd Kaufman (Troma), Ted Raimi, Greydon Clark and Luigi Cozzi.

Edit: available on Amazon Prime.

Edited September 14, 2020 by Futtocks

[Bedfordshire Bronco]

Fire twister was on some god foresaken channel yesterday 

One of the worst things I have ever seen! 

[Futtocks]

1 hour ago, Bedfordshire Bronco said:

Fire twister was on some god foresaken channel yesterday 

One of the worst things I have ever seen! 

Starring Casper van Dien, so you can't say you weren't warned...