The cheesy B-Movie thread

[BJW]

Apologies if it's been mentioned previously but Hell comes to Frogtown with 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper is one I always find hilarious.

 

An affectionate spoof of the supporting B feature is a film called Cry Wolf which I remember as the support for Airplane.

[Futtocks]

Apologies if it's been mentioned previously but Hell comes to Frogtown with 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper is one I always find hilarious.

 

An affectionate spoof of the supporting B feature is a film called Cry Wolf which I remember as the support for Airplane.

Roddy also treated us to the excellent 'They Live'.

 

"I have come to kick ass and chew bubblegum. And I am all out of gum"

[Futtocks]

Dolemite (1975)

 

The 'Blaxploitation' genre turned up a few real gems and a whole lot of dross. Guess which this one is?

 

Stand-up comedian Rudy Ray Moore plays the titular Dolemite, out from prison and trying to clear his name, clean up the 'hood and take down the bad guys and crooked cops. By clean up, I mean take back control of a brothel he used to own, complete with a full staff of Karate-chopping prostitutes.

 

As Rudy both wrote and starred in the film, Dolemite is, despite his pudgy figure, a 100% studly babe-magnet and also knows a form of Kung Fu that involves waving his foot vaguely around at waist height. The whole thing is a riot of Seventies pimp fashion and almost constant swearing. 

 

That well-known and prolific B-movie actor, the boom microphone, makes several appearances. Unlike the rest of the cast, it seems to know what it is doing. More than one 'actor' seems to deliver lines while looking off camera, presumably at cue cards they've never seen before.

 

At one point, Dolemite delivers a jive-talk summary of the sinking of the Titanic, for no apparent reason other than he maybe needed an extra scene to pad this jive turkey to feature length, and just did a random routine from his stand-up show. 

 

Near the end, it all erupts into a mass chop-socky brawl. The difference between the trained martial artists and the rest of the cast is painfully apparent. Struggling with his rival, Dolemite is shot in the chest, but still rips his assailant's guts out with one bad-ass Judo Chop (© Austin Powers). Still, that's a less gruesome sight than the scene with the naked mayor.

 

Astoundingly, it was successful enough to have two sequels!

 

Here's the trailer (NSFW on grounds of language and brief boobage)

 

[westlondonfan]

Dolemite (1975)

 

The 'Blaxploitation' genre turned up a few real gems and a whole lot of dross. Guess which this one is?

 

Stand-up comedian Rudy Ray Moore plays the titular Dolemite, out from prison and trying to clear his name, clean up the 'hood and take down the bad guys and crooked cops. By clean up, I mean take back control of a brothel he used to own, complete with a full staff of Karate-chopping prostitutes.

 

As Rudy both wrote and starred in the film, Dolemite is, despite his pudgy figure, a 100% studly babe-magnet and also knows a form of Kung Fu that involves waving his foot vaguely around at waist height. The whole thing is a riot of Seventies pimp fashion and almost constant swearing. 

 

That well-known and prolific B-movie actor, the boom microphone, makes several appearances. Unlike the rest of the cast, it seems to know what it is doing. More than one 'actor' seems to deliver lines while looking off camera, presumably at cue cards they've never seen before.

 

At one point, Dolemite delivers a jive-talk summary of the sinking of the Titanic, for no apparent reason other than he maybe needed an extra scene to pad this jive turkey to feature length, and just did a random routine from his stand-up show. 

 

Near the end, it all erupts into a mass chop-socky brawl. The difference between the trained martial artists and the rest of the cast is painfully apparent. Struggling with his rival, Dolemite is shot in the chest, but still rips his assailant's guts out with one bad-ass Judo Chop (© Austin Powers). Still, that's a less gruesome sight than the scene with the naked mayor.

 

Astoundingly, it was successful enough to have two sequels!

 

Here's the trailer (NSFW on grounds of language and brief boobage)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIUEHsyt54I

Great trailer! I guess this must have provided some of the inspiration for some of the later gangsta rap records?

[Futtocks]

Great trailer! I guess this must have provided some of the inspiration for some of the later gangsta rap records?

Dr Dre name-checked Dolemite more than once on his records, so you are spot on.

[Futtocks]

Hillbillys in a Haunted House (1967)

A Country'n'Western Horror Comedy Musical. A cast including John Carradine, Basil Rathbone and Lon Chaney.

What could possibly go wrong? Well... 

Edited January 21, 2017 by Futtocks

[Futtocks]

Two Front Teeth (2006)

A little late, but a Christmas movie! Yay. This is a modern, knowing take, but a good bad one, unlike so many lazy by-the-numbers releases who think they're clever and post-modern

It starts with a sort-of sex scene, including the a lingerie-clad babe (unfaithful wife), plus a cock-blocked male (dead soon), who delivers the the line "Charlie Brown wants to kick a field goal".

It also includes Clausferatu (yep, a vampire Father Christmas), Ninja Nuns (the next best thing to Nunchuck Chicks in my book*) and cowboys.

Cut to: man on toilet, typing. A drunk man harangues him about a plane crash and urges him to drink more eggnog. The first man, Gabe, refuses, as he's just discovered that his girlfriend is cheating on him. He then sees a Santa toy and faints. When he recovers, his drunk friend (whose ear has been cut off) gives him a gun as a present.

Cut to: bedroom from original scene, where the girl in lingerie (this is, after all, a horror movie, where lust is usually punished by bad stuff an' that) thinks she hears an intruder, only to find a parcel, some blood, and her come-uppance at the hands of... it isn't clear.

Gabe goes to cheating girlfriend's house and encounters various jump-scares, burning biscuits and someone's severed head on a model train. And his sweary girlfriend, tied up with fairy lights. Gabe hands her a bundle of clothes and tells her to "find something a little less... skank".

Evil elf appears and gets clouted with a golf club. Carol singers appear and are scared off by Gabe's gun. Nothing makes much sense thus far, but it gets worse from here on in.

Another quote: "I'm the Ghost of Christmas p*ssed and you're Tiny Tim".

It turns out that Gabe is a journalist, who goes to talk to a paranoid cowboy about a plane crash. The cowboy loads his revolver with wooden bullets and prepares for the Bad Guys to arrive. Elves are susceptible to wooden bullets. No wonder Legolas kept his smug trap shut when that whole Ent thing happened in Lord of the Rings.

More dialogue:
Cheaty woman: What's that?
Cowboy: Elves!
Cheaty woman: What do they want?
Cowboy: Sex.
Cheaty woman: Uh?
Cowboy: Thought that would shut yer face.

It turns out that Gabe, cheaty wife and Cowboy are trying to stop Rudolph's nose from being stolen by the forces of evil and, just to illustrate this, the movie switches to animation. Really cheap animation. Of Rudolph causing the plane crash. Remember the plane crash? You get to see Rudoph's guts spilling out. There's lovely.

Then back to reality(?), as an elf bites the cowboy in the testicles. Suddenly, Rudolph's nose comes to life and blinds the evil elves, so Gabe and his trashy wife escape in a car.

More dialogue: "Someone's been hittin' the figgy pudding a li'l hard"

Cowboy reappears and does the Basil Exposition about Clausferatu and then there's some argument about whether professional wrestling is fake or not.

Turns out that the elves have implanted a tracking device that looks like a gingerbread man in slutty wife's foot. Just because. Because... erm, because.

All the driving scenes are clearly shot in a stationary car, but at a Dutch angle, which does not enhance the illusion of movement. BECAUSE, CLEARLY, THERE IS NO MOVEMENT!

Sample dialogue: "Gabe, please. Let me do this while I'm still drunk."

Ooh, a flashback! Gabe killed his entire family when he was five years old.

Now, the Ninja Nuns arrive, and they are pretty hot. They want the nose of Rudolph to restore the balance of Christmas or something. Oh, and the cowboy reappears, because the evil elves attack. Gabe finds some backbone and kills an elf, only to be stabbed by a candy cane.

Clausferatu appears (at last!), like a cross between a grizzled prspector and Max Shreck, and kills the cowboy. Then Real Santa Claus appears. It turns out that Clausferatu is th Tooth fairy, who imprisoned Santa and tried to take over the franchise.

Sample Santa dialogue: "The Tooth Fairy is the weakest of the immortals, but the biggest pain in the ass!"

There follows the scene of Santa v Toothy in a full-on kung fu deathmatch. And we are talking about proper martial arts moves here! 

Just as Santa is down for the second time, a Tiny Tim character appears and what does the adorable little moppet say? "Kick his ####in' ass, Santa!" So dear old Father Christmas... punches the Tooth fairy's heart clean out through the back of his ribcage, to the delight of a whooping crowd. 

Bye bye, childhood.

More Santa dialogue: "That's a good women you've got there Gabe... and a nice ass on her, too. Ho ho ho!"

Oh, then the cowboy comes back to life as the werewolf Easter Bunny.

Roll credits, to the tune of 'Auld lang Syne'.

Followed by another badly animated segment about a satanic snowman.

*My book, Contested tombola results in Southern Transnistria (1876-1894) is available in all good bookshops. 

Edited January 23, 2017 by Futtocks

[Bleep1673]

Quote

My new girlfriend took me to see La La Land, don't do it, go for a pizza instead. Even she was embarrassed by it.

 

[Futtocks]

RiffTrax have unearthed a formerly-unknown epic by James Nguyen, director of 'Birdemic' and 'Julie & Jack'.

The title is 'Replica', and that's a word that most of the cast probably couldn't even pronounce. Check out the "I've only glanced at the script in passing" acting, as well as the astonishing green screen work, in this 15-minute digest of the film, given the RiffTrax treatment.

 

[Futtocks]

Nine Deaths of the Ninja (1985)

Two anti-terrorist agents are sent to free some hostages. Sounds like a sensible plot for an action movie, right?

The Good Guys:

• Sho Kosugi - Eighties ninja-flick God. So he can pull a few strings and get bit-parts for his relatives. Shane Kosugi plays 'Shane', while Kane Kosugi plays 'Kane'.
• Brent Huff - The kind of all-American action hero you can find in the 'reduced' shelf at Costcutters. Always gets the girl(s).
• Emilia Crow - Blonde. Voluptuous. Reads lines badly.
• Vijay Amritraj - Former Tennis doubles champion turned actor, of sorts.

The Bad Guys:

• Blackie Dammett - Anthony Kiedis' dad (yes, it is!) plays Alby the Cruel, in a sort of coke-fuelled and barely coherent hommage to Doctor Strangelove. He commands an army of rednecks and Nazi amazons.
• Regina Richardson - She (and her hair, which appears to make up about a third of her bodyweight) plays Alby's general, Honey Hump.
• Sonny Erang - Plays murderous strong-man Rahji. And looks like a hobo Manu Vatuvei.

Sho plays Spike Shinobi, ace ninja secret agent, who does most of the hard work, although Steve (Brent Huff) does eventually get off his backside (or that of the latest girl to find herself falling for his oily charm) and wipe out a load of henchpersons with a totally kewl General Electric Minigun, like what Jesse Ventura had in 'Predator'.

But Spike does most of the fighting, including being attacked in an art gallery by four kung fu dwarves. Speciality: nut shots. But first, there's the title sequence, in which Sho does this dry ice and slo-mo dance sequence with three women in leotards, which has nothing to do with the plot.

Eventually Honey Hump flees in the face of superior firepower, Rahji eats a grenade and head villain Alby... well, he gets trampled to death by a team of Polo players. Standard come-uppance for the Bad Guy, then.

[Futtocks]

As of yesterday, the all-new series of Mystery Science Theater 3000 arrived on Netflix, just over 17 years after the show was last cancelled. They come back, all guns blazing, with a wonderfully shoddy Danish monster movie called Reptilicus.

Welcome back, Joel and the SoL crew!  

[RidingPie]

20 hours ago, Futtocks said:

As of yesterday, the all-new series of Mystery Science Theater 3000 arrived on Netflix, just over 17 years after the show was last cancelled. They come back, all guns blazing, with a wonderfully shoddy Danish monster movie called Reptilicus.

Welcome back, Joel and the SoL crew!  

How have I never seen this before (MST or Reptilicus)

[Futtocks]

21 minutes ago, RidingPie said:

How have I never seen this before (MST or Reptilicus)

If you liked MST3K, (nearly) all the original episodes are on YouTube, and linked on this site: http://www.club-mst3k.com/episodes?sort=laughs

That's nearly 200 shows, so fill yer boots! There is also a selection of old fan favourites on Netflix.

The new series goes as follows:
01 Reptilicus
02 Cry Wilderness
03 The Time Travelers 
04 Avalanche 
05 The Beast of Hollow Mountain 
06 Starcrash (I wrote this up a few pages back on this very thread)
07 The Land That Time Forgot 
08 The Loves of Hercules 
09 Yongary: Monster from the Deep 
10 Wizards of the Lost Kingdom 
11 Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II 
12 Carnival Magic 
13 The Christmas That Almost Wasn't 
14 At the Earth's Core

Edited April 16, 2017 by Futtocks

[Futtocks]

01 Reptilicus
A Danish-American monster movie. Star power boosted by the comedy stylings of Dirch Passer. No, really, the actual Dirch Passer! Wow!

02 Cry Wilderness
Dimwitted eco-fable that includes a sasquatch that likes Coca-Cola and rock'n'roll.

03 The Time Travelers 
Self-explanatory title. Except that it isn't as exciting as that. One of the stars is Steve Franken, who also appears in...

04 Avalanche 
Rock Hudson and Mia Farrow in one of those classic Seventies disaster movies where you really don't care about any of the characters' fates, apart from the funny drunk lady.

05 The Beast of Hollow Mountain 
A Western, at least for 80% of the movie. Then, probably because the director didn't know how to end what little story he had, they chuck in a stop-motion dinosaur.

06 Starcrash
Italian cash-in on 'Star Wars', featuring former child evangelist Marjoe Gortner, Bond girl Caroline Munro, Christopher Plummer (slumming it beautifully) and a pre-Knight Rider David Hasselhof.

07 The Land That Time Forgot 
Doug McClure battles Germans, stock footage and stop-motion dinosaurs, all the while looking like a bewildered potato.

08 The Loves of Hercules 
Historical action romance. Jayne Mansfield and her large chest team up with real-life husband Mickey Hargitay and his large chest. 

09 Yongary: Monster from the Deep 
Korean kaiju (look it up), including obligatory annoying kid. Oh, and the monster dances.

10 Wizards of the Lost Kingdom I
Various offcuts from the 'Deathstalker' franchise are stitched together with a plot about a whiney child and played, apparently, for laughs in this fantasy 'romp'.

11 Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II 
See 'Wizards of the lost Kingdom I', pretty much. In fact, I have trouble remembering which is which after just a single viewing. One has Lana Clarkson and the other has a (clearly desperate for work) David Carradine. Or are they both in the same film?

12 Carnival Magic 
A talking chimp, a plot that zooms along like continental drift and not a lot else.

13 The Christmas That Almost Wasn't 
An Italian Christmas movie, that someone made the effort to dub into English. A mean businessman wants to evict Mr & Mrs Santa Claus, so he enlists the help of a lawyer. There are nods towards 'A Christmas Carol' but that can't save it.

14 At the Earth's Core
Doug McClure's back! This time, he and Peter Cushing lose control of a drilling machine and end up in a subterranean society ruled by telepathic pterodactyls. And Caroline 'Starcrash' Munro makes her second appearance of the series too.

[Futtocks]

Just found out that this film exists - no write-up from me this time, as the linked article pretty much covers it.

[Futtocks]

I just watched the RiffTrax treatment of...

Day of the Animals (1977)

A Seventies disaster movie, starring a pre-comedy Leslie Nielsen. Hindsight makes it difficult to take him seriously in dramatic roles, and this film makes it harder than most.

The opening text crawl talks about fluorocarbons depleting the ozone layer which, to give it credit, was about 20 years before that concern became mainstream. However, in 'Day of the Animals', it is given as a reason for animals going crazy and attacking people. Lots of different animals - in fact, the only thing we don't see going ape is... an ape.

Leslie Nielsen plays an advertising executive, one of the usual disparate group in such movies, in this case on a guided hiking trip. Nielsen's character is obnoxious, racist and always looking to take control. After a few animal attacks, he browbeats part of the group into following him, goes nuts, rips his shirt off, beats up a child, rants at the heavens, tries to rape a fellow hiker, murders her boyfriend and finally gets cuddled to death by a bear.

Other story strands involve someone being attacked by flying rats, an hilariously unconvincing rear-projected cliff fall and someone who's rescued a little girl and is trying to find help. He gets killed by a VW Beetle full of rattlesnakes.

The plot fizzles out aimlessly, as a true cinematic turkey should.

Viewed in hindsight, thanks to films like 'Birdemic' and Nielsen's career revival as a comedy star, this is hilarious instead of horrific. The trained animal scenes are actually well-staged, thanks to Hollywood specialist Monty Cox, who worked on many projects so much better than this.

Edited April 29, 2017 by Futtocks

[Vichyssoise]

On 06/12/2016 at 10:02 PM, Futtocks said:

Dolemite (1975)

.../...

Here's the trailer (NSFW on grounds of language and brief boobage)

 

That trailer is absolutely fantastic. Not sure I'd manage to sit through the entire movie. But it looks like a masterpiece in its own crazy way. I found a few other scenes on Youtube. There isn't one weak moment.

[Futtocks]

 

[Futtocks]

Raw Force, aka Kung Fu Cannibals (1982)

The story begins with Kentucky Colonel Hitler and his sidekick, Bandanna'n'Ponytail Dude, delivering a plane-load of Asian prostitutes to a mysterious island, where he barters them to sleazy-looking monks for baskets of jade. 

One prostitute gets free and is slaughtered by a martial arts zombie.

Next, we see the Burbank Karate Club signing up for a cruise. The captain is played by Cameron Mitchell, something of a legend in the field of exploitation flicks. He looks fairly sober in this film.

Also on the ship are bikini-clad women, because... just because. Oh, and one of the crew looks a lot like Bruce Lee, who warns the tour guide that the island she wants to visit is forbidden to anyone but "outcasts of Kung Fu". 

Before embarkation, the good guys go to a brothel and encounter Kentucky Fried Hitler, who warns them against visiting the island. Adolf then pretends to a be policeman and raids the brothel, for no apparent reason. So the guys go to a strip club instead. Good wholesome cinematic entertainment. 

Hitler's sidekick and his goons try to abduct the captain, which leads to a set-piece fight scene, while the stripper just keeps on dancing like a proper trouper... or someone being filmed in a different location. The boys from Burbank plus sort-of Bruce Lee kick ass and the bad guys retreat.

Cut to a party on the ship. Terrible Eighties alpha male chat-up lines lead to sleazy scenes and even more gratuitous boobage than we've seen thus far. One of the cast (Jewel Shepherd) is credited as "Drunken Sexpot", which tells you all you need to know.

As the party degenerates further, the ship is boarded by Village People pirates. Cue lots of stagey martial arts scenes in different parts of the ship. The pirates retreat, having captured one of the interchangeable blondes, and set fire to the ship.

Abandoning ship, the good guys wash up on Warriors' Island and are spotted by the monks. Remember, Warriors' Island is such a secret that it is only mentioned in fairly comprehensive detail on the cruise brochure.

Vic Reeves Hitler* (with a bazooka) and his crew then attack them. Cameron Mitchell shoots back at close range, managing to miss every single one of the Black Hats, so its Kung Fu time again!

The monks greet the shipwrecked party and tell then that they will only help if Burbank's finest defeat the champions of the island. While the good guys eat fruit, the monks retreat to their temple, where they feast upon BBQ prostitute, baste the kidnapped blonde and summon the zombie warriors.

Escaping with those women who haven't yet been served up on the buffet bar, they are confronted by the zombies. Mitchell fires off another couple of hundred rounds without hitting anything and much Fu happens. The monks think this is all delightful, leering and giggling at everything indiscriminately.

They get to Hitler's seaplane, but are ambushed by the undead warriors. More Fu. One zombie gets decapitated with a sword, which is clearly bent into a Z shape in the reaction shot. 

Adolf is eaten by piranhas, the zombies are beaten up, sticks of dynamite are set off and the survivors fly off into the sunset with a planeload of jade. "To be continued..." appears on screen. Don't hold your breath.

*yup, Vic Reeves Hitler, or close enough.

[Futtocks]

RiffTrax give 'Star Games' the treatment, and here's a taster!

 

[Futtocks]

If you can find it, either legally or via your favourite <ahem> other methods, get your sweaty hands on the feature-length documentary 'Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films'.

See what cocaine hath wrought. Great fun! 

Edited June 10, 2017 by Futtocks

[Futtocks]

Death Machines (1976)

Not to be confused with the sci-fi film 'Death Machine' (singular), this is a strenuously incoherent martial arts movie.

A shadowy villain and his henchwoman use drugs to turn three martial artists into mindless, unstoppable killers. Henchwoman herself is a piece of work, with a foot-high hairdo and a vocal delivery that suggests a Japanese version of Lili Von Shtupp from 'Blazing Saddles'. This is not meant to be a comedy film, by the way.

Despite their top billing, White Death Machine, Black Death Machine and Asian Death Machine do not have a single line of dialogue beyond kung fu shrieking.

As well as semi-competent beginner-level unarmed combat, the death machines use other methods, like throwing a man off a roof, crushing another with a bulldozer and, of course, a rocket launcher. And an exploding Buddha statue.

Nothing really makes sense, but fights break out a lot, a world-weary bartender tries to bring Jesus into the life of White Death Machine, a dull romantic subplot, which goes nowhere and a couple of women take their tops off just to jiggle a bit in the background.

The 'hero' is Frank, a whiney bore who gets his backside whupped by pretty much everyone, including a drunk, geriatric sailor. After the sailor knocks him down he lies in front of a water fountain that, due to camera positioning, appears to be spraying out of his nose. 

Frank can't even handle the henchwoman in a straight fight, despite her being about 4 foot tall (plus hair). His superpower? Staring vacantly at things and people.

The score aims for Vangelis and achieves Bontempi.

The culmination is although the henchwoman dies, her boss gets away scot free and so do the Death Machines. They just get on a plane and fly away...

This is the director's take on the experience: http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewarticle.asp?AuthorID=5687&id=74308

 

[Futtocks]

Ben & Arthur (2002)

No write-up needed, because this guy did it at length already.

[Futtocks]

I think I will have to watch this...

 

[Futtocks]

Pass thru (2016)
Produced by, directed by, written by, edited by and starring Neil Breen. If his previous oeuvre is any guide, he probably did the catering as well.

The Breen once again plays an alien messiah/super-stud/eco-warrior/plank of wood, with his usual mixture of absolute commitment and absolute...ly no idea how to make a movie. Throw in a bargain bucket of confused symbolism and dialogue that trips off the tongue like lead ingots. 

Other familiar Breen tropes include a dying old man, "meaningful" voice-overs, extras who appear to be reading their lines from off-screen cue cards and, of course, exposition blaming everything on bankers, drug-dealers and corrupt politicians. 

But this time, the bodycount goes right off the scale. By about 300 million.

Marvellous, baffling, awkward, deluded, portentous, utterly sincere.