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The cheesy B-Movie thread

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I think I may have to watch this next...

 

Oh boy, Voyage of the Rock Aliens is a tremendous stinkburger! A sci-fi comedy musical starring Pia Zadora - what more do you need to know? Add in a (properly funny) romantic cameo from Michael 'The Hills have Eyes' Berryman, a terrible rubber monster in the lake, an emotionectomy that "helps you deal with income tax" and Jermaine Jackson in a cameo that has nothing to do with the plot. Fantastic! 

 

There's a hint of Troma to this, but it is much better made than that studio's films. Pia Zadora's energy and enthusiasm somewhat counteracts the effect of her talents at acting and singing.

Edited by Futtocks

"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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I just re-watched 'Society' for the first time in ages. Very hard to describe it without spoilers, but it starts off as a troubled teen coming-of-age movie, but then takes a turn into... I ain't saying. Just watch it!

 

Let's just say that it is a satire on the class system and stars Billy Warlock (Days of our Lives & Baywatch) and also features the rather lovely Eighties pin-up Devin DeVasquez.

 

devin-devasquez-in-society-(1989).jpg


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Geteven (Road to Revenge)

1993

 

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IMDB blurb: An Ex-Cop comes back as vigilante to bring down with blazing weapons an martial arts a satanic cult that has taken over his town.

 

John de Hart is one of those "do it all" guys. He's the director, the star, the writer and performs the songs what he wrote too. I'm pretty sure he did the editing and sound too, because those elements are also hilariously inept.

 

He is joined in this film by Eighties second-grade action star Wings Hauser, who doesn't seem entirely sober throughout. Former Playboy model Pamela Bryant is also on board for the obligatory cringey sex scene (director/leading man perks). There's a surprisingly large cast listed, which suggests that John de Hart roped in everyone he knows, regardless of experience or thespian chops. 

 

Our leather-trousered hero Rick sports a moustache/mullet combo, best shown off in his first musical number 'The Shimmy Slide'. It's an awful line-dancer sort of Country style, and John proves simultaneously that he can't sing or dance. He also has a terrified "rabbit in the headlights" look in his eyes as he performs. Then he goes off stage, to be replaced by a stripper, who performs to exactly the same backing track as the song. Cindy (Pamela Bryant) is his girl, who dotes on his every utterance, laughs at his awful jokes and even tells him he's a good singer.

 

While this is happening, an awfully arthritic fight scene breaks out, establishing Rick as a master of the slow and unconvincing left hook which somehow knocks out tough guys instantly. 

 

Well, it turns out that Rick's old LAPD colleague turned judge, Normad(?), is the first minister of a drug-dealing satanic cult that sacrifices babies to the Dark Lord. One of the babies was Cindy's and now the cult want to kill her because she knows too much. This is told in flashback/exposition. Then Rick declaims Hamlet's soliloquy. Badly.

 

This leads to the first stilted sex scene. Lots of neck-arching and fondling of bewbs, while another of De Hart's terrible songs plays in the background.

 

The next day at a bar, Rick meets his very drunk ex-LAPD pal Huck Finney (Wings Hauser). I'm not sure he was acting. Later that night, Huck picks up a pistol and starts shooting his utility bills before passing out on the couch. He is woken by his ex-wife, looking for her alimony. At one point, she rips off her top and delivers the line "You remember these? You didn't know how to treat them either!" She calls the police and tells them that Huck attacked her. He gets arrested.

 

His ex-wife then goes to Normad, who she's apparently seeing. He hits her a few times before the scene switches to court, where Huck is in the dock. Normad revokes his bail and Huck's back in the hoosegow. There, he manages to grab and drink some bleach. He passes out and wakes up in hospital where a nun tries to counsel him by reading from cue cards.

 

Rick and Cindy visit Cindy's parents, who reckon Rick is "another drug-contamined devil worshipper from Hollywood". Not the most hospitable couple, they disapprove of Cindy's former wild life. Rick does some Basil Exposition about the history between himself, Huck and Normad.

 

Cut to chez Normad, where he catches up on his cult's latest activities. One henchman tells him that they have spotted Cindy, so Normad instructs them to eliminate her. Cut to Rick's hot tub, so it is obviously time for more contractually-obligated sex and and even worse ballad than last time. 

 

The next day, we see Huck, fully dressed in his pool, rambling on about something to do with Huckleberry Finn and Moses. Rick invites him to his wedding. Stock footage ensues, followed by Cindy stripping for Rick, whose grinning face indicates that this was the main reason for him getting into film-making. We get a brief reprise of one of the ballads from earlier.

 

In the bar where Rick rocked the nation with the Shimmy Slide, the gang turn up and grab the barmaid to find out where Cindy is. At about the same time, Cindy recognises Normad from a photo and tells Rick he's the high priest of the cult.

 

Out on a bike ride, Rick and Cindy are chased by the gang and crash. Cindy is killed and Rick sort of emotes. Or has a coughing fit, I'm not sure. At the funeral, we get an even slower reprise of the ballad, and Huck is still clearly well-refreshed.

 

Rick has promised to get even (title drop!), so he hits the gym for some punchbag action. Huck, feeling Rick might be lonely, brings him a mannequin of an Indian chief. We don't see it again. There's a flashback to the wedding and then we see Rick in the bushes outside Normad's house at night time. Clearly, vengeance is about to be visited upon the Black Hats. Normad is being visited by a drug dealer, and nobody sees Rick killing a couple of the guards. Normad thinks the drug dealer was responsible and shoot him.

 

Now Rick is in the building and shoots more gang members. He catches Normad filling a nostril or two, but gets jumped by more baddies. Taken outside, Huck helps rescue him, but gets a bullet in the leg. Rick returns to the house and informs Normad that he's "the kind of puke that makes the world decay". Normad tries to bargain for his life and a very slow fight ensues. Normad gets fatally stabbed and Rick torches his house.

 

Next day, at Cindy's graveside, a double-denimmed Rick is visited by the nun (remember the nun?), who has apparently got Huck off the hooch. She asks him to come back to the hospital, where Cindy is miraculously alive again. Cue credits and a triumphant reprise of 'The Shimmy Slide'. 

 

Talking of which... 


 


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Some excerpts.


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Bubba Hotep

An aging, penniless Elvis (Bruce Campbell) discovers that the undead mummy is sucking the life force out of some of his nursing homes other residents (through their ######), and someone needs to stop this! But this job is too much for even Elvis alone! So he calls on the help of another resident, JFK (Ossie Davis... the aliens changed his skin colour when they abducted him) to help put an end to its undead meadling.

Wonderfully goofy and a story concept you've not come across before. I loved it, although I have got some friends who don't particularly like it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7Qo74_L3vo

Just possibly the best bad film ever


"Freedom without socialism is privilege and injustice, socialism without freedom is slavery and brutality" - Mikhail Bakunin

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I watched 'Turbo Kid' and it was ace! Imagine if someone melded the BMX Bandits, Mad Max II and one of Peter Jackson's early splatter movies, then added a healthy dose of Michael Ironside villainy.

 

Hilarious, incredibly bloody, daft, touching and preposterous in the best way.

 

Edited by Futtocks

"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Honor and Glory

1993

 

A martial arts thriller, starring Cynthia Rothrock and her Prince Valiant haircut. A film where every single time she or the actress playing her sister meets someone, there's a martial arts fight, whether it makes any sense or not.

 

So, here's what I shall call the plot, because I'm in a good mood today. Tracey Pride (Rothrock) is an FBI agent, while her sister Joyce is a news reporter. They both know Kung Fu. They also have issues with their estranged father, so we know there'll be a reconciliation just before the credits.

 

Jason Slade is an evil uber-yuppie who seems to be involved in the theft of a nuclear trigger. We first see him intimidating his staff, who cringe before his greasy malevolence. Jake (Chuck Jeffries) is his bodyguard, who knows Kung Fu and is considered "the best in the world". Slade also has some oriental assasins. They also know Kung Fu.

 

Early on, a piece to camera by Joyce is interrupted by a woman whose father's career was ruined by a Joyce expose. She knows Kung Fu too, but not as well as Joyce.

 

Joyce meets Tracey off the plane from Hong Kong and have a fight over who'll drive. Because they both know Kung Fu.

 

Jake tries to intimidate Joyce, who is after his boss. Cut to Slade working out with various weapons. because he knows Kung Fu.

 

The dialogue flows like month-old milk throughout, with strained pauses while the next cue-card is displayed just out of shot. When Slade threatens to peel someone's testicles like grapes, he puts plenty of stilted relish into it, just to show that he's a Bad Man (who knows Kung Fu). 

 

Tracey and an Agency colleague are ambushed by some of Slade's hired goons. But Tracey and her pal know Kung Fu better than the goons. A fight happens, then stops happening. End of scene.

 

Tracey tracks down Slade's right hand man Silk. As this is the first time the two characters meet, they have a fight, because Silk knows Kung Fu.

 

Cut to Joyce working out in a martial arts stylee. Did I mention she knows Kung Fu? Jake turns up and there's a first intimation that he's not all bad, and will probably team up for the Boss Fight. Joyce's comic relief friend Micky sees them together and thinks she may be in trouble. Sneaking up to Joyce's house, he is surprised by Tracey and the movie's standard first meeting protocol is observed with a few high kicks before the misunderstanding is resolved.

 

In his office, Slade observes that he is like a God, but his henchdudes wouldn't know a nuclear trigger from a Bulgarian dildo. It's so hard to get quality goons these days. Suspecting Silk has been disloyal, Slade picks a fight and his Fu turns out to be better than Silk's, so the latter is hacky-sack-kicked to death. Seeing this finally convinces Jake to turn away from The Dark Side, because we see him walking around looking thoughtful for about a minute while Jazz piano tinkles in the background. Oh, and he gets flashbacks to the fight scene that happened about two minutes ago.

 

Then some people unconnected with Slade in the gym attack Jake, because there hasn't been a high kick in about 5 minutes and because Kung Fu. 

 

Now it turns out that the sisters' dad is also trying to bring down Slade's empire of sweaty menace. But the scene peters out without really saying how. Cut to Slade negotiating the sale of the nuclear trigger (remember that?). Jake turns up to tender his resignation, so Slade introduces him to his replacement. His replacement looks like Korean musical funster Psy, and knows Kung Fu.

 

Jake starts to put the moves of Joyce and while they have a meal together, there's some chopstick Fu. Because this is a Godfrey Ho movie and that's how romance happens in his head. 

 

Meanwhile, comedy sidekick Micky has been spying on the activities of Slade's people. He calls Joyce and asks her to come and see some video footage. The doorbell rings and he answers but (you guessed it) it isn't Joyce, but Evil Psy. At one point, Micky hits Evil Psy's shin repeatedly with a baseball bat without any effect, so we know he's a badass Black Hat. Every time Micky is kicked, he does a complete backflip. The goons gets the videotape and, when Joyce does turn up, Micky gives her some muddle-headed exposition that makes her think her dad is working for Slade.

 

Cut to a scene where Joyce looks mournful while looking at family photos. Tracey turns up and informs her that Slade has kidnapped dad and his goons are taking turns to hit him in a warehouse, because he's the only character who knows no Fu, so he had it coming. 

 

Cue rescue attempt by our plucky team!

 

Jake turns up first and Slade orders his goons to kill him, but "no guns!". Because Kung Fu. While Jake's finishing off the lesser goons, the sisters and their Hong Kong agent pal face up to Evil Psy and Slade. There's some dramatic face off showboating, then we get to the entire point of the movie. Standard martial arts movie apply, so the baddies initially have the upper hand, then... you know the rest.

 

By the time the police turn up, all four heroes are taking turns to kick the snot out of a tied-up Slade. He's hauled off and daddy is rescued, the family is reconciled and Joyce fixes her makeup for a piece to camera. Roll credits.

 

The nuclear trigger? Never mentioned again. Barely mentioned in the film, really.

Edited by Futtocks

"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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On the subject of Cynthia Rothrock/Godfrey Ho films, she was also in a film called 'Undefeatable', whose final fight scene is truly hilarious (if a little bloody). You may spot that 'Slade' from Honor and Glory is now a Good Guy, who teams up with Cynthia to take down Stingray (the mullet man), described in the official movie blurb as "a crazed martial arts rapist". So he pretty much deserved this.

 

 


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Yup yup.

 

Edited by Futtocks

"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Here's a 'fan cut' of Neil Breen's movie I am here.... now. With nearly an hour snipped from the full feature, it still plods. Breen (writer, director, lead actor, caterer, most other things) plays a sort of alien cyborg Jesus who has found humanity wanting and has come to set things right. As in his previous film, Breen still resembles a Vulcan Neil Diamond.

 

This film is no more or less weird than his first, Double down but at least the message is less muddled.

 

The usual Breen tropes apply; Neil's messiah complex, the stilted dialogue, long silent shots of deserts, streets and buildings, portentous voiceovers, cringe-inducing attempts at sexiness, loads of exposition, a fairly casual attitude to death and violence, incompetent editing, heavy-handed symbolism etc.

 

The parts where The Being's magic powers freeze time are especially wonderful, as you can see the actors wobbling as they try to hold a pose.

 


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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A very unofficial trailer for 'Turkish Star Wars.

 


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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OK I'm not sure this film really should be here, but for a film so good that's really seems to have sunk like a brick I suspect at some point it will be referred to as a B movie. I watched this last night and although its a kids film (PG) it's not really for younger kids. 

 

Kubo and the Two Strings

 

A young boy with a magical ability for origami and music goes on an incredible adventure with a snarky monkey and giant samurai beetle. 

 

I watched this last night and am still blown away by it, and I just can't do the story justice. Please watch the trailer

 

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Amazon Prime have just added several RiffTrax titles to their service, including Manos: The Hands of Fate and - yay! - Megaforce.


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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OK I'm not sure this film really should be here, but for a film so good that's really seems to have sunk like a brick I suspect at some point it will be referred to as a B movie. I watched this last night and although its a kids film (PG) it's not really for younger kids. 

 

Kubo and the Two Strings

 

A young boy with a magical ability for origami and music goes on an incredible adventure with a snarky monkey and giant samurai beetle. 

 

I watched this last night and am still blown away by it, and I just can't do the story justice. Please watch the trailer

 

I've heard nothing but good about 'Kubo', but you're right; it doesn't seem to have had much impact at the box office.


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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I've heard nothing but good about 'Kubo', but you're right; it doesn't seem to have had much impact at the box office.

 

Having kids and having been forced through Finding Dory, and The BFG (both of which I enjoyed btw), this is so much better. The story may have a couple of pacing issues at the odd point but really, so different, so beautiful! 

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OK I'm not sure this film really should be here, but for a film so good that's really seems to have sunk like a brick I suspect at some point it will be referred to as a B movie. I watched this last night and although its a kids film (PG) it's not really for younger kids. 

 

Kubo and the Two Strings

 

A young boy with a magical ability for origami and music goes on an incredible adventure with a snarky monkey and giant samurai beetle. 

 

I watched this last night and am still blown away by it, and I just can't do the story justice. Please watch the trailer

 

Looks an imaginative film.

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Looks an imaginative film.

Critically acclaimed, but cost $60 million and only took about $65 million in box office. I suspect it will find a pretty healthy second life on disc and as streaming/downloaded video, but it is still a commercial dud. A shame, really.


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Critically acclaimed, but cost $60 million and only took about $65 million in box office. I suspect it will find a pretty healthy second life on disc and as streaming/downloaded video, but it is still a commercial dud. A shame, really.

 

Sadly so. I just hope it doesn't put other studios off doing similar projects in future. I can't help but think a little more marketing wouldn't have gone amiss!

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Sadly so. I just hope it doesn't put other studios off doing similar projects in future. I can't help but think a little more marketing wouldn't have gone amiss!

When it comes to animation, Pixar has Disney dollars behind it, and the recent Japanese film 'Your Name' has got loads of praise

 

And Studio Ghibli have announced that Hayao Miyazaki will come out of retirement for one last feature-length release.


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Critically acclaimed, but cost $60 million and only took about $65 million in box office. I suspect it will find a pretty healthy second life on disc and as streaming/downloaded video, but it is still a commercial dud. A shame, really.

Bet it had tiny fractions of the publicity of a "franchise" childrens film.  

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Bet it had tiny fractions of the publicity of a "franchise" childrens film.  

If the studio could put that much money into making it, I'd assume they could afford for it to be extensively promoted. But it might just be a little too off-beat for mainstream acceptance.

 

Sometimes, films find their real devoted audience quite a long time after their initial release. 


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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