Two Front Teeth (2006)
A little late, but a Christmas movie! Yay. This is a modern, knowing take, but a good bad one, unlike so many lazy by-the-numbers releases who think they're clever and post-modern
It starts with a sort-of sex scene, including the a lingerie-clad babe (unfaithful wife), plus a cock-blocked male (dead soon), who delivers the the line "Charlie Brown wants to kick a field goal".
It also includes Clausferatu (yep, a vampire Father Christmas), Ninja Nuns (the next best thing to Nunchuck Chicks in my book*) and cowboys.
Cut to: man on toilet, typing. A drunk man harangues him about a plane crash and urges him to drink more eggnog. The first man, Gabe, refuses, as he's just discovered that his girlfriend is cheating on him. He then sees a Santa toy and faints. When he recovers, his drunk friend (whose ear has been cut off) gives him a gun as a present.
Cut to: bedroom from original scene, where the girl in lingerie (this is, after all, a horror movie, where lust is usually punished by bad stuff an' that) thinks she hears an intruder, only to find a parcel, some blood, and her come-uppance at the hands of... it isn't clear.
Gabe goes to cheating girlfriend's house and encounters various jump-scares, burning biscuits and someone's severed head on a model train. And his sweary girlfriend, tied up with fairy lights. Gabe hands her a bundle of clothes and tells her to "find something a little less... skank".
Evil elf appears and gets clouted with a golf club. Carol singers appear and are scared off by Gabe's gun. Nothing makes much sense thus far, but it gets worse from here on in.
Another quote: "I'm the Ghost of Christmas p*ssed and you're Tiny Tim".
It turns out that Gabe is a journalist, who goes to talk to a paranoid cowboy about a plane crash. The cowboy loads his revolver with wooden bullets and prepares for the Bad Guys to arrive. Elves are susceptible to wooden bullets. No wonder Legolas kept his smug trap shut when that whole Ent thing happened in Lord of the Rings.
Cheaty woman: What's that?
Cheaty woman: What do they want?
Cheaty woman: Uh?
Cowboy: Thought that would shut yer face.
It turns out that Gabe, cheaty wife and Cowboy are trying to stop Rudolph's nose from being stolen by the forces of evil and, just to illustrate this, the movie switches to animation. Really cheap animation. Of Rudolph causing the plane crash. Remember the plane crash? You get to see Rudoph's guts spilling out. There's lovely.
Then back to reality(?), as an elf bites the cowboy in the testicles. Suddenly, Rudolph's nose comes to life and blinds the evil elves, so Gabe and his trashy wife escape in a car.
More dialogue: "Someone's been hittin' the figgy pudding a li'l hard"
Cowboy reappears and does the Basil Exposition about Clausferatu and then there's some argument about whether professional wrestling is fake or not.
Turns out that the elves have implanted a tracking device that looks like a gingerbread man in slutty wife's foot. Just because. Because... erm, because.
All the driving scenes are clearly shot in a stationary car, but at a Dutch angle, which does not enhance the illusion of movement. BECAUSE, CLEARLY, THERE IS NO MOVEMENT!
Sample dialogue: "Gabe, please. Let me do this while I'm still drunk."
Ooh, a flashback! Gabe killed his entire family when he was five years old.
Now, the Ninja Nuns arrive, and they are pretty hot. They want the nose of Rudolph to restore the balance of Christmas or something. Oh, and the cowboy reappears, because the evil elves attack. Gabe finds some backbone and kills an elf, only to be stabbed by a candy cane.
Clausferatu appears (at last!), like a cross between a grizzled prspector and Max Shreck, and kills the cowboy. Then Real Santa Claus appears. It turns out that Clausferatu is th Tooth fairy, who imprisoned Santa and tried to take over the franchise.
Sample Santa dialogue: "The Tooth Fairy is the weakest of the immortals, but the biggest pain in the ass!"
There follows the scene of Santa v Toothy in a full-on kung fu deathmatch. And we are talking about proper martial arts moves here!
Just as Santa is down for the second time, a Tiny Tim character appears and what does the adorable little moppet say? "Kick his ####in' ass, Santa!" So dear old Father Christmas... punches the Tooth fairy's heart clean out through the back of his ribcage, to the delight of a whooping crowd.
Bye bye, childhood.
More Santa dialogue: "That's a good women you've got there Gabe... and a nice ass on her, too. Ho ho ho!"
Oh, then the cowboy comes back to life as the werewolf Easter Bunny.
Roll credits, to the tune of 'Auld lang Syne'.
Followed by another badly animated segment about a satanic snowman.
*My book, Contested tombola results in Southern Transnistria (1876-1894) is available in all good bookshops.