Futtocks Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 (edited) PumamanA new kind of superhero - a terrible one. The Black Hat in this particular stinker is Donald Pleasance. Not some random Don Pleasance from Mudflaps, Nebraska, but the actual one. Sporting what looks like a suit made from black binbags, he hypnotises blonde stunna Sydne Rome with the aid of a mysterious mask. The fool doesn't even get her to undress, just demands eternal loyalty to his cause. Meanwhile, our somewhat greasy hero is thrown out of a window by Cholo from 'FitzCarraldo', who is actually on his side in this movie. At the Dutch Embassy (this is never explained), henchmen in bow-ties and DJs attack the nascent Pumaman (or 'Poomaman', depending on which actor is trying to do the Basil Exposition). It's like watching a middle-aged Il Divo getting beaten up, which is a positive. Our hero escapes to the roof, where Cholo chucks him a magic belt. A few seconds of laughable SFX later, HE IS POOMAMAN (or PUMAMAN), in his mystical attire of black satin top, crimson cape and, er, beige slacks and cuban heels. But sometimes the cape is black, because that's magic, that is. Pumaman can now fly! Sort of. Sometimes he even points in roughly the right direction. Even Captain Kremmen looks more convincing while airborne. Il Divo corner him in a construction site and shoot randomly while Pumaman (POOMAMAN!) jumps around a bit, then picks up a henchman and flies just like a Puma (POOMA!). He then drops him, catches him, drops him again and catches him again. This is to get information about where the mask is. Cholo takes his new buddy to his Fortress of Solitude - okay, a dusty warehouse - for some quasi-mystical exposition. "Become part of the cosmos. Have you done this? You must take the great trip" yada yada yada. Poomaman walks through a wall and it's back to MST3K Mike and the bots taking a halftime break from the movie. Ah, walking through the wall was the beginning of a mystical journey where he goes semi-transparent and wobbles about in front of the Houses of Parliament, for some reason. Then he comes back. Cholo does a "Mongo only pawn in great game of life" speech. Pumaman zaps into a cockernee mate's fire engine and borrows a transmitter/receiver, which all firemen carry as a matter of course. Then the fire engine crashes for some reason. Poomaman laughs, the callous swine. Poomaman rescues Cholo with some very bad combat skills, before more Il Divo members arrive for Fighty Bit II. He trashes two very nice cars, because pumas feel no solidarity with Jaguars, evidently. Cut to: nice country pile, and our heroes have tracked the lovely Sydne there with the transmitter/receiver. Pleasance (now in a gold lamé dressing gown) has invited a bunch of high-zoot military/political types for a meeting. Naturally, he hypnomatises them with the mask and judicious use of wobble-cam. Donald then reveals the world-domination plot in classic style and instructs Sydne to kill Pumaman. Poomaman attacks Don P and Sydne fails to shoot him (the full 'Point Break/Hot Fuzz' shooting in the air thing), but Pleasance is protected by a bell tent of doom. Or electricity or something. Pumaman flies away, then goes into reverse as our villain uses the mask to try and control him. The forces of the cosmo (not cosmos) belong to Dr Evil now. Cholo and Pumaman have a bonding session with mantras and cuddling. Poomaman somehow shrugs off the hypnotic command to commit suicide, by making himself dead for ten minutes. Henchmen find him apparently dead and ask Pleasance if they should make sure with a bullet. Guess what the reply is? Yup. Upon coming back to life, our hero gets his nose wiped by faithful Cholo, who is practically wagging his tail, but has lost his Poomamanliness. Cholo decides on the suicide-bomber route. He gets captured, naturally, because he's not Caucasian or the hero. Pleasance, back in the binbag suit, uses the mask in a battle of wills with Cholo and the camera shakes a lot. Pumaman's powers return because Sydne smashes a plaster replica of him, and laughable hand-to-hand combat ensues. Cholo uses Aztec Fu plus being big and scary, while Poomaman bounces up and down a lot. Donald Pleasance escapes in a helicopter. Following a Pumaman intervention, a model helicopter crashes. It's all over, and they repair to a Stonehenge-type place (very Aztec) with Sydne (hey a Pooma's got needs and urges, right?). A Christmas Tree bauble appears, piloted by the gods/aliens responsible for Pooma-Powers. They nick the mask and sod off. Cholo disappears too. Pumaman and Sydne plan to have mid-air sex because "that's how you make little Poomamen" (genuine dialogue). Edited February 20, 2015 by Futtocks Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) RIP Robert Z'Dar. . Edited April 1, 2015 by Futtocks Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C H Calthrop Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 This is simply too good to keep to quiet about. And without doubt deserving of an Oscar for the hair of the leading man. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJNQE4GIxP8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 (edited) Ooh! Just sampled a few scenes and this stinks the place out magnificently! Here's the badmovies.org review: http://www.badmovies.org/movies/megaforce/ MST3K may have gone, but Rifftrax have revived the concept, with the input of some of the original guys. It turns out that Rifftrax fans have been requesting a treatment on 'Megaforce' for a while now. Edited March 2, 2015 by Futtocks Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C H Calthrop Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 (edited) Ooh! Just sampled a few scenes and this stinks the place out magnificently! Here's the badmovies.org review: http://www.badmovies.org/movies/megaforce/ MST3K may have gone, but Rifftrax have revived the concept, with the input of some of the original guys. It turns out that Rifftrax fans have been requesting a treatment on 'Megaforce' for a while now. The cheese is strong with this one, the inspiration for Team America f### yeah!. And the final scene with the flying cycle is awesome, 1.31:17. Edited March 2, 2015 by C H Calthrop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 Referring back to an earlier post, here's the MST3K take on 'Space Mutiny'. Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 Another Mystery Science Theater 3000 viewing, this time 'Hercules and the captive Women'. Okay, there's only one captive woman, but other than that, I can confirm that Hercules does feature in this clumpy swords'n'sorcery tale. He spends quite a lot of the first part of the film fast asleep, mind. But I like the way the lion clearly switches from real to obviously stuffed when he fights it, and the gaping join between the lizard-type-thing's head and body is also amusing. Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 On MST3K, 'Time Chasers'.Producer: We need an action hero to play the main part, like Kurt Russell.Accountant: We can't afford Kurt Russell, sir.Producer: Then get me someone else with a big chin and a mullet.Accountant: Okey-doke... Producer: You are FIRED! Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) Zombie Nightmare. So bad, so so bad, but with MST3K on the case, everything is better. Tia Carrere hides ineffectively behind a pane of glass, Adam 'Batman' West plays a cop, the bad guy is as wimpy as it is possible to be, and the lead singer of metal band Thor takes time off from exploding hot water bottles (look it up) to play the title role. Look out for the 'corpse' in the pool - dead men shouldn't be able to tread water. Oh, and if you thought you'd seen overacting, the woman who plays the Voodoo priestess makes Pia Zadora look like the acme of understatement. Edited March 27, 2015 by Futtocks Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 Prince of Space - Japanese B&W sci-fi turkey. The poultry angle is strengthened by the evil aliens' nose-beaks and that their spaceship looks like a roast chicken when seen from below. So, heinous poultry-based life forms come to Earth to steal some advanced rocket fuel. They are foiled repeatedly by a mysterious masked man in a tiny flying saucer. The film is padded out by repetition. Prince of Space says "your weapons have no effect on me" at least 10 times, while the bad guy/chicken's evil laugh adds about 15 seconds to the running time every time he does it. And he does it a lot. Oh, and there are three annoying kids in it. Of course there are annoying kids in it... Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 BTW, the Club MST3K website can list available episodes by popularity, so if the runaway #1 'Space Mutiny' doesn't make you laugh, you can wash your hands of the whole concept: http://www.club-mst3k.com/episodes?sort=laughs Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C H Calthrop Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Western cheese. Rarely do you find a homage (copy) of existing work which is as enjoyable as the original but this certainly is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) Today's feast of celluloid crud is 'Pod People'. Stinky... A lot of incoherent action (actually taken from 'The Galaxy Invader', a completely different film) during the opening credits, then it all slows down to a crawl for the camping in the woods scene and the surprise-surprise "that was no lightning strike, something crashed over there!" line. The irritating kid has made his first appearance. And now the 'cool' teens. This is like A.L.F. goes on a killing spree. Edited April 20, 2015 by Futtocks Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted April 26, 2015 Author Share Posted April 26, 2015 On Channel 5 at teatime today, you can marvel at David Bowie's preposterous wig in 'Labyrinth'. Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted April 26, 2015 Author Share Posted April 26, 2015 On Channel 5 at teatime today, you can marvel at David Bowie's preposterous wig in 'Labyrinth'. Enjoy... Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted April 29, 2015 Author Share Posted April 29, 2015 Moon Zero Two, featuring (among others) Warren Mitchell, Carol Cleveland and Bernard Bresslaw. And a game of 'Moonopoly' in one scene. Really! It isn't supposed to be a comedy, either. But Catherine Schell's in it too, which is always an aesthetic recompense for a bad film. Which this very much is. Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomdooley Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 Check out movies for men you get plenty on there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted May 2, 2015 Author Share Posted May 2, 2015 Check out movies for men you get plenty on there. I reckon the Movies for Men office break out the champagne any time they get to show a film with a higher than 2 star rating... ...and their annual champagne bill is negligible. Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted May 2, 2015 Author Share Posted May 2, 2015 'Night of the Lepus' Janet Leigh! DeForrest 'Bones' Kelly! Giant mutant rabbits! What's not to like? Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 'Diabolik' A sort of super-antihero crime genius in a series of gimp suits with an underlying Austin Powers feel that goes all murder-ey at times. A Eurotrash film of quite astonishing incoherence. Starring John Phillip Law ('Barbarella' and the immortal stinker 'Space Mutiny'*). This would be entirely unwatchable if it wasn't given the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 treatment, in their final ever episode. *see earlier posts. Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 Today's experiment is 'Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders'. Oh dear, it is quite magnificently poor! Enjoy it here: http://www.club-mst3k.com/1003-merlin-s-shop-of-mystical-wonders Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C H Calthrop Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Rule bloody Britannia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuLeIboBpO4&index=343&list=WL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 (edited) Angels' Revenge. A cross between the A Team and Charlie's Angels. One of Jack Palance's many many career cul-de-sacs. A team of six young women with all the acting talent of 0.1% of one woman, including Playboy model Susan Kiger, team up to fight the evil of drugs. The team, naturally, includes a token black woman (who is the big tough one) and a token Asian woman (who is the martial arts expert. Bet you didn't expect that!). The rest of the team? They run the gamut, from boobs'n'big hair to big hair'n'boobs.. The dialogue is delivered as if read for the first time, with pauses before long words and the emphasis frequently on the wrong syllables. Then it's on with the revealing white satin jumpsuits and into (unconvincing) action. Edited May 12, 2015 by Futtocks Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chuffer Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 Looking forward to the human centipede 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Futtocks Posted May 13, 2015 Author Share Posted May 13, 2015 (edited) Looking forward to the human centipede 3 You do know that, after last Thursday's result, there won't be a coalition government? Edited May 13, 2015 by Futtocks Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. Ralph Waldo Emerson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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