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Futtocks

The cheesy B-Movie thread

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Long before Peter Jackson, back in the fabled Eighties, there was a feature film of 'The Hobbit'. No, not that one. Or the other one you might be thinking of.

 

This was the USSR's attempt and it is, at least, shorter than the Kiwi bloatmeister's trilogy. Provided with what I suspect are not entirely serious translations in subtitle form, here is "The Hobbitski". Some swearing.

 



"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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'Tammy & the T-Rex'. 

 

A scientist implants the brain of Michael, a murdered high school student, into an animatronic Tyrannosaurus. He takes vengeance on his high school tormentors and is reunited with his sweetheart Tammy. In the end, Michael's brain is removed from the robot lizard and, now just sitting in a jar. It is, as far as I can tell, played for laughs. Not many laughs, mind. There is also some magnificently bad SFX, especially when the T-Rex uses a phone box.

 

Tammy is played by Denise Richards, who has actually been in some reasonably good films, including the funny and underrated 'Drop Dead Gorgeous'. I think, if you mentioned 'Tammy & the T-Rex' to her now, she'd start crying uncontrollably. So if you meet her, be kind.


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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A sequel to 'Hawk the Slayer'? Ace! B) 


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Last night, I watched Welcome home, Brother Charles, a thunderingly inept piece of Blaxploitation from 1975.

 

It is all completely generic apart from one thing - HE USES HIS MAGIC PENIS TO STRANGLE A MAN TEN FEET AWAY!  :O


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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lol, wtf?!?

Exactly. What. I. Said.

 

Unfortunately.


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Does it physically strangle the man or does it have some strange psychokinetic power and chokes him with its mind?

You should be so lucky - it is a purely physical strangulation.

 

And, just to make it worse, this is the facial expression he uses while he is carrying out the deed in question.

 

marlo-monte.jpg?w=538


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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I watched 'Samurai Cop', which is actually worse than the title suggests... and the title suggests badness to start with.

 

The cheapness, crassness, fumbled pacing and wooden performances are something to behold, but it is actually far more entertaining to watch this interview (in two parts) with the star, Matt Karedas/Hannon instead.

 

The scene with the nurse and co-star Mark Frazer's botched reaction shots is painfully funny.

 

Happily, Matt can laugh about it now and many of the best worst bits are shown during the interview.

 

Edited by Futtocks

"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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I watched 'Samurai Cop', which is actually worse than the title suggests... and the title suggests badness to start with.

 

The cheapness, crassness, fumbled pacing and wooden performances are something to behold, but it is actually far more entertaining to watch this interview (in two parts) with the star, Matt Karedas/Hannon instead.

 

The scene with the nurse and co-star Mark Frazer's botched reaction shots is painfully funny.

 

Happily, Matt can laugh about it now and many of the best worst bits are shown during the interview.

 

This film hits you with 10 different types of awesome all at once. The bit where the wig comes off mid fight scene, the bad guy tries to push it back on his head and they keep it in the final cut. :O 

 And in part 2 of the interview the interviewer asks "how do you try and capture lightning in a bottle again for Samurai Cop 2 ".

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This film hits you with 10 different types of awesome all at once. The bit where the wig comes off mid fight scene, the bad guy tries to push it back on his head and they keep it in the final cut. :O

 And in part 2 of the interview the interviewer asks "how do you try and capture lightning in a bottle again for Samurai Cop 2 ".

It is so sloppy - when the sex-mad female cop is attacked in her house, she opens a drawer with an automatic pistol inside, but when Robert Z'Dar disarms her, a revolver is taken from her hand. And so much more in the same vein.

 

I have Samurai Cop II on disc and will watch it soon. It'll have to go some to beat the original. And it probably won't.

 

But after watching the interview, I really changed my opinion of Matt. He was funny, articulate and charming, if you discount his scary eyes.


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Samurai Cop II: Deadly Vengeance

 

Let's get this out of the way right at the start; this KickStartered sequel is far too self-referential for its own good, and that's not really a positive. It lacks the thunderingly inept, yet earnest appeal of the original. 

 

On the other hand, it does not quite have the cynical schlock-by-numbers knowingness of Asylum releases like Sharknado, Mega Shark, Sharktopus and (surely some time soon) the Sharkshank Redemption or maybe Sharks & Recreation. 

 

However... Matt Hannon/Karedas and Mark Frazer are back together as partners and they seem to be genuinely enjoying themselves. There are nods to fans of bad movies and the riffing thereof, in the casting of Tommy Wiseau (The Room) and Joe Estevez (Werewolf, Soultaker). There's even a character called Officer Z'Dar, in an affectionate tribute to the late B-movie legend Robert Z'Dar who was the villain in the original movie.

 

Otherwise, it looks like everyone's family and drinking buddies were invited to fill out the cast, along with young women willing to take their tops off at the drop of an Eighties cliché. There is a welcome sprinkling of original cast members, some of which have aged a lot better than others.

 

Overall, however, this is a garbled and gratuitous mess that's just a little too pleased with itself. 

 

Maybe a proper sequel could never really be made in the modern era, where every trope is extensively discussed and laughed at online. These days, genuinely bad films are made by the likes of Michael Bay or feature characters like Jar-Jar Binks... and they're not fun-bad. 

 

I hope I'm wrong, but the movie world seems to have lost an innocent something; the "heroic failure" factor. People who aimed for the epic, but achieved magnificent wretchedness - they seem less common nowadays.


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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The live RiffTrax treatment of 'Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny'.

 

This is a colossal mess of a children's Christmas TV special, as a ramblingly incoherent, arm-flailing Santa Claus gets his sleigh stuck in the sand on a Florida beach, because his reindeer have run away.

 

An assortment of children, animals and a bloke in a gorilla suit try to help him shift it, with no success. They are watched by Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, lurking in the bushes. By this time, the dark sweat-stain on the seat of Santa's trousers has grown even more huge and obvious. 

 

Then it switches to a musical (in the very loosest sense of the word), based on Jack & the Beanstalk.

 

Finally, the the Ice Cream Bunny turns up on a fire engine, a dog barks in quite evident hysterical fear at the Bunny, which drives off with Santa as the children wave.

 

Apologies if any of the above seems to make sense. If it did, that was my error, not the film's.

Edited by Futtocks

"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Oh yes, RiffTrax just released their treatment of 'Samurai Cop', and it is all things good! :D 


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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'Robot Holocaust' - A hero called Neo battles an evil computer who has enslaved humans to provide power for it.

 

13 years before 'The Matrix'. But without the production values.

I just watched this again. Why? Oh, dear God why?

 

Okay, the reason is Angelika Jager as the chief bad girl. She'd be great in silent movies. Anything to stop her reciting phonetically memorised dialogue like that. But she is fab on the optic nerves...

 

Here's a taste of the thespian talent on offer.


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Animal Soccer World. You only need to watch about a minute of this, because it is all as bad as that minute, if not worse. Made by Dingo Pictures and also incorporated into a computer game (hence the PS2 reference in the YouTube title).

 

The glacial pacing, the beyond-clumsy dubbing, the terrible drawing, the utter dullness of the plot, the imbecilic script, the copyright infringements, the horror... the horror...

 


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Genius!

I can't believe it isn't an Asylum release!


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Phase IV (1974)

220px-PhaseIV.jpg

Porridge-paced, incoherent and with more long pauses than Harold Pinter with laryngitis; how can a killer ants movie be so dull? 

 

The human characters are even less likeable and individually memorable than the ants.


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Just watching the latest 'Wheel of the Worst' (Episode 11) from Red Letter Media. Three all-time lows in video 'entertainment', laughed at, squirmed at and dissected. Language NSFW.

 

 

Video #1: How to seduce Women through Hypnosis. This is even creepier than it sounds. A feeble disclaimer to discourage potential rapists is totally unconvincing.

Video #2: How to get Revenge (presented by Linda 'The Exorcist' Blair). A set of frankly dangerous and vile suggestions, and so legally questionable I can't believe it was ever released. The disclaimer on this is (possibly) even worse.

Video #3: UPC Codes and 666 (Beware the Mark of the Beast). How barcodes are the mark of Satan. Even more foil-hatted, paranoid theorising than an average TRL thread about Nigel Wood.

 

 

Edited by Futtocks

"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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Ooh! I just found a pilot for a Sixties TV sci-fi show on YouTube called The Solarnauts. It never made it as far as a series, but it has a goofy charm and style that tries to channel the Buck Rogers/Commando Cody sort of shows from the Fifties.

 

All very ho-hum, you might think. But one of our intrepid space heroes is played by... Derek Fowlds! Yup, Bernard from Yes Minister plays all-action space ace 'Tempo'!

 


 


"Men will be proud to say 'I am a European'. We hope to see a day when men of every country will think as much of being a European as of being from their native land." (Winston Churchill)

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