The cheesy B-Movie thread

[Futtocks]

what about THE WARRIORS? the most amazing b movie of all time. or,just for the title alone,HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN!

The Warriors is a superb film, especially as the cast were almost all completely inexperienced. It has a 'B Movie' feel to it, without the usual lack of quality.

 

It also marked a career high point for Michael Beck, who played Swan. After owning the screen in this, he took supporting parts in some real stinkers.

 

For fun, you can watch The Warriors while tracking where it all happened (and what it looks like now), thanks to this exceptionally thorough bit of location scouting.

Edited May 25, 2016 by Futtocks

[JDINTHEHIZZOUSE]

cheers for the link futtocks,im surprised nobody has mentioned the warriors before now

[Futtocks]

cheers for the link futtocks,im surprised nobody has mentioned the warriors before now

Maybe they fear that, if it gets too many mentions on the internet, the unwanted and unnecessary remake might be put back on track...

[C H Calthrop]

 

It's about time.... and Catherine Oxenberg.

[Futtocks]

It's about time.... and Catherine Oxenberg.

Her name rang only a faint bell, so I Googled it to remind me what she was in.

 

Apparently she's the daughter of Princess Elizabeth of Yugoslavia!

[metallithrax]

I remember when I was a nipper watching this gem as the support film for "Viva Knievel". Can't remember much of the plot - only that I laughed until I ached http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069697/.

 

Even now, when I see my mate Mark that I went with (we were about 11 or 12), we still recall laughing till we were nearly sick at this film.

Got that on DVD, the girlfriend loves it.

 

A real classic gone unnoticed.

Also got this one, enjoy watching it.

 

The Big Bus (1973) A disaster movie spoof that pre-dates the 'Airplane' franchise by 4 years.

 

The plot: a massive nuclear-powered bus is on its maiden voyage, non-stop from New York to Denver. But an evil genius plans to sabotage the bus on behalf of the oil industry. Lots of guest stars, from Larry Hagman to Ned Beatty to Lynn Redgrave to Murphy Dunne.

 

The gags aren't as quickfire as 'Airplane', or as reliably funny, but it's still a lot of silly fun. And the Big Bus itself was an actual working vehicle, complete with upstairs cocktail bar/piano lounge.

 

Had forgotten about this, will have to see if it is on Kodi.

 

Watched a film last night - Robert (or Robert the doll) - definite B grade.  Also, Run For Your Wife - starring Danny Dyer, Neil Morrisey, Denise Van Outen & Sarah Harding.

 

 

 

Some people would also say any Adam Sandler film, but we like most of them.

[C H Calthrop]

Got that on DVD, the girlfriend loves it.

 

Also got this one, enjoy watching it.

 

Had forgotten about this, will have to see if it is on Kodi.

 

Watched a film last night - Robert (or Robert the doll) - definite B grade.  Also, Run For Your Wife - starring Danny Dyer, Neil Morrisey, Denise Van Outen & Sarah Harding.

 

 

 

Some people would also say any Adam Sandler film, but we like most of them.

Who doesn't like a bit of Dyer. Most of his films are, I suppose, B movies but Doghouse and Severance are A grade B movies.

[Futtocks]

Who doesn't like a bit of Dyer. 

* puts hand up * Me!

 

Of course, some B Movies are better than expected - Roger Corman's 1994 version of 'The Fantastic Four' may have had cheap-as-chips SFX and it was never officially released, but I reckon the film as a whole is better than any of the rather lifeless big-budget CGI attempts in more recent years.

[C H Calthrop]

* puts hand up * Me!

 

Of course, some B Movies are better than expected - Roger Corman's 1994 version of 'The Fantastic Four' may have had cheap-as-chips SFX and it was never officially released, but I reckon the film as a whole is better than any of the rather lifeless big-budget CGI attempts in more recent years.

The Business was a worthy film and the two I mentioned, he plays his character well. 

If you want disappointment then the new Ghostbusters looks perfectly crafted to fill every awful nook and cranny the original deftly didn't explore

[Futtocks]

Good point - I haven't heard a single positive thing about the Ghostbusters reboot. Everything about it sounds dismal.

 

As for Danny "I worked wiv 'Arold Pinter" Dyer, I'm guessing that, even in the films your recommended, he plays a well 'ard Cockernee geezah, possibly wiv a shootah.

Edited May 27, 2016 by Futtocks

[C H Calthrop]

Good point - I haven't heard a single positive thing about the Ghostbusters reboot. Everything about it sounds dismal.

 

As for Danny "I worked wiv 'Arold Pinter" Dyer, I'm guessing that, even in the films your recommended, he plays a well 'ard Cockernee geezah, possibly wiv a shootah.

He's very good at playing Danny Dyer. The Business is excellent. An 80's setting for an urban fairy tale of a kid dun gud working his way up the ladder of diamond geezers exiled to Spain before chancing his arm once too often and still coming out ...... well of a marine sewer outflow smelling of '#?*  but on top.

 

The new ghostbusters gives an indication  of the level of insulation some Hollywood offices have before a film is released

Edited May 27, 2016 by C H Calthrop

[Futtocks]

Do or Die (1991) dir. Andy Sidaris

 

Yup, it's another Sidaris jigglefest! This time Pat Morita (from 'The Karate Kid') is an evil criminal mastermind who informs secret agents Dona Speir (Playmate of the Month, March 1984) and Roberta Vasquez (Playmate of the Month, November 1984) that he has set six pairs of assassins on their shapely tails. The two busty agents have to survive and dispose of their would-be killers and, well, that's about it.

 

Here's noted reviewer Joe Bob Briggs' rundown on the stats: Twenty breasts. Fourteen dead bodies. One dead cat. One dead duck. Five motor vehicle chases. Exploding helicopter. Exploding Volkswagen. Exploding boat. Exploding ninjas. Helicopter-and-Jeep chase. Two machine-gun battles. Two hot tub scenes. Gratuitous model-airplane competition. Kung Fu. Hula Fu. Throwing star Fu. Jet-ski Fu. 

 

Along the way, our heroines are joined by Erik 'CHiPs' Estrada, despite him being a baddie who was killed in the previous film in the series. Also helping out are Cynthia Brimhall (Playmate of the Month, October 1985), porn star Pandora Peaks (frankly deformed in the chestical area) and former World Speedway champ Bruce Penhall, who has all the acting chops you'd expect from someone whose entire life up to this point has been devoted to riding motorbikes very quickly.

 

Comic relief is supplied by two particularly inept hitmen, played by Sidaris regulars Richard Cansino and Chu Chu Malave. Actually, they aren't bad, although their parts are hardly challenging.

 

It is also worth pointing out that baddie Kane is played here by oriental American Pat Morita (b.1932) but in the next film, he's played by young, caucasian and English Geoffrey Moore (b.1966), son of Roger.

[Futtocks]

Cool as Ice (1991) RiffTrax treatment

 

Worse than I expected. And I expected it to be 100 times worse than 'Road House'. So bad, Naomi Campbell is in it.

 

This is a contender for the crassest, most imbecilic movie ever made. Compared to this, 'Super Mario Bros' is a staggering work of heartbreaking poetry.

 

It was a vehicle for the just-expired popularity of Robert van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice, aka the white rapper who made Snow look legit. He and his wimpy biker gang bowl into a small town without a suitcase between them, but still with several costume changes of equal preposterousness. He proceeds to endanger the life of a nice girl, thus making her fall in love with him. Naturally, he antagonises the squares with his totally radical attitude and use of the catchphrase "yep yep".

 

At one point, he takes over the local dance hall to anally violate a Sly Stone track and seduces the leading lady with a mixture of sub-MC Hammer prancing and some horribly crass dry humping.

 

Despite piggybacking on his hit album, for contractual reasons none of the tracks that even his most ardent fans had heard of are part of this especially stinky piece of cinematic cheese.

 

The leading man is so utterly ludicrous, charmless, talentless and gormless, the folks of today complaining about Justin Bieber don't know how lucky they are. Any fan of 'The Simpsons' will recognise him as the blueprint for Poochy.

 

Thankfully, the RiffTrax crew give it the kicking it very richly deserves, without which I couldn't have got through this. Yep yep.

Edited July 27, 2016 by Futtocks

[Futtocks]

Hold the front page - Neil Breen has released another movie!

 

Like all of his films, he is the star. And the director/editor/producer/scriptwriter/financier/cinematographer/gaffer/best boy/caterer/floor-sweeper/casting agent/everything else too. It is released under the 'Neil Breen Films' company aegis, as were all his other films.

 

As ever, he looks like a Vulcan Neil Diamond, and delivers his lines like he's seen each word for the first time in that language the moment he says it. He makes 'message' movies, where he usually plays an all-knowing mysterious character who is here to cleanse the world from the evils of mankind. But this time, while he has come to save us all, he kills a LOT of folks in the process.

 

Beyond these semi-understandable touchstones lies... a strange, incoherently dreamlike world, where nothing much makes sense (like continuity), while the levels of acting, direction ad production are random at best. 

 

The thing about Breen is that he is passionate and driven, and seems completely 100% genuine about his vision. Contrast this to the Asylum (Sharknado and the like) or 'Scary Movie' people, who are openly winking at the screen and saying "hey, look at this cruddy B-Movie we made (with enough budget to do something actually good if we had the talent)".

 

Neil Breen is the point in human history where Ed Wood Jr and David Icke intersect. The question is, will the world survive such a union?

 

Enough yakkin', here's the trailer.

 

Edited August 12, 2016 by Futtocks

[C H Calthrop]

What happens when you cross the film Volcano, 8 legged freaks and Police Academy .......... you get "LAVALANTULA" 

This film must have been made for pocket change and is 10 times more credible than the writing and acting in the new Ghostbusters.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COTysowaJnA

[Futtocks]

The Barbarians (1987)

 

Imagine if you took all the clunkiest scenes from Red Sonja and Ahnoldt's Conan movies, removed all the acting skills of those films' leads and built the movie around two bodybuilders from Brooklyn who thought they were funny. Funny, as in they think rolling around barking like seals is hilarious. And I don't think that, in Barbarianland, people were normally addressed as "hey, buddy".

 

Chuck in Eva LaRue (pre-CSI) and Michael Berryman. You know him; he's the bloke who looks like Pierluigi Collina. Berryman clearly knows that this film is a complete turkey and hams it up wildly - in fact, he seems to be having an absolute blast with what we shall, charitably, call a "script".

 

The bad guy is Richard Lynch... and doesn't he wish he wasn't. You can almost see the regret dripping off him in every scene.

 

Oh, and the director is Ruggiero Deodato (IMDB deems him guilty of Hercules: Prisoner of Evil, Waves of Lust, Jungle Holocaust & Mom, I can do it).

Edited September 7, 2016 by Futtocks

[Futtocks]

Starcrash: all you need to know...

 

[C H Calthrop]

AWESOMMMMMMMMMMME!

[Futtocks]

Fantasy Mission Force (1983)

 

Officially an action comedy, but really, this Hong Kong movie makes no sense at all. 

 

Some American generals (in 19th century uniform) are captured in Canada by Japanese Nazis (in 20th century uniform). A 'Dirty Dozen' commando force is assembled, including two oriental soldiers in kilts, a woman who appear to be the only competent one, a bloke in a white dinner jacket, an escape artist and a drunk. I didn't mention that one of the generals is called Abraham Lincoln, did I? 

 

Jackie Chan is in this film, but his character is not part of the commando group, and only appears sporadically until... well, you'll see. Apparently, he owed one of the leading actors a favour. Which he now regrets.

 

There are musical/dance sequences, hooded flying cannibal Amazons (keep up!), at least two cases of anal stabbing, hopping vampires, a torch-bearing Nazi horde and a stash of money, with all the scheming and double-crosses that that entails. 

 

Then, towards the end, all of the heroes are killed off really suddenly and Jackie Chan (who wasn't in the film all that much before but suddenly becomes a major character) kills the baddie as if he was the leading man all along.

 

Some decent fight scenes, but also totally baffling and incoherent.

Edited September 22, 2016 by Futtocks

[Futtocks]

He's back!

 

[Futtocks]

The Apple (1980)

aka Star Rock

 

A futuristic Disco musical about corporate music being the work of the devil. This is the one to quote when someone tells you 'Xanadu' is the nadir of disco-themed celluloid.

 

Boogalow International Music (BIM) is the music megacorporation, who run a world version of Eurovision. An unnexpected hit is two Canadians (Alphie & Bibi) whose wholesome acoustic balladry goes down better than BIM's boss, Mr Boogalow, likes. His big boy-girl act (Dandi & Pandi) have a glossy production number chock full of silver catsuits and dancers.

 

Mr Boogalow offers them a contract, which Bibi signs, after being slipped a pill by Dandi. Alphie, however, has a vision of Mr B as Satan and the contract as the apple from the Garden of Eden, so refuses to sign. Bibi is immediately seduced by her new lifestyle and starts performing rotten disco songs. 

 

Alphie, back at his crummy flat with no job, writes another heartfelt (dull) ballad, gropes Miriam Margolyes' breasts for absolutely no reason, then heads off to a studio where he's told his music isn't commercially viable.

 

For some reason, BIM then takes over the government and suddenly everybody is required by law to wear a BIM badge and exercise every day during 'BIM Hour'. This is enforced by formation-dancing policemen. 

 

Bibi, played by Catherine Mary Stewart (who has gone on to much better work since) becomes the big star and BIM's previous darlings start to get jealous. Alphie is played by George Gilmour, who you haven't seen in anything else, because this is his sole acting credit.

 

Alphie is drugged and seduced by Pandi. This leads to a remorseful sequence where he discovers Bibi in bed with Dandi. Then he wakes up in a hippie commune run by Joss Ackland. No transition, no explanation, he's just there.

 

Cut back to Bibi, also feeling post-shag remorse. She goes in search of Alphie and, well you can see how this is going,can't you? Lovers reunite, perform at the Big Gig and blow the evil corporate band off the stage, standing ovation, kiss, credits, right?

 

WRONG! Lovers reunite, live in a cave, have a baby and then the riot police turn up to arrest them. What can save our plucky heroes and their unwashed friends? Well, a flying Rolls-Royce turns up, piloted by someone called Mr Topps, who is apparently God. Then there's the Rapture. Not kidding; the hippies all walk off into the sky while the baddies seethe impotently. This is the sum total of their come-uppance. Even Mr Boogalow/Satan/Simon Cowell is left unharmed. Then you get the credits.

Edited October 11, 2016 by Futtocks

[RidingPie]

Bubba Hotep
 
An aging, penniless Elvis (Bruce Campbell) discovers that the undead mummy is sucking the life force out of some of his nursing homes other residents (through their ######), and someone needs to stop this! But this job is too much for even Elvis alone! So he calls on the help of another resident, JFK (Ossie Davis... the aliens changed his skin colour when they abducted him) to help put an end to its undead meadling.
 
Wonderfully goofy and a story concept you've not come across before. I loved it, although I have got some friends who don't particularly like it.

 

Edited October 12, 2016 by RidingPie

[Futtocks]

 

Bubba Hotep

 

An aging, penniless Elvis (Bruce Campbell) discovers that the undead mummy is sucking the life force out of some of his nursing homes other residents (through their ######), and someone needs to stop this! But this job is too much for even Elvis alone! So he calls on the help of another resident, JFK (Ossie Davis... the aliens changed his skin colour when they abducted him) to help put an end to its undead meadling.

 

Wonderfully goofy and a story concept you've not come across before. I loved it, although I have got some friends who don't particularly like it.

 

A mad mad concept, and a very funny film.

[Futtocks]

Trailer for 'The Apple' - just a mild taster. Allan Love, who plays Dandi, is the guy offering the giant apple to Bibi. He was once in a band with Lemmy (Opal Butterfly) and now owns a chippy in Brighton.

 

[Futtocks]

I think I may have to watch this next...