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The cheesy B-Movie thread

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Here's a li'l Brucie Bonus in the same theme - Jon Bon Jovi's first paid recording gig.

 

 


Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. (Susan Ertz)

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The New Zealand cheese ball "Black Sheep" is now on BBC i-player. Genetically modified killer sheep cause mischief and death. Similar in style to the offerings of the Childrens Film Foundations films of the 60' and 70's, youngsters battling against the forces of ruthless corporatism  but with more sheep related gore.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00vtwg3/black-sheep

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The New Zealand cheese ball "Black Sheep" is now on BBC i-player. Genetically modified killer sheep cause mischief and death. Similar in style to the offerings of the Childrens Film Foundations films of the 60' and 70's, youngsters battling against the forces of ruthless corporatism  but with more sheep related gore.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00vtwg3/black-sheep

Sounds like similar NZ humour to Peter Jackson's early films Bad Taste and Brain Dead. Both are quite wonderfully disgusting.

Edited by Futtocks

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. (Susan Ertz)

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Sounds like similar NZ humour to Peter Jackson's early films Bad Taste and Brain Dead. Both are quite wonderfully disgusting.

Much better production value than Bad Taste. Actually a decent horror comedy.

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Manos: The Hands of Fate.

Joe Schmoe, wife, whiney sprog and poodle are driving. And driving. And driving. And driving. And... you get the picture. This movie has the pacing of continental drift. At one point, an out-of-control singer comes on the radio, making things worse.

 

Searching for a Lodge where they were supposed to stay the night, they pass a young guy and gal in a parked sportscar, who are swigging liquor and sucking face. A building appears, with a small and peculiar man standing in front. Joe Schmoe expresses the sentiment that "maybe this would be a good place to stay the night". Joe has never ever seen a horror movie. And is a prize boofhead to boot.

 

The small and peculiar man is Torgo, acolyte of "The Master" and he is just a mass of physical and facial tics. He appears to have nicked Gandalf's staff and is very unwelcoming. The Schmoes still decide to stay the night.

 

Upon entering the house, they are confronted with what appears to be a portrait of the long-dead corpse of Arthur ('Allo 'Allo) Bostrom and a big scary dog. This is, apparently, the Master. The Schmoes still decide to stay the night.

 

The poodle escapes, and is found dead. Then Torgo makes a seriously weird pass at Mrs Schmoe who reacts in glacial time. Then the irritating sprog vanishes, only to appear with a big scary dog. The Schmoes still decide to stay the night.

 

Meanwhile, the kids in the sportscar are still exchanging saliva. Torgo, who intends Mrs Schoe to be the Master's next wife, clonks Joe on the noggin and ties him up. The Schmoes no longer have any choice in whether to stay the night.

 

After about an hour into the film, the Master finally wakes up in a dungeon with his first six wives. Will something exciting actually happen? Probably not. While performing 'The Hayne Plane', he recites a prayer to a statue of Manos, who looks like a bust of the Mekon. His wives all wake up and start complaining. Then, as the Master departs, they argue and all start beating each other up fairly randomly, to a John Coltrane-lite soundtrack.

 

The Master confronts Torgo and tells him that, although his wives were in suspended animation, they were aware of him creeping into the crypt and fondling them. Torgo tells the Master that he wants Mrs Schmoe for himself. A wife of the master finds Joe, snogs him, then starts hitting him. Meanwhile, some of the other wives are still fighting each other to the sound of frenetic Hard Bop. Coltrane must be tiring out some time about now.

 

Getting seriously miffed at all the domestic strife, the Master decides to sacrifice his tallest wife. And Torgo. Cue "liturgical dance" and two wives trying to slap Torgo to death. When that doesn't seem to be working fast enough, the Master burns off Torgo's hand and laughs. Then stops. Then starts again.

 

The Schmoes finally decide to leave. Then Joe shoots a rattlesnake and they decide to go back. I repeat, they decide to GO BACK! Yep, back to pervy Torgo, his satanic Master, the fighty wives and a hellhound. The cops hear the shots and decide to investigate. Then they decide not to. In the house, the Master confronts the Schmoes, now out of focus, but with his satanic pooch. He does 'The Hayne Plane' for the fiftieth time in this celluloid abortion. Joe Schmoe fires two shots. Black screen.

 

Then the movie appears to start AGAIN, as two entirely new characters drive through the desert for what seems like three hours. They pass the sportscar with the snogging kids, who are still at it (some kind of record attempt?) Arriving at the house, Joe Schmoe welcomes them as the new acolyte of the Master. Wifey and brat are now tied up in the dungeon, in a sort of undead state. Torgo, who ran off into the desert sans hand, is presumably now suing his agent.

 

In short, TripAdvisor, I give this hotel a solid three out of five.

Soon to be released on Blu-Ray, for God's sake. This was a film made by a fertiliser salesman. For a bet...

 

...which I assume he lost.

Edited by Futtocks

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. (Susan Ertz)

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I give you Zardoz.  I think that's beyond cheesy B-movie into the stoner film category

 


“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime" - Mark Twain

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'Zardoz' was a total mess of a film. Very odd, but also laughable at the same time.


Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. (Susan Ertz)

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Today, the MST3K-riffed version of 'Gorgo', a British attempt at the Godzilla genre. Only with a plot that's like the idiot b'stard son of King Kong and Beowulf.

 

A salvage ship is washed up at what appears to be Brigadoon-on-Sea, presided over by a grumpy Samuel Beckett look-a-like. They provoke the unconvincing monster, but manage to capture it and take it to London to show in the circus. However, Gorgo's mummy comes to get him back, trashing the British Navy in the process.

 

In a refreshing change from the Toho films, it's London's turn to get pulverised this time, with extras from 'Oliver!' falling to the ground behind (badly) superimposed falling polystyrene rocks.

 

In a word, crud. In two words... still crud.


Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. (Susan Ertz)

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'Devil Fish', aka the half-assed Italian attempt at piggybacking the 'Jaws' franchise. Except the monster is half angler fish, half octopus.

As one IMDB reviewer has it, "seemingly edited with an onion-chopper".

 

Valentine Monnier's bathing suit seems to be a major plot point.

 

Devil-fish-1984-movie-shark-rosso-nelloc


Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. (Susan Ertz)

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'Devil Fish', aka the half-assed Italian attempt at piggybacking the 'Jaws' franchise. Except the monster is half angler fish, half octopus.

As one IMDB reviewer has it, "seemingly edited with an onion-chopper".

 

Valentine Monnier's bathing suit seems to be a major plot point.

 

Devil-fish-1984-movie-shark-rosso-nelloc

Here's the TVTropes rundown.


Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. (Susan Ertz)

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megaforce2.jpg

 

 

I really want to live in a world where men can dress like this on a daily basis and be saluted for their rugged individualism.

C H Calthrop, a message from Barry Bostwick that should part you from your money...


Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. (Susan Ertz)

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I can remember seeing this as a 9 or 10 year-old and thinking that it was sooooooo cool...

I have just watched the RiffTrax version of 'Megaforce' and it is as ace as Ace's baby-blue bandana. :biggrin: 


Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. (Susan Ertz)

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C H Calthrop, a message from Barry Bostwick that should part you from your money...

I actually have an 7 by 9 of George Peppard in Hannibal Smith mode avec cigar which Mrs Calthrop won't allow me to put up on the photo shelf anymore and pass him off as uncle Hannibal. Maybe the tight fitting jumpsuit and headband of uncle Barry will change her mind.

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I actually have an 7 by 9 of George Peppard in Hannibal Smith mode avec cigar which Mrs Calthrop won't allow me to put up on the photo shelf anymore and pass him off as uncle Hannibal. Maybe the tight fitting jumpsuit and headband of uncle Barry will change her mind.

What woman could resist?


Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. (Susan Ertz)

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The Big Bus (1973) A disaster movie spoof that pre-dates the 'Airplane' franchise by 4 years.

 

The plot: a massive nuclear-powered bus is on its maiden voyage, non-stop from New York to Denver. But an evil genius plans to sabotage the bus on behalf of the oil industry. Lots of guest stars, from Larry Hagman to Ned Beatty to Lynn Redgrave to Murphy Dunne.

 

The gags aren't as quickfire as 'Airplane', or as reliably funny, but it's still a lot of silly fun. And the Big Bus itself was an actual working vehicle, complete with upstairs cocktail bar/piano lounge.

 

The_Big_Bus2.jpg


Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. (Susan Ertz)

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The Big Bus (1973) A disaster movie spoof that pre-dates the 'Airplane' franchise by 4 years.

 

The plot: a massive nuclear-powered bus is on its maiden voyage, non-stop from New York to Denver. But an evil genius plans to sabotage the bus on behalf of the oil industry. Lots of guest stars, from Larry Hagman to Ned Beatty to Lynn Redgrave to Murphy Dunne.

 

The gags aren't as quickfire as 'Airplane', or as reliably funny, but it's still a lot of silly fun. And the Big Bus itself was an actual working vehicle, complete with upstairs cocktail bar/piano lounge.

 

The_Big_Bus2.jpg

For some reason I am drawn to the idea of spending lots of time in the cocktail lounge of a nuclear powered bus...... dressed in a Jason King stylee.... surrounded by big haired 70's type dolly birds. 

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The Horror of Party Beach

 

A teen beach flick crossed with the nerdy brother of the Creature from the Black Lagoon. With a touch of eco-warning thrown in.

 

A boat chucks barrels of something toxic overboard. The barrel's bung comes out immediately and pours onto a human skull on the ocean bed, which mutates into THE CREATURE!

 

Incredibly clean-cut teens congregate at 'Party Beach', and clash with a not-very-threatening biker gang. Then they all seem to be friends with each other. A weedy band (the Del-Aires) plays dull surf music while we witness some of the worst dancing ever committed to celluloid. Tomorrow's Republicans at play, folks.

 

Meanwhile, one girl swims out into the surf and is, with grim inevitability, grabbed by the monster and turned into a monster herself.

 

Don't feel sorry for the victims. These are the kind of teens who sing hymns at a slumber party. All that is missing is the Flying Nun. Thankfully, that particular scene ends in a merciful slaughter.

 

Following all the beach-related deaths and mutations, how do the teens assuage their grief? With another party at the beach, of course! But this time at night, which is naturally much much safer.

 

The monster's head is a sort of frog/duck/Barry Norman combo, only with a mouth full of what looks like frankfurters. As always, it moves veeeerrrrryyyyy slowly, but the victims, who have previously been frugging with all the energy of clean-living Caucasian youth become (but of course!) inexplicably unable to just run away.

 

sis-horror-6.jpg

 

Voodoo gets a fleeting mention for no apparent reason, courtesy of the film's token Black character - the regulation homespun wisdom-dispensing servant Eulabelle.

 

To be fair, the scriptwriters seem to have been enjoying themselves with some knowingly cheesy dialogue during the beach party. But the monster suits and the action sequences are Zappa-approved 'Cheepnis' of the best/worst kind.


Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. (Susan Ertz)

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This is not strictly a B-movie, or a movie at all... it is a, er, no, I can't describe it.

 

Anyway, I have just seen 'Fun in Balloonland', given the Rifftrax treatment. Oh my... what the hell is this nightmare, and who ever thought it would be entertaining? It flashes backwards and forwards and also repeats scenes, only with different voiceovers.

 

In addition, the narrator sounds like she's just on the far side of some sort of personal crisis and is medicating herself with gin and amyl nitrate.

Edited by Futtocks

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. (Susan Ertz)

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Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam, aka "The Turkish Star Wars". I'd known about this film for years, but today I finally got to watch it.

 

There was a bit, early on, which I thought almost made sense... then I watched that bit again, and it didn't.

 

ALL the space footage is nicked from 'Star Wars', despite nearly all of the film being based on Earth. Or a bit of it. That part is unclear. But every now and then they break up the Earth-based ramblings with completely random bits of Tie fighter v X-Wing action.

 

The music is filched from 'Indiana Jones' and 'Flash Gordon', there are many feral orange teddy bears and a lot of bouncing. And one of the 'dead' children seems to have trouble stopping himself from giggling.

 

Long hand-to-hand combat scenes, involving Krap Fu moves, 'Judo Chop' dismemberment of the aforementioned teddy bears, mummies, nunchuck-wielding Chelsea Pensioners, clunky robots and sundry other characters in papier-maché heads.

 

Continuity cockups a-go-go; I mean, how many times exactly did the Earth get blown up? The same stock footage appearing again and again, especially the X-Wing attack on a Death Star which isn't actually mentioned in the plot. Due to aspect ratio differences between the Turkish film and the stolen George Lucas footage, it's more of a Death Egg.

 

Batcrap crazy. Makes 'Manos: the Hands of Fate' look like a cinematic masterpiece. And that was made for a bet.

Just watched it again. Now you can too!


Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. (Susan Ertz)

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'Hawk the Slayer' had the two lead actors playing brothers - Jack Palance (b.1919) and John Terry* (b.1950). And it looks exactly as convincing as it reads.

 

*Not that one! 


Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. (Susan Ertz)

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'Hawk the Slayer' had the two lead actors playing brothers - Jack Palance (b.1919) and John Terry* (b.1950). And it looks exactly as convincing as it reads.
 
*Not that one! 

 

An awesome supporting cast though.

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