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26 minutes ago, Mumby Magic said:

As some may know Ive been seperated after 22 year relationship. I was hopung to be amicable  but being that way has meant there have been no boundaries Or rules regards to finance and my boys.

Can you please give a starting point including initial cost etc pls.

MM (Gav)

Sorry, Gav.

DO you have a solicitor yet? That is always the first step. You can only play nice once you have that strength.

It is a horrible time, the worst of my life even without kids.

"You clearly have never met Bob8 then, he's like a veritable Bryan Ferry of RL." - Johnoco 19 Jul 2014

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5 minutes ago, Bob8 said:

Sorry, Gav.

DO you have a solicitor yet? That is always the first step. You can only play nice once you have that strength.

It is a horrible time, the worst of my life even without kids.

No because I dont know initial cost and Im trying to get back on my feet financially. I have them 3 times a week and demanded money. I want this controlled money wise. Plus because I wasnt prompt with childcare as she wanted she was aggressive and swore down the phone. This is what has prompted it. 

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1 minute ago, Mumby Magic said:

No because I dont know initial cost and Im trying to get back on my feet financially. I have them 3 times a week and demanded money. I want this controlled money wise. Plus because I wasnt prompt with childcare as she wanted she was aggressive and swore down the phone. This is what has prompted it. 

You are going into one of the hardest times in your life with someone you are likely to still love on some level, while she is likely to believe you are the devil. This is no time for advice from strangers on the internet.

You can generally meet a solicitor for free and discussion of fees.

Again, I am also an ignorant no-one on the internet.

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"You clearly have never met Bob8 then, he's like a veritable Bryan Ferry of RL." - Johnoco 19 Jul 2014

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36 minutes ago, Mumby Magic said:

No because I dont know initial cost and Im trying to get back on my feet financially. I have them 3 times a week and demanded money. I want this controlled money wise. Plus because I wasnt prompt with childcare as she wanted she was aggressive and swore down the phone. This is what has prompted it. 

Don't demand anything, to keep it as amicable as you can, both sides have to be reasonable. My first wife disappeared on me for 12 years, and didn't request anything, unfortunately because she did disappear our joint mortgage meant I couldn't do anything with the property until she got in touch again.

My daughters mother however I was more in control. It was her house we were living in, so I was able to walk away under my control. We came to an agreement that I would see our daughter one day at the weekend, at first it started as a Saturday, but when she attached herself to a church meeting on a Saturday we changed it to Sunday's. I feel so much more in control, that I have said to her I will only have my daughter every other Sunday, because of her long days at her new school, and her mother working in London, they are not spending enough Mother/Daughter time together, my daughter leaves for Battle Abbey School at 0745, and returns home around 1815, so it's a long day for her, and with violin practice and homework, it is a long day.*

It is all about compromise to keep everyone happy & balanced.

*Her Jamaican Nan is primary carer, just so everyone knows she is not a Child Alone!

Edited by Bleep1673
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Where were you last Thursday?

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I got divorced about 5 years ago. I had an initial, free consultation with a solicitor of about 45 mins. So it was an outline of the situation and the assets we held between us. They also went through the charges, how they operate and some of the principles of the law around it.

My basic lesson was that the more you can agree and sort between you then the less you will need a solicitor and the less it will cost. You can get do-it-yourself divorce packs if you want to go down that route.

But....a less costly divorce involves a high level of trust, honesty, co-operation and compromise. 

My costs escalated because although we agreed the how to sort out the main elements of the finances (no kids involved), the ex then got greedy (and I think she was badly informed), and then spent 18 months to-ing and fro-ing with solicitors, to then end up not far away from where we started.  

 

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1 hour ago, shaun mc said:

I got divorced about 5 years ago. I had an initial, free consultation with a solicitor of about 45 mins. So it was an outline of the situation and the assets we held between us. They also went through the charges, how they operate and some of the principles of the law around it.

My basic lesson was that the more you can agree and sort between you then the less you will need a solicitor and the less it will cost. You can get do-it-yourself divorce packs if you want to go down that route.

But....a less costly divorce involves a high level of trust, honesty, co-operation and compromise. 

My costs escalated because although we agreed the how to sort out the main elements of the finances (no kids involved), the ex then got greedy (and I think she was badly informed), and then spent 18 months to-ing and fro-ing with solicitors, to then end up not far away from where we started.  

 

Thank you that has been suggested about free initial advice. 

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When I divorced we just split the money we had saved since we met and then put two columns on a piece of paper and we negotiated in a very friendly way how to split all material assets.

It was the most reasonable my ex-wife had ever been. Zero lawyer fees and very low stress.

We didn’t have kids though and that made it easier.

We also have counselling services in Australia that offer dispute resolution in an attempt to avoid expensive lawyers and court battles. ( https://www.relationships.org.au/what-we-do/services/family-dispute-resolution ) You may have something similar where you live.

Edited by Copa
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On 03/10/2020 at 13:53, Bleep1673 said:

Don't demand anything, to keep it as amicable as you can, both sides have to be reasonable. My first wife disappeared on me for 12 years, and didn't request anything, unfortunately because she did disappear our joint mortgage meant I couldn't do anything with the property until she got in touch again.

My daughters mother however I was more in control. It was her house we were living in, so I was able to walk away under my control. We came to an agreement that I would see our daughter one day at the weekend, at first it started as a Saturday, but when she attached herself to a church meeting on a Saturday we changed it to Sunday's. I feel so much more in control, that I have said to her I will only have my daughter every other Sunday, because of her long days at her new school, and her mother working in London, they are not spending enough Mother/Daughter time together, my daughter leaves for Battle Abbey School at 0745, and returns home around 1815, so it's a long day for her, and with violin practice and homework, it is a long day.*

It is all about compromise to keep everyone happy & balanced.

*Her Jamaican Nan is primary carer, just so everyone knows she is not a Child Alone!

 

1 hour ago, Copa said:

When I divorced we just split the money we had saved since we met and then put two columns on a piece of paper and we negotiated in a very friendly way how to split all material assets.

It was to most reasonable my ex-wife had ever been. Zero lawyer fees and very low stress.

We didn’t have kids though and that made it easier.

We also have counselling services in Australia that offer dispute resolution in an attempt to avoid expensive lawyers and court battles. ( https://www.relationships.org.au/what-we-do/services/family-dispute-resolution ) You may have something similar where you live.

This is the ideal that should be aimed for. It should certainly be the goal. But you are asking a lot of anyone to accept 50% of the blame and for them not to feel cheated in such an arrangement.

Certainly, aim to do it this way, but find a good solicitor and be ready. Just in case.

Edited by Bob8
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"You clearly have never met Bob8 then, he's like a veritable Bryan Ferry of RL." - Johnoco 19 Jul 2014

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I dare say there will be mediation services there which generally end up cheaper than the lawyers route, but if there are any relationship issues that will unbalance that mediation it's probably better to involve a lawyer.  I'm going through my separation too and the ex isn't being cooperative so I retained a lawyer.

I've basically laid out a number of possible solutions with regard to assets, visitation, material property, etc; best case, worst case and my boundaries.

I've found it much less stressful since the lawyers were involved as now many of the, lets say unreasonable, texts and emails have stopped.

Good luck brother, hang in there.

Edited by CanaBull
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Of my friends who have divorced with kids, those who got lawyers involved early were those who got through it quickly. The longer they delayed, the longer the process took and the more expensive it got. It forced professionalism on them, it seems.

One pair got their first draft papers out in two weeks after separation despite some very troubling reasons for their split. They still hate each other, but have a good system with their kids that has lasted for about 5 years now.

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"When in deadly danger, when beset by doubt; run in little circles, wave your arms and shout"

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2 hours ago, ckn said:

Of my friends who have divorced with kids, those who got lawyers involved early were those who got through it quickly. The longer they delayed, the longer the process took and the more expensive it got. It forced professionalism on them, it seems.

One pair got their first draft papers out in two weeks after separation despite some very troubling reasons for their split. They still hate each other, but have a good system with their kids that has lasted for about 5 years now.

If a partner wants to leave for something specific, then it can be they are will co-operate fully with putting their past behind them. But, often a dovorice is tougher than a marriage. If two cannot make a marriage work, it is unlikely a divorce will work out nicely.

"You clearly have never met Bob8 then, he's like a veritable Bryan Ferry of RL." - Johnoco 19 Jul 2014

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  • 5 months later...

Well The ball will be rolling. Another tongue lashing because I want to take the boys away has prompted me finally to start. Going to book free advice first. A day off work to do it but it'll be worth it. The ex is on about sharing solicitor as she thinks I agreed to a couple of things and that's it. Thoughts on using same solicitor pls.

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33 minutes ago, Mumby Magic said:

Well The ball will be rolling. Another tongue lashing because I want to take the boys away has prompted me finally to start. Going to book free advice first. A day off work to do it but it'll be worth it. The ex is on about sharing solicitor as she thinks I agreed to a couple of things and that's it. Thoughts on using same solicitor pls.

Not sure that it’s even possible to share a solicitor through a divorce. He can’t possibly represent both parties equally. 

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4 minutes ago, Mumby Magic said:

I believe they can. Tbh I don't really want to go down that route.

I don’t claim to be any kind of expert so get some advice but I doubt any reputable solicitor would do it. Everything I’ve read about advises against it. Here’s one example. 
 

That solicitors can act for both sides in a divorce

This is not allowed. Even where the husband and the wife have reached an agreement between them, it is not possible for the same solicitor to act for both of them. People sometime find this difficult to understand; if everything is agreed why can’t the solicitor act for them both? The reason is that there is a conflict of interest between the husband and the wife which makes it impossible; even a potential rather than an actual conflict renders it impossible. It might be that when advising or drafting the order, the solicitor needs to advise one party that the agreement is not in their best interests. If the solicitor is acting for both of them, which party would he advise? He cannot advise both.

Acting for both sides in any dispute is simply not allowed. I have on occasion come across cases where a solicitor has advised both sides together (often because he or she is dabbling in family law). This spectacularly unwise of them and frankly they should know better. I have also come across unqualified and unregulated “lawyers” who try to do this; their actions are dubious at best and possibly even illegal. If someone holds themselves out to be a solicitor when they are not, that is a criminal offence. Sometimes those adviser’s clients are under the false impression that the advisor is a solicitor.

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13 hours ago, Mumby Magic said:

Thoughts on using same solicitor pls.

There's a proper response above. Mine is simply: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

And, good luck with the process, it'll be awful so make sure you check in here (not this thread) to chat nonsense about whatever you want.

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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. (Terry Pratchett)

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Posted (edited)
16 minutes ago, gingerjon said:

There's a proper response above. Mine is simply: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

And, good luck with the process, it'll be awful so make sure you check in here (not this thread) to chat nonsense about whatever you want.

Thank you. Will do. Yep I thought the same but with a couple less o's lol.

Edited by Mumby Magic
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Like poor jokes? Thejoketeller@mullymessiah

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I'm sure solicitors have codes of ethics, but this says NO as well

They work for you and will follow your instructions, but they are also there to have enough funds to run a business

The cynic in me (aside from ethics and confidentiality etc) says that having access to both sides of the papers, the arguments, financials, assets, settlement proposals etc, gives them an opportunity.......

I wouldn't have considered it in my divorce, even if the other half proposed it as it could be quicker and cheaper.

Edited by shaun mc
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On 19/03/2021 at 18:43, Mumby Magic said:

Well The ball will be rolling. Another tongue lashing because I want to take the boys away has prompted me finally to start. Going to book free advice first. A day off work to do it but it'll be worth it. The ex is on about sharing solicitor as she thinks I agreed to a couple of things and that's it. Thoughts on using same solicitor pls.

You would just be dragging it out. You have interests separate from hers whether you want it that way or not. You want to be the decent guy, then you need a good solicitor to arrange things fairly. Without that power, it will be arranged as she sees fit. 

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"You clearly have never met Bob8 then, he's like a veritable Bryan Ferry of RL." - Johnoco 19 Jul 2014

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you are entitled to a free 1st consultation at most solicitors with no obligation, a lot of trainees or paralegals will do this after normal working hours to further their standing at the firm and get brownie points when they get a new case on board. just take the free advice hour  and then you can leave it at that

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did the bloke who invented the phrase "one hit wonder" invent anything else?

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56 minutes ago, graveyard johnny said:

you are entitled to a free 1st consultation at most solicitors with no obligation, a lot of trainees or paralegals will do this after normal working hours to further their standing at the firm and get brownie points when they get a new case on board. just take the free advice hour  and then you can leave it at that

Yes. 
@Mumby Magic, what would you think of a woman on this board who was thinking of going into a divorce without a solicitor hoping her ex would be unusually nice? Or agreeing to share her ex-husband’s solicitor? 

"You clearly have never met Bob8 then, he's like a veritable Bryan Ferry of RL." - Johnoco 19 Jul 2014

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16 minutes ago, Bob8 said:

Yes. 
@Mumby Magic, what would you think of a woman on this board who was thinking of going into a divorce without a solicitor hoping her ex would be unusually nice? Or agreeing to share her ex-husband’s solicitor? 

True. She asked me some t and C's. Most were about the boys as in not arguing in front of them. I agreed to them as it's common sense but the others were about property of which I did not commit. She thinks that is all there is to it. Either she's naive or playing a game 

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3 hours ago, Mumby Magic said:

True. She asked me some t and C's. Most were about the boys as in not arguing in front of them. I agreed to them as it's common sense but the others were about property of which I did not commit. She thinks that is all there is to it. Either she's naive or playing a game 

Often one party will see it as straight forward them gettin everything they want is self-evidentally reasonable. It is why there is more need for a solicitor.

It is tough and I certainly hope never to go through it again. Being married again, I can seen know how unreasonable my first try was by contrast.

"You clearly have never met Bob8 then, he's like a veritable Bryan Ferry of RL." - Johnoco 19 Jul 2014

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