Another Joke Thread

[Futtocks]

 

[Stirlin]

edit

Edited January 18, 2023 by Stirlin

[Futtocks]

 

[Adelaide Tiger]

I accidentally walked into the Butchers and asked if they sold condoms.  The Butcher said ‘Try Boots’.  I replied ‘I don’t want to kick her to death!’.

[blackknight]

I arrived early at the restaurant and the manager said "Do you mind waiting a bit".

I said "No". 

"Good" he said. "Take these drinks to table 9".

[The Hallucinating Goose]

3 hours ago, blackknight said:

I arrived early at the restaurant and the manager said "Do you mind waiting a bit".

I said "No". 

"Good" he said. "Take these drinks to table 9".

Funnily enough I came on this thread to post a restaurant based joke. 

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A mucky, bedraggled and generally rundown man is sat in a restaurant and sees a beautiful woman sat on her own. She's the most beautiful woman he's ever seen so he calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of champagne to be delivered to the woman. 

The waiter takes the bottle over and when the woman looks over at the man he offers her the most charming smile she's ever seen. She takes a pen out of her bag and writes on a napkin, 'thank you for the champagne but in order for me to accept it you have to have a Mercedes in your garage, the keys to a mansion in your pocket, millions in your bank account and 7 inches in your trousers'. 

The waiter takes the message to the man. He reads it and writes a reply which the waiter promptly delivers to the woman. She opens the napkin and reads what the man has written, "remember that most people are not initially what they appear to be. I may look in a rough state but I actually have a ferrari, a lamborghini, a porsche and an Aston in multiple garages across multiple mansions in Paris, London, the Mediterranean and the Caribbean, and I have billions in the bank not just millions but nothing would make me cut 3 inches off for anyone no matter how beautiful they are. Just send back the champagne!"

[Futtocks]

 

[The Hallucinating Goose]

I've just been banned from B&Q. Some bloke asked me if I wanted decking, luckily I got the first punch in. 

[Number 16]

Is bl0wjob one word? Or is blow job correct?

God, I hate writing Valentine's cards.

Edited February 14, 2023 by Number 16

[Old Frightful]

For years I've had this mark on my backside that I always thought was a birthmark, turns out its a cigar burn.

How's about that then?

[Old Frightful]

My wife suggested we spice up our love life a bit by playing doctors and nurses.

So I put her on a trolley in the hall and ignored her for a couple of days.

 

[Futtocks]

 

[Old Frightful]

[Old Frightful]

An altar boy goes to confession :

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads...

[Number 16]

I said to my mate earlier, "I hit the jackpot before - two cherries and a plum".

"Fruit machine?" He asked.

"No", I said, "I was buying tomatoes".

[Old Frightful]

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.

One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my

condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

[The Hallucinating Goose]

I went to a pub quiz in Glasgow, the first question was, "what the f*** are you looking at?!" 

[Old Frightful]

[DavidM]

[Old Frightful]

[Old Frightful]

[Old Frightful]

[Futtocks]

One for those still flying the Punk flag.

 

[Futtocks]

We all know a Bri, don't we?

 

[JohnM]