Another Joke Thread

[Stirlin]

6 hours ago, Mumby Magic said:

Don't get it

Can't remember posting that MM , probably after I had been to the pub.

Never post with a full bladder.

Edited September 1, 2022 by Stirlin

[DavidM]

So i’m lying in bed , all the lights off to save energy , and i hear a noise downstairs …i get up and shout down “ who’s there “ . A voice says “ im a burglar , I’ve broke in and I’m looking for money “ . 
“ OK “ I say , “ give me a minute and I’ll come and help you to look “

[Stirlin]

Last month, the UN conducted a worldwide survey. The only question asked was, “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a huge failure. Why? Well...
a) In Africa, they didn't know what ‘food’ meant.
b) In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what ‘honest’ meant.
c) In Western Europe, they didn't know what ‘shortage’ meant.
d) In China, they didn't know what ‘opinion’ meant.
e) In the Middle East, they didn't know what ‘solution’ meant.
f) In South America, they didn't know what ‘please’ meant.
g) And in the USA, they didn't know what ‘the rest of the world’ meant.

[graveyard johnny]

the royal family has just got rid of princess dianas old 1980s escort for 640k-  so how come Andrews wouldn't go for less than 12 million?

[The Future is League]

[Stirlin]

[Old Frightful]

[Futtocks]

 

[The Future is League]

[Futtocks]

 

[Adelaide Tiger]

A woman is walking hand in hand with her three year old daughter.  Her daughter looks up to her mother and says ‘Mummy, mummy, why are your hands so soft’.  The woman replied ‘It’s because I am only thirteen’.

[Old Frightful]

[DavidM]

The days are getting shorter …

Edited September 14, 2022 by DavidM

[Stirlin]

[Futtocks]

 

[Futtocks]

 

[Wolford6]

Not exactly a joke, but from this week's Private Eye:

Elizabeth Truss is an anagram of Sizeable Thrust

It might be worth someone posting this on the Politics Thread. I'm banned for supporting Brexit and telling unwelcome truths.

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by Wolford6

[The Future is League]

[Futtocks]

 

[JohnM]

Went to Boots for deodorant. The assistant asked "Ball or aerosol?"

"Neither", I replied. "it's for my armpits."

[Futtocks]

7 hours ago, JohnM said:

Went to Boots for deodorant. The assistant asked "Ball or aerosol?"

"Neither", I replied. "it's for my armpits."

It works better with a Swedish accent.

 

[Les Tonks Sidestep]

"Help! I can't get my jogging trousers off!" "We'll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy"

[Les Tonks Sidestep]

Couldn't undo the buttons on my jumper so tried pulling it over my head but got it stuck.

Now sitting in A&E waiting to see a cardyologist.

[graveyard johnny]

my wife rose is leaving me because of my obsession with pens- bye rose 

[JohnM]

I never know whether to believe my mate or not. He's just told me that the Patron Saint of copying people into an email is...

.

.

.

.

St Francis of a cc