Another Joke Thread

[JohnM]

Omg omg omg!!! I'M SO EXCITED! My son wanted to give me a special Christmas present. So with 1 dart and a world map he said to throw it and where it lands we will go there after the Christmas holidays.” Sooooo, yeah it looks like we’ll be spending 2 weeks behind my fridge!

[Futtocks]

5 hours ago, graveyard johnny said:

this Christmas day as the family sit down to enjoy dinner together we known grandma will be looking down on us from above ...........................................................still waiting for the stairlift repair man 

Gary Delaney's take: we couldn't decide whether to have granny buried or cremated... so in the end, we let her live.

[gazza77]

 

 

[Stirlin]

[RoyBoy295]

On 19/12/2023 at 17:04, JohnM said:

Omg omg omg!!! I'M SO EXCITED! My son wanted to give me a special Christmas present. So with 1 dart and a world map he said to throw it and where it lands we will go there after the Christmas holidays.” Sooooo, yeah it looks like we’ll be spending 2 weeks behind my fridge!

Better than the skirting board

[JohnM]

38 minutes ago, RoyBoy295 said:

Better than the skirting board

That was last year. Never again.

[Stirlin]

[The Hallucinating Goose]

I love history and a friend of mine who is an archaeologist invited me to attend a dig going on in the local area. During the dig I found the leg bone of a Roman soldier. The whole experience was a real shindig!

[Stirlin]

Home sweet home

 

[JohnM]

VAR has just confirmed it is 2024.........It's ok to celebrate NewYear now. 

I asked my pharmacist if he sold Benylin. He said, "For cough?"   I said, "Hey, that’s not nice, I only asked."

If your time is dragging on this day and you’re feeling bored just google :
South Yorkshire Police Operations Complex address

Edited January 2, 2024 by JohnM

[Futtocks]

 

[Stirlin]

[The Hallucinating Goose]

The number 8 went to see a therapist. When asked to lie down on the sofa the number 8 replied, "i can't or I'll be here forever". 

[StandOffHalf]

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 999. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

 

Edited January 6, 2024 by StandOffHalf

[Wiltshire Warrior Dragon]

On 06/01/2024 at 06:07, The Hallucinating Goose said:

The number 8 went to see a therapist. When asked to lie down on the sofa the number 8 replied, "i can't or I'll be here forever". 

When Milton Jones tries to count to ten in French, he can never get beyond number 8; he has a huit allergy!

[JohnM]

[Les Tonks Sidestep]

[Stirlin]

[Stirlin]

The vacuum cleaner is running at twice its normal speed babe , dunno why...

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Funny you should say that hun , my hair dryer was running much faster with more heat too , dried my hair in half the time

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[Old Frightful]

[Futtocks]

 

[Stirlin]

[Stirlin]

Haggis hunting

 

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[Futtocks]

1 hour ago, Stirlin said:

[HawkMan]

In court the Judge is addressing the defendant found guilty of murder.

Judge, "you have been found guilty of murdering your wife with a hammer."

A man shouts out, " bas***d"

Judge, " you have also been found guilty of murdering your daughter with a hammer."

The man shouts again,  " bloody evil sh*t."

Judge to Man " I know this is a difficult case but please control yourself,  what's your problem?"

Man " I've been his neighbour for 20 years and whenever I asked to borrow his hammer he said he never had one !"

Edited January 21, 2024 by HawkMan