Another Joke Thread

[Futtocks]

 

[graveyard johnny]

bought a car today made entirely out of washing machine parts - gonna take it out for a spin later on 

[Old Frightful]

It is a lesser known fact that Stevie Nicks once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner.

It’s not that she didn’t fancy him, more that she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life known as Stevie Shatner Nicks.

[Futtocks]

 

[Bearman]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.  It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path.?

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?  This level of sensitivity just can't be taught !!!!

[graveyard johnny]

my wife sends me a text every morning  saying "wish you were here" as she walks to work through the local cemetery 

[tonyXIII]

20 hours ago, graveyard johnny said:

my wife sends me a text every morning  saying "wish you were here" as she walks to work through the local cemetery 

With your monicker, I thought you already were "here".

Edited June 14, 2024 by tonyXIII

[Padge]

Never trust an atom

They make everything up.

Edited June 14, 2024 by Padge

[graveyard johnny]

this weekends devon and cornwall music festival has been cancelled due to disagreements about whether to put the jam or cream on first 

[RayCee]

A tough one this.

https://raycee12.blogspot.com/2012/06/sports-ethics-question.html

 

[Futtocks]

Apparently, Black Country women have broader accents than the men.

It seems the female of the species is more Dudley than the male

(Credit to Steve Smith on Threads.)

[JohnM]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

 

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

 

And that's when the fight started...

 

________________________________

 

I took my wife to a restaurant.

 

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

 

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

 

And that's when the fight started.....

 

_____________________________

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

 

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

 

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

And then the fight started...

 

_____________________________

 

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

 

And then the fight started...

 

________________________________

 

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;

now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

 

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

 

And that's how the fight started...

 

_______________________________

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

 

I bought her a bathroom scale.

 

And then the fight started......

 

______________________________

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my Driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

 

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

 

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

 

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

 

And then the fight started...

 

________________________________

 

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

 

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

 

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

 

And then the fight started........

 

________________________________

 

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

 

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

 

That's how the fight started.

 

________________________________

 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

 

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

 

And that's how the fight started.

________________________________

[Gerrumonside ref]

One liners from the Edinburgh Fringe so far:

‘I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed.’

‘My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” which I think speaks volumes.’

‘It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies. But before you know it, you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.’

‘If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.’

‘I spent the whole morning building a time machine – that’s four hours of my life I’m definitely getting back.’

[Padge]

Old woman is just about to pull into a parking place, when a young bloke in a Merc shoots in and takes the spot. As he gets out of the car the old woman gets out of her car and confronts him, "why did you do that, you could see I was going to park there", sneering the young bloke says, "when you are young, agile and have fast reflexes you can do it, so I did" and walks off. As he heads off the car park he hears an almighty crash, he spins around to see the old woman has rammed the back of his brand new Merc totalling the back end. She gets out of the car and starts to walk off. The young bloke legs across the car park and confronts her, "Why the fek did you do that, you've wrecked my car", the old woman smiles at him and says, "when you are old and filthy rich, you can afford to do it, so I did".

[Futtocks]

21 hours ago, Padge said:

Old woman is just about to pull into a parking place, when a young bloke in a Merc shoots in and takes the spot. As he gets out of the car the old woman gets out of her car and confronts him, "why did you do that, you could see I was going to park there", sneering the young bloke says, "when you are young, agile and have fast reflexes you can do it, so I did" and walks off. As he heads off the car park he hears an almighty crash, he spins around to see the old woman has rammed the back of his brand new Merc totalling the back end. She gets out of the car and starts to walk off. The young bloke legs across the car park and confronts her, "Why the fek did you do that, you've wrecked my car", the old woman smiles at him and says, "when you are old and filthy rich, you can afford to do it, so I did".

 

[Futtocks]

From Threads.

survivingbabyboomersteve
10 h10 hours ago
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room.
Another man enters and asks, “Can you see me?” and they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

[Futtocks]

 

[Futtocks]

From Paul Eggleston on Threads
I've been teaching Tony Christie how to make cricket bats. He's a natural except for the bit where you have to gently tap the handle into the wooden blade with a mallet. I had to show him the way to hammer willow.

[Stirlin]

Forum needs a Groan button 

[graveyard johnny]

just watched the footage of jon bon jovi talking that woman off the bridge and pulling her to safety -just when  "she was halfway there"

[Futtocks]

1 hour ago, graveyard johnny said:

just watched the footage of jon bon jovi talking that woman off the bridge and pulling her to safety -just when  "she was halfway there"

Thank God it was him and not David Lee Roth.

[ivans82]

Not so much as a joke more me showing my age .

Me           "What are all these muscle bound , bow legged gym lads doing wearing Girl band tee shirts for ?

Wife         "what are you on about ?"

Me           "That lot wearing All Saints Tops "

Wife        "All Saints is an online clothing business you clown "

Me           after a long pause       "Please tell me Nirvana isn`t one as well "

[Stirlin]

After a few pints down at the local, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch. I showed mine first.
"That's a Breitling, worth three and a half grand," I grinned.
My mate John smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist.
"This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it."
Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch.
"What do you think of that then? It cost me £200,000."
Me and John stared a while then I said, "Dave, Thats a Casio."
"I know," he sighed.
"My ex-wife bought it for me, then found it in her sister's bedroom."

[RayCee]

There was a suspected burglary at a Porsche dealer. Fortunately, no cars were Taycan.

[ivans82]

Belated Valentines joke i heard on the radio .

Bloke says to his mate , every Valentines day i book a table for me and my Wife . And every year it ends in tears .Other bloke says "why" .Well this year She said" Dave i keep telling you i don`t like playing snooker " .