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every xmas in our family we usually buy each other a new pair of braces to hold up our trousers -but with the cost of living crisis this year we are going to have to tighten our belts 

see you later undertaker - in a while necrophile 

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Three action film stars got together and decided to make a film about classical composers. The first thing they had to decide was who they would play in the film, 

Tom Cruise said, "I'll be Beethoven!" 

Jean Claude van Damme said, "I'll be Mozart!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach!" 

Edited by The Hallucinating Goose
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23 minutes ago, The Hallucinating Goose said:

Three action film stars got together and decided to make a film about classical composers. The first thing they had to decide was who they would play in the film, 

Tom Cruise said, "I'll be Beethoven!" 

Jean Claude van Damme said, "I'll be Mozart!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach!" 

And Airwolf star Jan-Michael Vincent said "I'll be Brahms and Liszt!"

"We are easily breakable, by illness or falling, or a million other ways of leaving this earthly life. We are just so much mashed potato."  Don Estelle

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my daughter will be spending most of the christmas holidays serving food and drink to the homeless , drug users , tramps and mentally ill - in the new year though she's looking to move on from her job at wetherspoons 

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see you later undertaker - in a while necrophile 

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Two little old ladies are outside their nursing home having a drink and a smoke when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Maude: What in hell is that! Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (after all - she's 80 yrs old) and asks her what brand of condoms she prefers, to which Maude replies - "Doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel. The pharmacist fainted.

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With Halloween coming up I decided to go to my local fancy dress shop to see if I could get a Dracula costume. After a few minutes the assistant handed me a Hull KR shirt asking "Is this suitable?", I replied "I think you may have misheard me, I said I wanted to look like a count."
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Three men are killed in a car crash. They arrive at the gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter who says to them, "to get into heaven you have to have something related to the church on your person". 

The first man steps forward and points to his trousers, "they were too long for me when I bought them so I had to altar them". St. Peter admits the man to heaven. 

The second man steps forward, takes his keys out of his pocket and jingles them, "they're bells", he says. St. Peter agrees they sound like bells and admits him. 

The third man steps forward, puts his hand into his jacket and pulls out a bra and thong. St. Peter doesn't understand and asks, "how are they anything to do with the church", to which the man replies, "they're Carol's". 

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This shouldn't be a joke but it comes pretty close. This from a Victoria Police press release:

"Police said one men had a larger build while the other one had a smaller build."

I think I know those guys.

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An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up....
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares...
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With Halloween coming up I decided to go to my local fancy dress shop to see if I could get a Dracula costume. After a few minutes the assistant handed me a Hull KR shirt asking "Is this suitable?", I replied "I think you may have misheard me, I said I wanted to look like a count."
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A young lad came off his moped outside my house last night. A bit of a crowd had gathered around him laid on the floor groaning and looking very much in pain, so I approached and said ''Stand back please, stand back make room, stand back'', someone said ''Oh good are you a doctor?.

I said ''No that's my fkn pizza''.

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this Christmas day as the family sit down to enjoy dinner together we known grandma will be looking down on us from above ...........................................................still waiting for the stairlift repair man 

see you later undertaker - in a while necrophile 

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