Another Joke Thread

[RugoBy]

When you complete a puzzle in 5 mins, but it says up to 5 years on the box

[Les Tonks Sidestep]

A Russian soldier ran up to a nun walking down a sidewalk in Petrograd. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later.” The nun agreed. A moment later two politsya ran up and asked: “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way.” After the politsya ran off the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can't thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine.” The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls, too. I don't want to go to Ukraine either."

[Futtocks]

 

[Futtocks]

 

[Old Frightful]

Sadly, the man who invented predictive text died today.

His funfair is a weed next monkey.

[Les Tonks Sidestep]

[Old Frightful]

[Old Frightful]

[lucky 7]

[Les Tonks Sidestep]

I hear they're producing a computer-generated theme tune for the sequel to Skyfall....... 

.......They're using a Dell

[Wolford6]

From Popbitch:

Old Jokes Home

Doctors say that four out of five people suffer from diarrhoea.

The other sick perv enjoys it.

[Farmduck]

Another triumph for auto-generated closed captions:

There's a lot of mud here because it's been raining in Norwegian.

(it's been raining in our region.)

[Old Frightful]

[Number 16]

I'm proud to announce that I have just finished my seventh Marathon in only seven days...

 

Or Snickers as they're now named. 

 

[tonyXIII]

3 hours ago, Number 16 said:

I'm proud to announce that I have just finished my seventh Marathon in only seven days...

 

Or Snickers as they're now named. 

 

Are you going for 8? Or even 16?

[Futtocks]

 

[Shadow]

I tried my son with the Knock knock 

who’s there 

haiku

joke

He answered 

a joke found online
he thought his son wouldn’t know
try harder next time
 

[Shadow]

Quite proud really

[graveyard johnny]

wife asked if i knew any good tennis jokes - i said no its not my forte love

[Shadow]

I tried making a joke on Zoom the other day

fell flat 

turns out I’m not remotely funny

[JohnM]

14 hours ago, Shadow said:

I tried making a joke on Zoom the other day

fell flat 

turns out I’m not remotely funny

Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  

Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

 

(copied)

[graveyard johnny]

the inventor of the double entendre passed away last week - his wife has been taking it really hard 

[Number 16]

5 hours ago, graveyard johnny said:

the inventor of the double entendre passed away last week - his wife has been taking it really hard 

A man walked into a pub and asked for a beer and a double entendre,  so the barmaid gave him one.

(The old ones are still the best!)

 

[Futtocks]

 

[RugoBy]

I always knock on my fridge door and wait for a second... in case there's a salad dressing.