End of the line

[Phil]

It look like we’re reaching end game now with my mother in law, her mental and physical deterioration looks like it’s gone beyond the point of any return. Obviously I feel very sad about this but I also feel very angry and bitter at a number of things.

She suffers from a (still) undiagnosed mental illness, it’s not alzheimers or dementia according to the psychiatrist but what it actually is she can’t say.

The worst symptom of her condition has been geriatric anorexia, she played, and continues to play extravagant games to avoid eating, her latest phase has been exacerbated since her last review when the nurse told her she’d put a couple of pounds on. Since then she’s effectively not eaten anything.

She blew up the microwave by putting a heat pad in it and cranking it up to 15 minutes and walking off. She’s burnt out countless kettles, she blocked the toilet by trying to flush food down it. She made the dog ill by feeding it in secret.

We sold our house 3 years ago so we could rent somewhere where she could be with us and she could be looked after, in retrospect this was a mistake. The money has gone as we helped our son and daughter out so we’re stuck in a big house we now can barely afford.

Her relationship with my wife has pretty much totally disentergrated, on the logical level we know she’s mentally ill and these are just symptoms but on a day to day level to be lied to constantly is wearing.

She’s only 78 but looks 90, we’ve had very little help from any social services.

She’s in hospital now and it looks like it could be it.

Obviously this is a rant but I just felt like ranting.

[Wolford6]

Sorry about that. My own mother is in her dotage. Most of the time she's bright and attentive but has periods where  she constantly repeats the same question no matter how many times you answer it. This includes such items as have you ever met XXXX? Then calls me by his name. He has been my brother-in-law for thirty years!

[Futtocks]

This is the toughest time in most people's lives, and if you need to vent, this forum's as good a place as any, Phil. Stay strong.

[JohnM]

Unfortunately, there just no answer and I doubt there ever will be. You did, and continued to do,  the right thing, which is more than many would do.

 

[tonyXIII]

I feel for you in what is a very difficult situation. Good luck, mate.

Don't forget that if you start to neglect your own (and your wife's) health due to concentrating on your mother-in-law, things will get seriously bad. Look after yourself, take care of your wife and continue to do what you can for your mother-in-law. Stay strong.

 

[Robin Evans]

Wearing the shirt this end mate. It's hard. Hardest thing we've had to contend with

[Bearman]

I've been through it and TonyXIII's advice above is spot on.

[Red Willow]

I feel your pain. My Mum is bearing the brunt of my Dad's illness and I feel helpless to help. She won't take the hep on offer as she sees it as interference

[Niels]

Best wishes Phil. I hope things work out the best they can. 

It is great to have the forum to share things and nice to know people are so supportive.

[graveyard johnny]

my mate buries his granddad on fri who passed away in his late 80s, his gran is still alive and been with grandad since their teens, but gran wont be going to the funeral as due to the cruel nature of dementia has had no idea who her husband is or doesn't recognise her immediate family at all any more, theres nowt down for getting old for me

[Padge]

Phil rant away, if you do not vent to someone then you will be exploding. As has been said previously on here is as good a place as any. We may argue a lot over all sorts of subjects but the vast majority on here are caring and sharing types of people who will be more than willing to offer good advice and listen sympathetically.

[clwydianrange]

Padge has it right. All the bickering that goes on on here is nothing to what you're going through. You may not agree with this but the wife is saying prayers in mass for you and your family.

[longboard]

Sorry to hear this Phil.

Life can be very tough.

[Phil]

Thanks everyone, I know I've disagreed with some of you, sometimes quite vigorously but this is an RL forum and that basically means you're a damn good lot.

[getdownmonkeyman]

It may be of little consolation right now. But when you look back, I think you will take some comfort from the fact you did the right thing by your mother-in-law.

[Griff9of13]

Not much I can add but back up what others have said. Feel free to rant away; we may not be able to physically share your burden, but we will always listen. 

[groundhopper]

It is a huge concern, how many people can resonate with this, probably one factor is that the typical poster on here may be, like me in his 50's.

I admire the efforts everyone made but my version is slightly different

My mum died first and everyone realised my dad had problems, Parkinsons first but then the whole range alzheimers and dementia. He lived in a small village in Nottinghamshire with no shop and after he was found walking home four miles from the doctors in the dark in winter, we realised action was needed

We found a house in the same street as us, although my then wife was reluctant but after completing on the sale, he pulled out and then announced he was moving to Lincolnshire, where he knew a married couple he had worked with before. They were nice people but inevitably did not want his round all the time. Social services found him carers at his expense and things settled down

However my two brothers were in London and the trip for me was over three hours round trip at best. I work long hours had four kids living with me then and the boys have varying degrees of autism, plus a less that supportive wife, after he had rejected living nearby. We thought he did not move near us as he was concerned he would end up being a baby sitter but now I think he was trying to save us the burden. if so I never saw the obvious

The NHS is useless for this type of thing, the best staff move towards speciality and whilst I have needed the NHS for many things, lets say service is variable and I am not looking to send the thread off at a tangent

We let things drift, each of us tried to visit once a month which was a lot of effort, but could be considered little in the circumstances

By the end I was using a day to visit someone in and out of hospital, who did not recognise us.

I therefore have huge sympathy for someone going through this and understand why a nursing home can be the only answer. Everyone fears one and I know I do, although hopefully a new wife twenty years younger may help. Noone knows what the future will bring but to everyone looking after family, take whatever support there is because there is little but yes the advice above is essential and remember you also have family apart from parents and do not lose them

I think if I read this I will find it rambles badly but will post as it sums up my thoughts

to the original poster good luck     

 

 

     

 

 

   

[Phil]

Just left the hospital, possibly for the last time and with a whole range of different emotions. Grief, anger, puzzlement.

I owe that woman so much, she fought for me to enter this family whe her husband and sons were beating me up and telling me to stay away, I'll forever be in her debt for that, puzzlement that a personality can change so much and so rapidly so that in the last three years it's almost as if some malevolent spirit had possessed her and anger at how the agencies involved have misunderstood the situation and not believed us.

i had to leave the hospital I just couldn't stay and see her like that 

I'll also say that despite the obvious stress they were all working under the hospital staff are magnificent.

[tonyXIII]

5 minutes ago, Phil said:

Just left the hospital, possibly for the last time and with a whole range of different emotions. Grief, anger, puzzlement.

I owe that woman so much, she fought for me to enter this family whe her husband and sons were beating me up and telling me to stay away, I'll forever be in her debt for that, puzzlement that a personality can change so much and so rapidly so that in the last three years it's almost as if some malevolent spirit had possessed her and anger at how the agencies involved have misunderstood the situation and not believed us.

i had to leave the hospital I just couldn't stay and see her like that 

The right decision! You need to give yourself some space and time or you'll crack up. Talk to your wife, make sure your mother-in-law is being looked after and then either treat yourselves to an evening together (ie. go on a "date night") or go for a few (many) beers with some of your mates.

For your own sanity's sake, don't bottle it all up.

Good luck.

 

[Phil]

4 minutes ago, tonyXIII said:

The right decision! You need to give yourself some space and time or you'll crack up. Talk to your wife, make sure your mother-in-law is being looked after and then either treat yourselves to an evening together (ie. go on a "date night") or go for a few (many) beers with some of your mates.

For your own sanity's sake, don't bottle it all up.

Good luck.

 

Cheers mate, luckily enough I'm not a stiff upper lip type but yeah I take what you've said on board 

once again thanks to everyone for  the support, messages etc 

[Bob8]

1 hour ago, Phil said:

Just left the hospital, possibly for the last time and with a whole range of different emotions. Grief, anger, puzzlement.

I owe that woman so much, she fought for me to enter this family whe her husband and sons were beating me up and telling me to stay away, I'll forever be in her debt for that, puzzlement that a personality can change so much and so rapidly so that in the last three years it's almost as if some malevolent spirit had possessed her and anger at how the agencies involved have misunderstood the situation and not believed us.

i had to leave the hospital I just couldn't stay and see her like that 

I'll also say that despite the obvious stress they were all working under the hospital staff are magnificent.

I am not sure if it is any consolation, but it was a consolation to me when I saw an apparent personality change to realize there is not really such a thing as a personality.  Only an outlook made of our culture, biology and experience.  When our outlook gets messed up, of course we will act in a messed up way.  And so people can change dramatically.

[Phil]

23 hours ago, tonyXIII said:

The right decision! You need to give yourself some space and time or you'll crack up. Talk to your wife, make sure your mother-in-law is being looked after and then either treat yourselves to an evening together (ie. go on a "date night") or go for a few (many) beers with some of your mates.

For your own sanity's sake, don't bottle it all up.

Good luck.

 

Good advice we went out last night with a gang of friends, one topic was not for conversation, we  all got absolutely hammered, it was good to take some time out from the stress.

[gingerjon]

5 minutes ago, Phil said:

we  all got absolutely hammered, it was good to take some time out from the stress.

I think we can all agree, you've earned that.

[Phil]

Back at the hospital she'd perked up yesterday but is sinking again today, brother in law desperately trying to get a flight back from Tenerife 

i hope she can hold on for him, rest of brothers sisters etc here 

 

shes not responding so we're sat nattering about the old days in the hope she's hearing us 

[tonyXIII]

I know the circumstances are tragic, but you are there with your family, reminiscing about the good times.

Hold on to the positives. Let the negatives go.